-07-

“What are you doing?!”

I rushed over to Ji Sun and pushed her away with such ferocity, she nearly stumbled and tripped. Knocking over the bottle of water she had brought along with her, I threw more matches on the dying fire and I knew then that I had probably lost a little of my sanity. But I couldn’t help myself: I was enraged and I was determined to erase him. I was determined to burn him out of my memory and out of my system even if my life depended on it. I watched the dancing flames rise again and the uncomfortable smell of burning paper reached my nostrils but I did not move an inch as I watched my face, his face, burn in the flames. I had a maddening thrill then but a flow of tears escaped my eyes.

I was done with him. I was burning him and it hurt like crazy but all reasonable judgement was torn from me; I had, within seconds of arriving home after a daunting lecture which I had barely paid attention to on that Monday morning, became a person that was simply mad. I was tired of waiting and chasing and hoping but all boundaries were crossed when I was publicly humiliated in front of his friends as though I never existed. I never felt lower before and he knew exactly how to get to me, bringing me in this state. I turned selfish then, and blamed only him. He was the one to blame. He was the crazy one and I did not want to hear anything more about him.

Ji Sun, who had regained her balance, lunged to extinguish the fire before the alarms would go off and we had ended up in a mess, pushing each other away roughly. I was shouting at her and she was shouting at me; she squeezed my wrists and I pulled her away, snatching myself away from her tight, bruising grasp and amongst the madness, I heard hurtful words being thrown left and right- I could not figure out who was shouting them, whether it was me or her, but we were both hurting and I was dragging her in my dysfunctional universe that even I struggled coping with. Who would survive in my world anyway?

“Get off me!”

“Stop it! You stop it right this instant, Oh Min Ji.”

“No! I said get off me! You have no right to do this! It’s my life, it’s—“

I don’t know when or how it happened but my head was suddenly turned sideways and my cheek stung, my eyes watering even further in the process. I turned my head back slowly and locked eyes with Ji Sun who was just as shocked (or appalled even) as her eyes were wide and the hand that slapped me was stretched out in front of her as though she could not believe her actions. She bit down on her lower lip- hard- and clenched her fingers in a tight fist which she brought up to her eyes and rubbed her knuckles over the tear stained cheeks.

“I—“ she began, her voice croaky, “I won’t—You can’t be like this. Not...not because of a guy. I won’t let you. I won’t allow it—“

“Ji Sun—“

“Don’t,” she muttered, her voice icier now. “Don’t talk to me. Don’t even attempt it. Not until you get yourself together again.”

Ji Sun turned her back to me, shoving all the ashes and the half burnt photographs in a plastic bag before she disappeared out of the room. I wasn’t exactly sure where she went- whether it was our room or the toilet or out of the apartment- but no further noise could be heard. I almost wanted to turn back and look for her- almost- but we were both angry at ourselves and with each other.

Slipping my arms in the sleeves of the trench coat, I pulled on my sneakers and wrapped a scarf around my neck before venturing outside. It was still fairly early that day but the sky was a murky gray colour that was anything but pleasant; occasionally, the clouds would be shaken and raindrops were falling rather slowly towards the ground and I disliked it. I did not care if I was about to be caught in an October rain; I did not even care I had an advertising article due in just a few hours to promote the Halloween Party for the campus resident students. I could not care less and it worried me because I did not bother occupying my time- again.

I had arrived at a small bookstore just a street away from the student residence. Naturally, it was highly overpriced to make most of us even tighter on budget than we already were but I took the liberty on that day (maybe out of anger and frustration) to search for a book that did not necessarily involve studying. As on most occasions, whenever I would let my temper slip, I would blindly spend then go to sleep contently before waking up raging at myself for wasting money carelessly. After grabbing a cup of steaming hot coffee from the small cafe on the second floor of the bookshop, I began browsing the shelves. I looked through philosophy books, through psychology books but strictly avoid romance- romance? Remind me what that was again.

The clicking of heels along the laminated pathway between shelves irritated me and, out of pure on-the-spot bravery, I looked up to glare at the person only to see none other than Victoria Song browse through the Chinese History rows. Rather stupidly, I tried escaping into the nearby European History aisle but her fast eyes caught sight of me and I cringed inwardly. She raised enquiring eyebrows at me before putting back a rather thick hardcover and crossed her arms whilst making her way towards me.

“How is it that you’re not buzzing around Jong Hyun?” was the first thing she said to me and heavens, did I feel bitter...

“I do not buzz around him,” I mumbled icily. “We’re just friends.”

“With benefits?” she tested.

I turned my back to her and gripped hard at the book in my hand. “If you’re not going to say something nice, then don’t say anything to me,” I found myself mumbling.

Victoria had no trouble following me, however. “What was that? I didn’t quite catch that.”

“Nothing,” I sighed and busied myself with reading the titles of some books, trying to block the Queen Bee as much as possible. “I don’t want to waste your time so it’s best I leave first.”

“Oh, you are wasting my time but don’t worry, it so happens today I have plenty to kill.” I saw her tap her chin softly as she, too, looked at the books but with barely any real interest. “Let’s grab some coffee.”

I blinked and stopped. Did she really just--? No way. “I have coffee already,” I pointed out raising my now half full takeaway cup.

“I don’t so let’s go. I won’t be saying that a third time, Oh Min Ji, hurry up.”

I don’t know why I followed Victoria but I did. I walked a few steps behind her, watching her back every now and then; her silky brown hair fell down her back graciously whilst her labelled clothing clung to her thin, tall frame perfectly and maybe I disliked Victoria because she had a lot of things I was lacking in, flexibility and instant attraction included. At the very back of my mind, I really hoped she would one day trip on those monster high heels- I did need some entertainment in my life, after all.

We sat at a table not far from the window and I fiddled with the croissant she insisted on buying for me also. If anything, I did not want to be liable to her in any shape or form but I was hungry and my stomach was not cooperating so I began tearing small bits of it, hoping I’d look just as gracious as Victoria did but gave up halfway, anyway: who cared? I straightened my back, glancing outside the large window as people rushed by with umbrellas in the midst of a torrential rain and I frowned a little, half wishing I was soaking wet rather than sitting across from the person that disliked me strongly for no apparent reason.

Victoria dabbed at the corners of with a tissue. “What brings you here, Oh Min Ji?”

What brings you here? “I don’t know,” I shrugged, “looking for something to read, I suppose? What else could I be doing in a bookshop?”

Victoria arched her perfectly shaped eyebrow at me again. “What’s with the iciness?”

“What’s with your animosity towards me?”

I did not intend to come by as rudely as I heard my tone of voice slip past my lips but I was tired of Victoria’s subtle humiliation towards me in public and I had every right to know what was the source of it. I wanted anything but to start causing trouble because I was already weighed down by essays due in and work to complete and money to roll into my bank account to sustain myself; I could not afford to pick random fights with anyone whatsoever.

But if Victoria seemed offended or angered, she did not show it. Her eyes were blank, her lips plump and glossy. She shrugged, placing the large mug of coffee on the table and leaned back in her seat, arms and legs crossed.

“I don’t hate you. I just can’t stand you.”

As if I didn’t know that. “Why?” I was bitter.

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, “I suppose I can’t stand you because you’re you.”

It was my turn to arch an eyebrow and I my earlier frustration returned. “Well, once you officially debut, you’re going to have to sing songs about how people should just be themselves because they’re perfect that way. I suppose that’s one thing you’ll find hard to do.” I almost wanted to bang my head against the table for being so insolent but it just wasn’t fair.

Victoria’s mouth dropped open a little. “Someone’s had a rough day. What? Didn’t Jong Hyun pay you enough attention? Or is the coat from a brand that is too cheap for your apparently too expensive taste?”

I pulled up from the table then, enraged and not wanting to hear any further. It took every ounce of self control to not reach out and slap her but I had the decency to begin making my way out of the cafe. That was until Victoria grabbed my attention again.

“How is it that you, Oh Min Ji, of all people manage to grab the attention so easily?”

I turned around. “Excuse me?”

Victoria toyed with the charms hanging from her cell phone. “Kim Jong Hyun.... Wu Yi Fan... How?”

I nearly choked on nothing but air. “I— Uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You will if you come sit down. Don’t make a scene in public, Oh Min Ji, we wouldn’t want that now, would we?”

My knees wobbled as I made my way back to sit down and the frustration morphed into anxiousness. I did not want to talk about Kris but I could not keep myself away from it either. In a split second, I slightly regretted burning most of the things that were related to him. First loves hurt, but they were worth the memories in the long term....right?

Again, Victoria did not smile nor frown or anything of the sort. She simply sat still, shoulders relaxed and back perfectly straight against the backrest of the wooden seat. Only a few people were present in the cafe and the noise level was completely minimal- in fact, we were the only people talking.

“I think you underestimate me, Oh Min Ji. I get that feeling often whenever we happen to be around each other, is that true?” I did not respond- was this going to be about her again? “Well, you’re wrong in that case. Partly. You are underestimating me and overestimating me.”

“I don’t understand,” I claimed bluntly and I truly did not. “How does this even relate to Kim Jong Hyun?”

“And Wu Yi Fan.”

“I don’t see a link,” I continued, trying my best to ignore the addition.

Victoria took a long, slow sip from her mug of coffee; again, she dabbed at with the tissue before leaning back in her previous comfortable position. “I know Wu Yi Fan and I know Kim Jong Hyun and I know you—“ genius “—and it’s fascinating, watching you here swinging back and forth between being slightly insolent to terrified. It amuses me and mind you, I don’t often take pleasure in people being unsure of how to behave. You’re so normal, Oh Min Ji, but you buzz around Jong Hyun—“

“I don’t buzz around Jong Hyun!”

“—and completely messed Wu Yi Fan over.”

“W-What?!”

A smirk of some sort played at Victoria’s lips. “I know about you and Kris, Min Ji, I know everything. I know about your quiet adoration for the godlike Kris during high school, I know how he was your muse for all these poems—“

“Shut up—“

“I know how he courted you and how he began loving you—“

“Victoria—“

“I know the two of you went out and I know how heartbroken you were when he left—“

“Be quiet!” I gasped, slightly out of breath and no longer caring if anyone was looking at us. A million questions rose in my head but I could not find the voice to word them all out. “How—No. It’s—Whatever you heard, it’s not true.”

Victoria smirked fully now. “So it’s not true if I heard it from Kris himself? I’m sure that out of all the people on his contact list, he did not just randomly mentioned you. He’s not like that, trust me; I know.”

I blinked repeatedly, unaware of how to properly respond to everything I was hearing. “How did you...”

“Find out?” Victoria shrugged, looked around for the first time since we had arrived in the cafe before looking back at me. “Kris once cared for me too. Kris once held me like he told me he held you too and talked with me just like he used to with you. He grew attached to me like he had with you—“

“He’s not attached,” I muttered through gritted teeth as the almost impossible realization was dawning upon me.

“He never really thought I was fragile, though,” Victoria continued as though she did not hear my statement. “I guess it’s because I was- and still am- quite flexible so I never came across as someone that needed protection. Instead, I felt like I needed to protect him. Not because so many girls wanted him but because Kris had a fragile soul. He was always too kind, too quiet, too generous despite having a strong personality...” She smiled to herself a small smile and I began feeling uncomfortable hearing her personal thoughts. “I only realized how much I loved Kris when I noticed that he did not fit me like a puzzle piece. We were never meant to be, I suppose, but I loved him. He never really did love me, even if he said he did; Kris was just attached because I cared for him... And then I left.”

I swallowed. “Why—You should of waited for him...in that case.”

Victoria’s eyes focused back on me. “I told you we were never really meant to be. I told him I’d leave to Europe to enter a prestigious college. It wasn’t the case; I just left to leave Kris to find someone that would be his and his only.” Her eyes searched mine and they were much softer now. “You came along. He didn’t feel a spark, he told me so, but you were intriguing because you reminded himself of how he would silently like me from afar, hoping I would notice him one day. We got in contact then, a little before he was to debut whilst I was still a trainee abroad. He told me he liked someone but he didn’t know how to break it to you that he would leave to become an idol sooner or later. His notice of his debut came quicker than expected...”

I didn’t want to hear it. I did not want to know how Kris was speaking of me to Victoria or how in love he was with me. I did not want to hear any of it because I failed to believe it.

“That’s a lie then,” I replied as casually as possible.

Her eyes turned sharp again. “It’s a lie when someone suffers for you? Wow, you truly are selfish, Oh Min Ji.”

I clenched my jaw. “If it wasn’t a lie, he wouldn’t say hurtful things or act like I do not exist or was not part of his life. Kris is lying, whatever he’s been telling you. You love Kris? The way’s free to him, I won’t disturb. Look, Victoria, I don’t mean to sound rude but I want to go now and—“

“I expected you to be smarter, everyone has been praising how smart you are that I was dying to know for myself but you really aren’t. Did you know it’s dangerous to ignore your subconscious, regarding how small of a voice it may have?” Victoria chuckled humourlessly. “You want Kris. You still love him and—“

“I do not—“

“Then what? You love Jong Hyun, don’t you?”

“I do not. But if you do, I really hope you’d treat him better than your current personality with me—“

“Jong Hyun is a close friend of mine. I do not like him. I’m too busy focusing on my future career—“

“And I’m too busy surviving through university. I really want to go now, Victoria—“

“Do you think that by trying to ignoring your entire heart and mind, you will succeed? You won’t. You won’t because you love Kris—“

“Shut up—“

“I won’t! You need to realize how utterly selfish you are as well as unable to appreciate people’s care for you. And I can’t stand you because of that. I can’t stand how hurt Kris is yet you seem to replace him with Jong Hyun as if he was nothing,” Victoria hissed but not fully angered; if anything, her tone expressed hurt. “Is this what Kris is to you? Someone you can ignore and replace any second? Is this the sort of person Kris fell in love him?”

I felt tears sting my eyes but I rubbed at them furiously. “I don’t care what you think or what words you throw at me—“

“You’re ungrateful, Min Ji, realize that already. Realize it and stop playing with people’s feelings. You can’t have Jong Hyun and Kris. But choosing one and ignoring the other as if he were trash...that’s low—“

I slapped my hand on the table and pulled up quickly from my seat, eyes narrowed in a glare at Victoria who was doing nothing but pouring salt on a heavily scarred wound. “You don’t know me so don’t talk like you do. No one ever asked you to keep track of my behaviour patterns or the people I talk to or how I am—“

“Kris did. Why do you think I bothered visiting so often?” she spat, this time, angrily. “Do you think I liked taking time of my practice and invent reasons to see Jong Hyun just so I can see how you’re doing? I did it for Kris. I did it because Kris asked me to keep an eye out on you. Because he loved you and you did not even bother asking if he was fine. You did not bother supporting his dream from the beginning—“

“Yes, I am the selfish one, aren’t I? I’m the one that doesn’t hurt no matter how many punches you throw at me. I’m the one that will be standing perfectly straight at the end of it with a big grin on. Well, you know what, Victoria? News flash: I hurt too!” I laughed dryly. “Amazing isn’t it? Oh Min Ji hurts too! Absolutely fascinating. Tell Kris I didn’t need any of it. I’m old enough to look after myself. Thank you for wasting your time to spy on me but no thank you.”

And with that, I stormed out of the cafe, dropping the unpaid book on a nearby shelf and headed off to the university. I tried not thinking about it but my mind was flooded. I tried singing a song. I tried scrutinizing the things people were wearing. I tried reminding myself that whatever it took, I could make it through regardless.

I tried reminding myself that I was hurting too, because I was. I tried reminding myself that I was not completely selfish, because I was not. I tried reminding myself that to Kris, I was like another stranger on the street and he was a closed chapter in my life. I tried... I tried... I tried. And I prayed to God that I did not fail.

Outside the front gate of my university, a black Mercedes stood idle, waiting.

A/N: Thank you so much for the comments! ;~; Constant drama is almost inevitable in this story, so it seems. 8D