I'm sorry for not updating my chaptered fics. I've been off lately. Anyway here's another yunjae one shot. Jae's POV btw.~

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Can you forgive me?

Tonight was no different. The wind that gusted was mercilessly cold. I let my tears blur my vision as I walked along the pavement of my favorite part of the city. Our favorite part of the city. The lights were all neon, the smell of alcohol almost intoxicating. The sight of happy couples everywhere only added to the heaviness of my heart.

Things aren’t the same anymore. I felt lonely, desolated, alone. I felt so empty. This wasn’t supposed to hurt. We knew what we were doing, we went for what we thought was right at that moment and there weren’t suppsed to be any regrets. But it hurts so much. My life feels so ed up and i can’t help but blame myself for all this .

I’m sorry.

I was so contented living with the comforts of being an idol and having my members with me all the time that I didn’t realize that we were growing up and things were a lot more complicated than they used to be.

I see you smiling, I see all of us smiling. Was I willing to risk all this? Was I willing to risk your happiness? Was I really going to let you guys down by going after what I think is right? Now I’m confused, cause i can’t seem to put my finger into how and why we ended up this way. Did i overthink the entire situation? Either that or i was too busy thinking about was was going to happen that i lost track of what was already there.

I should’ve known.

I taked to you that night. It's all going so wrong and you had no idea. We agreed to leave together, all five of us. But when the time finally came for us to walk away, I can’t remeber what really happened, all i knew is that when I stepped out of our dorm I only had Yoochun and Junsu beside me. The memory of that fateful day was so blurry. Yunho, I could only remember tasting your tears as you kissed me for the last time and my hand tracing every inch of your face. And there were two bottles of soju... Oh. Right. I was drunk. Drunk of alcohol, of confusion, of anger and of pain

I love you.

It’s 2 in the morning and I’m back in our dorm. Yoochun was in front of the computer, his face flushed, his eyes red and swollen, the entire space smelled of alcohol and cigarette remains littered the floor. Junsu was curled up on a chair beside him with tears still rolling down his cheek. I felt my heart sink.

This is one of the many reasons why I hate myself for dragging them into this whole damn lawsuit. Others see them as matured, grown men, living their dreams and at the same time making a living by putting smiles on other’s faces. They see these two as strong individuals who know what they’re doing. But to me, i see my dongsaengs. Both still so innocent and sensitive. And i feel like I’m breaking them. Rather, i already broke them. They didn't deserve this pain.

 

“Because in that place where five once stood, were the two of us. There was so much pressure to fill those empty spaces.”  Changmin, I don’t even know what to do. You’re so young and I can only imagine how hard it’s been. They all think you’re the strongest one among us, you say it yourself. But i don’t buy it. Min, you’ll always be our maknae and you need us most. You needed me, but I left you hanging. You’re still so vulnerable and I can’t help it that i care for you so much. Walking away on you was a mistake, I'm sorry.

“I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.” I’d recognize that voice anywhere. I could memorize every tone and hitch in a heartbeat but never get tired of hearing it. Yunho. It hurts and it’s all my fault. You held on to my broken promises with your whole broken heart and i can’t tell you how sorry I am. I love you Yun. I love you and I'm sorry. For everything.

I’ll be here.

I stood there, frozen, tears running down my face. I willed myself to move but I couldn’t. Junsu saw me and realized that I was also watching. He pulled me into his arms and sobbed while mumbling incoherent words. This time I was able to wrap one arm around his shoulder and place one hand on Yoochun’s. At this moment, I didn't bother to hush them or tell them that everything is alright. Cause we'd all know that nothing's alright.

“Hyung. I thought they were forgetting. I thought. How could I? I-I didn't,” He talked as if he was blaming himself for all this. He was choking at his own words and I had to let go of Junsu to wrap my arms around my soulmate. He didn't do anything wrong. I did this, why should he be of blame? “We promised not to forget, Chun. You know them all too well. They’ll keep those promises.” Fresh tears started to fall from my own eyes as I realized what I said. I expect them to keep their promise, when I broke mine.

I let them settle themselves into my arms as I whispered words of love and comfort. This is all I can do. To tell them that I’ll be here fo them cause I can never assure them that things will be okay. Cause I’m not sure so myself.

We break promises, memories break us. No matter how painful it is for us when we remember how things used to be, our memories of them are the only things we have left.

Yunho.

That beautiful smile that always brightens up my day. Those eyes that are so reassuring and comforting and understanding. Your voice that sends me haywire but still keeps me centered. Your lips that settle into mine like they were two puzzle pieces. I have all those etched in my full yet ripped heart.

You always knew what to say and when to say them. You loved me at my best and loved me harder at my worst. The way your arms wrapped around me, the way I fit perfectly in them, it’s all so vivid. But you can’t wrap your arms around a memory, can you?

You memorized who I am. All my mistakes and flaws but you accepted my whole being, yet I left you. I would always hate myself for that. But you never had the heart to hate me. After all his time, I catch myself thinking, did I ever deserve you. Heck, yeah, I did. But now, i don't know if I can say that I do.

Regrets. Before we know it, we already have so many that it’s eating us up. Sometimes all that’s left for you to do is end up with the right ones. Second chances aren’t always given and I’ve learned to face the fact that I have to fight my way through all the in the world to get my second chance. I don’t need it to be given to me, I’ll earn it.

Someday, when all the commotion has died and we’ve had our shares of tears and what not, maybe we’ll be okay again. But for now I’ll stay here, with two of the five gods, while you stay there with the youngest one. I may not be strong enough to protect them, but I trust that we’ll make it, when did we not? Yunho, you’re the bravest man I ever knew, Changmin has grown well, you both can handle yourselves. While we reach for our dreams in separate paths, I’ll watch over you from afar hoping you won’t give up on me.

While the world is still watching and our hearts are still breaking, we’ll just wait. We love each other. I love you, you love me, what else is there?  

I won’t ask you to forgive me. We’ll meet again someday, love. Then I’ll apologize properly. Then I’ll pull you close and never let you go. Then I’ll feel your heart beat in sync with mine the way it always had.

Then i’ll love you all over again.



Not that I ever stopped. 


♥


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It's weird, yeah, i know. :( But I still want to know what you think about it. Comments? thanks. with love. ♥iel