Wordcount : 4,000 (for the ones who want to know hehehehehehehehe.)

--

Jonghyun was found on the streets when he was just a little boy by a very dangerous man. The man took him with him and had raised him to become a skilled and emotionless murderer. He told him from the very start that he knew where his parents and sister were, that he knew where they were kept and that if he would disobey him or fail a mission, he would make sure they got hurt.

Jonghyun was never taught what real love felt like, the only thing they learned him from the very beginning was how to suppress his feelings and how to be serious no matter what occasion he was in. They raised him to become a emotionless, rigid, icecold killer who only lived for his boss and for his family. They told him that he was brainwashed, that he used to love his family to death and that he would do anything for them. They drilled him to fight for his family and his boss, to never ever disappoint anybody.

He was okay with the way he was living, after all, he had never known how it felt to live a normal life. He had never seen normal high school boys, he had never known how it felt to have a crush on somebody. Never had he been able to experience happiness or sadness, he was just him. A nobody. A killer. Someone who lived only to finish his boss' dirty jobs. He was nothing but a person, a figure, a shadow.

The only streets he had wandered through were empty and dark where he sneaked through the shadows of the trees while all the other kids of his age were sleeping peacefully in their beds. The beds where he went up to in the middle of the night to slit open the throat of the person lying in it.

He loved the colour of blood that dribbled down his victim's dead body and seeped into the snow white covers after he had stabbed them right through their heart, he loved to be the one to be in charge, to be able to let the other beg for their life.

But then there's a turning point in his life.

Jonghyun is sixteen when he meets Kibum, a sweet, sweet boy with the same age as him. Jonghyun had never seen real beauty in his life before and thinks that maybe, just maybe, he had found it.

He doesn't show it though. He never does, because he has learned how to suppress his feelings and of course he doesn't admit, nor does he think, that he's in love. How the hell is he supposed to ? He had never felt it before.

They end up living together, they share a special bond, a meaningful connection and Kibum loves Jonghyun. But Jonghyun doesn't love Kibum. Right ? That's what he thinks, though. What is love ? He doesn't know. He doesn't really want to know either.

Kibum is aware that Jonghyun kills people but he doesn't care, as long as the older boy doesn't get hurt and as long as he does it in order to keep his family safe, he's okay with it. He can live with it, because he loves Jonghyun and there might be a chance that the feelings are mutual. He doesn't know though, because Jonghyun doesn't show it. And he might as well never do.

Jonghyun comes home late when Kibum's already asleep, his clothes drenched in another person's blood and his hair disheveled from running through the bushes. Kibum learns how to live with it and cleans the other's wounds, washes the evidence off Jonghyun's clothes and fixes his hair.

Jonghyun obeys his boss, he does everything for him and he accomplishes every task the dangerous man gives him in a blink of the eye.

But then the unthinkable happens.

--

"What ?" Jonghyun asked in a dangerous tone, standing in front of the large desk where his boss was sitting at. He looked at him through his brown bangs, trying to hide the anger that flashed through his eyes as he saw the old man sitting in his big chair, a sick grin on his lips as he gave the younger boy in front of him a long, deadly stare.

"You heard me; kill your friend." He repeated slowly, dangerously. His words were hidden with venom and underlaced with pure evil. 

Jonghyun's expression remained stoic as he looked at the man in front of him who was still intently staring at him from behind his glasses.
"I can see everything in your eyes, Jonghyun," The old, groggy voice reached his ears when he averted his eyes to the ground, "I can see what you're thinking, what you're feeling," The man continued in a warning voice as Jonghyun tried to avoid his gaze.

"I can see the hesitance, the anger, the hatred. I'm not supposed to see them, is this boy really changing you ?" He continued in the same dangerous tone. Jonghyun could feel his burning gaze, as if he tried to penetrate his body to put all those emotions he had never expressed to anyone before in a cage and lock them up for good so that he wouldn't get in trouble.

Pity, love, happiness, sadness, jealousy; they were all going to get him in trouble if he didn't suppress them.

He didn't nod his head nor did he shake it as the words left the other's lips, slowly lifting up his head again to meet his boss' dark eyes.

"You know what happens if you don't obey me. Consider this some kind of ... test, I want to know if you really are capable of protecting your family."

And with that he turned around and left, feeling at his pockets to see if his gun was present and closing the door behind him with a loud, echoing bang.

It wasn't that hard. 

He just had to pull a trigger, he just had to aim at his head and pull a trigger. In one second everything would be over and he wouldn't regret a single thing.

...

Right ?

Walking down the streets to where he lived took more than he had expected, his palms were sweating and his heart was beating faster and faster as he began approaching the house. What was this feeling ? 

He kept his serious face on, hands burried deep inside his pockets and brown bangs covering his eyes slightly as he strolled down the road to the house.

Aim.

Pull.

Run.

It couldn't be that hard, could it ? 
He had killed so many innocent people already, he had already taken away so many lives, taking away Kibum's couldn't be that hard. He just had to aim, pull and run for it.

He'd be okay.
It was all going to be okay.

He couldn't quite decipher what he was feeling when his hand reached the door knob, sweaty palm coming in contact with cold metal. 
His heart that wasn't supposed to be beating as fast as it did that moment, was rattling against his ribcage. Everything that surrounded him became one, big blur when the door fell close behind him. 

He didn't take off his shoes as he began walking towards the door that connected the corridor with their living room. There were sounds coming from behind the closed door that he assumed was just the television.

It was frustrating, it was really frustrating because he was feeling all sort of things but he didn't know what they were. He didn't know what was happening to his body, it was reacting in a way he had never experienced before.

He was just about to kill Kibum.
In order to satisfy his boss.
In order to keep his family safe.
 
A family he had never known, a family that the old man could've made up.

But he had no choice, right ?

He had to obey.

He had to kill Kibum.

The gun that clung onto his body felt cold, it felt foreign all of a sudden and he didn't know why because normally it'd give him reassurance. It never made him feel this desperate, this confused. He hated the feeling as the deadly object pressed against his skin, he hated it because he knew deep inside that it was the source of many innocent people's death and somehow it made him feel uncomfortable because it would also be the reason of Kibum's death. 

Kibum ....

He entered the living room silently, closing the door behind him softly and looking up only to see Kibum sitting in the couch, eyes twinkling with something that Jonghyun had seen so many times in those brown orbs of his, but had no clue as to what it was. Happiness, perhaps ?

He couldn't help but hold his breath when he looked at the pretty boy in the couch, his pink lips stretched out into a shy smile. 

Maybe he was in love.

And maybe he wasn't.

Kibum stood up from the sofa and began walking towards Jonghyun in that familiar elegance the older boy liked so much. Warm lips were pressed against his own a couple of seconds later and skinny arms hurled themselves around his neck, pulling him closer.
The way his heart began beating even faster was beyond Jonghyun.

They kissed, they hugged, they had .

But was it love ?
Was this what you call love ? 
Those I love you's Kibum always whispers,
does he mean it ?

Kibum's hands travelled lower, getting dangerously close to the gun inside his pocket and Jonghyun had to quickly grab his arm and keep it in place around his torso to prevent him from noticing.

Suppress your feelings.
Don't show any emotions.
Lock them up.
You can do it.
You've already done it so many times.
It can't be that hard.

His hand slowly left the other's small waist and made its way to his pocket. It was trembling and sweating, dangling in mid air just because he didn't know what to do. Was he really able to kill Kibum ? Of course he was. Why would he care ? Kibum's just a person. A figure. A shadow. Just like everybody else in this world. 

He reached his pocket after contemplating whether or not he should just do it, fiddling with the ice cold object that was soon going to be aimed at his ... lover's, head.
Well, not really a lover.

His heart was beating really fast and he hated it, he hated it because he couldn't control it. He hated it so much because he knew it had something to do with his feelings and , he wasn't supposed to feel anything. He was supposed to lock them up. To never let them out.

Never had he felt something like this. This restless,defenceless feeling that he couldn't put a name on, he couldn't describe what he was feeling, what his body was doing to him.

The only thing he knew was that deep inside, deep deep inside, he didn't want to kill Kibum. Maybe he did love him. But then again, what was love ?

Jonghyun slowly wrapped his fingers around the gun, pulling it out of its hiding place and with a trembling arm lifting it up behind Kibum's back. Their lips were still moving in sync and he tried to savour the feeling, he tried to enjoy soft lips on his for the very last time, squeezing his eyes shut forcefully when he felt his eyes prickle. 

What the hell was happening to him.

Soon Kibum would be dead, soon the lips that were oh-so delicately pressed against his would stop moving and soon all of this would be over. All of it was just a pull of his fingers at a trigger away, he just had to aim and pull. Just like all those other times he had killed people, like all those other times he had snatched away innocent lives.
He tried and tried, tried to tell himself that it wasn't a big deal. It was just one person out of a million others.

So why did he feel so different now that he had to kill Kibum ?

He tried to control the organ inside him which was threatening to rip his chest apart, it was knocking against his insides and he felt his blood pulsing through his veins. Never in his life had he felt so weak. Never never never.
He meticulously brought the gun to Kibum's head, pressing the tip of it against the back of it and witnessing how Kibum's eyes shot open. 

They looked at each other for a couple of seconds, Kibum's fearful gaze meeting the other's cold stare as he slowly turned around only to be met with something that he would've never expect to be aimed at him.
"J-jonghyun," He whispered, eyes tripling in size and hands starting to tremble at the sight of the deathly object.

Jonghyun watched how all sort of emotions flashed through his eyes. He had to snort inwardly, Kibum was just so bad at hiding his feelings. He could read him like a map without even trying hard. He felt the other's hands grab at his biceps, desperately clinging onto them as he turned his attention back to the assassin who looked him dead in the eye.

"W-What are you doing ?" The younger boy asked in a shaky voice, nails digging into Jonghyun's skin like razor blades.

Jonghyun's heart cringed as he saw Kibum's face getting white, a clear sign of fear. He could almost smell it.
It was weird because all of his other victims showed the exact same reaction as Kibum, but when he had to kill them he did it without any hesitation. Now, he wasn't quite sure what to do.

Come on, just pull the damn trigger. It's not that hard. Pull it.

It was easier sad than done. He wanted to look away from Kibum's eyes because all he could see in them was desperation, hope and fear and it made him feel sick inside, it made him feel so sick because he was the cause of it.

He and Kibum had fights from time to time, he had made him sad more than once, he had seen him happy, he had seen him exhausted, but never had he seen him like this, never had he experienced this side of him.
There was so much more than sadness written on his face, and the problem was that he couldn't help him. Normally when the younger boy was sad, he would comfort him. He would try everything to paint a smile back onto that pretty face of his because it made him feel tingly inside, and he loved that feeling. He wasn't supposed to feel it, but secretly he didn't want that feeling to ever stop. He didn't want to lock that single, measly tingle in his stomach every time he witnessed Kibum smile or look him in the eye up. He wanted to experience it over and over again.

All those feelings that Kibum had waken up inside of him, they weren't supposed to be there, so now all that was going to change. He was going to get rid of the boy that made his heartbeat increase with just a single smile so that he could fully concentrate on the orders his boss gave him, so that he could protect the family he had never known.

"I have to kill you," Jonghyun stated, voice cold and monotone but deep inside, he was dying. He was literally, literally dying. But how ? When and how did he became so weak ?

Kibum's eyes got teary, clinging onto the older boy's arms as an attempt to wake him up from this terrible nightmare. To wake him up from the cruel reality he was living in, the gruesome life he had been imprisoned in.
He shook his head, "No, no no no why would you do that Jonghyun, d-don't," Kibum pleaded, looking him dead in the eye.

Jonghyun shuddered as the younger boy's brown eyes were desperately seeking for a spark of sympathy in his. But he couldn't, no, he couldn't show him his sympathy. There was no such thing as sympathy or pity in the life he was living in, he had to kill Kibum. 
He had to protect his family.

The family he had never met before. 

The family that didn't leave him any memories.

The family his boss could have made up from the very beginning.

A single tear dropped down on Kibum's cheek, sliding all the way down to his chin where it fell down onto the floor. Jonghyun followed it with his eyes, lowering his gaze to the floor.
Kibum had his eyes tightly shut when the older boy looked back up, the tip of the gun pressed against the back of his head.

Jonghyun examined the other's face, the rosy cheeks, the trembling lips, the brown locks ...
How the hell was he going to be able to get rid of something that beautiful ?
His hands were getting clammy and the gun was slipping away, he slowly loosened the grip on the trigger and lowered it to his side, watching how Kibum's chest heaved up and down.

He had to kill him.
He had to.
But he couldn't.
Why ? 
He didn't know.

"I-I love you," Kibum whispered when he felt the gun leave his head, his breathing pattern still irregular and nails still digging in the other's biceps.

Jonghyun gritted his teeth at the words. What the was he talking about. He loved him ? Bull.
Love is only making everything harder for him. He doesn't need it, he doesn't need all those emotions. They are holding him back from protecting the family the dangerous man swore he loved before he got brainwashed.

He pushed Kibum away, his heart clenching when the younger boy fell down onto the hard floor and more tears started collecting in those brown eyes of his as they looked deeply into his.
His head was pounding and it was all Kibum's fault.

It was him who made him this way, who made him so hesitant. It was his fault. If his family would get in danger, Kim Kibum was going to be the one to blame.

"But I don't love you," Jonghyun stated coldly, lifting up his arm and pointing the gun at Kibum's chest who's body began trembling even harder. The tears that began sliding down his cheeks didn't go unnoticed by Jonghyun and they made him cringe, they made him want to fall down to the floor next to him and wipe them away.

His own breathing began to change, he couldn't breathe and his lungs were screaming for oxygen. There were tears stinging at the back of his eyes and he tried to force them back into his tear ducts, trying to suppress every single feeling that was taking over his body.

He felt something pierce right through his body as those five, harsh words left his lips, swallowing hard as he tried to convince himself that he wasn't lying. He wasn't lying. He did not love Kibum.

As the words began wandering through his head he couldn't help but let the tears that he had forced back into his system come back, they were filling up the corners of his eyes and he tried not to blink, because he knew that if he would, they'd spill over. And he knew that if they'd spill over, he'd give himself free. He'd show Kibum that he was indeed lying.

He was lying.

Those five words were one, big, fat lie.

And , it really was.

He knew that he was lying. He knew it all along.

Kibum was crying because of him. His sight was blurried by his tears and he couldn't help but feel slightly relieved, knowing that it'd only pain his heart if he'd see him right now. He wanted nothing more but aim the gun at his own head and end everything right there. He wanted nothing more but threaten his boss to tell him where his family was so that everything could be over. He wanted nothing more but let out all the feelings he had started to develop from the day he had met this wonderful boy. 

Those were just mere dreams though. Wishes, wishes that he knew were never going to be granted. Wishes that were just a part of his fantasy, of his own little world, the world he had secretly created without anybody knowing.

It hurt. It hurt to feel this weak. He had always felt so strong, so tough. He had always felt as if he was the one in charge, but right now, he felt as if no one was. He wasn't, because even though he tried and tried to deny that Kibum had a magic spell on him, he had. But Kibum wasn't either, because he was about to get killed. By the person he loved. 

Everyone loses.

"O-of course y-you do, y-you love m-me," He heard Kibum cry, his voice was desperate and he wasn't sure, but he could still hear a tiny bit of hope, "R-right ?"

Jonghyun gritted his teeth, not able to keep open his eyes any longer and without noticing, blinking, freeing all of his tears out of their prison. Making them slide down his pale face, making them leave a burning trail behind on his cheeks, making them cut in his skin like knives.

The gun was still aimed at the other's chest. His hand was trembling, the weapon threatening to slide out of his sweaty palm.
He had to bite down his bottom lip to prevent it from quivering, clenching his jaw when he had a clear view of the broken boy in front of him again.

His thin frame was pressed against the wall, his face was pale and covered with tears. His entire body was trembling fiercely and he held back a sob, his tears falling down onto the floor, dampening the carpet beneath him.

"Maybe," He choked out, searching for the other's eyes. Their gazes locked and he could see all the confusion, the fear, the disappointment but most of all the pain in Kibum's brown orbs.

And he was pretty sure Kibum could also read all those feelings in his.

"Maybe I do," 

He forcefully closed his eyes, he didn't want to see the other's expression change. He didn't want to see the hope in his eyes, he just didn't. 

He was never going to be sure if he loved Kibum or not. But that was okay, he was human. He still had years and years ahead of him. Kibum's life was going to be taken, not his.

He felt himself calm down a little, chest still heaving up and down and skin still crawling as Kibum's soft sobs filled the room. His throat was burning and felt dry, his mind was slowly going numb and the blood in his veins began to turn to ice.

He pushed away the craving for those three words Kibum had always whispered so sincerely in his ear. 

Aim.

His hand was still trembling, the gun felt like poision seeping into his skin as he gripped it tighter.

Pull.

His index was burning. His heart was aching. The gunshot was deafening.

Run.

His hasty footsteps echoed through the empty corridor, the door behind him closing with a loud bang.

It hurt. 
But it didn't matter.
Because he was human, and humans can forget.

***

kaboom. tragic ending, dum dum duum.
lmfao, did you like it ?

I'll be updating my other fics soon, I've just had a tough week ehhhhh I'll explain it to you guys in Airborne. or a blogpost. Well, I'll let you know as soon as I update one of my other stories. k ? k.

aaaaaaaaaaaand i love you. so, yeah. i love you, thanks. didn't even promote this story and already got 26 subscribers, yeah ... that's pretty cool.

did you think he was actually going to kill kibum in the end or not ? I wanna know. /does macarena

see you guys in another story /seductive eyebrow wiggle