I laid in the hospital bed, blankly looking up of the white, dull ceiling, while listening to the heart monitor beep every time my heart beats. Light mummers and quiet footsteps were heard outside the closed door. 

 

I sighed as I closed my tired eyes, recalling what Doctor Choi told me and my family. 

 

"The results from the latest body check up, another tumour was found in your left lung," he informed, "and he condition has gone much faster than I have predicted. I can't determine how long you could live in this rate, but I prosumer another four months maximum."

 

I don't know what I should feel. I don't know how should I feel. Yet, at the same time I have many feelings running through me at the same time. I feel like life is playing with me. First it took away my closest relatives and then brought my cousin back to me, but then found out he's going to die along side with me; later it gave me the love of my life and now taking my life away for no bloody reason at all! 

 

What have I done in my life or past life to deserve this? I don't deserve it! I don't! I don't deserve to see the people I love in pain! I don't deserve to feel this much pain physically and mentally. I don't deserve to be afraid that I might die any time every single day. I don't! I don't deserve any of this! 

 

I didn't notice I was crying when I let out a sob and a sniffle. My emotions poured out like a waterfall. I couldn't contain myself, I couldn't bottle up my feelings anymore, I couldn't try to stay strong anymore. I'm so tired. 

 

I heard the door click open, but I didn't make any movement. I'm just so tired. 

The door shut and feet shuffle to the chair next to my bed. The chair screeched against the floor and it creaked when person sat down and let out a sigh. 

 

"You okay?" I head Byunghyun's voice. 

I heard it loud and clear, but I didn't register it. My mind was blank as I lay on this hospital bed. 

 

He picked up my hand and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles and let another sigh. "Come on  you, you have laid on this hospital bed lifelessly for a week now," he stated, "it's time to get up."

 

Is it really time to get up? But I don't want to. I want to stay here and maybe I don't have to deal with this disease. What is the point? I have lost all hope, not that I had any in the first place. When I decide I would die with no regrets, he came. The very first man I loved, but I couldn't be with him. Life is cruel. 

 

Byunghyun let out another sigh and stood up. He mumbled a take care before he walked my room, shutting the door in the end. 

 

I laid in the bed for another minute and I heard a beep from my phone. That darn thing constantly rang all week and not once I checked it. Yet, today - right now - I'm slowly sitting up and turned to the bedside table and picked up my phone. I opened it up and a list of messages and miss calls flashed on the screen and all of them are from Minsoo. 

My heart skipped a beat and thumped hard on my chest. I opened the most recent message and I felt butterflies fluttering, tickling my stomach. He always make me react this way since the first time a met him and it never changed, not even once. 

How long have I met him? About 100 days now. 100 blissful days. 

 

I chuckled to myself when I realised I actually counted how many days I have met him. I never knew someone would make such a huge impact on me even though we only met for three months. Three months and I fell in love. 

 

I read the message and the corners of my lips twitched up. He wants to see me. I read another message and my smile became wider. He misses me. 

 

Then it hit me. He has feelings for me. Our feelings are neutral and the feelings he have for me must stop. He can't love me anymore. The more he loves me, the more he'll be hurt when I leave, for good. 

 

I texted him back telling him that I'm going to meet him at the club in an hour. I pulled out the device stamped on my risk and the heart machine let out an a long annoying beep. I leaped out of the uncomfortable hospital bed, but I crashed on my knees as soon as I went my feet. I didn't realise how weak I was until I tried to get up myself. I didn't realise I was so venerable until I tried to be strong. I didn't realise how weak I actually am until I try to get up myself. 

 

I need to change things. I need to face my matters and not hide any run away from them. It's because I was so naive thinking everything would be okay if I just ignore them. I'm always like that. I'm always so dependent and protected. When my aunt and uncle passed away, my parents sheltered me and cheered me up. They protected me from pain and trauma. All they want is for me to be safe and happy and I got too use to it, a bit too much. 

 

Now, it's time for me to protect them. It's for me to protect the people I love and treasure and I'm starting with Minsoo. He is the man that I love, the man that made my heart flutter in a very long time, the man that loves me back. Three months may not have been long, but I love him; from the first time we met, I knew he would be the one claiming my heart. 

 

I placed my palms on the bed and used all my strength to push myself up. My arms ache and my legs are weak. My head started to pulse, but I ignored it. I bit my lip and kept on pushing myself up. It's for Minsoo. 

 

The door door clicked open and a worried Byunhyun called out my name. He took a step towards me to help me up, but Doctor Choi stopped him. 

 

"Let her get up herself," he told Byunhyun. 

 

I laid my forearm flat on the bed, the bed sheets as I tried to get up. Using the last bit of strength I have in my weak body I got on my feet. 

Byunhyun quickly dashed to me and held me steady as my head hung low. 

 

"Why didn't you just call me if you wanted to get out of bed?" he asked me worriedly. 

 

"It's because I wanted to change things!" I cried and looked up as tears streamed down my face, "I want to be the one to make things right! I don't want to bother anyone anymore and be so damn dependent. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore!"

 

I let out a loud sob and buried my face on my cousin's chest. I kept on sobbing and whispered incoherent words. 

 

~*~

 

I wrapped my arms tightly around Byunhyun's waist as he sped to the underground club. Doctor Choi gave me some pain killers and vitamin pills for me to feel better and are gain a bit of my energy, before we signed the discharge papers without my parents knowing. 

 

As we went closer to the club, I felt my heart thud faster. Each beat felt like a knife stabbing it, deeper and deeper. It's like it knows what is going to happen and is preparing itself for pain and making itself getting use to the pain. 

 

The motorbike halted to a stop, making our bodies push forward. I took off my helmet and handed it to Byunhyun. I took out my pink beanie from my jumper pocket and placed it on my bold scalp. I told my cousin to stay at the motorbike and keep the engine on, after I hopped off. I turned my heels, seeing the man I love leaning on the graffiti wall, head down on his phone. 

 

My breath hitched up and heart thudding faster with delight, yet at the same time pain. 

 

This is it.

 

I took a step and he looked up. As soon as he saw me, his whole face lit up, lips stretched into a million dollar smile and those eyes, those beautiful eyes, showed nothing but love as he stared at me. 

 

He quickly jogged to me with a shy smile, while I stood there like a stone. I feel like running and hide. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm scared. 

 

"you -yah," he spoke my name. 

His deep voice rang through my ears making my heart beat faster. 

 

"I've missed you," he said and took my hand, pulling me where he was standing before, "I got to tell you something."

 

He bit his bottom lip trying to contain his smile, but it didn't really work. 

 

I think I'm going to hurt him more than I suppose to.  

 

"you," he said and looked down and rubbed the back of his neck. 

"Yes Minsoo," I replied softly, feeling very uneasy. 

He looked up and cleared his throat as a light blush tinted his cheeks. "I know we haven't met for that long," he started, "but I really like you and I hope you would be my girl," he finished and squeezed my hand while looking at me with hope, anticipation and nervousness is eyes. 

 

My heart banged on my ribcage harder and faster as his words repeated in my head. My heart swelled in bliss, as I realised what I have to do, it shrivelled. Is this the bitter-sweet love I've heard about? This horrid bitter-sweet feeling and love. 

 

Tears started to well up and I closed my eyes trying to show any signs of me crying. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, pulling my hands away in the process. Minsoo looked at me alarmed and confused. His dark sharp eyes stared at mine with worry and anticipation. 

 

"What's wrong?" he asked, trying to keep calm, but the worry and waver lingered in his voice. 

 

I took another deep breathe and gulped. "I can't date you," I told him bluntly. 

 

His eyes widen, full of hurt and rejection. "Why?" he asked quietly. His body started to trembled along with his breathing. 

 

"I, I don't have any feelings for you," I chocked out. 

 

He looked nothing but pain and dejection. I couldn't look straight at him. I know I'll break apart faster and I don't want that. This moment I'm hurting as much as him, but for him, I'll hold it in. Just for him. 

 

"Don't all these dates mean anything to you? Didn't you feel anything when I kissed you, when I held you hand?" he yelled, trembling. 

 

I closed my eyes and gulped. I shot my eyes open, staring right into his and said the biggest lie, "No. I didn't feel a thing, I don't have any feelings towards you what so ever."

 

His eyes widen with hurt flash all over them. He quivered even more and took deep hollow breaths. "You're lying," he whispered as he stared right at me. 

 

"You're lying!" he screamed and pounced at me, pulling me in his arms. His strong arms wrapped around my small body and buried his face on the crook of my neck. His breath tickled my skin, making me shiver. 

 

"You're lying, I know you are," he whispered and tightened his grip. 

 

A tear slipped out and rolled down my cheek. I closed my eyes and took shaky breaths. I wanted to tell him I was lying. I wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted to so much, but I can't. I can't lead him on and let him keep loving someone that is about to die. He deserves someone much better than me. I don't want him to be in even more pain than before. 

 

"Minsoo," I sighed and used all my strength and push him away, "I'm sorry," with that I sprinted to Byunhyun's motorbike before he could comprehend what I said. I told my cousin to go without even putting on my helmet. 

 

I heard Minsoo's faint voice called for me as we sped off and I let all my feelings out. I sobbed as I hugged Byunhyun's waist tightly, letting out all my emotions and pain. 

 

~*~

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M99y0N55ANc

 

Byunhyun and my condition has gotten worst throughout the past few weeks. For some reason his tumour has grown intensively fast, while mine, it was always growing fast. 

 

We laid on our hospital beds, which was in the same room and requested by us, with oxygen tubes up our noses, wires and whatnot connected on us and UV's dripping through our veins. We have became very weak so fast and it became so bad we didn't even have the strength to walk, eat or even breath properly. 

 

My phone buzzed on the table on table in the middle of out beds. I didn't have to check to know who it was. Minsoo has been pestering me none stop these past few weeks. He went to my house, texted me and called. It's funny that we only known each other for three weeks and he's acting like we've been dating for all our lives. 

 

The door clicked open, making both of us looked towards the door. It was Doctor Choi and my parents walking in. As soon as my mother saw my condition, she broke out in sobs. She covered with her hand as tears flowed out of her eyes. My father held her by her shoulders and slightly squeezed them, whispering comforting words to her, even though he knew it is all hollow words. 

 

"I'll leave you all alone for a few minutes," Doctor Choi said and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. 

 

My mum wailed louder and rushed to me. She took my hand and squeezed it tightly, like if she doesn't hold on me tightly, I'll fade away. Nevertheless, how much she holds onto me, I am going to fade away. Today is the day I'm going to die, along side with Byunhyun. 

We signed the forms that Doctor Choi is going to inject this poison in our body that would put us to sleep, forever.

 

"Umma," I whispered softly, which was almost inaudible. 

She responded with a sob and choked on her tears. She squeezed my hand tighter as tears rolled down from her eyes. 

"Gwenchana," I breathed out and wheezed a bit. 

"Don't talk, please don't talk," she sobbed and pressed my hand on her lips. 

 

I called her again and caressed her lips with the back of my figures. She looked up at me with tear-stained face. I smiled weakly, telling her everything is going to be alright, telling her how sorry I was and telling her how much I love her. 

 

"Hey, give me some love here," Byunhyun coughed out weakly and let out a faint chuckle, trying to lighten up the atmosphere. 

 

My parents looked at him giving him gentle smile and choked out a laugh, but they were dying inside. 

 

The door creaked open and Doctor Choi walked in. "Are you ready?" he asked giving all of us a synthetic look. 

 

"No, please, a bit more time," my mother breathed out and choked on another sob. 

 

"Umma," I called for her again. 

She looked back at me, trembling and trying not to break down and cry. I gave her the best smile I could give her, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't much. 

"It's time," I whispered. 

 

She broke into loud cries and dropped on her knees, holding my hand tightly and sobbing incoherent words under her breath. 

I lifted my arm and placed it on the top of her head. "I'm sorry," I breathed out. 

 

She took hold of my hand again and kissed my knuckles. "Remember umma loves you," she whispered, "we both love you."

 

Tears started to flow down my face. No words can describe how I felt. I felt loved and touched from my parents, mainly from my mother; I felt pain because I have to leave them and I made my mother cry. I made her cry for so many times because of me. She has done so much for me and I couldn't even repay her. Not even once and now I'm going to die, leaving her in this cruel world. I am a horrible daughter. I am a horrible person. I hurt the people I truly treasure and love. 

 

"Mrs Lee, Mr Lee, would you mind go out the room," Doctor Choi requested, "or do you want to stay in here." 

 

Umma choked on her tears and appa helped her stood up on her feet. "We'll go out," he replied and held into her shoulders. 

 

My mother turned to us and gazed at us one more time. She tightly shut her eyes and turned away, walking out the room. Doctor Choi gestured a nurse to come in the room and wheels and trays were heard coming in the room. 

 

"Are you two ready?" he asked. 

 

I turned to Byunhyun and he did the same. We stared at each other, silently saying our goodbyes and looked back to the plain ceiling. "Yeah," we breathed out and closed our eyes. 

 

Doctor Choi and the nurse both took a needle, in the right amount of the poison to put us out of our misery. They walked over to our side and wiped disinfection alcohol on a spot on our upper arm. I felt a pinch on the spot that was wiped with the disinfection alcohol and not very long after I felt the needle pulling out. 

 

I re-opened my eyes again and the memories I had replied clear as day. I guess it's called 'my whole life flashing before my eyes'. My eyelids started to become heavy and they started to droop down as memories kept on flashing. 

Before my eyes were completely shut, I saw the very last image that I really wanted to see right at this moment. His tanned skin, deep sharp eyes, slightly flat nose and pink kissable lips. 

 

"Minsoo,"

---

A/N This story is finally done! 

*cries in tears*

I hope you guys liked it and cried a lot, because it was my goal, to make you all cry. 

I haven't edit this what so ever. Once I finished typing the last word, I upload it because I've known you guys had waited a long time for this.      ALL DONE!

I'll put up an epilogue soon, I hope. 

 

As alway… please comment and subscribe; and thank you for reading!