I don’t know why, but I look down to avoid Khun Sam's gaze. Her friends look at each other first and then at me while I don't notice.

“The food hasn’t arrived yet, huh? Did they go hunting for sea urchins now?”

“You're too impatient P.P. We ordered a lot, of course we have to wait longer than usual.” P'Kate responds to calm her down. Khun Sam remains restless and throws a glance my way.

“Are you hungry?”

“I’m not.”

Before anyone could speak again, the restaurant staff brought the food. The table is full of delicious dishes. It is worth taking pictures for social networks. They all take their smartphones out and take pictures to post online, everyone except for Khun Sam.

“Don’t you want to take pictures, Khun Sam?”

“Why would I do that?"

“Mon, P.P. doesn’t do these things. The only thing she does is eat. By the way, you better update your social accounts, or the fans who follow you will be disappointed… Smile for the camera, P.P.”

My boss’ serious face says she’s annoyed, but she still smiles at the camera. Since I met Khun Sam, I saw her smile only once in the office and that smile terrified the entire team. She’s now smiling the exact same way.

A fake smile. So different from 10 years ago.

“Right. I will post the photos first.”

Khun Sam’s photos are posted. I pull out my smartphone to see her pictures on Instagram. I wonder why the photos were posted on Khun Sam’s account, since P'Kate was the one who took it with her own smartphone.

And Khun Sam hasn’t touched her smartphone yet.

“How come you have access to Khun Sam’s account?”

P'Kate responds without even looking at me as she is already enjoying the food.

“I run her Instagram account.”

“Huh?”

“Do you follow her account? Don't. It’s all fake. I am the one who posts everything.”

I blink my eyes in surprise. It’s hard to understand. P'Tee who notices my confusion, tries to explain.

“P.P. does not know how to use social networks. She only uses Line, which she created herself to chat with us. Also, we manage her other accounts because she needs to be online. Notice how on her Instagram account, there's mostly work related posts and not much personal things. By the way, all the information about her in magazines is false.”

Electric shock...

I look at Khun Sam. She raises her eyebrow.

“What is it?”

“Everything you said in magazines...?”

“It’s all fake.”

Double shock! Okay, my head is blank now. I’m trying to understand everything that just happened. I followed her life online and gathered all the information I could read in magazines but now I discover that everything I have ever learned about her is fake. I need to reset everything.

“I’m completely confused.” I’m shaking my head like I’m trying to relocate the information I just received. “You mean, nothing you said is true?”

“I don’t want to tell anyone about my personal life. I don’t understand why they would want to know if I prefer cats or dogs, what my favourite colour is or what my dreams are? What do they get out of it?”

“Our P.P. lives in a bubble. They just want to know about your life for inspiration or example.”

I barely hear what they’re saying, I’m still stunned by the 10 years of false information I’ve collected. All of it is worthless now. Nothing is real. What’s happening?

“So, you don’t like red, you don’t have want to have a kindergarten school and you don’t like R&B music, is that correct?”

They all look at each other because it looks like I’m going to freak out at any moment. P'Tee nudges me as if to get my mind to return to the real world.

“Are you okay, Mon?"

“Where did you get that information?” I don’t answer P'Tee and fix my hair. What have I believed in for so long?

“We created a character for her. We wanted people to know that she is cool. I’m the one who likes red.” P'Kate raises her hands in surrender.

“I'm the one would like to have a kindergarten school.” P'Tee answers before pointing at P'Jim.

“I like R&B music… Oh… and I like cats. P.P. prefers dogs.”

Khun Sam looks at me carefully while I'm still trying to process it all.

“You know a lot about me. Oh, I forgot you’re my fan.”

“Yes, I’m your fan. So it’s surprising to me that all of this isn’t true.”

I answer honestly without hesitation because I’m still shocked. P'Kate looks at me before asking.

“Mon, why are you so interested in P.P.?”

“Khun Sam is my idol and my inspiration in life.” I answer her. I bring my hands up and cover my face in shame for actually knowing absolutely nothing. “I'm so shocked, I can't.”

“Your idol? As in?”

P'Tee and P'Jim ask me with much interest. Khun Sam, who is next to me, takes my hands away from my face.

“Answer clearly. Look at people in the eyes when you talk to them.” I look at Khun Sam and swallow down hard.

“You’ve been my role model since I was in fourth grade.”

“Huh?” Khun Sam looks surprised. “Fourth grade?”

“Yes, I was impressed by you a long time ago and I’ve followed your life ever since. All the interviews you gave to magazines, I cut them up and collected them."

"..."

"What did you study? Which college? I had you as my role model so I studied seriously. I started reading books in fourth grade since I wanted to go to the same college as you even though it was very difficult and I worked so hard for that.”

“Did you get in?” P'Tee asks excitedly. I nodded my head vigorously in response.

“I managed. I did get in.”

“Why are you so into P.P.? There are so many actresses out there. Why her?” P'Jim seems more enthusiastic than the others. She rushes over to sit next to me, as if she won’t hear me from where she is sat.

“She smiled at me when we were young.”

“P.P. smiled at you? Our P.P.?” P'Kate is baffled, as is Khun Sam.

“When?”

“When I was in fourth grade. Khun Sam probably doesn't remember. That day, she was carrying a dog named Tiger in her arms when she went to see my mother. She was crying because she couldn’t take him home. My mother was a janitor.”

“I remember.” Khun Sam looks at me in shock. “Wait! Are you that girl?”

“Yes. It is me. You smiled at me and pat my head gently. I will never forget that. I’ve been in awe of you since that moment.” I look at Khum Sam, whose beautiful face is now looking so shocked, unlike her usual dead expression. “And I’m losing it because the only thing I ever believed in was that I knew you. I thought I knew you well. More than anyone else, but everything I know is a lie.”

Khun Sam looks me in the eyes after hearing the whole truth and raised her hands to her chest. It must have been out of surprise, but she suddenly fell off her chair with a loud thud.

“P.P.!” P'Tee jumps to help her friend up and laughs afterwards. “What's wrong with you?”

“Are you hurt, Khun Sam?”

I reached out to take Khun Sam's hand but she smacks my hand away. Even if it wasn’t strong, it was enough to stop me. The gang is looking at each other and smiling strangely, especially P'Kate.

“Wow. You two are interesting.”

The lunch ended after P'Jim distributed her wedding cards, everyone then went home. Khun Sam and I are now walking side by side, but we’re silent. I am not over what happened earlier, but I do not feel shocked anymore. Strangely, I started feeling ashamed because of everything I said. I talked too much.

She will blame me for trying to befriend her.

“Khun Sam."

"..."

Khum Sam doesn’t say anything, she just looks at me as she puts her hands in the pockets of her jacket.

"You like the colour grey, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

The ever so serious woman answers me promptly and goes back to being silent. At least I now know that she doesn’t like the colour red. This is one real fact about her that I can't find in magazines. I discovered that myself.

“It means that all this time I didn’t know anything about you.”

“It doesn't matter. In time, you will find out what I like and what I dislike.”

My heart suddenly swells upon hearint that. It's as if Khun Sam is letting me enter her private world, just like that.

“Mon.”

Khun Sam rarely calls me by my nickname, making me feel embarrassed. I turn around to look at her.

“Yes.”

She stops walking, looks at me closely and measures my height with her hand.

“You grew up a lot."

“Hm.”

“But only this much? You’re still a shortie.”

“We are the same height.”

“What do you mean? I am 161 cm tall. The little girl you were has grown up into a young woman.” She smiles and looks at me kindly. “You should have told me you were Aunt Phon’s daughter since day one.”

“I didn’t want to be too friendly since you told me not to. Even when I brought you medicine and stayed to look after you, you blamed me for trying to get close to you and you said it was a bad thing.”

"I didn't say that at all."

"It sure seemed like you thought that, so I chose to stay quiet." I suddenly remembered something and pulled a picture our of my purse. It’s the picture of Tiger my mom took for Khun Sam. “Here. My mom printed it and told me to show it to you.”

She takes the photo of Tiger and smiles as soon as her eyes land on it.

Pit-a-pat.

Pit-a-pat.

My heart beats erratically, so much that I have to look away out of bashfulness. Her smile at that moment is the same as the one from 10 years ago. It’s not the smile I saw in magazines or when we were with her friends.

“How is he?”

“He is no longer with us.”

She goes silent, takes a breath and lets out a deep sigh.

“Of couse, it has been more than a decade. At least he had someone to take care of him.”

“Yes. I was very close to him. Whenever I looked at him, I was reminded of you.”

“Do I look like a dog?”

What a great comedian! Ever since last night’s mother crab story.

“He symbolised you. Whenever I saw him, it reminded me of your smile and your kindness for him.”

“Why are you so obsessed with me?”

She wasn’t looking at me when she asked this question, as if she was feeling flustered. Which I can understand, I would feel that way too if I knew someone was obssessed with me.

“If I were a guy, I would already be hitting on you.”

Khun Sam hid her face in her hands but kept peeking at me through her fingers.

“Turn around.”

“Why?”

“Don't look at me. Walk ahead.”

“What is it?

“If you don’t walk ahead, I will cut your salary.”

So capricious. I don’t answer anything but lead the way to her house. When we’re almost there, she speaks up again.

“I know you like pink.”

“Huh?” I look at her with a puzzled look. “What did you say?”

“You just learned that I like the colour grey. And I found out that you like pink. We’re even. It’s fair.”

“…”

“Slowly, we will learn about each other.”

Then, she walks into her house without another word, leaving me speechless behind.

Why does my heart beat so loudly when I am around her?