Journal,

I feel terrible for not being able to write for a whole week or so. How have you been lately? I hope things have been well. As for me, I haven’t been doing well myself. To tell you the truth, I haven’t been doing well since my roommate made it seem like he doesn’t like me anymore. Ever since Heechul suddenly demanded more than half of my attention, everything went downhill.

It’s not like I did anything wrong to deserve this, right? I don’t even know what changed. One minute, he’s opening up to me perfectly fine, while the next he’s clammed up so tightly that he won’t even look my way!

I just want to know if I did anything wrong. If I did, I’m terribly sorry and I will do my best to fix it right away.

At least he’s opening up to everyone else around him instead of staying clammed up and quiet. He has begun to spend a couple of hours playing and talking with Kyuhyun, he now tries his best to help Sungmin cook when we’re actually able to be around, he talks and jokes around with Donghae whenever the man looks like he’s about to cry, and he helps Eunhyuk out of the random tight spaces that Kangin puts him in. But he doesn’t stay in my—or Heechul’s—presence for more than two seconds.

I don’t even know if he’s sleeping in our room! He disappears right before I head to bed and is out of the place before I’m even able to open my eyes. Does he even sleep in this apartment? Does he sleep?

He’s also getting very close to the two female leads, which is good. Very good, actually. I’m happy for him. The girls are probably the best to hang around at the moment. I’m so proud of him that I want to praise him nonstop, but not being able to talk to him makes my heart so sad.

I think I might need to read my Bible a bit more than normal to cheer myself up a slight bit, and pray. I need to pray. I kind of had to put my nightly prayers off because so many things have been bogging my mind down.

Here’s a list of what I’ve been having trouble with:

-It seems like my housemates are unsure of how to handle Heechul (And he’s my guest so I feel bad)

-Heechul had a heavy fight with Hangeng hyung, and has needed a lot of attention lately.

-I need to focus on my acting a bit more, as well as my lines. (I fear I won’t do well due to the fact that I’ve been focusing on other things.)

-I had to refuse my father when he asked me to take a break from my career to help him with the company for a little bit.

-Father’s company is having a slight bit of difficulties at the moment.

-Kibum possibly hates my guts for some unknown reason.

-I haven’t taken time to talk to God personally for a few days.

I really do need to stop and take time to talk to God. (That must be one of the many reasons why I’ve been so unhappy lately. I should add that to my list.)

I need to talk to God as soon as I possibly can. Right now, though, I can’t. There are too many people I need to focus on, and to top that off, at any given moment I could be asked to go onto the set.

I shouldn’t even be writing in you, Journal. I’ve been so frazzled lately that I felt like I needed to make time to write in you today even if my life depended on it. I don’t even care at the moment what others are thinking as I write in you. I need it.

I should really do that towards God at this moment…shouldn’t I?

Ah, sorry, hold on. I’m being called to the set. I’ll be right back.

….

...Back. Sorry for taking long, I wasn’t getting the line right…

Alright, where was I? Ah, yes. Praying. I need to make time to talk to God since I’ve made time to write in you, Journal. Should I do that right once I get home? Wait, I have time in between the car ride from the set to the celebration feast. That time will be good enough. And then I’ll pray before I go to bed.

Now that the major problem is settled, I wanted to focus a bit on Heechul. As I mentioned in my list, he got into a really bad fight with Hangeng. Sure, he always fights with almost everyone he encounters, but this time was worse compared to his usual fights—or so he says.

The day after we all hung out for the first time at the apartment, he had come to the company and pulled me aside when he saw that I was out of my meeting. He just kept pulling me until he stopped in a secluded area within the company and without warning he began to cry…heavily.

It definitely took me by surprise since he has always been so cautious about his appearance. It has always been a rare occurrence to see him cry in front of others.

Anyways, I offered to be his support until he made up with Hangeng. His story was so heartbreaking that it was the best I could do for him. I don’t know how long this fight will last, but I want to be there through this pain. I mean, think about it. Going through fights with the one you love and trust the most is probably the hardest things to endure on your own. So, he needs at least someone there for him, and I feel like I’ve been the only person that he’s confided in about this problem.

When this pain started to fester within my heart due to Kibum ignoring me, it was then that I realized how hard it was to keep Heechul happy. (I even think that he and Kyuhyun have had yelling fights behind my back, because my housemate has constantly expressed his annoyance with Heechul always being around…it’s kind of saddening to know that the two can’t get along.)

Why does everyone have to hurt? I know I keep asking this, Journal, but I seriously want to know. Now, I’m not even excluded from pain surrounding my heart. But no worries, I will do my best to help everyone, even Heechul. I will help them in some way, somehow to heal their hurting hearts. And now that the meetings are over and we’ve shifted into the filming part for the drama, it’ll be a bit easier.

I think I want to help Heechul first, because he’s such a mess. Or maybe I shouldn’t pick one and help them all at once?

I think Heechul has noticed my pain, though. Two days ago, when I was suffering quite a bit, he pulled me away from my co-workers—like usual—and set me down in a park. Not letting me care about the time, he began to do impersonations of every sort. I knew he did impersonations, but I never knew that he was so good at it! More than half of them were so similar to the person he was impersonating that I was shocked. He must have practiced so hard. The best part about it was that he made me forget the pain in my heart for a little bit, and I actually enjoyed myself. I feel like I need to find a way to repay him somehow for being so thoughtful.

People around us who don’t know Heechul as well tend to believe that he doesn’t know how to care for anyone but himself, that he’s hot-tempered, and that he’s hard to get along with. But sometimes, that isn’t the case. He can be so extremely considerate at times towards the ones he cares for.

He may have a special personality, but that’s what God chose for him. God made him beautiful the way he was, and I’m ever so grateful that God put him into my life. I think I’ve said this before, but I’m thankful that God put all of my housemates—especially Kibum—into my life as well. I love them all, even if their actions hurt me a slight bit. I am so blessed to have the life that I have. I just hope that Kibum can come to like me again.

Well, I have to depart with you for tonight, Journal. I need to call Heechul back, because he just called me…and if I don’t respond soon, he’ll try to delete me from his life, and that can’t happen at the moment. Also, I have to go on set for the rest of the time here really soon. It was fun talking to you. I think my heart feels a bit lighter now that I was able to write everything down. I need to remember that this actually helps when I feel so suffocated. Take care, Journal. I will write soon, I promise!

~Trying to Get Through This~