003
Secret Feelings
It's wednesday. I didn't attend our rehearsal last saturday nor go to school for two days. Just like the old days. I would rather stay home just to avoid seeing the guy who made my heart shattered into pieces.
I cant face him. I'm too afraid that I might burst into tears. I cant even mention his name. It's too... painful.
Why am I acting this way? I wasn't dumped neither gotten into a break up. I know I dont have the right to act this way but.. I assumed too much. I expected too much. I didn't even see this coming. It was so sudden.
We've may have never gotten together but it hurts.
He's just a crush.... right?
Wrong.
I fell for him. I've been telling myself that it's okay to fall for him, knowing that he wont hurt me. I guess I was wrong. He did, although, he's unaware of it.
Now, I have to hide the pain. I should keep all of these to myself. No one knew about my feelings so here I am, suffering all by myself.
I was wrong.
I should've tell someone right? If I only did, then I wouldn't have been alone. I would have a shoulder to cry on.
Im always wrong.
I hugged my pillow. With my face burried on it, I was sobbing once again. My eyes are all puffy but I didnt give a about that. I have huge eyebags, my hair is a mess, and I haven't eaten the right amount of food. I didn't had the time to fix myself because all I did was cry for 5 days.
I pity myself.
What did I do for me to always get hurt? All I did was love. But.... I loved too much that I always end up being hurt.
"Neoui sesangeuro
Yeorin barameul tago
Ne gyeoteuro
Ne gyeoteuro
Eodieseo wannyago
Haemarkge mutneun nege bimirira malhaesseo
Manyang idaero hamkke georeumyeon
Eodideun cheongugilteni"
Haemarkge mutneun nege bimirira malhaesseo
Manyang idaero hamkke georeumyeon
Eodideun cheongugilteni"
My phone is ringing. I grabbed my phone from the table and looked at the name of the caller.
Calling...
Kai <3
My heart felt heavy seeing his name. It still hurts. Why can't I just be numb?
I stared at my phone. Should I answer it?
.......
No thanks.
I threw my phone to my bed including myself. The ringing stopped and I was in a relief.
I never answered any calls nor replied to text messages for days. I just wanted to run away for awhile.
I held my aching chest as I stared at the ceiling. I just wanted to think. I wanted to forget him but my heart says no. I don't get it. What's the reason to still like him anyways? There's not even a chance for him to like me. He have Krystal.
Suddenly, I found myself grabbing my phone and flipping it open.
17 messages
8 missed calls
My heartbeat started to race when I scrolled down my inbox. It was all from Kai.
Kai <3
It was fun with you today! :) See you tomorrow at the rehearsal!
Kai <3
Why didn't you come? Are you busy? Taemin taught us the new choreos for the dance festival.
Kai <3
Why didn't you go to school today? Are you sick?
Kai <3
Good evening! Get well soon ;)
Kai <3
We did alot today. I could lend you my notes~
Kai <3
Why are you absent again? Still stick? TT__TT
Kai <3
Sehun said he's missing you. We miss you! :D
Kai <3
When are you going to school? It's pretty much boring without you in rehearsals too.
Kai <3
Hae In~ I miss you. Are you still sick? :(
I felt a tear ran down my cheek. Suddenly, I was crying again. Kai, why are you like that? How could you be so sweet? I was absent because I was broken. He's missing me? But why? I'm just no one. Well, if I were a 'friend' to him, ofcourse he would miss me. It's so cruel.
I scrolled even more and there's a message from Sehun.
Sehunnie Pabo.
Bestie. I know it's impossible for you to get sick since you're a man ;) Just kidding! Hey, Something's wrong. I know it. Did something happened? :( You're not answering our calls either. Go to school already! Kai and I are missing you! Tell me if you're heartbroken again and I'll kill the guy! But hey, whoever that is. I can tell you that I know someone who definitely won't hurt you. Arasso? Stop being a whimp and put yourself together! Go to school already! :D See you tomorrow! <3
PS: I would only text you once so think it over again!
Go to school, or I'll ambush your house. BYE . :* <3
My tears stopped when I read it. And now, I found myself laughing. "Pabo..", I chuckled.
As expected from my best friend. He know me too well. But, he'll kill the guy? How could he kill his friend? Serously Sehun, you don't know anything.
Someone who wont hurt me? Who is he talking about? Suddenly bringing up something. What is he up to? Now I'm curious. Sehun, what are you planning?
Stop being a whimp and pull yourself together!
A whimp. That's what I could call myself right now. I kept on running away. Is it time for me to face my fears? I need to get over with this feeling. I have to. Sometimes, I have to be strong and fight over my weakness. And I think, now is the time to be tough.
See you tomorrow Sehun and..... Kai.
"Oh My Bieber! I was happy that you finally showed yourself!", Sehun hugged my arm. We were at the cafeteria. Me, Sehun and ... Kai. Ofcourse he's with us. We've became 'friends'
It still hurts seeing him. His smile, his voice, his face. Everything. I used to love everything about him. Aaaaaaaaaaand it's gone. It's now hurting me.
"I'm just sick Sehun", I freed myself from Sehun. He gave me a suspicious look.
"Sick? Liar. You came here because of my message right?", he narrowed his eyes at me. "I was serious about ambushng your house since you're not replying to our messages"
"What are you talking about? I lost my phone! I only found it earlier this morning at the laundry basket.", I lied. "Thank god it didn't swam inside the washing machine"
Lying. That was something I'm bad at. I already used that excuse a year ago. The time when I was crying over Tao. And Sehun here, caught that I'm lying because I blurted out that I couldn't get any sleep because of his calls. So this time, I definitely wont fail.
"Oh suuuure", he narrowed his eyes even more. "You used that excuse a year ago."
I gulped. "Things happen for the second time right?"
Yeah. It sure happened for the second time. My heart was broken again. Just like last year.
Sehun sighed in defeat. "Fine. You won", he said before taking a sip to his banana milk tea. "Oh by the way, remember that book I borrowed last week?". I nodded. "Well, you see... Kai and I were chasing each other down the hallway while I was carrying that book. So when I tripped over, it flew straight into the fountain".
I facepalmed myself. "Why were you carrying a book while running around? Pabo!", I hit him at the back of his head.
"Mian!", Sehun pouted. I sighed. No one, as in NO ONE, can resist this guy's aegyo.
"Hae In, Are you sure you're fine now?", Kai asked acrossed the table. Based on his looks, he was worried about me. Little did I know, my heart was racing again. This is wrong. I should'nt be so weak. I went to school to forget him. Why is he always making me so weak?
Afraid of stuttering, I nodded in response with a sly smile. I can't even look at him. I have to be tough. I can't stay weak forever. Atleast once, I have to fight over my weakness.
The time seemed to be so slow for today. A minute felt like an hour. I'm feeling kinda uneasy especially when I caught Kai looking at me for so many times. Everytime we met gazes, he would smile at me and I would smile back.
What's with him today?
Classes finally ended. I rushed out to the room after telling Sehun that I'm going home first.I don't want to walk home with Kai today. It would be really awkward. I headed to my locker and took out the books that I need to take home for today's homeworks.
I was walking out of the school gates when I spotted someone. It's Tao. He's with Kris. There are rumors that they are going out. I watched them as Tao was laughing with Kris. He looked so happy. I've never seen him so happy before. The way he laugh with Kris, it's priceless.
Suddenly he met eyes with me. I was actually expecting him to ignore me, but instead, he smiled. It was then followed by a wave. I couldn't help but to smile and wave back. It's as if we're friends. The last time I checked, I was dying over that panda. And now, I'm enjoying the sight of him and Kris, happily walking out of the school gate. It's interesting.
I wonder, when would be the time that I see Kai and Krystal in the same situation as them? And by that time, how I wish I've finally gotten over him.
I stopped from my tracks when I remembered something. The rehearsal. Taemin oppa and the others could have already be missing me. I think I should attend today.
I opened the door of the rehearsal room. I'm hearing it again. Ne-Yo's Part of the list. I only know one person who dances to this song. It's Kai.
Without backing out, I dragged myself in. As expected, it's Kai. The others doesnt seem to arrive yet.
"Yo Haein!", Kai stopped from dancing when he spotted me by the door.
"Where are the others?", I looked around.
Kai grabbed a towel and started whiping off his sweat. The temptation. I'm hating it. I suddenly wanted to whipe his sweat myself. Look at that colar bone. That jawline. That chest. Isn't he y? The way he-
"Am I that y?"
I snapped out of my thoughts when I realized that I was staring too much. He smirked right after he drank his bottle of water. "There are no rehearsals today", he finally stated.
"Oh..", I was kinda disappointed since I wont get to see the others. "I guess I'll go now. See you tomorrow Kai~", I was about to pull the door open when I felt a hand, grabbing mine.
"Wait Haein..", he was giving me a serious look. His eyes are telling me something. What's with him?
He let go of my hand and his face suddenly changed. "Im actually thinking... If we can practice the new choreo together?", he said, rubbing the back of his head.
"Okay...", without thinking, I agreed. What has gotten into me?
He gave me his sweet smile and I swear, my world stopped. Why am I acting this way? I should be tough right? Why am I softening when it comes to him?
During the whole rehearsal, there's a huge space between us. It's really obvious that I'm avoiding him. I can already feel the uneasyness coming from Kai. Everytime he moves closer, I would step back. It may not seem right but that's all I can do. Once I step a little closer to him, I might fall again. Well, I haven't even gotten over him yet. But still, I won't let myself fall even more. It's like digging a hole for myself.
After 2 hours of rehearsal, it's finally time to go home. Kai hesitated to walk me home. To be honest, I was happy about it, but I should'nt be. I should be moving on right?
"Haein, what flavor do you like?", Kai asked. We're at an Ice Cream store. Kai here dragged me inside telling that he'll treat me.
"Just make it Chocolate.... like yours"
He gave me a suspicious look. "How did you know that I was about to order Chocolate?", he blinked at me.
I gulped. If I told him that I found it out since I always stalk watch him from afar, that would be weird. I should think of something!
"Just a wild guess", I said with a pretty bad poker face.
"You must be a fortune teller~", he joked, messing my hair.
His touch. It made me feel butterflies in my stomach. Now I'm blushing really hard.
After grabbing some ice cream, we took a seat by the nearby park. It's getting dark already so the lights started opening one by one. The view is really beautiful. The children who are playing by the playground started leaving. Now, it's only the two of us.
I looked at Kai as I could'nt help myself to do so.
"Hey Haein..", he said while looking from afar. I quickly snapped out of my thoughts.
"Y-yes?"
"What should I do?", he looked at me with bothered eyes.
This is the very first time I see him like that. The Kai I know is cheerful. I guess he have a problem. But, what is it?
"Why? What's wrong?" I asked him.
He looked at the ground, playing with the pebbles under his feet. "I have this huge crush on someone..... and I dont think she likes back. Should I give up?"
Hearing those painful words straight from his mouth made my heart shatter into pieces once more. What's more cruel is that he's asking advice from me.
Before answering, I tried to pull myself together and be tough as I can, "What made you think that she doesnt like you?", I managed to ask without stuttering.
"Well....", he sighed. "She only sees me as a friend no matter what I do."
He's.... friendzoned? Of all of the things he was doing for her, he was friendzoned?
"Hmm. If you dont mind me asking, what were you doing to show her how much you feel?", hearing my question, he sighed once again.
"To be honest, this is the first time I had this huge feelings for someone so I really don't know what to do. Asking for her number was even hard for me. It took me a week to build up the courage.", he frowned. "So when I finally became friends with her, I was really happy. Happy that I am now only a step away from confessing. But, I couldn't confess because I know she only treats me as a friend"
"Why won't you try confessing now? Call her.", I dont know what has gotten into me for saying that. I am making my crush, confess to his crush, infront of my very own eyes. Call me stupid or whatsoever, that's me. "Who knows? She might like you too."
His eyes widened, eyeballs about to pop out of it's sockets. "T-that's impossible. How could she like someone like me. I'm-"
"Perfect"
"Huh?"
"You got the brains and the looks. You're very good in dancing and also in sports. Women are head over heels for you. Men are envious of you. What is something not to like about Kim Jong In?"
After a long pause, it finally hit me. Did I really said that to Kai? It just slipped out of my mouth. I couldnt help myself.
"If you want to, I can help you practice your lines. Pretend that I'm her and tell me what you've wanted to tell her all this time", I think I need a slap across the face. I dont know what Im saying anymore.
"Are you sure?", he asked looking at me straight from the eyes. My heart is beating fast again. This guy still has an effect on me.
I tried my best to put up a smile and nodded at him. "Ofcourse. You're my friend"
He heaved a deep sigh before smiling back at me. He dragged himself closer to me before grabbing both of my hands.
"The moment you walked into that room on that day, I knew you'll be someone that would mean alot to me. Someone who can change me. I was thankful for meeting you. Without you, the "Kai" they know would'nt really be smart, talented, and popular. I was improving myself because of you.", he paused. He looked at the ground and heaved a deep sigh once again.
"I want to be the rightful guy for you. I was afraid that you would reject me so I did my best to be as popular as you are. You're beautiful, smart, talented, and you have the personalities that I've been looking for a girl. For me, you're perfect"
Hearing those words made me feel so special. Those were the words I've been waiting to hear from Kai. Im almost at the edge of crying. He's so sweet. Every girl would want a guy like that.
But, that wasnt meant for me. Once again, reality slapped me across the face. We're just pretending.
Kai enterlaced his fingers through mine. "I like you. I really do.", his lips curled into a smile. "All this time, I wanted to make you mine. And now I have the chance to ask you.", he gently ran his hands through my hair, "Will you be my girlfriend?"
"Y-", I was about to say yes but then I remembered, this isnt real. That's the question that I've been waiting for. But too bad I got to hear it only now. I gulped before trying to be tough as I can, stopping myself from crying.
I stood up and let go his other hand, "That was good!", I beamed. "You would definitely make her say yes!"
Instead of being happy, there's sadness filled in his eyes.
"W-wae? What's wrong?", I asked him. He just shook his head. "Come on. You already know what to say. You should confess now!"
He stood up before smiling at me, "But I already did".
I was lost at words. But I already did. What does he mean by that? I'm not.. the one, right? It's impossible, is it?
I was surprised. I didn't know this would happen. I can't get myself to look at him. As I turned my back at him, I bit my lower lip, trying to wake myself incase I was only dreaming.
"Hae In...", Kai walked infront of me. "Hae In! Your lip is bleeding!", he quickly took out his handkerchief and wiped off the blood. "What were you thinking?", he said with worry, "I'm sorry if I surprised you. I do-"
"So, Im not dreaming, am I?", I blinked at the worried Kai. He looked at me, confused.
"Ofcourse you're not", he messed my hair.
This really isn't a dream. Kai just confessed to me. HE JUST CONFESSED TO ME. OH MY GOD.
"Yes", I said blankly.
"What?", he raised a brow.
"YES KIM JONG IN. I want to be your girlfriend!", I blurted out in so much happiness. I couldn't help myself. It's like a dream come true!
Kai's smile was about to reach his ears, "OMO JINJA?!", he lifted me off the ground and started spinning me around. "OH MY GOD NAM HAE IN SARANGHAE!!!"
I was so happy! I couldnt help myself but to laugh. He's just too cute. He's like a kid who won a stuff toy in an Amusement Park. This is the first time I've seen him so happy. And the same goes for me. I've never been so happy like this, ever before.
"YOU GUYS ARE SO NOISY!"
We heard a familiar voice yelled from not that far. Kai putted me down and we both looked at the direction where the voice came from.
Sehun was walking towards our direction with his arms folded across his chest. "It's time to go home! What were you guys doing at this hour? We still have tons of homeworks you know!"
He's like a mom. What a nagger.
"OMO KIM HAE IN.", he ran to me. "What happened to your lip? It's bleeding!", Sehun panicked like a mad cow.
I sighed, "Sehun, I-"
"I think I bit it too hard.", Kai said.
"......", Both, Sehun and I was speechless. Sehun gave me a look.
"Don't worry, I'll take care of it.", Kai smirked before leaning his face closer to mine. And in a flash, both our lips met. And suddenly, he started my bottom lip.
"OMB!" Sehun squealed.
Kai let go of my lip before smirking once again. "That will do".
I blinked at him. "I think my ovaries just exploded"
Kai chuckled. "It's okay honey. Atleast we don't have to worry about familly planning"
What the heck did I just hear.
"OH MY BIEBER. GET A ROOM!!!! Here, a discount card from the nearby hotel!" Sehun handed out a card to Kai, "Dont make out in the park, it's disgusting!!", then he left us while shaking his head.
"Weird Sehun is weird.", Kai said. He looked at me and we both chuckled.
"But seriously, where did he get the discount card?", I smirked.
Author's Note:
OMG. Finally it's finished! I decided to update this since it was Kai's birthday yesterday.
Sorry for the long wait! Saranghae yo readers! <3 Dont forget to upvote! ^^
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