"Dear Jonghyun,..."
The Things I Never Told You
Well that wasn't a late- update or anything. No, but seriously, though. I'm super sorry for updating really late. I've been busy with school & projects and stuff. I get out of school on June 5th & got so many tests and projects. Blah! I hope you guys like this though. Please do comment. Thank you all so much for subscribing! Love y'all. <3
-Sky
-Sky
Dear Jonghyun,
After reading this letter, you may think of me as a coward. A weak coward for not being able to tell you everything that I ever kept from you. I have so many things to tell you, Jonghyun. So many secrets that were hidden deep inside my heart that I never had the courage to tell you. Think of me as a coward after reading this, but don't think of me as a backstabber. It's not that I didn’t trust you, Jonghyun, because I did, I always have. But everything that I ever kept bottled up was too deep. Too scary to tell you. The amount of how many reactions you could've possibly had to this secret of mine were endless.
So here I am, the cowardly Kim Kibum writing this sorrowful- letter to Kim Jonghyun about what I felt for him. However, I don't intend for this letter to make you, Yoomi, or any other nosy person who reads this to feel guilty that I've left. It's not anybody's fault. It's not your fault, it's not Yoomi's, it's not Onew’s, Taemin’s, nor is it Minho's fault. But it wasn't my fault either. It was simply my own decision.
To be completely honest with you, the first day I met you I knew you'd change my life in an incredibly beautiful way. You were one of those people that we barely ever meet in life who in the end turn out to be the most amazing person in your life. I can’t say that it was love at first sight, because I most definitely did not believe in that at age five. Yet, I knew from the day we became friends that the impact you would make on my life would be big.
Kim Jonghyun, the words to describe simply how incredible you are are nearly impossible to find. You're amazing in so many ways, you're caring, you're nice, you're trustworthy, you're incredibly talented, and most importantly, the best friend I could've ever had. I always envied you, Jjong. Everyone loved you, not just for your good-looks, but for your sweet personality as well. Everyone always complained about how much of a nagger I was, ironically. However, you didn't seem to care about my complaining. You looked right through the bad parts of my personality and only liked me for my good traits.
Truthfully, my childhood wasn't necessarily the best part of my life. Without you, I would've possibly looked at life in a whole different perspective. A perspective that would've most likely lead me to suicide. No matter how many times I looked at life as an ugly piece of , you'd make me look into your eyes and made me promise you to never think of life as that again. So many times I had broken that promise, but all the times I did, you made me promise yet again. And I thank you so much for that, Jonghyun. I really do.
However, I wasn't necessarily the most honest person. I trusted you, Jjong, I honestly did. But everything that I ever got to feel for you was far too terrifying to ever tell you.
I remember the day you came running towards me with a huge grin on your face, telling me about how Yoomi had said yes to being your girlfriend. I smiled at you and acted as if I were oh, so very happy for you and Yoomi. Yet, a feeling of anger and jealousy was taking over me every time I saw you two together and I didn't know what was wrong with me. Just the thought of you being with a girl irked me. Every time I saw her face, the anger inside me grew to the point where I wanted to rip her face off. Every time I saw her holding your hand, I wanted to twist it back and break her arm because it wasn't me holding your hand. I was confused, Jonghyun. As far as I knew, we were only best friends and felt absolutely nothing towards each other romantic wise. But I kept finding myself being jealous. Jealous of her and I didn’t know why.
Every time you walked in the room, I found myself smiling like a fool. Every time I heard you sing, butterflies caused a war inside my stomach. I was in love with you, Jonghyun. I loved you and I hated the fact that you were with someone else who wasn’t me. As the long, ty days went by, I found myself falling harder for you. All the moments that we ever spent together, even if was just having a conversation, I treasured in my heart. Finally, Jjong, finally I understood what it was like to be in love. I understood what every other teenager at that time was feeling. But at the same time, I understood and I lived that painful feeling of not being loved back.
Two years had gone by and you and Yoomi were still going strong.
I came to the point in my life where the pain that I felt had grown so much, that I wanted to stop loving you, Jonghyun. Deep inside, I would always tell myself that you would someday love me back, but those dumb thoughts as well as my heart would shatter every time I saw you and Yoomi together. I needed to stop loving you. Even if I didn’t want to, even if those feelings felt like they grew stronger everyday, I needed to stop loving you before all the pain I felt would kill me, literally.
Days went on, and I started to ignore you. Maybe then, all these feelings would disappear if I didn’t talk to you. Yet, surprisingly, the first person who noticed this was you, Jjong. A part of me was happy, you seemed to care about why I was ignoring you. However, in a way, you made this worse and made those stupid fuzzy feelings return. And I hated you for that. I hated those feelings I ever felt, and I hated the fact that it felt like it would be impossible for me to stop loving you. Yet, I kept ignoring you. I ignored your texts, your calls, I didn’t even make eye contact. As much as it hurt me, I ignored everything that had to do with you. As a result, however, there was a point where the fact that I was ignoring you bothered you more than ever did. You said that I had changed, you called me selfish, arrogant, and came to the extremes of accusing me of being jealous because you were dating Yoomi and I was in love with her, to which I denied several times.
But I wasn’t in love with Yoomi. I was in love with you, Jonghyun, but you didn’t seem to know it. I considered telling you everything I felt for you, how much I loved you. But I was so scared. I was terrified that you’d be disgusted. That you’d reject me, call me a and push me away like the piece of trash I was.
Time passed, and things weren’t as tense between us. Everything--or almost everything--was cleared up, and you came to understand that the person who I was in love with was not Yoomi, yet, I never told you who I was actually in love with. I was still feeling the same things for you, but I acted like I wasn’t hurt. I acted like I was fine, even though inside I was hurting.
Soon enough, I had found out that you were going to propose to Yoomi. You asked me to accompany you to the jewelry store to find an engagement ring. At that moment, my entire world crashed down on me. My heart felt as though it had been stabbed, stepped on, ripped apart. I didn’t know if I could live much longer loving you as much as I did. I didn’t know how I would live without ever getting a chance of hugging you, kissing you. The pain I was going through was unbearable. And I knew I had to do something. Something to overcome these feelings once and for all. So here I am, the coward Kim Kibum telling you everything he ever felt for you, Kim Jonghyun.
Even if I don’t want to leave you, Onew, Minho, or Taemin, I’m doing this because I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want to run away and find myself a new life. I want to start all over again. Start fresh.
I want to forget you, forget the love I ever felt and start all over again. Don’t look for me, Jonghyun. Not you, not Onew, Minho, or Taemin. Don’t bother trying to find me. I just want you to go on with your life and be happy. Marry Yoomi, have children with her, and make her the happiest girl on the planet. Make her feel like she’s the only girl in the world. Don’t worry about me, don’t think about me, don’t talk about me and just live your life as if I wasn’t even part of your life at some point. I wish you and Yoomi the greatest life together ever. Tell the others to be happy and marry someone good. I love you all and wish you the best in life.
Love,
Kim Kibum
After reading this letter, you may think of me as a coward. A weak coward for not being able to tell you everything that I ever kept from you. I have so many things to tell you, Jonghyun. So many secrets that were hidden deep inside my heart that I never had the courage to tell you. Think of me as a coward after reading this, but don't think of me as a backstabber. It's not that I didn’t trust you, Jonghyun, because I did, I always have. But everything that I ever kept bottled up was too deep. Too scary to tell you. The amount of how many reactions you could've possibly had to this secret of mine were endless.
So here I am, the cowardly Kim Kibum writing this sorrowful- letter to Kim Jonghyun about what I felt for him. However, I don't intend for this letter to make you, Yoomi, or any other nosy person who reads this to feel guilty that I've left. It's not anybody's fault. It's not your fault, it's not Yoomi's, it's not Onew’s, Taemin’s, nor is it Minho's fault. But it wasn't my fault either. It was simply my own decision.
To be completely honest with you, the first day I met you I knew you'd change my life in an incredibly beautiful way. You were one of those people that we barely ever meet in life who in the end turn out to be the most amazing person in your life. I can’t say that it was love at first sight, because I most definitely did not believe in that at age five. Yet, I knew from the day we became friends that the impact you would make on my life would be big.
Kim Jonghyun, the words to describe simply how incredible you are are nearly impossible to find. You're amazing in so many ways, you're caring, you're nice, you're trustworthy, you're incredibly talented, and most importantly, the best friend I could've ever had. I always envied you, Jjong. Everyone loved you, not just for your good-looks, but for your sweet personality as well. Everyone always complained about how much of a nagger I was, ironically. However, you didn't seem to care about my complaining. You looked right through the bad parts of my personality and only liked me for my good traits.
Truthfully, my childhood wasn't necessarily the best part of my life. Without you, I would've possibly looked at life in a whole different perspective. A perspective that would've most likely lead me to suicide. No matter how many times I looked at life as an ugly piece of , you'd make me look into your eyes and made me promise you to never think of life as that again. So many times I had broken that promise, but all the times I did, you made me promise yet again. And I thank you so much for that, Jonghyun. I really do.
However, I wasn't necessarily the most honest person. I trusted you, Jjong, I honestly did. But everything that I ever got to feel for you was far too terrifying to ever tell you.
I remember the day you came running towards me with a huge grin on your face, telling me about how Yoomi had said yes to being your girlfriend. I smiled at you and acted as if I were oh, so very happy for you and Yoomi. Yet, a feeling of anger and jealousy was taking over me every time I saw you two together and I didn't know what was wrong with me. Just the thought of you being with a girl irked me. Every time I saw her face, the anger inside me grew to the point where I wanted to rip her face off. Every time I saw her holding your hand, I wanted to twist it back and break her arm because it wasn't me holding your hand. I was confused, Jonghyun. As far as I knew, we were only best friends and felt absolutely nothing towards each other romantic wise. But I kept finding myself being jealous. Jealous of her and I didn’t know why.
Every time you walked in the room, I found myself smiling like a fool. Every time I heard you sing, butterflies caused a war inside my stomach. I was in love with you, Jonghyun. I loved you and I hated the fact that you were with someone else who wasn’t me. As the long, ty days went by, I found myself falling harder for you. All the moments that we ever spent together, even if was just having a conversation, I treasured in my heart. Finally, Jjong, finally I understood what it was like to be in love. I understood what every other teenager at that time was feeling. But at the same time, I understood and I lived that painful feeling of not being loved back.
Two years had gone by and you and Yoomi were still going strong.
I came to the point in my life where the pain that I felt had grown so much, that I wanted to stop loving you, Jonghyun. Deep inside, I would always tell myself that you would someday love me back, but those dumb thoughts as well as my heart would shatter every time I saw you and Yoomi together. I needed to stop loving you. Even if I didn’t want to, even if those feelings felt like they grew stronger everyday, I needed to stop loving you before all the pain I felt would kill me, literally.
Days went on, and I started to ignore you. Maybe then, all these feelings would disappear if I didn’t talk to you. Yet, surprisingly, the first person who noticed this was you, Jjong. A part of me was happy, you seemed to care about why I was ignoring you. However, in a way, you made this worse and made those stupid fuzzy feelings return. And I hated you for that. I hated those feelings I ever felt, and I hated the fact that it felt like it would be impossible for me to stop loving you. Yet, I kept ignoring you. I ignored your texts, your calls, I didn’t even make eye contact. As much as it hurt me, I ignored everything that had to do with you. As a result, however, there was a point where the fact that I was ignoring you bothered you more than ever did. You said that I had changed, you called me selfish, arrogant, and came to the extremes of accusing me of being jealous because you were dating Yoomi and I was in love with her, to which I denied several times.
But I wasn’t in love with Yoomi. I was in love with you, Jonghyun, but you didn’t seem to know it. I considered telling you everything I felt for you, how much I loved you. But I was so scared. I was terrified that you’d be disgusted. That you’d reject me, call me a and push me away like the piece of trash I was.
Time passed, and things weren’t as tense between us. Everything--or almost everything--was cleared up, and you came to understand that the person who I was in love with was not Yoomi, yet, I never told you who I was actually in love with. I was still feeling the same things for you, but I acted like I wasn’t hurt. I acted like I was fine, even though inside I was hurting.
Soon enough, I had found out that you were going to propose to Yoomi. You asked me to accompany you to the jewelry store to find an engagement ring. At that moment, my entire world crashed down on me. My heart felt as though it had been stabbed, stepped on, ripped apart. I didn’t know if I could live much longer loving you as much as I did. I didn’t know how I would live without ever getting a chance of hugging you, kissing you. The pain I was going through was unbearable. And I knew I had to do something. Something to overcome these feelings once and for all. So here I am, the coward Kim Kibum telling you everything he ever felt for you, Kim Jonghyun.
Even if I don’t want to leave you, Onew, Minho, or Taemin, I’m doing this because I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want to run away and find myself a new life. I want to start all over again. Start fresh.
I want to forget you, forget the love I ever felt and start all over again. Don’t look for me, Jonghyun. Not you, not Onew, Minho, or Taemin. Don’t bother trying to find me. I just want you to go on with your life and be happy. Marry Yoomi, have children with her, and make her the happiest girl on the planet. Make her feel like she’s the only girl in the world. Don’t worry about me, don’t think about me, don’t talk about me and just live your life as if I wasn’t even part of your life at some point. I wish you and Yoomi the greatest life together ever. Tell the others to be happy and marry someone good. I love you all and wish you the best in life.
Love,
Kim Kibum
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