The next encounter I had with Starboy was a few days later. My day started with my parents’ funeral service. It was hard to believe that my young parents (they were only in their early thirties when they passed) had funeral arrangements.

The idea of my parents disappearing from my life forever was a foreign thought to me, yet what made it more so was the idea that my parents might have known this day was coming. My parents had been Christian so they chose for the service to take place at a big church. I wonder how they ever chose that. I imagined them driving to this church and deciding to have their funeral there.

Auntie woke me up early that day and asked me to wear my black dress. I didn’t want to because my black dress had a scratchy collar but one look into Auntie’s eyes and I knew I was in no position to argue. Her eyes were red and puffy and her voice sounded scratchy as if she’d been crying all night.

Close family was invited early to the visitation and to greet the mourners who were to arrive later. The car ride was silent, auntie didn’t come. I wrote her a note to ask her why, she responded that she wasn’t invited.

“Hyun Ae-ah, you don’t have to stay there if you don’t want to, okay?” Uncle said softly to me and I peered at his reflection from the back seat. I nodded silently. We arrived at a large Cathedral. Its beauty was augmented by the embellishments in the architecture yet to me it seemed like a sad pulchritude, almost as if the marble statues were mourning for a loss of their own.

Uncle parked the car and immediately whisked me inside where I was led to an antechamber. The minister came and greeted us. The minister was old, maybe in his sixties or seventies. He had a rigid posture with deep frown lines that ran across his forehead and around his eyes. He wore a pair of round spectacles and he did not smile.

Then again. He didn’t really have anything to smile about.

I saw my uncle whisper a few words to the Minister who then looked at me and nodded. The Minister whispered a few words back but steely voiced cut through the air more than my uncle’s did. I picked up a few words that sounded like “closed casket”, “marred” and “distorted”. In my nine year old brain, although I didn’t completely understand what all the words meant, I pieced together that my parents’ bodies had been too badly damaged by the crash to be shown at the funeral.

I heard a huge sob echo through the antechamber and the Minister and my Uncle turned to look at me. Only then did I realize the horrible choking sob came from me. The Minister’s eyes softened as he gave me a box of tissues and awkwardly told me to pray to the Lord. I suppose he didn’t have much experience in dealing with children.

Sometime later family members began to arrive one by one. My uncle sat with me in the antechamber as people brought flowers, candles, cards and picture frames. Some were dry eyed and others could not stop the constant waterworks that streamed down their face. I hated the way they looked at me, as if they pitied me. The stares reminded me that I was an orphan who’d lost both her parents and her voice to a car crash. That I was broken.

Auntie showed up sometime during the visitation. She was wearing a black dress and a lace veil with her hair done up into a bun. For the first time I realized how similar my auntie and my mother looked. Under closer inspection, however, I realized there were differences. My auntie had plumper lips and a sharper jaw than my mother did; the biggest difference was still the aura of weariness my auntie carried. My grandmother walked in beside her.

“Hyun Ae-ah!” Grandmother cried out as she hobbled over weakly to give me a hug. I was engulfed in the smell of cooking spices and moth balls. It took me a moment to realize that my grandparents from my father’s side were also here.

“It’s time for the procession now Hyun Ae.” My uncle said to me gently and I nodded. My uncle had told be about the procedure. I was to enter the chapel walking behind the caskets. The music started and the doors to the chapel from the antechamber swung open. I looked and saw the pews were filled with foreign faces. It’s strange to know that the people you share blood with are complete strangers to you.

None of it felt real to me. I remember standing up. Sitting down. Not singing hymns when I was supposed to. Standing up again. Praying.

I made the mistake of looking over at Grandmother. She looked beaten down and wrecked. It’s a sad day when you outlive both your spouse and your child. I thought to myself as tears streamed down my face. A draught ran through the chapel and I shivered. The cardigan I wore over my dress did little to help. Although it protected me from the physical cold, it could not warm the atmosphere or my heart.

My uncle took his place as a pallbearer as they carried the two caskets outside for the burial. Those not contacted by the lawyer for the reading of the will took this time to scatter. I put a handful of soil on each of my parents’ coffins and then stepped back. I watched the rest of the burial quietly as my parents became one with the earth.

It hit me; I would never see them again.

We shuffled back inside to another small room in the church where the lawyer read the will. I didn’t understand a word of it with terms like “fiduciary” and “bequest”. I was too young and too sad for it to matter.

After the reading of the will, we shuffled back out the antechamber where I heard a few aunts and uncles whispering amongst themselves. I heard them mention how Auntie and mother had a big falling out over Kang Hyun Shik, my father, and how he could’ve proposed to either one. They said the most peculiar things until one of them looked over at me and said, “Little pitchers have big ears.”

Another scoffed and replied, “Don’t worry about her, she’s mute.” Uncle heard that part and shot them a nasty look. He took my hand to bring me home.

“Don’t listen to them Hyun Ae. They’re just a bunch of old crows jabbering on about nothing because they didn’t receive the settlement they wanted.” I shivered at his comment. I couldn’t believe my family would tear each other up verbally over something as little as money.

I noticed on the car ride home, auntie had a new necklace. It was a small golden heart pendant. I suppose she received it in the will.

“Are you going to wear it from now on?” I heard uncle ask her.

“Well, why wouldn’t I? Hyun Shik wanted me to have it.” Auntie replied. I watched my uncle as he pressed his lips together firmly and clenched the steering wheel tighter. I didn’t understand why he was unhappy.

“The family has been talking. She won’t get the journals or the research if they think she’s disabled.” Uncle mentioned. This time it was Auntie’s turn to be angry.

“Why? It’s none of their business what her state is. My sister devoted her life to this research, so did Hyun Shik. They left this research to Hyun Ae, when she becomes older, it’s her choice if she wants to publish it or not. For now, we leave it locked. Only Hyun Ae has the key anyways, if she wants to open it, they can’t stop her.” Auntie replied.

“Don’t you understand? It’s not that easy. They can prove that Hyun Ae can’t handle the research because of her disability.” Uncle said wearily.

“So what if she can’t think? It’s not like she can’t think.” Auntie replied. I think you’ve both forgotten that I also still exist. I wanted to shout at them, but I couldn’t.

We arrived back at the house and I went straight to bed. Too much had happened that day, I didn’t feel in the mood to eat dinner either. I lay down on the bed and shut my eyes willing the day to go away. Day, away… I was temporarily distracted by the rhyme. I heard the door creak and I quickly closed my eyes.

“Hyun Ae-ah, your uncle and I were talking. I think it’s best if we visit a psychologist or a therapist okay? We’ll be looking for one tomorrow so you can start your sessions.” Auntie told me quietly. I pretended to be asleep and she sighed and walked out. I heard her tell uncle that I had my dad’s eyes. The doorbell rung and my Auntie answered the door.

“Is Hyun Ae here?” I shot up from the bed immediately at the sound of that voice. It was Starboy.

“I’m sorry, she already went to sleep.” My auntie replied and I wanted to shout that I wasn’t asleep. I wanted to escape to the stars tonight. I wanted to see my parents.

“Thank you.” Starboy replied and I heard the door close softly after he left. I sighed and closed my eyes as I drifted softly to sleep. I woke up the next morning and opened the shutters to see a cloudy day. What caught my attention though was a small plastic bag attached to a brick and a balloon.

You haven’t decorated your room right? This is so you can fall asleep looking at the stars. --- Your friend, Luhan was written on a small note attached to the bag.

I looked around at my room. Although Auntie had managed to buy me a bed and set it up before my arrival, it had been a storage room before a bedroom so there were small box column towers dispersed through my room. Some towers were only waist height while others had large boxes stacked so high that they tottered precariously whenever I made any sudden movements.

I opened his gift and my eyes lit up happily. Inside were glow in the dark star stickers for my ceiling. I knew exactly what constellation to stick first. I grabbed a chair and stuck a pattern of seven stickers in the shape of a water dipper. Ursa Major. I thought to myself.

I looked up to admire my handiwork. I shook out the rest of the stickers on my hand and smiled. 7 more stickers. Beside Ursa Major, I mimicked the ladle pattern but slightly smaller. Ursa Minor. Big bear and little bear. If only I were a star. Then I wouldn’t be so alone. I thought to myself.

Uncle knocked on my door and saw the stars I’d put on the ceiling. He walked out soundlessly and I held my breath thinking that he was mad at me for not asking him before sticking things on my wall. To my relief, he walked in a few moments later with a box full of astronomy books.

“Here, I used to love astronomy. So did your Auntie. Too bad we don’t have time to star gaze anymore.” He said as he set the books in my room. I broke into a grin and tackled him in a hug. His arms wrapped around my lithe frame and for the first time since the accident, I felt safe and not so alone. “If you want to go see that boy from yesterday, you can go if you’re feeling up to it.” Uncle said and I nodded. I rifled through the box and grabbed a book on the phases of the moon to bring to Starboy.

I ran down to the fourth floor and knocked on Starboy’s door. His mom opened up and scowled at me. Although her facial expression was scary, she had a twinkle in her eye just like Starboy. “Luhan! You better come over here! The friend that’s been taking up all your time is here to steal you away from me again!” She yelled in Chinese and then translated and winked at me as she broke into a huge grin. I relaxed.

I just came to give Luhan a thank you gift. I wrote to Luhan’s mother and she nodded.

“It’s alright honey, I was just teasing before. I’m glad Luhan has found a friend. What floor are you guys on?” I answered her question in the form of writing as Starboy appeared at the door.

“Bye mom!” Starboy called excitedly to his mother as she waved at us and laughed. We climbed up to the roof of the building again and I showed him my book and Ursa Minor. He laughed and told me he was Ursa Major and I was Ursa Minor because of my petite body and I stuck my tongue out at him. Starboy as Ursa Major. I liked it.

I left the book with Starboy and thanked him for his thoughtful gift. He kept looking at me as if he expected me to burst into tears or something but at least he didn’t look at me like I was a freak.

I fell asleep reading one of the astronomy books and in my dreams I felt myself floating into the stars to see my parents again. Auntie woke me up for dinner. Looks like I’m still on earth.