Nothing
Nothing
Kim Kibum did not believe in love at first sight. “That’s bull,” he so often said to delusional people who think that a single glance at a person and one is instantly head over heels.
To him, it took a long time for a person to fall for someone. Because really, “How the hell can you fall for someone you don’t even know?” and he shakes his head at the people who believe in such a fantasy.
--
It wasn’t supposed to happen. Things weren’t supposed to be like the way they were. None of it was part of the plan.
“I should just die, really,”
And his four friends think he badly needed fixing, quick.
--
There was a 95% chance for him to meet a typical girl in a clothing store, a 3% chance for him to talk to her, and a 2% chance that he would actually be interested.
But there he was, hanging on the 1% chance that the girl was different, the chance that he was willing to talk to her, the chance that he was interested. He held on, even though hanging by a thread, because this girl…there was something about her.
Kibum did not believe in love at first sight. But the thing was, he didn’t actually see her. He heard her.
--
“Come on, Key, drink up. You’ll feel nothing. Isn’t that what you want?”
It was exactly what he wanted (Minho was right), so he gulped down the contents of every single shot glass presented to him as the alcohol singed its way into his system.
“A few more and you’ll have forgotten all about her,”
And he took back what he thought earlier. Minho couldn’t have been any more wrong. Not one thing will make him forget about her. Not even the effects of alcohol.
--
Her name was Amber Liu. She wore baggy clothes, a cap all the time and rubber shoes that made her look like a complete guy.
But she also listened to The Beatles, The Smiths, U2, Florence + The Machine, The Hush Sound and so many more. And the way her voice sounded was like a choir of angels or a chorus of a wedding march or the way a child’s laugh could brighten up someone’s day. She was more than just typical and Kibum liked that.
So he said hi (probably the most awkward hi in his 18 years of living) and she said hi back and she smiled and the fireworks automatically went off in his chest.
--
“You’re crazy,”
He tells Jonghyun to, “Shut the up,” and he knows it was a little harsh but at that point, he didn’t really care. He was numb. Sure the alcohol was one reason why, but another because he couldn’t feel anything else but the pain that she gave him (the pain she left with him when she decided to go).
But then again, he was crazy (crazy for her), and to him that made perfect sense.
--
“Amber Liu and Kim Kibum” became “Amber and Kibum” then “Amber&Kibum” and everything was going great. It was all vintage record stores, hidden corner cafes, lomography film printing shops and they were both happier than a kid in a candy store (which was probably their favourite hang-out place since then).
So, he thinks. He thinks long and hard and very carefully.
What exactly are we?
--
They were done. Done, finished, separated, over, history. That’s what they were. They were no more. And it killed him.
It killed him how he could no longer wake up in the morning and smile because he had her to look forward to. It killed him how the person he talked to from 10pm to 2am wouldn’t even say a single word to him. It killed him how all the girls seemed typical now, all of them don’t seem like her and the way she is. It killed him because she was gone, that she left, that she took everything with her (including his heart).
“I want her back,”
--
“So, um…Amber, I was wondering,”
“Hmm?”
Ice cream cones and a stroll in the park was his best bet. He wasn’t exactly the hopeless romantic, and he didn’t like effort and he was always sure of his words. He was impulsive and frank and straight to the point and he was sometimes insensitive, which was why he shocked himself when he managed to ask her to the park and was stuttering when he spoke a single word.
“I mean, um. What…what are we?”
“We?”
, she doesn’t even consider us, “we”. Okay, that’s it. Worst idea I’ve ever had.
“You know what, never mind,” And he walked swiftly to get ahead and he could hear her saying something, but he couldn’t exactly make it out. So, he let it be.
--
“You what?”
Jonghyun and Minho asked at the same time, but he couldn’t really hear it properly. So, he let it be. He stood up a little uneasily, and dragged his feet to the club’s entrance, sloppily pushing the door out of the way and stumbling out. His friends rushed to their feet and managed to catch up with him.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going, Key?”
“It’s Kibum. And it’s none of your business,”
The words actually came off as more of a crossover between a mutter and a mumble to Jinki, but whatever. He was going to get her back. And he was going to do it tonight.
Even if he had to puke on every single sidewalk he sees.
--
You’re so stupid, you idiot. I cannot believe you. Why the hell would you ask a question like that? Now, she’s going to think I’m clingy and controlling and I was expecting too much. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
But then, he thinks he might be doing something right because apparently he just asked her to be his and she just said yes.
“W-What?”
He wasn’t sure if he was dreaming or if he misheard her or something but he’ll take the kiss as a sign that he wasn’t and he didn’t. When she pulled away, he was too stunned to even blink.
“I thought you heard me yesterday. I said, “Wait, weren’t we together?” but you were too fast and you didn’t seem to have heard it,”
You’re so stupid, you idiot. Why didn’t you pay attention to what she was saying yesterday?
--
“I’m so stupid. So stupid. So…stupid…”
Jinki managed to catch him before he fell face first on the concrete floor. The streets were empty and had an eerie feel to it, but Kibum knew he was going in the right direction.
The second time he fell, his friends were too caught off guard to catch him, and he crashed and tumbled down, laughing while at it.
He took a deep breath and shouted her name and how he loved her and how stupid he was and everything that came with it. He repeated her name over and over and over and his friends couldn’t make him shut his mouth.
“What the , Key! It’s freakin’ 2am in the morning. Everyone’s asleep!”
But Jinki’s words were left unheard and he kept yelling till he was sure his throat ran dry.
--
It was cheesy, and corny, and too sickly sweet. And he was enjoying every minute of it.
The whole relationship with Amber was going far better than great. It was going spectacular, fantastic, phenomenal, and a whole lot more words in the dictionary that was better than the word “great”.
It’s cliché, he knows, but he could honestly say that he was luckiest guy in the world.
--
“My luck ,”
He was back on his feet and was going to continue to walk when Jinki grabbed him by the elbow, held his grip and turned him around so they were face to face.
“Let go of me,”
It was probably the coldest that he had ever talked to someone, but he didn’t have a care in the world. He was doing this. He wasn’t going to give up because his stupid friends think it’s a bad idea. To him, it was the most excellent idea in the world.
“Look, I may not have understood you well enough because you’re damn drunk and you talk like a bee just stung your tongue, but I do know that I’m not letting you go anywhere, Key. Not like this. It’s pointless. Why are you doing this?”
In all honesty, he knew exactly what the answer was. The thing is, he didn’t say it. Instead, he took his phone out of his pocket, and pressed 1.
--
When Kibum was a little kid, he didn’t care about love the slightest bit. But he knew, from others, that when you’re in love your heart beats like a thousand bass drums. When you’re in love, butterflies flutter all over your stomach, making you want to gag and faint at the same time. When you’re in love, time magically stops turning and every special moment seems like it could last forever.
But Kibum was a smart kid. He knew that love freakin’ hurt. He knew that it was ugly and complicated and frustrating.
Kibum was 18. Kibum was not stupid. Kibum knew every single thing you could know about love.
But when it came to Amber, he knew absolutely nothing. He didn’t how to act properly, think properly, and breathe properly. He was flustered and confused and clueless. He felt like a little kid again, learning his ABCs and 123s and he was failing every single test given to him.
But at the same time, he couldn’t be any surer of every single thing he did. He felt like himself (his real self). It felt amazing.
And he knew, right then, that most definitely was in love.
--
“What the hell are you doing, Key?”
It was abrupt, and he wasn’t sure how and why he did it, but he ended up doing something he least expected would happen.
“WHY CAN’T YOU ING GET IT? IT’S KIBUM. KIBUM. GET IT THROUGH YOUR DAMN HEADS! I MEAN, COME ON, IT’S NOT THAT HARD!!”
“Key” was actually what he tried so hard to defend before. He said, “Kibum” was too common, and he was anything but common. So he came up with Key.
And Taemin punched him. Long, hard, and it damn well hurt so bad (and everyone’s jaw dropped). He straightened his jaw and spit out blood, and prepared for another blow. Instead, Taemin grabbed his collar to look at him.
Kibum could see it. There was more sympathy than anger coursing through Taemin’s eyes. He understood.
“I can change her mind. If she sees I’m a wreck, she’ll take me back. Once I’m in front of her, she’ll come to her senses. You have to trust me,”
Taemin took a deep breath, let go of his collar, and looked at him straight.
“We’ll be here if you need us. You better make this worth it, because I know she is,”
He was the youngest, but out of the five of them, he was the only one who made sense.
--
“I love you,”
She stops on her tracks, turns on her heels, and looks at him like she had just seen a ghost. After a gruelling long pause, she musters the will to speak.
“W-What?”
There was a certain fright in her voice that made his heart drop. His fingers started shaking, but he took a deep breath and prepared to say it again.
“I said—”
“No, it’s okay. I heard it,”
He gulped down what felt like the biggest pill of medicine he had ever drunk. She didn’t say anything wrong, she didn’t say anything bad, and she didn’t say anything mean. So he really racked his brain as to why he felt like some damn thing was wrong.
That was it, actually. She didn’t say anything. NOTHING. At all.
It was then that he realized that yes, she did hear it.
But she didn’t say it back.
--
The dial tone was actually painful to hear. His heart was drumming inside of his chest when heard the familiar buzz. It was nerve-wracking, having to wait for someone to just freakin’ answer the damn phone.
Of course she was number one on his speed dial (like how she was number one in his heart). It wasn’t much of a shock.
“Hello?”
His heart, his brain, his lungs, every single nerve in his being literally stopped working that very moment. He opened and closed his mouth, trying to find the right words to say in his current drunk situation. It didn’t take him long to figure out what he needed to speak.
“I’m still in love with you,”
And he waited, and waited, and waited. He heard her breath hitch and he heard her breathe deep and sigh and she was trying to form some sort of vocabulary from .
But there was nothing. He heard nothing. And the familiar feeling hurt so much more than the first time.
--
“What do you mean?”
“I just...I can’t, Key. I’m doing something, and—”
“But I haven’t seen you all week,”
“I know. I just—I’m sorry,”
First: that was the first time ever that she had called him Key. He had always been Kibum. That’s when he knew something was wrong.
“Why are you avoiding me?”
“I’m not. I’m just really busy—”
“With what? And, busy? Every single time I ask you out, you’re busy. You’re avoiding me,”
“I’m busy, Key. Why can’t you get that? Why won’t believe me? Why—”
Second: She was avoiding him (she just didn’t notice it herself).
“Amber...was it because of what I said that other day?”
It took her a long time to answer, and he was on the verge of just giving up and taking back the words.
“No, of course not, it wasn’t that. It’s not that. I didn’t even mind—”
“I love you,”
“God, Key, stop cutting me off! Can you just let me finish what I say, just for once?”
“Amber,”
“What??”
“I love you,”
“Stop saying it!”
Third: he was at lost for words with what she just said.
“Why, Amber? Tell me why you don’t want to hear it,”
“Because I don’t!”
“Why not?? Tell me why you don’t want to say it back,”
“Because I don’t feel the same way!!”
Fourth: He didn’t even know anymore.
“You...”
“Key, no, that wasn’t what I meant. I didn’t—”
“IT’S KIBUM, AMBER! KIBUM,”
“I’m—”
Fifth: He turned off his phone and threw it to the wall, a little disappointed that he didn’t throw it hard enough for it to smash to pieces.
--
“Hey,”
Because you know, apparently, she broke his heart into a million tiny pieces a little over 3 weeks ago and she hasn’t been talking to him since and she told him he should move on and she didn’t feel the same way and all she could say was, you know.
“Hey,”
He answered back because his mind shut down on him.
“I know,”
She the lights to her room and he tried to walk carefully, looking for the stairs to the Fire Exit.
“Amber...”
“Kibum, don’t. Please,”
“I’m sorry. I just, I didn’t know what to do. I know you didn’t feel the same way because you still weren’t sure and it was a big word. And I know you didn’t know we’d get that serious so fast. But I really do, Amber. I just really do. You’re not like them. You’re perfect. And you’re amazing, and I’m a ing wreck without you,”
She inhaled deep and tried to stop the tears because she didn’t want him to hear her crying.
“I’m still in love with you,”
He repeats more clearly, to let it sink in.
“And,”
He knocks on her door, and she realized why his voice sounded so close. She had this feeling that she was hearing him, instead of his voice on the phone. And when she opened her door, she was stunned.
He looked like a complete mess. Lip was bleeding from Taemin’s punch, his eyes were red from all the sleepless nights thinking about her, his skin was nearly orange from the alcohol, and his clothes were messed up in all kinds of ways. But she didn’t care. Because what stunned her was the next words that came out of his mouth.
“I want you back,”
--
“You can’t do this,”
He knew something was up. He knew something was wrong in her voice when she called to meet him weeks after the fight. He knew he shouldn’t have showed up. He knew it was all going to go downhill from there.
But he chose not to know.
“Please, Key. Just do me this one little favour. I didn’t ask you for anything,”
“This is not the kind of thing you can just ask, Amber,”
His tears immediately started falling, and he didn’t care enough to hold them back. There was no way this was happening. He didn’t want to accept it.
“It’s easy, Key. You just have to move on. We should just end this. We’re kidding ourselves,”
“Are you ing kidding me? Just move on? It’s not that easy!”
And that’s when it hit him.
“But it’s easy for you. I get it. You just played me. That’s all I am to you. I’m nothing,”
She knows that wasn’t the case. Because he’s so important to her, he didn’t even know. He was the only person who made her feel this way. But she was 17, and she was unsure, and she didn’t know she just liked him a lot or if she loved him, and everything was all a blur. She just wanted it to stop.
“I didn’t know you were going to find out,”
The tears were welling up in her eyes, but she couldn’t let them fall. Instead, she stood up from her seat, and ran as far as she could until she reached her apartment. She thanked the heavens that her family was staying in the states and she was living alone. She wouldn’t have the guts to explain this to them.
And while she was crying her eyes out every single night in her apartment bedroom, he was drowning himself in alcohol every night without her. And since then, they’d both been a complete wreck.
Because the beautiful thing that they had? It was over. It was done. It was history.
--
She heard it. She heard his voice through the phone, while he was standing across from her, already in tears. And one of her heartstrings broke.
Both phones were forgotten on the floor, and they reached out for each others’ presence, causing Amber to bawl her eyes out to him, as she stained his shirt with her tears. They both held on. They both didn’t want to let go.
“I’m so sorry, Kibum. I just didn’t know what to do,”
She said between sobs, and he kept her hair to make her calm. She pulled away from his embrace and pulled him in for a kiss. It was gentle, and calming, and not at all forced and rushed. It was the kind of kiss that made her heart beat a million times faster.
“I’m sorry. For everything,”
He leaned his forehead against hers, and she nodded quickly.
“I want you back, Amber. I love you so much, you don’t even know,”
His whisper was so ghostly that it sent shivers down her spine, but all he was worried about was her answer.
He heard nothing, only her steady breathing and his heart thumping.
“I love you, more than you can even imagine,”
And he couldn’t stop himself from grabbing her by the waist and lifting her and shouting and screaming and laughing all at the same time, and she was confused at first, but she laughed anyway. She said it. He heard it. He couldn’t even explain how he felt.
She finally said it back. He was finally hers again. And they knew, what they had, it was far from being over.
And it was definitely far from being nothing.
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