After the drunken confession that had slipped through loose lips, he practices avoidance like it’s his job, and he learns how to slip around unnoticed and silent.  His heart aches, and while he can’t bring himself to lift his head to look into the telling eyes of , his best friend, his soulmate – he knows what those eyes would tell him anyways.  He knows there must be anger and hurt and discomfort and disappointment in those wide dark eyes; but he can’t look at them, he can’t let himself fall into the warm arms of comfort, or be surrounded by the endless puffs of smoke.

He feels like he’s losing his sanity and his best friend; and he isn’t sure how to correct all the mistakes he keeps on making over and over and over again.  When Yoochun tries to corner him, he runs away like the coward that he really is, all hope of forgetting that night blown to pieces.  He tries not to draw attention to how uncomfortable he feels in Yoochun’s presence now, he tucks shaking nervous hands between his knees, lowers his gaze to avoid eye contact with nearly everyone. 

He begins to feel thin and awkward and out of place; he stumbles through vocal lessons his voice sharp and cracking and strained with stress and nerves and exhaustion.  His limbs feel heavy and unmoving as he messes up move after move, the scolding from Yunho is sharp in his ears and the embarrassment is hot on his face, he bites back the anger and the hurt and blinks away the hot tears that pool; because he’s stronger than this, he is.  He doesn’t realize how thin he’s gotten until all he sees in the mirror is beyond pale skin stretched across sharp hip bones and protruding ribs.  He wears heavier sweaters in the sweltering heat, baggier shirts are requested for interviews, longer sleeves are his new fashion statement; all attempts to cover up the lack of appetite.

He forces laughter at the appropriate times, fakes a smile that is a mirror reflection of his past true smiles; he perfects his act so well that sometimes he forgets all about the pain, and the fear, and the moments of avoidance.  When Yunho attempts to corner him after the third night in a row of extra hours in the dance studio and all he can manage is a stuttering attempt at jokes and laughter and lightness; Yunho frowns and pushes harder, feeling cornered he runs from the leader with a broken apology whispered over his shaking shoulder.  

He spends the night hiding out in the bathroom, tears a continuous flow from his eyes as his hands shake so viciously that they start to ache and tense and lock up.  He ignores the banging against the bathroom as Yunho tries to coax him into talking, it’ll make whatever is wrong better.  The whining from Junsu through the door is hard to ignore as the man pleads him to open up because really he just as to pee, eventually the whines are replaced by threats and then his voice disappears with the stomping footsteps.  Changmin tries to force him out with teasing and sharp words and harsh banging; threats that he’s going to just bust the door down and he will have to pay for it himself – he gets ignored by hands firmly pressed over ears and mumbling under choking sobs.  Yoochun shows up late into the morning, when the rest of the apartment has finally fallen into silence, but he’s still shedding tears that won’t stop and trying to make his hands stop shaking and twitching because they hurt so bad now.  Yoochun’s voice is soft and worried through the door as he leans against it from the outside, tears in his own eyes, as he begs for him to open the door, pleads and cries and then starts to bang harshly because silence falls over the inside of the bathroom as Jaejoong holds his breath and tries to count to 1,000.

He tries to drown out the tears by the fuzziness that invades his ears as his face turns shades of red and blue and purple.  He gives up eventually, because his head aches as he falls over against the cold floor.  It’s soothing and hard and freezing against his heated cheeks; and he can still hear the pleads through the door, and he knows there are tears in Yoochun’s eyes; he can hear them clearly in the catch of his voice, the stutter of his words, the rasp that overtakes the smoothness.

Eventually he crawls and unlocks the door, because he just can’t take it anymore and he wants to beg for his best friends forgiveness, wants to apologize and take back his words, he wants him to hold him and tell him he’s going to be okay, it’s going to be okay.  Yoochun is all flailing arms and clumsy legs and grabbing hands once he scrambles through the door.

His arms are solid and strong and warm around Jaejoong as he shakes and coughs and cries and sobs around apologies that won’t stop tumbling from his mouth.  Yoochun shushes him and soothes him and is everything that he needs, he is his best friend, and his other half.  He makes promises of it’s okay, and whispers of it’ll get better, I promise it will.  Jaejoong trusts him, and believes him; falling into sleep without nightmares for the first time in weeks.

Yoochun cries when he slides Jaejoong into pajamas, when he sees for himself the loss of weight the older man has been hiding all too well.  Yoochun is still sobbing into his pillow when the sun rises, he feels achy and sick but he scrambles up with soft eyes when Jaejoong rolls from bed in a half-awake still half-asleep tumble of tense limbs and tired eyes.  They stare at one another for a while, eyes wide and scared and worried; and then everything falls away and they comfort one another with murmurs and tight arms and promises to always be there.

Jaejoong cries around another apology, and Yoochun shushes him with it’s okay, it’s okay – don’t apologize, I’ll always be here, I’ll always care. Everything is fine, I promise.  Then they cook breakfast together, Jaejoong stumbles around a few times, but there is a small quirk at the corner of his mouth and it’s a start.  No one mentions last night when they sit at the table; they pretend it didn’t happen, that it didn’t exist, that everything was perfect.  Jaejoong ignores the pain in his heart, as he nibbles silently on a piece of toast.

Eat more, is Yunho’s silent command as he pushes his own plate across the table and Jaejoong has gotten so good at avoidance that he obeys without complaint.  So, he eats and eats, while Yoochun watches on with worry, fear around the edges of his eyes and Junsu remains oblivious with a laugh and Changmin is biting nervously at his lip, eyes uncertain.  Minutes later, he’s a blur of movement as he barely makes it to the bathroom before he’s heaving and coughing and riding his entire stomach of everything he’d just consumed.  There’s a warm hand on his back and fingers fisted into his hair holding them away from his face, tears escape warmly as his stomach continues to revolt and spasm, and the pain is so intense that his vision swims in flashes of black and blinding white.

Slowly he begins to find himself again, his voice doesn’t strain and his fingers skim over white and black keys, and his legs follow his mind.  He consumes more food and less alcohol, his laugh is real and he stops forcing faked smiles just to appease s.  He leans against Yunho for strength, and he relies on Junsu for laughter, and he melts into Changmin for warmth, and he seeks perfection in the melodies Yoochun surrounds him with.  He links fingers, and eyes, and lips; hips aligning and fingers searching.  He listens to the whispered words of confessions, and apologies, and love.  He drowns in the laughter, and smiles, and brightness of loving eyes.  He finds himself within the cracks of his own broken soul, and lets them all put together all the pieces of his shattered, beaten heart.