It’s already far too late by the time he realizes that he’s falling; he’s already half-way in love, light years beyond insane, and two seconds away from a meltdown.  With no idea what he’s doing, no clue how to avoid the situation, to make all the feelings disappear; anger, bitterness, fear, love, sadness all of them all too overwhelming.  So he avoids; he avoids being alone with him, he avoids excessive touching or hand holding or fan service moments – he throws himself into long nights bent over the piano, and early mornings running off the frustration, and lunch breaks hiding behind the height of Changmin and the laughter of Junsu as he joins their jokes in the corner. 

                But it’s still there and it just won’t disappear; it won’t fade no matter how much he tries not to think about it – it’s all he really thinks about and he can’t escape it.  Every time he finally gets a dance move right, sweat dripping in his eyes and hair plastered to his face, there is a warm hand on his shoulder and a smile far too bright and warm and close to his own face – there is a gleeful good job spoken far too softly and hotly into his ear, and it rips his heart a little more.  He feels like his heart is bleeding, in the moments that he can’t avoid being alone with him; a photoshoot of just the two of them, wrapped around one another and it takes him far too long to find his smile – and he knows what the side long glance he’s being sent means, he knows that he’s going to have to perfect his hiding act the moment this photoshoot is over – because he just doesn’t have the right answers to questions anymore.

                He forgets to breathe when he looks up from the floor where he’d just fallen; the imprint of hot, wet, strength still plastered against the entire length of his front lingers for a moment.  And then he’s all flushing cheeks and stuttered words and watery eyes as he scrambles to his feet and then blindly disappears from the apartment for the night.  He’s greeted with confusion, and worried eyes when he finally drags himself back at the crack of dawn.  He feels exhausted and tired and alone.  There’s a loneliness that’s starting to eat away at him, and he’s not sure how much longer his sanity is going to remain intact.

                He wraps himself around Jaejoong tighter as the days progress forward, leans on the older man fully and whines into the soft skin that feels warm against his shaky hands.  Jaejoong just looks at him with understanding eyes, and brushes away all the painful tears with soft fingers.  He doesn’t have to say a word, because Jaejoong always knows everything – and he feels a comfort in that, just as he feels fear.  Tell him, please just tell him is the only thing that Jaejoong repeatedly tells him, but doesn’t push any more than that knowing the younger man will just hide further, hurt himself more. 

                When the nightmares start to surface, and the packs of cigarettes start to increase, and the dark circles won’t fade away; he realizes that he needs help, that he has to do something because he isn’t going to be able to live like this.  He isn’t going to be able to live at all if this progresses.  He falls into a bottle, then falls into more bottles; he tries to forget rather than deal, and everything just continues to build up.  He avoids Jaejoong’s soft knowing eyes that eat at him, and the worried frowns that Junsu and Changmin are constantly wearing in his presence – And he avoids Yunho like the leader is the plague, because he’s so broken at this point, that he doesn’t trust himself to even be near the man anymore.

                He begs for a vacation; just a day, please, just a day.  And then he disappears, his phone is left behind and he’s packed much more is needed for one night away, and there’s music scattered all over his room; some of it is ripped up into pieces, some of it is crumbled up and throw into corners, some of it is scratched across with deep pencils marks; but all of it is heartbreaking, and sad, and touching, and hauntingly beautiful.  Four hearts ache, a lot of tears fall; one voice screams, one pair of hands shake, one set of knees buckle and one mind finally understands. 

                They don’t know where to look, who to contact, what to say; for once Yunho doesn’t know how to fix a problem, he stops talking because he feels like the worst leader, the worst friend, the worst person on the planet.  Jaejoong doesn’t cook anymore; his piano remains un-played as the dust begins to pile up as the months flash by, he no longer has a voice because every night he screams his throat raw.  Junsu doesn’t stop shaking or jumping or looking around with confused and worried and scared eyes; he can’t sleep alone without waking up shaking and crying, enveloped in fear.  Changmin moves around slowly, like a ghost that’s haunting them all; his smile has faded, his eyes have dulled, and his laughter has seized to exist. 

                They’ve become nothing but a broken unit, because without their missing piece; they cannot perform, they cannot smile, they cannot sing.  And every second of every day, one thought flashes through the leader’s mind repeatedly; I should have noticed, I should have held him, I should have cared enough to speak up, I should have told him I loved him too.