Note: I've changed the story a bit. Instead of forty years apart, its now twenty. I'm fickle :/

 

 

 

 

 

10^th November 2002

 

Wow everything has been so crazy! I can hardly keep up with life at the

moment. I've – we've – all been so busy. Everyone is so wonderful. I'm happy

to have met all of them. We have our début in December so we've been

practising like crazy so that our performance is good. Yunho is an amazing dancer.

Like really amazing. I have never seen anyone so good. When I watch him I feel like

I get lost. Like there is no one else in the room but him dancing...... But maybe I

should concentrate more on practising myself......

 

 

 

Yunho laughed at the cuteness of Jaejoong's writing. He had noticed him watching but had just figured that he was just doing it so that he could learn the dance moves better. That he'd had such an effect was entirely oblivious to him. The entries previous to this one had been detailing more about pre début, stirring up memories within Yunho. Not entirely unwelcome one, and not ones he'd chosen to forget, just ones that had eroded with time. Despite the difficulties that came with being trained up to be the next big thing, they were probably the happiest time of his musical career. Stressful, but some how care free.

 

 

5^th December 2012

 

I'm struggling. I don't know if I can do it. Its so tiring and I find it hard to

remember the dance moves. Everyone else is so good I worry that I'm not

good enough..... Manager took me aside the other day and warned me, told me I

had to improve or they would get rid of me, said they have many more ready to

take my place. I don't know what I can do.

 

 

 

6^th December 2012

 

I was crying today and Yunho found me. I really should be more careful. He

kept pestering me wanting to know what was wrong. I had no choice but to tell

him, he is so persistent! Said he wouldn't let me leave the room. I told him about

how I am struggling with the dance moves and he said he would help me and that I

could always go to him if I need help with the dance. This made me feel a bit better.

But then I started to tell him about what manager hyung had said and couldn't

hold my tears back. I'm such a baby. It was the first time I hd ever spoken to anyone

about it so I couldn't control myself..... Then he hugged me. He hugged me so

suddenly and tightly and I felt like everything was suddenly better. Like I was

floating. I've never felt like that before...... He kept hugging me until I stopped

crying - which wasn't long. I didn't know someone could be so magic.......

I felt like I was home.

 

 

 

Taken aback by what he had just read, Yunho placed the diary down on the table and stared ahead of him, eyebrows furrowed. He'd completely forgotten about that day but reading about it now brought the whole thing back. He remembered how he'd walked into the dorm after being out for food to find Jaejoong curled up on the sofa crying. The image of his eyes with his eyelashes heavy with tear-drops and the tell-tale swelling signalling he'd been crying for a long time. His heart ached for him then and ached once again as he was brought up to speed with how long he'd been suffering in silence, worrying about something that he could have solved far quicker if he had just been informed. The feel of his body in his arms came back to him too. His fragile frame shaking with the tears, then becoming still as he hushed and gently rocked him.

 

Compelled on by Jaejoong's words, he read more.

 

 

10^th December 2002

 

Yunho kept his word, he helped me. He's such a good teacher, so patient with me.

But in all honesty it was hell! I don't even know how I was able to concentrate!

He kept looking at me really deeply like he could see into my brain. Then when he

made me repeat the dance move for him – so he could check I was doing it right, or

whatever – I felt like I was going to die. So embarrassing! He's an amazing

dancer and I'm no good. I almost didn't feel worthy to have him watching! I

swear my face turned ten shades redder that day! I'm blushing again just thinking

about it while I'm writing this....

 

 

 

Almost spitting his coffee out all over the diary, Yunho could hardly believe what he had just read. Was this thing for real? He could recall Jaejoong being a bit dorky, but not this much.

 

 

 

26^th December 2002

 

It was our début performance tonight!! It went amazingly! I felt like I

was going to faint just before I went on but it was brilliant. Everyone looked so

handsome and performed well. Oh yeah. The song is called 'Hug'. Its really sweet. Just

before we went on, we stood in a circle with our arms around each other with our

eyes closed. I guess we were collecting out thoughts before going out. Calming our

nerves. It sort of worked but as soon as we separated, Yunho came up to me and put

his hand on my shoulder and told me that I'm going to be great and that I should

just have confidence in myself. I guess he could sense how I was feeling. Despite almost

turning me into a bowl of red jelly, it did make me feel confident, like I'd just had

an adrenaline shot. Why would that simple gesture do that?

 

When we'd finished the performance we all went back stage. I could hardly

contain myself. Non of us could. Yoochun and Junsu were in a tight hug from pretty

much the moment that we had stepped off the stage. Yunho hugged our maknae

Changmin. He looked like he was going to faint.... bless him. I was just about to sit

down when Yunho let got of Changmin and came over to me. I could feel my cheeks

reddening straight away. He smiled at me and told me that he was right, he knew

I would do well. Then he hugged me. My second hug from Yunho. My heart felt so full

that I thought it was going to burst.......

 

I'm so glad that I am with these people.

 

 

 

There is a moment in people's lives when the smoke clears, making things shine brighter than ever before. Causing things that at first seemed so straightforward and innocent to be painted an entirely different shade. This was one of those moments and Yunho could say that he didn't like where it appeared to be going. Through this diary, he was realising that seeing things through someone else's eyes changes everything. What seemed to him like completely innocent actions were evidently not. He was entirely oblivious to the situation that had been unfolding before him.

 

Maybe he should just stop reading. Admittedly, he was enjoying the flood of memories that were being triggered, but he couldn't help feeling like a dirty voyeur into someone else's hidden life. He was reading things he was never meant to read. Learning things he was never meant to know.

 

Before he knew it, the day had passed and it was evening time. Closing the diary, he carefully piled all the notebooks back up and put them away into the box in which they had made their way to him in.

 

He tried to busy himself with cooking something to eat but his thoughts were a flood with the memories of Jaejoong. For the first time in years, he wanted to know where he was. Since the second split, Jaejoong had pretty much completely disappeared off the face of the earth, with a rare photo of him surfacing every now and then. After a while, either the paparazzi had lost interest in him or he had stopped coming out into public entirely. Either way, there hadn't been a new picture of him is roughly fifteen years.

 

Not able to concentrate on making anything to eat, he sat himself back down at his table. He couldn't get Jaejoong out of his mind. Reaching for the letter that came with the notebooks again, he opened it and took the paper out. This time, to his surprise, another bit of paper fell out with it; a smaller piece. On it, in the neat handwriting he recognised to be the same as the writing in the letter, was a phone number and the the short message: 'In case curiosity gets the better of you'. Placing it down, he recovered the letter again and, carefully unfolding it, re read it. 'I also feel that, in a way, they belong to you.' They belong to me.....

 

Looking at the bit of paper with the number on, he had to admit that his curiosity was building. Alongside it was an intense feeling that he wanted to speak to Jaejoong. That he needed to speak to him. Picking the paper up again, he studied the number. Maybe this is his number, he pondered. Without even properly considering the implications that would come with it, Yunho reached for his mobile phone and pressed the number into the keypad and started to dial. Listening to the shrill ringing, he contemplated what he would say. What could you say to someone you haven't spoken to for forty years? 'Hi, how's life been?' He knew he had nothing to say, he just had an overwhelming urge to speak to him.

 

While he was thinking this, someone picked up on the other end.

 

“Hello?” answered a soft female voice, laced with the strings of old age.

 

Yunho's words stuck in his throat, refusing to move. As quickly as he had dialled the number, he hung up the phone. He had acted without thinking, the realisation of what he had done hitting him as soon as he heard the woman's voice. 'What was I thinking? The last thing he'll want is to speak to me....... too much time has passed.'

 

Eyeing the box, he made the decision that he wouldn't read any more. He would just let sleeping memories lie.

 

*

 

Sleep was proving elusive. Yunho laid awake staring at the shadows formed on his wall of trees that danced in the wind as they blocked out the light that was streaming though his open curtains. It was the middle of summer, but he felt as cold as if it was winter.

 

 

 

He had promised himself that he would read no more and had stuck to it but now, laying in his cold, empty bed he could feel the strong magnetism of the diaries as they called for him to read them.

 

The feelings they generated within him were a mixed bag of varying shades of happiness and sadness, but mainly that of nostalgia. It was that nostalgia that compelled him to read more. That was all well and good, but in the end, nostalgia was all it was and all it would ever be. The happiness it brought as it dredged up forgotten memories of the past also brought with it a bitter sadness that laid hidden, seeping into all the memories like a poison, turning them sour. He couldn't feel one emotion without feeling the other.

 

He turned his body over to face the source of the shadows, pulling the bed sheets up close to his neck.

 

After laying stoic for another twenty minutes, he gave in to his inner urges. Climbing out of bed he shuffled his feet into his slippers and across his bedroom floor and out of the room.

 

When back in his kitchen, he brewed himself a coffee, recovering the box with the diaries in and placing them on his kitchen table as he waited for the water in the kettle to boil. Feeling the cold seeping into his skin again, he recovered a blanket from a sofa in his living room and promptly wrapped it around his shoulders. Water boiled, he poured it into the coffee/sugar mixture in his cup, stirred and made his way to the kitchen table where the diaries waited patiently.

 

Extending his arm towards the box he opened it and removed the first diary, opening it to the page where he left off. Taking a moment to calm his thoughts before delving back into it, he rubbed his eyes with his palms.

 

 

 

15^th January 2003

 

Oh my gosh! I am so bad at keeping a diary. It has been so long

since I last wrote in this. I don't really know why I am even bothering!

Anyway. Wow it has been hectic. We haven't stopped since I last wrote in

this. We had a couple of days rest after our debut performance, but then

after that, it was crazy! Countless fan-signings, performances and

appearances on shows. I knew we were going to be busy, but maybe I

didn't prepare myself enough. That's probably why I've been neglecting to

write in this. There is just no time! At the moment, it is two in the

morning and I am laid on my bed with my head under the sheets,

using my phone for a light so I can see where I am writing. Yunho

is asleep in the bed right next to OH yeah I completely forgot to

mention! We all moved rooms. Junsu and Yoochun decided one day

that they wanted to share a room so they asked Yunho – since he is the

leader it is up to him - and he said yes. Taking this opportunity, Changmin

said he wanted to be in a room on his own...... I think he likes to keep

food in there, so he doesn't want to share rooms in case they find his stash.

I lived with him before and I am sure I could hear munching sounds coming

from his bed........I now share a room with Yunho. Its okay because he is

really tidy. He doesn't snore either, just light breathing. Its quite soothing to

listen to as I'm falling to sleep. I can hear him now......

Its making me sleepy now.......

 

 

 

Yunho remembered the exact day that they had all switched rooms. He was originally with Yoochun and Junsu was on his own. They had come to him together and practically begged to share rooms. They had bonded instantly as soon as they met so it was only natural for them to want to share rooms. Junsu also complained about nightmares, saying he would feel better sharing a room with someone else so that, if he woke up afraid in the middle of the night, there would be someone there to comfort him. Looking back now, the spark of the budding relationship as lovers was crystal.

 

 

 

25^h January 2003

 

Good morning! Its eight o'clock at the moment. I have just had my

breakfast. I have all morning off! I should be asleep really, taking the

opportunity to rest but I can't sleep. I think it's because its my last day of being

sixteen. I'm quite excited but at the same time a bit sad. I always feel filled with

regret at turning a year older. I know I'm only young and shouldn't worry about age

but I can't help it somehow. Time is always on my mind....... Yunho is still asleep.

I'm at the kitchen table writing this time. Oh wait, I think I've just heard him........

 

 

 

Jaejoong's seventeenth birthday. That was a memorable one for Yunho as, looking older than he actually was, he had managed to buy a bottle of wine for them to drink. They were under-age and it was entirely forbidden, but he was sneaky about it, waiting for everyone to go to bed before he got it out for them to drink. He had drank before, but Jaejoong had never. During they day they had had schedule then when they got back to the dorm, they had surprised Jaejoong with a cake that they had all haphazardly tried to bake, ending up with more cake mixture on the floor and over the sides than what was actually used for the cake. Jaejoong had been so overwhelmed by the gesture that he had cried, hugging each and every one of them until they were blue in the face, except himself who just received a brief one. Admittedly he had been slightly peeved at the time, but just brushed it off, putting it down to being due to him being the leader.

 

Changmin's hands had to be slapped away several times before they had even lit the candles but after they had been blown out, there was no stopping him. He was already attacking the cake, cutting and claiming a large slab for himself which he ate like a wild beast. Jaejoong just laughed at him.

 

Exhausted from the days schedules, they all had some cake, gave Jaejoong presents and made their way to bed. When in their bedroom, Yunho had pulled the bottle of wine out from under his bed. Yunho smiled to himself remembering how wide Jaejoong's eyes grew upon seeing the bottle. He had quizzed him on where he had got it from and was reluctant to have any at first, but Yunho soon persuaded him otherwise. If his memory serves, Jaejoong didn't take that much coaxing before he gave in. Sneaking into the kitchen, Yunho recovered two glasses then tiptoed back into their shared room and promptly poured each of them a glass of the wine. He wished him happy birthday again before they clinked their classes together and took they first sip of the fizzy, sour tasting wine. Recalling Jaejoong's face as he took that first mouthful caused Yunho to laugh. His face scrunched up as the fizz spread in his mouth, then his head shook a little as he swallowed it down. The Yunho back then had laughed too.

 

“Do you not like it?” he had asked, eliciting a quick shake of the head. In retrospect, Jaejoong didn't like it at all, he was probably just being over polite. He drank all he was given though.

 

An hour later, the bottle was empty and two tipsy men sat on Yunho's bed, giggling at the most inane things. Yunho could remember having to grab a hold of Jaejoong several times as he nearly fell off the bed because he was flailing his arms around so animatedly. He also remembered how the night had turned sour as Jaejoong's laughter faded away into silent tears that slid down his cheeks, creating streaks in his schedule make-up. Yunho was soon let into the knowledge that it was his first birthday being away from his family and it was hitting him really hard. Yunho realised that he had been trying to cover it all day, but now that he was tipsy from the wine, his façade was cracking away piece by piece. Not knowing what to do, Yunho – for the second time – found himself cradling a crying Jaejoong. He comforted him the best he could in his inexperienced arms, gently rocking him and his hair. It was imperfect, but at the same time absolutely perfect. After a while the crying ceased, giving way to the gentle breathing of sleep. Carefully, Yunho pulled the covers back on his bed an lowered Jaejoong onto his pillows, pulling the covers over him. Brushing the hair off his face, he whispered a quiet goodnight.

 

This was a perfect example of how he happy memories came laced with sadness. Taking a moment to calm his emotions by taking a long drink of his coffee, Yunho turned the page. The next entry was about Jaejoong's birthday. He had practically relived he whole night without even reading about it.

 

 

27^th January 2003

 

What can I say about yesterday? It was interesting to say the least.

After being at schedule all day, we got back and everyone had baked me

a cake for my birthday! I was so overwhelmed I couldn't contain it! I ended

up crying and hugging everyone but once I had hold of them, I didn't want

to let go. I think I may have momentarily stopped their breathing..... But not

Yunho..... When I got to him to give him a hug, I froze up slightly. A

nervousness came over me and all I could give him was a pathetic

little hug. I hope he didn't take offence.

The cake was delicious! When we had all eaten we went to bed, or

at least I though I was going to bed. When me and Yunho got

into our bedroom, he pulled out a bottle of wine. He said that

he had managed to buy it despite being under-age. I was so shocked.

I've never drank alcohol before so I wasn't going to have any but Yunho

convinced me and since he had gone though the trouble of buying it

an sneaking it into the dorm, I couldn't say no. It tasted awful! Yuck!

Saying that I drank half the bottle! I wish I hadn't. At first it was fun, I just

felt really happy and giggly and I kept nearly falling off the bed. Yunho kept

catching me though, and I swear I could feel my cheeks warming

and a fit of giggles rising every time. But then I remembered my

family and started to feel upset. Its my first birthday without them and

I had been feeling sad all day, but with the wine in me, it felt harder

to cover it up. Once the first tears fell, it was uncontrollable. I felt so

ridiculous. Yunho was lovely though, he cuddled me again and

swayed me softly form side to side. Maybe a little too roughly, but it

worked. I didn't stop crying straight away, but it helped. It was just what I

needed. His arms have the strange feeling of home to me, like being cuddled

by someone who can keep you entirely safe and fix everything. I think I

must have fallen asleep because when I woke up this morning, I was in his

bed but I can't remember getting into it. It smells like him...... I'm writing this

after I have just woken up. Yunho is asleep..... He has long eyelashes.

 

 

Once again, Yunho stopped reading being shocked by how different a situation can be from a different point of view. What was simple to him was laced with feeling for someone else. He knew now that, no matter how hard this was going to be to read, he had to read it all the way to the end. Curiosity had burrowed into his brain and spider had begun to weave a web over his heart. He also felt that he somehow, no matter how intrusive, he owed it to Jaejoong to read the rest.

 

Placing the diary down on the table, he went to brew himself more coffee. It was going to be a long night.......