“Are you trying to tell me that you’re a member of the group or something?” the girl asked and instantly bee laughing gently at her own little joke. Chen only took his hands out of his pockets and lifted them to his, pulling his hood back to reveal his face. 

Chen didn’t know what he expected this girl’s reaction to be. Most fans he met usually responded with high pitched screams, shouts of love, cheering and support, and still others even cried. But she didn’t strike him as being an ordinary person, an ordinary fan. Chen wanted to believe that her reaction might be different; different enough to distinguish herself from the other fans. He wanted it to be.

For the first second once his hood left his head, she just sat quietly and carefully studied his face. A blush unwillingly set itself onto his cheeks. Then her already wide eyes widened even more. A thin gasp of air, and one hand flew to cover .

“…O… Omo,” she said, wide open behind her hand. Chen smiled and she began to laugh. 

“Chen?” she said and his stomach twisted a strange way hearing her say his stage name. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Hi. I guess this is why I looked really familiar to you.”

“You’re telling me,” she said, dropping her hands and leaning forward as though examining him. “I can’t believe it’s you! Omo, this is incredible! I… I’m an absolute fan of yours, and of EXO, of course, I just…,” 

Chen sat up straight and looked directly at the girl for the first time since they began talking. Her face looked much brighter without his hood blocking his view. She had stopped mid-sentence to stare back at him in awe. By now, Chen should have been used to it; girls staring at him in awe, but it was much different when she stared. He felt like a new student in a school full of geniuses. Like she was studying him. 

Suddenly she lifted her hands to cup her cheeks and smiled shyly. Shyly? It was a word Chen never thought he could associate with someone as sunny as her. 

“Aish, I’m sorry,” she said. “You know, I used to tell myself that if I ever met an idol or someone famous, like you, I wouldn’t be just another stupid fangirl who screams and cries; I used to think I’d have something of a lot more substance to say like ‘oh, I love your music, you’re a great singer’ or something like that, but honestly right now, I have no idea what to say.”

“Just be yourself,” Chen said. “You can just be comfortable, I’m taking a little break from idol life for now. And really, I’m not any different from anyone else. You didn’t have any problems talking when you didn’t know who I was.”

“No, you’re right,” she said, dropping her hands into her lap. Chen noticed that her cheeks were red now. “Ah, silly me. I mean… yeah, of course you don’t want to be treated any differently.” 

As soon as the words left , they fell into silence again, a silence that Chen regretted. The whirring of the washing machines became the only source of noise again. Before, the turning of the machines was a comfort to him, but now it only served as a reminder that neither he nor the girl were talking anymore. 

Come on, say something, he thought, though he didn’t know who he wanted to direct this command toward: her or himself? 

Maybe it would have been a lot better if he didn’t tell her who he really was. Maybe revealing his identity would have made her feel less nervous. He wanted her to keep talking. He cleared his throat. Though Chen didn’t really have anything to say that might lead to a decent conversation, he wanted something other than the washing machines to be making noise. 

Chen had never really been much of a talkative person; on interviews, even when he did have something to contribute to the conversation, the language barrier often kept him from talking. And soon enough, not talking had become something of a norm for him. But no one had ever really been able to stop him from singing. And wise people always did say that when words fail, music speaks.

“Wo men yao zhe yang—” he began, but immediately stopped when he realized that she had began singing the exact same line at the exact same time. They both stopped and looked back at each other for a second before laughing. 

“Sorry,” she said.

“No, it’s ok,” Chen said. “That was a real coincidence, huh?”

“I know! Ha, well, great minds do think alike, so yay us for having great minds!” 

“It looks like you know the song pretty well, though. Despite it being in Chinese, I mean. You must be really smart, then, took me forever to get the pronunciation right, and even still I’m struggling with it.”

“I really love that song!” she said, smiling bright and radiant again. “Like, really, the first time I listened to it, both versions, I just really fell in love with it. It was a really powerful debut song. And of course, your singing was amazing.”

Chen bowed and thanked her, happy to finally get her talking again. She did say that she liked to fill in the empty spaces, and with his help, they were able to fill in the silence together.

“Yah, Chen?” she said, gentler this time. 

“Hmm?”

“Do you like being famous?”

Chen tightened his jaw and shifted in his seat. He hadn’t been asked this question before. He never spent much time thinking about his fame. As far as he was concerned, he had only just started out in this idol business, and while he was thankful for people’s support and affections (and of course, the money), he didn’t spend much time pondering it. 

Did he like it? Was it something he enjoyed?

“Being famous?” he said. “Mmm… it’s a lot of fun.”

“It looks like it,” she said. “But?”

Chen furrowed his brows at her. “But what?”

“There was a ‘but’ in the way you said that, like your voice changed or something. I don’t know. From my point of view, being an idol does look like a lot of fun, getting to travel places and meet all sorts of people. But something tells me that it wasn’t what you were after, isn’t it?”

For a split second, Chen felt almost angry at her for being so insightful and being able to read him like a book. But he guessed it was also partly his fault. Some people did compliment him on his ability to wear his heart on his sleeve. 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Yeah, nevermind, I shouldn’t pry into stuff like that, that was a stupid question—,”

“No, it’s okay,” he said. “I knew you were a talker, but I didn’t really expect you’d be this perceptive either.”

“Sorry,” the girl said in a high-pitched voice. Her version of aegyo, he presumed. Hmm. He quite liked it. 

“Do you want to be famous?”

“Mmm. I don’t know. Do I?”

Chen titled his head to the right. “I don’t know much about you,” he said. “About your talents or anything. But,” he checked his watch. “We’ve been talking about fifteen minutes now and judging from your character, I think you wouldn’t have much of a problem handling fame.”

She smiled, happy with his diagnosis. “What makes you say that?”

“You strike me a very social girl,” he said. “And social skills tend to help when you’re famous.” It was true. Chen wished he had as much skill in variety as she potentially had. She was a very open type of person.

“Being famous must be nice,” she said.

“It is,” Chen said. “But… honestly, there’s really no way to prepare for it. No manual or anything so when it comes to… well, when it came to me, it came as a little shock. I didn’t expect so many people would like me. Because for the longest time I’ve been just regular old me, and suddenly regular me is singing on stages and posing for pictures and…”

Chen trailed off on his description to think about what he really wanted to say. He didn’t know. But it was true that when fame hit him, he didn’t expect everything to blow up the way it did. He didn’t imagine that EXO would create the hype that it did. And when they debuted, it was apparent that he was painfully unprepared to handle all the fame that was on him. He was indefinitely grateful for it, but sometimes it could be overwhelming. 

He wasn’t used to interviews, talk shows, live performances, photoshoots, cameras, and fans. He was used to recording studios, karaoke, training rooms, and dorm life. 

“It sounds like it can be pretty overwhelming,” she said, finishing his sentence. “I’ve never been famous, but I always wonder how idols feel. It must be pretty amazing to have all these supporters and fans who love you, being able to perform and get acknowledgment for your work. But I think… that it’s important to know what you want, first, before knowing what others want for you.”

“What do you mean?” Chen asked. 

“Like,” she said, pausing to think. “When… when you start becoming famous, or start training to be an idol, there’s something specific that you want out of fame, right?”

“That’s right,” Chen said, searching his memories for what it was he wanted when he became a trainee.

“And once you become famous, I think it’s important to know who you are and what you want first. Otherwise, this cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all sort of industry will make a fake identity for you and make you conform to it. I don’t know how this business works, I’m just regular old me. But in my school, everyone really wanted to be the best and to study hard and get into the best college. But because none of us really knew what he wanted out of our lives, the things we were forced to do ended up defining us. Remember how I said that deferring from school was a good idea? I think that when you get away from all that cookie-cutter stuff, you can figure out what you want without having someone dictate it to you. And you can define yourself. Does fame work the same way?”

Chen was flabbergasted. Stunned. Honestly, when they first got to talking, he thought she was just a chatty girl who was bored and decided to talk to a stranger in a laundromat. Now he could see that she had far more depth than he thought she did. And she was completely right about the idol industry. 

Everything was about image and exposure and impressions. And in a world like that, if you came into the idol scene not knowing who you were or what you wanted, the company would tell you. 

“How do you know all this?” Chen asked and the girl was taken aback as though he’d just accused her of a crime.

“I don’t,” the girl said. “But… I can imagine?”

“Your imagination is incredible,” he said. She smiled.

“Thanks?”

“You’re right, of course,” he said. “I haven’t been an idol for very long, but it’s definitely true that if you don’t fight for your own identity or beliefs or dreams, no one else will.”

“So what’s your dream, then?”

“My dream?”

“Yes, yours,” she said, leaning forward and anticipating his answer. Chen’s dream? It was simple, really. He just wanted the music. He wanted to sing. He wanted to do what he enjoyed most. He wanted to make the most of his career and prepare himself for the future. But he felt as though he wasn’t making any progress toward any of those dreams.

Chen was being pushed and pulled and stretched by the company to turn him into their very own money-making machine. And for now, his dream was to find a balance between himself and the business. To reach a compromise. He’d been neglecting his own wants lately.

The girl was right; being famous for the sake of making money, worrying over image, and letting others tell you who you were, all these things were meaningless. But going after a dream, discovering what you really wanted, these were things that people became famous for. Without it, a career would be…empty. Chen sighed. He guessed he did have a dream, even just a small one for now:

“I just want to fill in the empty spaces,” he said, and he watched as her face lit up into another beautiful smile.

“Good,” 

One of the machines began beeping signaling the end of the wash cycle. Both Chen and the girl stood from their seats. Chen politely refused her help at first, but she insisted and the both of them stood at one of the tables where she helped him fold laundry. Chen tried to avoid her gaze anytime she accidentally came into contact with any undergarments. If she did, however, she didn’t make it known. 

“I guess even idols have to do their own laundry, huh?” she said, folding one of Lay’s t-shirts. Chen laughed.

“No special treatment for us, unfortunately.” Chen reached out to grab another t-shirt to fold, instead coming into contact with her hand when she reached for the same shirt. His ring finger had just lightly grazed the skin on the back of her hand, but he pulled away as though he had touched a hot stove.

“Sorry,” he said, facing his head down to cover up the fact that he was blushing again.

“You’re kind of shy, aren’t you?” she asked again. “That’s ok. I like shy people. But here, take the shirt. Fold it!” she grabbed the shirt he was about to take and handed it to him. He smirked. 

“Aren’t you going to ask for my autograph?” he asked.

“No,” she said with a light scoff. “I’ll come after you for an autograph afteryou reach your dream, how about that? Then it’ll be even more meaningful.”

“Can I count on that?” and she nodded excitedly. 

“I’m going to be your biggest fan from now on. I’ll be watching you really closely and making sure you don’t miss any of those empty spaces you said you wanted to fill in. Work hard. Fighting!” 

Chen looked down at the clothes and smiled. His biggest fan? It was a warm feeling. And she was a good fan to have. Hearing her showcase her verbal support for him gave him courage and reassured him that things would be looking up from here on out. Chen hoped that she would keep her promise. He wanted her to. 

“Wait,” he said. “What’s your name?” 

“Tell me yours first,” she said.

“You already know.”

“No, I don’t. I know Chen, but not you. Chen belongs to SM. So who belongs to you?” 

Chen smiled again. “Kim Jong Dae.” The girl nodded, mouthing his name to herself. 

“It’s a good name. Mine’s Ha Yoon.” Chen smiled to himself. Ha Yoon. It suited her. They began discussing other things, like her school life, activities they enjoyed, recent news, the elections. But pretty soon, her own laundry machine finished its cycle and soon they ran out of clothes to fold. It was time to say goodbye, they both realized, he with considerable more dread than she happened to be showing. 

She gathered up the clothes she had come by to wash and placed them neatly into her basket again at the same time Chen finished up his own laundry. They both met face to face at the door as they were preparing to exit. Chen didn’t want to leave her. 

An hour and a half was a short time to befriend someone, normally, but she was special. By the time he had revealed he had removed his hood, he was already half in love with her. She was the type of girl who was just easy to fall in love with. If only the members had more laundry. They both bowed to each other as they prepared to part ways. 

“Be sure to wear the face mask,” she said. “Wouldn’t want you getting trampled on by other crazy girls. Be sure to go after that dream of yours, okay?”

“Yeah,” he said. “You, too.”

She held his gaze for a few seconds, but to Chen it seemed longer. Her large intelligent eyes; if he were so bold, he would have taken a picture of her. But like she said, he was too shy. She smiled one last time and gave him the “fighting” hand gesture before turning to leave.

“Ha Yoon,” he called out and she faced him again. Chen bit his lip. “What kind of songs do you like to write?”

She looked down at her feet for a second and then met his eyes again. “Love songs,” she said with a shy smile. And they both went their separate ways. 

Chen put his face mask back on. But this time he thought that it was not because he wanted to protect Chen from a bad image, but rather to keep Kim Jong Dae safe. Ha Yoon had made a point of telling him not to let this fame define who he was. For as long as EXO was famous, the world could have Chen. But as for Kim Jong Dae, he belonged to the music. There was a lot of work to be done if he was break the mold SM had put him in. A lot of work to be done if he was to fill in these empty spaces. 

But he looked forward to the climb, looked forward to feeling full. And once he did, then he could give Ha Yoon his autograph with integrity. 

—————

Fin

Author’s note: Damn this was long and kind of heavy :/ I actually don’t know if Chen’s personality is really like this, sooo yeah disclaimer!