November 17, I get a phone call. Sungmin dies early in the morning.

I thought our break up the first time was the worst pain, but boy was I wrong. This pain, this huge hole in my heart was the worst feeling. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breath without him by my side. I needed him. Life literally was moving while I was stuck in this moment... this depression. Sungmin was and had been my life since the first day I saw him in my freshman Chinese class. It made me so sad to think of all the expierence he would never have, all the expierence we lost. He wouldn’t have his 18th birthday, never vote, never go to prom, or see his football team make it to the playoffs, never get to gradute, he would never get so many things. but why? He didn’t deserve this, none of it. He deserved the world. He had given me everything I had in life. He filled my life with happiness, with worth.

I ached so much for him, his scent, his kisses, his hugs, his love, his voice, his hands, his everything. I couldn’t leave my house, couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t function without him. All i wanted, dreamed, and thought about was him.

And so slowly, day after day, month after month, I got stronger. I continued to live for Sungmin and our relationship continues, I visit him every week. I let him know what’s going on in my life and never forget to tell him I love him. He’s still the first person I run to when something happens. When I got into Seoul University, he found out first. When my cousin came to live with my family, he also knew. I buy him a lot of flowers, draw him pictures, write letters. I go to him for advice. He listens, like always so patiently. I visit our stairs every now and then. Often walking to our park and i read his last letter to me daily, hugging my big white bear he had given to me. I still am fully in love with Sungmin. He still means everything to me, and he is still my world. He still completes me as a person. He is still forever in my heart.