18/05/2012

     Dear diary,

     It’s always him, isn’t it? My stupid heart can’t let him go, let the fact that Kim Myungsoo is gone from my life. Why can’t I just move on? Just when I feel as if I can finally move forward, everything has to come back and haunt me all over again. I can’t let go of the person who is dragging me down into this void. It’s so hard, and no matter how hard I try; it’s useless. All my efforts are always wasted. Every, single, time.

     Last night, I had another dream about him. I went to sleep with him on my mind; his face, his smile, his laugh. I know I shouldn’t think of him, I should let him go; forget about him. But I can’t. How can I forget him when he’s given me so much to remember? How am I supposed to let go when he’s everything I want to hold on to?

     It was as if we never drifted. Nothing ever happened between us. No fights, no arguments, no cold wars. Just the old us. We teased each other, we ridiculed each other, we laughed at each other and we made fun of each other. There was no discomfort, no awkward silences. We cracked so many jokes, laughed together at so many things. The laughter still rings in my ears, taunting me. Mocking me.

     In my dream, I felt calm, protected. I was wrapped in his arms, as he held me tightly, rocking me back and forth slightly. He murmured soft, incoherent words in my ear, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t need them; just being in his arms was enough.  When he kissed my forehead, fireworks just exploded inside me, sparks tingled up and down my body. My world was alight and I was blind to everything but him. When he held my hand, entwined his fingers with mine, my heart rocketed, pounding so, so fast. For that night, he was everything I ever wanted. For that couple of hours in which I fell asleep, I was in paradise.

     True love, was that what my dream was of? True love with someone whom I have the slightest chance with. Someone of the past. Right now, I guess we’re just friends, acquaintances even. Could I even go to the extent of saying that we’re strangers? I don’t know anymore. We’re so distant, so far away from each other. Yet in that dream, we had so much. We had something special. Why, why does it have to be had? Why does it have to be him? Kim Myungsoo? Why?

     But in the end, it’s a dream. I can dream and fantasise as much as I like about him—but the result is always the same. Harsh reality slapping me in the face, jolting me back into the real world. Happiness with him is futile.  No chance. Nothing whatsoever.

     Why can’t I stop thinking about him, no matter how hard I try? Dammit, Myungsoo. Why must you be so ing hard to remember?

I hate him. I hate him. I always tell myself this, but I could never admit it. No matter how much ice I try to put in my heart, no matter how many times I try to reject the thoughts about him; I know a part of me still loves him, still cares for him.

Why does love have to be so complicated? 

——

     A:N//
     This chappie is actually mostly fact, not all fiction. \blushes slightly\ Yes, I have awkward dreams. Lala, I’m going to post this both on my writing-tumblr and also my AFF account !
• @her-unsung-wavering-melodies
• MeowmeowMyungsoo; AFF account

     This fanfiction is going to be partly based on my real feelings and just going to be fragments of my life-story. Maybe. Haha, but I hope you enjoy~ xo