02: I’ll Give You What You Don’t Have

Yuri doesn’t have high expectations, but when she arrives home, all tired and hungry, she expects rice on the table. And probably some side dishes too, at least. Well, let’s say that our little hero is disappointed as she finds her home dark and empty, the windows shut and the curtains drawn. At this time of the evening, Yuri knows exactly where her mother has gone to. Her father’s away at work and her mother goes out to gamble with the neighbourhood ahjummas. She doesn’t bother shaking her head, having done so countless times before. At times, Yuri wonders if family exists as a simple cheerleading group to push Yuri on. From what she has been seeing, Yuri definitely thinks so, even if she doesn’t have it. Like Fany’s mom, for example. Yuri knows not much of the deceased woman, but she is sure Mrs. Hwang must have been a beautiful and more of a mother than hers has ever been. For Tiffany to adore and think of her that way, it must be nice to have things feel worthwhile.

 They tell her to be thankful she still has both of her parents. So why does her heart feel otherwise?

She flicks the switch and light chases away the darkness of her empty home. That’s strange. Yuri has never recalled home ever feeling this cold before. One’s home is no one else’s. But she rather gives it away. Homes are never made to be empty and yet little Yuri faces the smooth marble of the corridor and not her father’s welcoming face. No point staying.

Yuri switches the light off, standing there as the darkness returns for a while longer. She stumbles out into the street and her small feet begin to run. She sees a light in the distance and the faint chattering and laughter of a family. It seems more of a reunion to Yuri, who has rarely ever heard the laughter of her own. She stands underneath the windowsill, her fingertips pressed against the rough wall. She feels her jaw ache at the alluring scent. Watering isn’t really a word she can call it if her saliva feels like it’s a waterfall crashing down onto the ground beneath.

“Sica!” she whispers hoarsely, hoping the girl will listen to her.

The chattering grew a little louder.

“Sica!”

A head pokes out of the window. God bless Jessica for having sharp ears. Jessica stares down at Yuri, her eyes alive and dancing. How can she not?

“Oh, Kwon Yul!” she smiles. “What are you doing out here?”

Yuri fidgets at her feet.

“SooYeon-ah, is that Yuri? Call her in for dinner!” Yuri can suddenly hear the trumpets blaring and the confetti falling to the ground, swirling and twirling.

In other words, she hears Mrs. Jung call out from inside. Her feet doesn’t feel as sore now and her hunger, nowhere abated, seems much more tolerable now. Sica smiles and rushes to the door, but Yuri is faster. Her hand is on the doorknob as Jessica pulls it open for her.

“Yuri-ah, come join us for dinner,” Mr. Jung is at the head of the table, Krystal by her side, staring blankly out the window.

Yuri nods and bows her thanks, joining the Jungs at the table. She listens carefully to Mr. Jung’s advice and Mrs. Jung’s motherly banter, smiling to herself. She feels rather bashful, not in the appropriate attire for a dinner, but Krystal makes it seem natural, dressed not-so-appropriately either. She accepts the food given to her gracefully, gratitude and satisfaction allowing her to ease into the wooden chair without regret. Maybe just one.

She finishes her dinner and decides to stay around for a bit, helping Mrs. Jung with the dishes to express her gratitude. Jessica lingers around here and there, but when her mother calls her to help, she rushes off with a yawn stifled into the back of her hand. Whatever it is, she always returns a few minutes later, restless but not exactly dying to help out either.

“SooYeon is too edgy nowadays. I think it’s the season,” Mrs. Jung chuckles, rinsing the soapy plate as Yuri slathers lemon soap on the others.

“Spring?” Yuri answers absent-mindedly.

Mrs. Jung nods. “She’s always thinking of something, but that girl never seems to do what she really wants to do. It happens every spring. Almost like clockwork.”

Yuri wonders if her mother ever says such things about her. Or if her father mentions her to his workmates during break times. Maybe not. She doubts it. What are the chances of sharing of your daughter’s behaviour or well-being when you are dealing with cards? Not likely.

“How is Tiffany? I haven’t seen her in some time,” her mother continues.

“She’s doing fine. We just played with her earlier and she seems to enjoy spring a lot.”

Mrs. Jung nods, smiling. “Of course. Spring is a new start, an everlasting innocence.”

Yuri puts down the last of the dishes and looks up at the weathered woman, her fingers dabbing at the dishcloth by the sink. ‘Everlasting innocence’? That sounds like an extract from a book Yuri has read before. As she recalls, it was from Jessica’s impressive array of books. What is so ‘everlasting’ when spring changes into summer and autumn into winter? Mrs. Jung sighs happily as her hips begin to sway at some song playing on the radio. She hums a lively tune and fragments of lyrics escape her lips. Yuri decides to escape before it turns into anything Yuri intends to avoid. She mumbles her thanks, bows once more and is by the door.

Finally, the restless seems to have found something to do. Jessica’s hands closes around Yuri’s as she stops the girl from leaving. This is something Yuri is familiar with. Again and again, her memories return, filling the half-filled moment on the spot. Even if dinner has just happened last week, or the week before, all those dinners appears to fold into one. Yuri is content now.

“Yuri, are you leaving already?” Jessica asks, though the answer seems obvious.

Yuri nods, her lips curving into a wide grin Jessica has grown used to. “I have candies waiting for me at home.”

At this, Jessica’s smile disappears into a disapproving frown and she smacks Yuri’s hand. “Always with the candy. Get some real food, would you?”

“Candy is real food! What else would it be?” Yuri protests.

“Go home and go bathe. You stink worse than Park ahjusshi’s dog.”

Yuri waves her hand dismissively at her friend. “I’m guessing you’ve smelt his poop before?”

Jessica’s nose crinkles and she makes a face, apparently one of disgust. She hits Yuri again, this time at the girl’s head. Yuri yelps, one more out of helplessness rather than of surprise. Yuri doesn’t take chances and is out the door before Jessica is able to throw any more punches at her. She laughs at her small victory and walks along the dimly-lighted path she takes home. Suddenly her victory feels like a victory no more, as she walks home with delayed steps and a mud-stained singlet.

Yuri shall never forget the day Jessica compared her to Park ahjusshi’s dog. And very carefully, like the memories she intends to make with Tiffany and Jessica, she stores it away to cheer her up on a rainy day. Not that it rains regularly during spring.

At least she has a cheering squad for herself.