∞ Waking up just brings me down.

Now I'm lying in bed, staring at the plain white ceiling, contemplating whether or not to get out of bed. Naeun... Pull yourself together, girl. I tell myself in a vain attempt to get up and maybe give myself a chance to think different thoughts to the ones that I'm currently drowning in. I haven't slept a wink all night so it would probably be a good idea to shut my eyes for a while instead, but I just can't seem to do that either. Maybe it's because of that phone call I received four hours ago – at 3:00AM – from the man I had lived with for 6 months. He had been part of my new identity; he was my husband, Kim Myungsoo.

It wasn't real, of course, and we were both in on the pretence; he knew everything about what I was going through – even the whole reason why I had to live a fake life for half a year. We tried so hard to pretend to be in love, that after a while, I couldn't even tell if we were still pretending or not.

I often heard from people who knew him before I did, that he used to be a player. I got a lot of unnecessary praise for ‘managing to tie him down’. I found it unbelievable though. Sure, he was super handsome, and got along with the girls, but he didn’t seem like the player type. Especially from the way he acted toward me. He seemed sincere.

More than once, I woke up feeling warm and comfortable even on a cold winter morning.

He lied beside me, softly breathing warm air on my neck; his left arm gently draped over my stomach.

That was Myungsoo’s best friend who lived with us.

He was also the reason I always woke up to the harsh truth that Myungsoo and I were just acting.

This wasn’t for real – it was just a pretence.

The phone call I had received from Myungsoo a couple of hours ago... It's still fresh on my mind and I remember every word of it.

It hurts to think about him.

It hurts a lot.

After that, I hung up just like that.

Because I couldn’t take it anymore.

I missed them all so much. I miss all 7 of them, those playful guys and the loving Myungsoo.

‘I love you, Naeun.’ he had said during the phone call, but was that real though? The guys were with him, right? So maybe he was just ringing me to make them think he misses me and wants me back. That I was the who suddenly decided to leave the poor guy without a real reason.

Why else was he still going on with the pretence anyway?

It has already been one hundred days since it ended...

Yes. I’ve been counting days, subconsciously or otherwise.

I wish I could just lose track of counting the days and months, just like I did when I was still with him.

That was when it hit me. The disappointment. It should have been exitement instead, but it hurt when I realised the real reason he was celebrating this so-called ‘monthsary’ – and also why this was the only one we celebrated after 5 months together – was that there was just one month left until we were free to go back to our everyday lives.

I began to slightly resent him for that.

I turn on the hot water tap in my bathroom to brush my teeth and wash up. There's no point staying in bed for the whole day. I don’t know how I’ve managed to live on just a few hours of sleep every night. I’ve been told I look pretty awful and sick these days.

My phone is ringing again in the bedroom but I ignore it. In the past hour I’ve gotten more than 10 calls, all from the 6 boys Myungsoo had inroduced to me as his best friends, and who I'd also gotten pretty close to since I ‘married’ him. I didn’t answer any of them, knowing I’d either break down crying or agree to meet them or something.

Why haven’t I just changed my phone number? It has been more than 3 months...

And why are they bothering me so much today of all days?

I spit out the toothpaste and rinse my mouth. Then I grab my phone from the bed before going downstairs to make myself some breakfast. As I take out a plate from the kitchen cupboard, my hand suddenly becomes numb and the plate slips out of my hand. .

The piercing noise of the plate breaking makes my head hurt.

It also reminds me of the first few months with Myungsoo, when the thoughts of someone suddenly shooting me dead out of nowhere tormented me regularly.

Instantly, it made me feel so safe; his eyes were so determined and honest. He knew exactly what he was talking about and now that I know the whole story too, it makes sense why he sounded so sure that time.

Because it was him all along.

To be played like this by not only my father but also the man I had fallen in love with? It was too cruel. 

Still a little startled by the crash of the plate, I sigh and wrap my own arms around myself, imagining for some reason that it's Myungsoo again, coming to my resque.

“I don’t even know how to live without you anymore.” I whisper before I hear my phone ring again.

This time it’s a message, not a call.

“What?” I stare at the message thoughtfully. It’s like he knew I was thinking about that just now.

I contemplate about replying for a second, but my thoughts are interrupted when I receive another message.

Suddenly I can't help but smile at this message. He’s making fun of my pessimism.

Then I dropped the smile and shook my head. 

My father told me he made a deal with a dangerous woman from his past; the woman he was supposed to marry back in the day, but couldn't because he accidentally got someone else pregnant and had me. Now, this woman wanted me to marry his son, which would at least connect her and my father in a way, and when my father refused this proposal, she proposed a new deal, which will probably scar me for life.

This is the story my father told me. It's just a story. A lie. An excuse to organize a ‘fake husband’ for me, claiming that it will prevent that woman's son from finding me to either try and court me – or kill me if I refused.

What he didn't tell me was that no one would come to kill me, because that someone would be the man I pretended to marry all along and he had no plans of doing that to me. He's Kim Myungsoo, the sweetest guy I've met in my whole life.

With these supposed ‘best wishes’ for my future, my father cruelly threw me into a life that could have happened so much more smoothly for me. It could have easily been so much more natural. Because he's Kim Myungsoo, and I'm sure I would have fallen for him under a different circumstance too. 

But what's done is done. It's too late to make things better. 

I can never forgive my father.

And Kim Myungsoo who knew the whole story all along, while knowing I was already falling for him after the first two months... I don't think I can ever forgive him either. It was just too cruel. I'm scarred.