Present Day

Kyung felt under Jiho's dark, steady stare. His very skin seemed to tighten around him in vulnerable desperation, and the soft breeze creeping through the open window did little to cool the blistering heat that was pooling on the back of his neck and quickly spreading. Seconds stretched into a good minute or two, before Jiho sighed and Kyung could all but feel the weariness in his voice, even as he tried to keep it even.

“Thanks for telling me, Kyung. And if we're being honest here, I guess I should say that a part of me already knew you were pissed that night, even before...everything happened.” Kyung started in surprise.

“What?”

“I avoided talking about— well seriously talking about—moving to Japan on purpose. I knew it bothered you that I didn't seem to miss you, or whatever.”

Despite the heaviness still pressing on Kyung's heart, the older couldn't help but snort as he raised an eyebrow and pursed an unimpressed mouth.

“Really, man? Bastard.” Jiho flashed a split-second grin.

“I know, right?” The of glee faded soon afterwards as his face softened back into weary contemplation. “But I just wanted you so damn badly—“ Kyung's face began to flush with a new wave of heat “—and I wanted you to want me too, and knowing that you would miss me that much, that it ing pissed you off so much that I wouldn't even talk about it....that made me feel wanted in a way. I know you wanted me to stay. It meant a lot to me, and I couldn't give it up.”

I will not cry. I will not ing cry. I do not deserve to cry. Kyung repeated this mantra to himself as he watch Jiho frown to himself, teeth gently pressing into his bottom lip as he shook his head at past memories. Kyung's eyes continued to burn as he gritted his teeth against the surprising threat of tears. Jiho had never been this honest with him before, and he couldn't help the crashing swell of emotions washing over him, emotions that he had kept locked up tight for so many years.

“But,” continued Jiho quietly, “after I did the rap I didn't realize—I didn't mean to make you that angry. I didn't even know you'd take it the way you did. I—” Kyung quickly shook his head, his throat clenching at the sight of Jiho scrambling to be apologetic.

“No, man...” Kyung began, hearing the distinct crack in his voice. He could tell Jiho heard it as well, from his sudden start and a concerned eyes. “Don't even worry about it. I feel like knowing what I said to you. Really.”

There was a slight, dry chuckle from the younger. “To be fair, I felt like after you said it.” Kyung groaned, hanging his head in deserved shame. “That was a pretty rough night Kyung, I'm not gonna lie,” Jiho's voice grew quiet again, and Kyung's breath hitched because this was also something new.

“I must have bawled that whole damn night,” recalled his best friend, frowning once again, this time with a slight shudder. “After that I promised myself I'd never cry over you like that again.”

“...did you keep the promise?” ventured Kyung meekly, as his body stung with the newest crash of guilt. Jiho's gaze narrowed sharply for a moment as he glanced at Kyung out of the corner of his eye.

“No. But you already knew that, huh?” he muttered, though his glare softened as he watched Kyung sink into further into himself as the older rapper's thoughts flickered back to Jaehyo's earlier confessions. Kyung groaned once again, ranking his fingers through his hair. Just when he thought he couldn't feel any worse, another blow landed itself right in his gut.

“Jiho, I am so sorry--” began Kyung, and it tumbled out breathlessly, no where near as steeled as he had wanted it to be. “I've wanted to say that for so damn long now, you've got to believe me! But every time just seemed like a bad one, and then it just got bigger and bigger until...” he trailed off, staring down at the worn carpet in defeat.

“Kyung, I get it—”
 

“No!” Kyung was surprised he could manage such a cry in spite of the twisting in his throat. “You shouldn't ing 'get it,'” he snapped, the venom in his voice directed at no one but himself. “You should ing hate me.”

Jiho snorted. “Trust me, I tried. Lasted about two seconds.” Kyung wanted to smile, but couldn't quite break through the grimace that found its way onto his face instead.

“Why do you think I made you promise to write to me in Japan? I was still in' pissed—let's be real—but not talking to you for those three days before? That was ing torture! I thought I was going insane, man. I couldn't lose you as a friend.”

“Jiho...” Kyung muttered, because all the other words were stuck fast in his throat. The younger man raised a sharp brown.

“Yah. What you said still messed up me. I'd be lying if I said I began forgiving you right away.”

“And you haven't completely forgiven me, have you?” whispered Kyung, as he thought back to the events of early that afternoon—mainly Jiho's quickly escalating anger—with an undeserving twinge of disappointment. He knew in actuality he had barely earned a even a drop of Jiho's forgiveness after such a long overdue apology.

Jiho grunted, a wry smile traveling his lips. “No. I guess I haven't.” After a pause, “Why do you do it, Kyung?” His eyes had suddenly darkened and narrowed in accusation, though his voice was soft and questioning.

“Do what?” asked Kyung slowly, brows furrowed in confusion. He wasn't sure what his friend was getting at, but Jiho's tone alone made his heart twist once again.

“Zikyung.” His air quotes were accompanied by a snort. For a moment Kyung was swept back into his anger from this afternoon, feeling the heat of rage shoot through him with one swift lurch.

No. I'm not pissed..he thought, as he watched Jiho stare at him expectantly. He had to bite his tongue from spitting out a reflexive retort. It was just so easy to fan the flames that was his anger—the heat was comforting almost. But now, more than ever, was not the time to fall back into his old ways. Underneath the anger pulsed the hurt that ripped through him every time Jiho pulled away once the cameras cut off or the last fans trickled out the room. It was almost too easy to gloss a smile over it, paint it really pretty, and throw a playful punch Jiho's way while teasing him for being cold-hearted—and then rinse and repeat for the next time.

But damn, did it hurt. And now, Kyung had nothing left to hide it with.

“I did it for you—at least I tried to. At first,” he said finally, wincing as Jiho's glance sharpened with the edge of 100 knives, feeling each blade pierce his skin.

“Excuse me, but what the ?”

“I knew how stupidly I acted back when we were younger, and even though I couldn't bring myself to straight up apologize—like I should have—when the management started telling us to push 'zikyung' for the fangirls, I thought it'd be a good idea—”

“What?” snapped Jiho, finger shooting out to point at Kyung. “You thought it was bull!” Much like PO, Kyung's affections—while real—where much more muted in private. While he was not above, draping a casual arm around the younger rapper once in awhile, or leaning against Jiho during a movie or hugging him from behind when bored (or up to mischief), he had once blanched at the idea of having to act so sugary-sweet in front of an audience as if they were a circus performance. Out of Jiho and himself he was the more affectionate—though contrary to popular belief, Jiho actually did feed him once in awhile when they shared lunch—but Kyung had his limits.

“Okay, okay, yeah at first,” sighed Kyung, “I mean, It was bad enough that they had to force us to do aegyo and —I thought it would just feel cheap—”

Jiho rolled his eyes, throwing up his hands in the air. “So then why—”

“I only felt that way in the beginning, but then I thought maybe that's what I needed to do—to show you I was, okay with...” suddenly Kyung trailed off, feeling a burning flush fighting its way up his neck. Jiho looked like he wanted to say something else—to say a lot of things, but he kept silent, crossing his arms with strained patience. “That I was okay with how you felt back then.” Jiho snorted.

“How sweet of you.” Kyung rolled his eyes. It was if they had come so far in the last hour or so, only for Jiho to shut down the gates once more. Frustration was was beginning to eat away at his own renewed stock of patience.

“Okay. Fine Jiho, you win. I'll stop. I get that you don't like it,” he started hotly, trying to ignore the sinking of his heart. “I get that—”Jiho barked out a dry laugh.

“Kyung, sorry but you don't get .”

“Then explain it to me, man!” snapped Kyung, feeling a prick of humiliation under the muddle of confusion. Jiho's eyes narrowed, and he learned froward a fraction of an inch closer to Kyung, whose breath all but became lodged in his throat and lungs as Jiho's heavy scent brushed against his senses.

“You think, that I hate it all?" he stared slowly, his voice so low, that Kyung had to strain his hear the husky words. “Can you even in' understand how good it feels whenever you're that close to me? How much I love it? A flicker of something flashed across the younger rapper's face, and while Kyung still felt himself stewing in a pot of confusion, his hand itched to reach for his friend.

“What...huh?” was all that he managed. Jiho shook his head with a scoff—but this time, Kyung didn't feel like it was directed towards him.

“Every time we're in front of an audience...I'm like, on cloud 9. Yeah because of the music, yeah because we're performing...but also because you're always so close to me Or I get to be so close to you. It feels damn amazing, you have no idea.”

“Then why...?” said Kyung, his mouth—which had fallen open—almost too slack to move. Jiho all but growled, wrenching himself away from Kyung as he threw frustrated hands back up into the air.

“Because its not real!” he exploded, the shock wave all but slapping a cringing Kyung in the face. “ We get back behind stage, or the cameras pan away, or we get back home and again, and again I realize it's not ing real. Do you know how much that can with a person's mind? I just can't...I can't do it anymore.” The outcry ended much more quietly than it had begun, as Jiho crumpled back down, leaning on the side of the couch, looking down at his slightly trembling hands. His chest heaved against his thin t-shirt. Kyung, feeling the fragility of the silence between them, this time reached for Jiho's hand—slowly.

The other flinched as he felt Kyung's smaller hand brush over the top of his left one. Kyung settled for a gentle pat, before a slight shake until Jiho glanced back at him with dark, painful eyes, but a firm, set mouth. Kyung took a deep breath.

“I know I'm the last person to be saying this---but man, Jiho. I really wish you would have told me this sooner--”

After yet another loud snort, Jiho shrugged—a sharp jerk of the shoulder that was anything but nonchalant. “Technically, I have.” Kyung frowned, gripping his friend's hand in surprise. Jiho started at the touch but did nothing else.
 

“What? When?”

“All those times I would drag your drunk out of the bars when we were on break after everything went down, I'd have to practically carry you home, dump you into bed—hey don't look like that, you know I don't regret it. You would've done the same for me; I'd rather it be me helping you than you stumbling down the street or something...” Kyung still couldn't suppress the guilty flush that colored his cheeks. He had only recently emerged out of that dark period and didn't want to be too quickly reminded of it. “Anyway, by the time I got you onto the bed you”d be out cold. Then I could tell you whatever the hell I wanted to. Like a living diary,” he snickered for a moment. “ It wasn't all nice stuff though, I'll admit it, but its not like you ever remembered anything—you would barely move. But...I don't know, I guess it just helped a little.” Jiho ended the confession with a small shrug, turning his face away from Kyung, who gripped his hand to draw back his attention.

“Jiho,” he muttered . Six years ago, he had no idea what to make of any of this, and chose to hide within himself instead. But not anymore. “I just want you to be happy,” he said, his voice soft like a caress, his eyes focused on his friend's profile. He could clearly hear the growl rumbling in the other's throat, and saw the second he took to bite the bottom of his full lip. Kyung held onto his hand, and Jiho, despite the sharp glare, did not pull away.

“You don't think I don't want that for myself?” he finally muttered. “You know as well as anyone that music is my life, and for now that's enough for me. It's really is. But,” and here Kyung could feel the waver in Jihos's voice and spot the newfound brightness in his now rapidly blinking eyes. He continued to hold on, as Jiho's pitch rose and his words flew faster “but I'm so scared, so ing scared, that it's not gonna be enough one day. I try and tell myself that I won't need anyone else—no one permanent anyway—but I know it's bull. One day I'm going to want a family, I'm going to want to find someone...and I don't ing care if it's a man or a woman, as long as I love them,” here he turned sharply to stare at Kyung with challenging eyes that soon softened as Kyung nodded slowly.

“You shouldn't have to care, man” he spoke warmly. “No one should have to. There's nothing wrong with what you want.” Jiho shook his head.

“You don't get it. Everything is wrong with it. How the hell am I going to be with someone—with anyone—when it's only been you? Every time I try to get over it, every damn time...I just can't,” he muttered, with a sigh, staring down in his lap. Kyung finally released his friend's hand and slid off the couch, repositioning himself to kneel in front of Jiho, whose head now hung low as he muttered to himself. Kyung leaned forward to rest his head against his friend's begging the younger to look at him. Jiho refused.

“Why do I love you so much?” the leader continued to murmur. “Why the can't I stop? Why?” Kyung shook his head as he leaned it against Jiho's.

“Don't stop. Please,” he whispered softly, his lips now ghosting Jiho's ear. Jiho froze.

“What?” asked the younger after a beat, his voice flat enough that the question became a pointed statement. He still refused to look at Kyung, and as a remedy, the older gently took Jiho's face in his hands, his thumbs brushing against the roundness in the other's full cheeks. Jiho's hands reached up to cover Kyung's. While he did not wrench his friend's touch away, he covered the hands firmly as a frown began to outline itself on his face. “What are you talking about?” His voice was still low and flat.

Kyung took a deep breath, feeling as though his insides were trembling though his hands kept steady on Jiho's smooth face. The touch fed him the courage enough to battle the clouding fear swarming within himself. He locked his gaze with Jiho's dark eyes and continued, feeling everything he had ever wanted to say well up in his throat, fighting to spill out.

“I don't want you to stop loving me—I don't want you to stop being in love with me.” He felt Jiho's grip tighten, but he continued on before the other's mouth had a chance to budge. “Look, Jiho. You were way smarter about these feelings than I was. Screw getting perfect grades in school—I was dumb when it came to this. You figured out everything before I even had a clue. And I just wasn't ready. But after you left it was like there was some huge gaping void inside of me—I don't care how stupid that sounds, it's the truth,” He said not without a slightly sharp edge, as Jiho's brow quirked, though he remained silent.

“At first I thought it was normal, that I'd get used to you not being there, that it would pass, but it never did. There wasn't a day I didn't think about you Jiho, no matter what country I was in. I thought I was going crazy at first. But everything started making sense again when you came back, and when started performing together...I knew you were becoming my biggest rival, and sometimes it was hard. It is hard,” Kyung admitted softly, his gaze still warm but steady. “But it's a pressure that supports me too, that keeps me going. And I started to realize then, that I didn't want to be anywhere else, do anything else, unless you were there with me.”

Jiho shook his head, attempting to pull away from Kyung's touch, his eyes sad. “Kyung..Kyung, that doesn't mean—”

Kyung loosened his grip, but continued determinedly. “No, let me finish. Even after realizing all of that though, something still felt off. I Knew how I felt but didn't know what that meant and how I could let you know. Plus something was still missing. Not completely right. I thought it was just because we hadn't talked about what happened in the past. That was definitely part of the problem, but there was something else. When the management suggested “zikyung” I did it thinking it was my way of showing you my acceptance—I figured that's what would help fix us, but soon...” Kyung took a deep breath, feeling as though he was dancing on the edge of his feelings. But he now had the courage to continue onwards.

“But soon it became a way for me to me show what I was too afraid to say. I know you didn't think it was real, but for me, Jiho, it became as real as I would let myself imagine. But I knew I couldn't tell you that until we spoke about what happened before—which is what Jaehyo just told me to do, and he was right. I knew he was right before he said anything,” Kyung snorted, before softly continuing,

“I know I've hurt you Jiho,” he said as he tried to get control over the lump aching in his throat, “and I can't even explain to you what it feels like to know that I've kept hurting you years later. I don't want to keep doing it. I said I want you to be happy and I mean it, but I want to be the one to make you happy. I think I can, If you give me a chance. But you also have to believe I can. And that I deserve it.”

Kyung leaned away slight, removing his hands from Jiho until they hung limp at his sides. He watched his friend, watched as the leader turned to look away from him. Watched as his fist clenched, watch as his breath became forced. Kyung felt his stomach twist, but he remained still. Although his nerves were hot-wired, the lump in his throat and the one in his heart had cleared. He had said what he wanted, and now it as up to Jiho to decide.

And he would take his friend's decision gracefully. No matter what.

“Okay, first of all,” Kyung nearly jumped at Jiho's voice. He looked up up to see the younger man running a and over his head. “get up off the damn floor Kyung. It's kind of freaking me out. You're short enough as it is already.” Kyung snorted, swallowing back a retort as he scrambled back onto the couch with the slightest hint of a smile playing on his lips.

Then it was Jiho's turn to hold Kyung's gaze, his eyes, though lined with a slight flush of pink were steady. He slowly reached for Kyung's hand, resting his fingers softly on top of the other's. Kyung in turn once again went still as stone as he waited.

“Kyung, you already know by now, a million times over how I feel about you. And you know I've felt this way for a really long time, so...” he sighed, curling one long index finger around his friend's. “So waiting a bit longer won't kill me.” Kyung felt the pulse of his heart racing, even as he frowned in confusion

“Wait? Why do we have to—I mean, I—” Jiho shook his head.

“You said it yourself: I haven't completely gotten over what happened between us, and we both know I need to, before I can ever be with anyone, especially you.” Kyung sighed at the unfortunate truth staring him dead in the eye, and although a small part of him wanted to kick himself in the mouth for mentioning that little fact earlier, it changed nothing.

“Okay,” he said, eventually.

“C'mon, don't look at me like that. It won't be forever. And it's not like I”m planning on going anywhere,” he said with a small smile. “Besides, you can use the time to think about things too. Make sure this is what you really want.” Kyung's face darkened.

“You don't believe me?"

“I do. I do, but you've gotta understand, if we do this—really do this—then I'm in it for as long as possible; I’ve felt this way too long to not be. Plus I'm ing selfish, man, If I get to have you then I want all of you. No sharing. And....well, just think about that okay? The last thing I want is for us to regret anything.”

Kyung reached from Jiho's hand once again, embracing the no longer buried need for his closest friend's touch. “Definitely no regrets. Not anymore.” Jiho nodded, the small smile on his face slowly giving way to a slight frown as Kyung's gentle grip began to tug at his arm.

“What is--” he stopped mid-sentence as he began to instinctively lean towards the other, who in turn moved in close as well, slightly raised as to match Jiho's hight. Kyung felt the shudder course through the younger rapper, as he gently pressed his lips against Jiho's soft cheek, sliding his hand up to the other's arm as to steady him.

“I love you,” he murmured into the warmth that was Jiho's skin, his voice gentle but his body buzzing with excitement, without a single drop of fear to be had. This simply felt right.

As if not trusting his own voice, Jiho nodded, leaning against the delicious touch that was Kyung's lips, his hand gripping at the older's shoulder. Kyung risked two more feathered kisses along Jiho's jaw, one brushing against the corner of the other's full mouth which earned him a a sudden intake of breath from Jiho as his lips immediately parted, and his hand gripped Kyung's shoulder tighter. Feeling a sudden surge rocket through his blood, Kyung pried himself away, battling any other burning urges that were starting to seep into his mind and heat his body. Urges that he wasn't 100% sure how to fulfill, just yet.

Any such thoughts quickly cooled as Jiho's grip relaxed before sliding away from his shoulder, and Kyung knew that he had done enough, for now—after all, they had time for anything else they wanted once they were both completely ready.

Kyung settled back down on the couch, resting against the cushions, unable to hide a small snicker as he noted the hot flush flooding Jiho's face. The younger rolled his eyes, shoving his foot against Kyung's leg. Kyung began to cackle.

“Oh my god. Shut. up. Kyung!” Kyung nodded, as he attempted to swallow back down his remaining giggles. He scooted in closer to Jiho, resting his head in the crook of the other's neck, smiling as he felt Jiho's body relax around his (though not without a lightly grunted humpf from the previous injustice), soft and warm like a comforting blanket. An arm s it's away around Kyung's body and he in turn lazily threw his across Jiho's middle.

A peaceful moment of silence followed. Kyung focused on the sweet rhythm of Jiho's breathing, warm, soothing breath traveling cross his face. As relaxed and whole as he felt, he couldn't quell the prickles of the excitement jolting through his body at the thought of his and Jiho's future. It wouldn't be easy he knew—their story didn't begin as a fairytale, nor did he expect it to suddenly continue on as one. But this was the most content he had felt for some time, and Kyung knew that he would wait for as long as he needed to, go up against whatever he needed to as long as that meant staying close to Jiho. And of course, he wouldn't have to face anything alone.

A calming seven and a half minutes ticked by before a voice ripped through the serenity.

“YO GUYS! Come here for a sec!” bellowed (as best as he could manage) Yukwon, from in the living room. There was a thump as something heavy crashed onto the floor. “Whoa! Sorry Jaehyo...didn't see you sleeping there....!”

Jiho groaned. Kyung rolled his eyes.

“Should we go?” Jiho nodded, as Minhyuk called out “we have something to tell you!” Kyung and Jiho shot each other questioning looks as they uncurled themselves from their cocoon of peace and warmth without much enthusiasm. They could hear the creak of the bedroom door being opened down the hall.

“What's so important? That they made up or something?” asked Kyung, stretching as he made his way over to he door.

“Who the hell knows with those two?” muttered Jiho, scooping up his books and following Kyung's lead.

“Never know. Look at what we just worked our way through. Maybe they had some great epiphany?”

Jiho snorted. “What are the chances?”

What, indeed.

* * *

Authors Note: Hello, lovely readers! First of all, thanks so so so much for all the great comments, the subscriptions, the story views—EVERYTHING. The last time I posted, I had around 46 (awesome, amazing cooler than ice, etc etc) subscribers, and now I have almost 100 more! o.o I still can't believe this little story has gotten so much love, and I'm really grateful for it! Glad you've been enjoying the ride so far!

Now I know it's been months and months since I last updated this (some of you probably thought I had abandoned the story! noooo, neverrrrrrr!!...I hope.) I apologize for the long long wait—there are reasons, but there's no point in getting into them ;) Hopefully the next (and most likely LAST) chapter won't take so long...but I can't make any promises. o.o

There is a lot I could say about this chapter, including my struggle and dissatisfaction with some parts, but blegh, who cares? I'm more interested in what you think and what you have to say :D Of course, I hope you enjoyed it and I hope it was at least somewhat worth the wait.

Thanks and see you in the next (laaaaast. We hope) chapter! *waves little zikyung flag*