The other members didn’t approve. I was well aware of that. However, I didn’t think it was any of their business. If I wanted to have two boyfriends I could have two boyfriends. As long as both of them were aware and were okay with the arrangement I didn’t understand why anyone else needed to have an opinion about it.  I kept both of my lovers happy. That was all that mattered. At least to me. The others didn’t seem to agree.

My favourite part of the day was bedtime. For good reason too. The maknae and I had been told to share a bedroom, which was good in itself, but we had decided to push the beds together so we could sleep together. Simply having one of my lovers in bed with me at night would have been satisfactory but we managed to fit Jongdae in as well. That meant when we went to sleep Zitao would sleep curled up on one side of my body and Jongdae would curl up on the other side. I would lie there with both of them and we would talk until somebody dozed off – usually Zitao was the first one down.

The only thing that could have been better would have been if they had loved each other as well. I dated Jongdae, and I dated Zitao, but they didn’t date each other. Sometimes it meant that I had to talk to both of them to make plans with one. I didn’t mind it, and I wasn’t going to force them to be together, but it would have been nice. They didn’t feel that way about each other though. The best way to describe their relationship would be indifferent. They were polite because of me but if I wasn’t in a room they had nothing to do with each other. There didn’t seem to be any jealousy though. Jealousy would have been bad.

“Let’s go get dinner tomorrow.” I mumbled just as Jongdae and Zitao had finally stopped moving around. The both of them shifted in the bed for close to half an hour after they climbed into the bed. I found it slightly humorous every time I realised they had a similar trait.

Jongdae shifted again, running his nose up my side as he did. “Who are you asking Hyung?” His voice told me that I was about five minutes from losing him until morning. It was easy to tell when he was practically down for the count. Zitao, was different. He could be completely lucid and then fall asleep in the middle of the word – this was something that happened regularly. 

Zitao’s hand slid across my waist and into Jongdae’s section of the bed. He did this at least three times a night and each time Jongdae would make a small sound of displeasure and move the hand away from him. It was cute how they bickered over small things like hand placement in the bed. “I’m asking both of you.”

The youngest snorted slightly but nodded his head. Even though most people wouldn’t believe it he was generally the more pliant of my two partners. Jongdae was usually the one to whine if he didn’t like something. “You want us to go on a date with each other?” He slapped at the maknae’s hand when it, once again, made it’s way into Jongdae’s side of the bed. I bit my lip in order to prevent any noise escaping and giving away how cute I found it. “Next you’re going to want to have both of us in bed at the same time.”

Zitao shifted again, throwing half of his body over me in a way I knew would annoy Jongdae. “I would not be opposed to this.” His lips pressed against my throat and it was obvious he only did it to hide a smirk from Jongdae. He was baiting the older male. He loved teasing Jongdae. It was like a game to him. “If Minseok asked, of course.” He added after Jongdae released a horrified whimper like sound. “I would even think about letting you top Jongdae.”

“Shut up Zitao. We’re not having . Right, Hyung?” Jongdae looked up at me with wide eyes. Just to further I waited a couple of seconds before shaking my head. He let out a sigh of relief once I had responded and curled back up into my side. “I’m not having with you Zitao.”

“Your loss. I’m sure Minseok will tell you that I’m fantastic in bed.” His fingers danced right over the waistband of my sleeping pants. I stared at his hand as he let a single finger dip below my pants but then pull back immediately. I whined softly and felt his teeth nip at my throat. “Isn’t that right Minseok?”

I nodded my head and his finger dipped back into my pants. “Amazing…”

Jongdae scoffed and slid his arm up my shirt. “I don’t care. I’m still not having with you.”  He pulled me slightly close to him and rested his head on my shoulder. “But sure, if you want to go out we can go out. I don’t imagine Zitao has a problem with it.” He kissed my jaw and when I looked over to see if he was correct about my other boyfriend I saw that the younger was out. It impressed me every night how quickly he could fall asleep. “I don’t want to date Zitao too, Hyung. I just want you.”

“I know.” I had been disappointed in the beginning that my two lovers didn’t love each other but I had accepted it. I couldn’t force them to want to be together. I wouldn’t do that to them. “We’ll go out next week, just the two of us. It’ll be two years on Wednesday.”

“A year with Zitao is coming up in two weeks too.” He mumbled, keeping his eyes closed.

I nodded my head even though he couldn’t see it. I had something planned for both of them.

The date was a disaster. I should have known that it would be, but I had hoped it would work out. Jongdae didn’t talk at all – making me wonder if he really disliked my second boyfriend that much – and Zitao the entire time. I regretted it before we had even made it to the restaurant. In the end we gave up and went home before we could order drinks.

“Hey, Hyung?” Jongdae slipped into the bathroom. I hummed slightly and after a couple of seconds he joined me in the shower. I felt his arms slide around my waist. “Can we talk?”

“You want to talk in the shower?” He wasn’t a big fan of showering together and never had been. It was weird enough that he had just come in to join me – that was more like something Zitao would do than something Jongdae would – but it was causing me a little bit of worry that he wanted to talk as well.

He tightened his grip on my body, moving forward slightly so the water could hit him as well. “It’s important and I don’t want to talk with Zitao or the other members around.” I nodded my head slightly. It had to be serious if he didn’t want the other members to know about it. “I love you Minseok. A lot.”

“I love you too Jongdae.” I was getting more worried as he spoke. It wasn’t that it was strange for him to tell me that he loved me, he did that every day, but it was weird for him to hide it. I knew something else had to be coming. “What’s wrong?”

He rotated me in his hold so he could press our lips together. “I can’t do it anymore Hyung.” He whispered, pulling away from me as he did. I stared at him blankly. Surely he wasn’t breaking up with me. Surely this wasn’t the end. We’d been together for too long for him to just leave. This was a joke. He was playing a sick joke on me. He had to be. I knew that date had been a bad idea, but it wasn’t that bad. “I hate sharing you.” His fingers slid through my wet hair as though he wasn’t saying anything wrong. “I hate that you want him too. I should be enough.”

“Jongdae… I thought…”

“Of course I’m not fine with it.” I wasn’t sure if the water on his face was from tears or from the shower. “I wasn’t enough to keep you happy so you went out and got a second lover. Of course I’m not okay with that. I let you keep him so you would keep me. But I can’t. I don’t want it anymore. I want someone that loves me. Only me. You can’t give me that. So just... be with Zitao.” He reached out to touch my face again but when I tried to return the favour he pulled away and exited the shower. He didn’t even bother to wrap himself in a towel before exiting the shower.

I stayed put until long after the water had gone cold. I knew Yifan would yell at me for using all the water but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Jongdae had just dumped me. I wasn’t sure how long I had been standing in a cold shower before I managed to collect myself enough to rinse the soap out of my hair and get out.

Yifan was already nagging me when I left the bathroom but I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. I walked into bedroom and found that Jongdae had already moved all of his belongings back to – I assumed – Yifan’s room. Zitao was sitting on the bed and staring at the space where we had kept Jongdae’s things. “They came in while you were in the shower. Hyungs said it was because of me.” He didn’t put his eyes on me as spoke. He was probably feeling guilty even though he had no reason to. This was my fault. “They said Jongdae didn’t feel loved because of me. Because I ruined everything.”

I dressed myself before I responded to him. I didn’t know what to say. He was partially right. Jongdae had left because of Zitao, but it was my fault alone. I had invited the younger male in. “It’s not your fault.” I whispered as I sat down on the bed next to him. “It’s mine, okay? He didn’t want a boyfriend he had to share anymore. It’s understandable.”

He nodded his head slightly, his arms sliding around my waist. “You could have broken up with me so you could keep him… I know you love him most…”

“It’s fine. I don’t want to talk about it.” I pulled his arms off of me and climbed under the blankets. It was going to be weird without Jongdae in the bed with us. I couldn’t even remember the last time I slept without him by my side. “He’s gone. That’s it. It’s done. He didn’t want me any more. We’re not talking about it. Just go to bed.” I pulled the blankets up over me, positioning myself so I wouldn’t have to look at my boyfriend. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, but most of all I didn’t want to talk to Zitao and I wasn’t entirely sure why. “We’re not talking about it in the morning either.”

“Okay.” I felt him moving around in the bed and then his arms slid around my waist. “I love you.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

After Jongdae left it was obvious that things between Zitao and I weren’t going well. The other members noticed it, Zitao noticed it, and worst of all Jongdae noticed it. He sent me smug glances every time he saw Zitao and I try to interact with each other. Most of the time we just ended up studying Chinese. When I told I had plans for our anniversary he said he wanted to stay home instead. So that’s what we did.

“I miss Jongdae.” Zitao mumbled one day a month after the Korean male had broken up with me. I knew that he refused to even speak to Zitao but he tried to be on friendly terms with me because we were the ‘Korean Line.’ “Things aren’t the same with him gone.”

I slammed my Chinese book closed. “He’s gone.” I had told him we weren’t going to talk about it. I missed the other male too, but I wasn’t bringing it up. I didn’t want to think about it. Jongdae didn’t want me. “He left, okay?”

“I’m going to ask him out.”

“Good luck with that.” I shoved my book into my bag. I didn’t want to say something I would regret so I stormed out of the dorm before I could. It wouldn’t have done either of us any good for me to tell my boyfriend that he didn’t stand a chance. Jongdae wasn’t his biggest fan.

Even though my gut kept telling me to return to the dorm I wandered around for nearly three hours. I couldn’t figure out why things had gotten so bad between my boyfriend I. We couldn’t even talk anymore. Intimacy was non-existent. The relationship was as good as over. I didn’t want to end it though. Losing both of them was the last thing I wanted.

I stayed out until Jongdae texted me and asked me to come back. My heart started beating faster when I read the words on my phone. My brain kept telling me not to get my hopes up but I couldn’t help it. He hadn’t texted me since the break up, and now he wanted to have contact with me. I ran back to the dorm and when I arrived I found Zitao and Jongdae sitting on opposite sides of the couch. They both patted the middle cushion. “You asked me to come?”

“Zitao says you’re unhappy…”

“I’m fine.” I sat down on the recliner instead of where they both wanted me to. I felt like I was being ambushed. “I’m fine.” I shot a glare at my boyfriend and he only shrugged.

“He says you’re being moody. That means you’re unhappy.”

“I am not moody. I am not moody Zitao.”

They both shrugged. “He offered to leave you so I would take you back.” Jongdae told me, keeping his voice low and checking to see if anyone else was in the room. “He wants you to be happy. So do I. We talked.”

“Good for you two.” I crossed my arms over my chest. Maybe I was a little moody. Only a little though. I was allowed to be. I was trapped in a room with my boyfriend and my ex, who had apparently been gossiping about me with each other. I didn’t like it. “I don’t care. Talk all you want.”

“I want back in Minseok.” I scoffed slightly at his words, placing my feet on the ground so I could leave. This was cruel. I hated him for it. I hated both of them for what they were doing. Before I could leave though Jongdae was pushing me back into the chair. “I want to be with you again. I want Zitao this time too though.”

“What happened to wanting someone that loved only you?” I turned to look away from him. He’d made me feel like garbage for wanting two boyfriends and then he was doing the same thing. “Mixed messages aren’t attractive Jongdae.” I was being a brat. I knew that. I also didn’t care. He hurt me. “You can just have Zitao. He obviously wants to get rid of me if he offered to trade places with you.” I tried to push him away but the youngest male was by his side in a second to prevent me from escape.

“I want both of you. So let me back in.” He leaned forward and pressed our lips together gently. “I love you Minseok.” He smiled slightly and I tried to glare. I knew it was ineffective. Both of them chuckled slightly and Zitao’s fingers slid through Jongdae’s hair. He pulled the older male’s hair and slammed their lips together.

I watched them make out for a few seconds – not even caring that I suddenly felt like a ert – and all anger faded away completely. This was something I wanted. Badly. I wanted this badly. “What do you say Minseokkie?” Zitao smirked when he pulled away from Jongdae. They both knew what I wanted though. It was obvious. “I think he liked it.” I nodded my head. That was true. That was very true. “So we’re going to have Jongdae now.”

I nodded my head again and before I could completely comprehend the situation both males grabbed me and dragged me out of the room. 

_______

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