green tea with honey

It wasn’t unusual for Yongsun to be the first person in the studio. The apartment she shared with her older sister was only a few streets away from the Seoul Arts Center so it was easier to incorporate an early morning walk into her warm-up rather than spending money on a cab. 

Flipping on the lights and depositing her bag and jacket to the side, she tapped on the warm-up playlist on her phone, plugged her earbuds in and began stretching in-front of the mirror. She had debated tying on her practice tutu to save time before the class but eventually decided against it; it was easier to stretch in just her tank top and tights after all. This was why she felt more than heard the next person come in.

Her heart jumped in her ribcage at the feel of a warm pair of hands brushing lightly against her midriff before settling naturally on her upper back, pressing her into the stretch so that her face was already squishing against the floor.

She straightened and swatted the hands away, removing one earbud just in time to hear Moon Byulyi’s warm chuckles echoing across the empty dance studio. “Stop your teasing.”

“You love it, Unnie.” The other girl replied easily, holding out a takeaway cup of what looked like hot green tea and honey. Her favorite. Yong put up the token amount of resistance before mumbling her thanks and accepting the drink. Beside her, Byulyi was settling down with what looked like black tea.

Without thinking, Yong offered the other earbud to Byul after she sat down, lowering the volume of the music on her phone to a more comfortable range for the both of them. They did their stretches together like that, every now and then one of them pausing to take a sip of tea. Byul was also just in a tank top and tights and against the harsh studio lights, the pale gray of her clothes only served to highlight the subtle pinks in her skin. 

Yong was entranced by the contrast and despite herself she felt go dry. She took another sip of her tea, focusing on the way it burned a line of heat down to her stomach.

“Do you remember that time you, me, Wheein, and Hyejin first did the Dance of the Cygnets together?” Byul asked, her voice going soft. Yong focused her gaze elsewhere and ended up on the gold ring resting on Byul’s middle finger. That had been a mistake. Now she wanted to reach out and grasp Byul’s hand until the cool metal of the ring warmed under her skin.

“The applause had been the loudest I’d ever heard it.” Yong said instead.

Byul sighed and leaned back, pointing both toes before swinging her legs open into a perfect split. “Now here we are,” Byul said to the ceiling. Yong just sighed and finished the last dregs of her tea. The ring was now gleaming under the lights, taunting, almost. 

“Byul-ah, I’ve been thinking about--”

The last part of her sentence was drowned out in the whirlwind that was the rest of the company arriving. Yong turned to look at Byul but she could see that the other woman had already stood to run over to Hyejin and Wheein, the two younger girls already excitedly looking around the dance studio. 

“Hey,” a voice to her left said. She turned the other way to see Eric Nam holding out a hand to help her up. Yong smiled and accepted. “I know I didn’t get a chance last night, but I just wanted to tell you not to worry about what happened.” He said with an easy smile. 

Yong kept her smile up even as she pulled her hand away, “Thanks, it really and I’m sorry you had to go through that too.”

“I heard from the Director that they’ll be drilling us on it later,” Eric said, a wry smile quirking up one corner of his smile, “Should be fun right?” His sarcasm was plain.

Yong’s eyes slid back to where Byul was talking with Wheein and Hyejin. They were already in their pointe shoes, stretching by the barre. “Right” she replied, with a brief chuckle, “please excuse me, I’m going to start getting ready.”

She managed to take a spot right next to Byul, on the other side of the barre just as the Instructor entered. She caught the other girl’s eye and the playful smirk about her lips. Yong puffed out her cheeks and made a funny face, but she couldn’t help the way her eyes focused on how Byul placed her hand just slightly nearer hers than was necessary. Near enough for their pinkies to brush against one another’s throughout the whole class. 

During class, Byul’s ring would flash and gleam depending on how it hit the light. Whenever she caught Byul’s eye, there would be brief moments, spaces in between the Instructor counting out the rhythm of their routine, that she would see glimpses of burning intensity that set her heart hammering out of time with the Instructor’s counts. It would vanish in the space of the next beat but the feeling it left remained.

When the class was over, everyone was flushed and sweating, hastily gulping down water as the Ballet Master called out the room assignments for the different rehearsals. Wheein and Byul were both in Coppelia together, meanwhile the rest of the company was staying in the main dance studio to rehearse Sleeping Beauty again for the show that evening.

While Yong was fishing out her practice tutu from her bag, she felt a flutter of fingers run against the slick of sweat on her back. The motion sent a shiver down her spine and Yong looked up just in time to see Byul and Wheein walking away with the rest of the Coppelia dancers. On her side, Byul’s left hand was clenched in a tight fist. 

chocolates

The girl beside her in the waiting room was rummaging around in her bag frantically. Every few seconds she would grunt in frustration or mutter curses under her breath. A glance at bare feet in rubber slippers told Yongsun everything she needed to know. 

Making it as a ballerina was cut throat enough, but trying to get into the Korean National Ballet company almost seemed like an impossibility. Still, it didn’t take more than a split second of indecision before Yongsun fished out the spare pair of pointe shoes she had in her gym bag and offered it to the other young woman.

“Here,” Yong said softly, nudging the other woman’s arm with the tip of the shoe. 

The young woman beside her started, staring at Yongsun with wide eyes for a few beats before looking down at the offered shoes. 

“I noticed your feet were uh--” Yong stammered, not really sure what to say now that she had the other woman’s undivided attention. 

She was pretty, this other young woman, with striking features and bright eyes. Yong felt a blush creep up the tips of her ears and she had to look away under the force of that gaze. Still, she felt the pointe shoes slip from her fingers and heard a soft, mumbled thank you beside her. Yong nodded in acknowledgement.

She kept her eyes trained on the ground, catching as the young woman deftly slipped the pointe shoes on, tying the satin ribbons tight around her bare ankles and then pointing and flexing her toes to get a feel for them. 

“That’s a relief,” Yong heard the woman say, “Your feet are so dainty, I wasn’t sure my huge stompers would fit into your shoes.” 

She looked back to find the woman smiling at her, lips quirked up into a smirk. Yong felt the blush return full force, “That’s very forward of you,” Yong said.

The woman fished a small packet of chocolates from her bag and offered it to Yong, “Moon Byulyi,” she said.

Yong accepted and smiled, feeling some of the pre-audition jitters lift off her shoulders. “Kim Yongsun.”

When the auditions ended, Yong had an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach that had everything to do with the fact that she had just finished her auditions with several other girls who seemed just as, if not more so, qualified than her.

She was making her way towards the exits when she felt a hand tap at her shoulder, it was the girl from earlier--Moon Byulyi. She had been sorted into a different batch so they didn’t get to do their auditions together. There was a hesitant smile on her face.

“Hey, how did it go for you?”

Still uneasy and insecure from her audition, Yong frowned. “You shouldn’t speak so informally to me you know. For all you know I could be older than you.”

Moon Byulyi let out a bright laugh. “No way that’s true, you look much younger.” The last part she said with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, and despite herself Yong felt a smile curl up her lips.

“I gave it my all,” Yong said, “but so did everyone else in my group, so who knows? What about you?”

The other girl shrugged, “It’s out of my hands now. Anyway, I wanted to ask you out to eat. You know, for lending me the shoes and saving my audition.”

She was supposed to meet up with her sister for dinner to tell her all about the audition, and then spend the rest of the night stretching at home but she smiled at Moon Byulyi instead and nodded, “Sure, and since I saved your audition, you should probably be the one to pay.”

Later that night they found out that Yong was, in fact, older, but just by a year. Later on in the week Yong found out she had been accepted into the Korean National Ballet Company. On her first day, she didn’t bother hiding the fact that she was looking for Byulyi, so when her eyes landed on the girl, smiling at her from the barre, Yong smiled back.

tanghulu

After the encore and the applause and the curtains had been drawn and the theater closed for the night. Yong crept into the main dance studio to cry. 

The show had gone smoothly, actually, from her first pas de bourree right up until the last lift of her pas de deux, where she had been too slow in the placement of her leg and ended up toppling to the stage just as she was meant to pose.

Even as the applause roared at the end of the show, she could see Ballet Director glaring at her off-stage, and beside her, Eric was struggling to keep his smile in place. Still, Yong held her head high, dutifully bowing and smiling. Accepting the sympathetic looks from the rest of the company and the short sermon from the DIrector after.

Now that everyone was gone, she could finally cry. 

She wasn’t alone for long though. The moment she heard the studio door open she gave out a small yelp. “Who’s there?” Yong said, voice still thick and raw from crying.

When Byul approached, she didn’t bother saying anything, she just sat down beside Yong and gently pulled her into a hug. Yong stiffened in the other girl’s arms for a moment, a familiar heat creeping up her neck all the way to the tips of her ears before she  relaxed into the embrace and buried her face into Byul’s shoulder, another fresh round of sobs racking against her ribs.

Even while she was crying, she could feel the exact moment when Byul’s arms tightened around her, and if she focused just enough, she could feel where Byul’s gold ring was pressed against the skin of her shoulder.

When she had finally cried herself dry, Byul’s entire left shoulder was damp and smeared with what was left of Yong’s stage makeup. 

“It’s silly,” Yong said, the words mumbled against Byul’s hoodie. “I know there isn’t any use in crying but I can’t bring myself to stop.”

“It’s not silly,” Byul said, but didn’t expound further. Yong felt the younger girl shift slightly, reaching around with the arm that wasn’t wrapped around her. There was the familiar crinkle of plastic and Yong looked up to see a bag full of strawberry tanghulu being situated between them.

“What’s all this?” Yong asked, peering into the bag and then looking up at Byul, who was already opening popping a large strawberry in , her cheeks puffing out at the action. In the silence of the empty dance studio, the sound of crystallized sugar cracking in Byul’s mouth seemed exceptionally loud.

“Midnight snack,” was all the other girl said.

“Too much sugar is bad for us,” Yong said, reaching into the bag anyway and pulling out her own tanghulu stick. “I bet these would be better if they were coated in chocolate.”

Byul crinkled her nose. “Probably. But I prefer this.”

Yong stared at Byul, in the mostly dark dance studio, there was an almost ethereal glow to her face. It’s been almost ten years since the day they first met. Nearly a decade of Byul waiting up for her after shows or practice even when she didn’t have to. Of the two of them holding entire conversations with just a look. In the darkness with just the two of them, Yong could sense how close they were to the precipice of something. The air between them charged with meaning.

Yong put down the wrapped tanghulu and looked Byul straight in the eye, “I prefer this too.”

There was silence for a few beats, then Byul put down her own tanghulu stick in order to wipe that last few errant tears from Yong’s face. It was the hand that wore her ring. Yong felt that same hand run down the length of her arm before Byul laced their fingers together.

The soft chink of metal between their fingers erased the last of Yong’s lingering sadness. 

kimchi rice

Everyone else had filed out to take a lunch break, but Yong had stayed behind to keep practicing, ignoring the steadily growing cramp in the soles of her feet and the strain in her lower back. She had to perfect this solo.

“You’re going to injure yourself if you don’t take a break.”

Yong didn’t have to turn to know who it was, so she continued into the arabesque anyway. “What are you doing here?” she asked, not taking her eyes off her form in the mirror. Just in the corner of her eye, she could make out Byul entering through the studio’s side door.

The smell of kimchi filled the studio.

“You’re not allowed to eat in here.” Yong said, transitioning from second arabesque to an arabesque croisée. She felt the tremors in her left leg and exited the pose, cursing at herself under her breath. “Seriously Byul-ah, you’re going to get us in trouble.”

Her friend seemed unbothered, already hunkering down by a corner and opening a small tupperware of kimchi rice. “I won’t tell if you wont!” 

“Byul-ah. I mean it.” Yong furtively ignored the low grumble in her stomach at the smell of food. Traitor. 

“You carry on,” Byul said, words slightly garbled around the mouthful of rice and cabbage, “you won’t even know I’m here!”

Yong glared at her for a few seconds before turning back to the mirror, going back into first arabesque, shifting her hands into second, moving them in front of her for third, taking a step and lifting the other leg for a croisée. Her left leg began to shake again.

She cried out in frustration before stomping over to Byul and sitting down. In front of her, Byul threw her an unreadable glance before spooning out some kimchi rice and offering it her way.

“You can’t hold the poses because you’re weak. You’re weak because you’re hungry, this well help you, Unnie.” 

She pouted and turned her head away. Her stomach gurgled again in response and Byul let out a peal of laughter. Yong glared at her but accepted the bite anyway, giving Byul a light punch on the arm while she was chewing. 

“That’s really good kimchi.” Yong said instead.

“My mom sent it over,” Byul said, taking another huge bite before offering the rest of the tupperware towards her. It still had more than half its contents. “Finish that and then I’ll help you with the arabesques.”

“If I’m full I’ll feel really sluggish during rehearsals.” Yong said, even as she accepted the container and took another bite. It really was good. The crunch of cabbage and carrot in made her appetite grow. She realized, dimly, that all she had for breakfast that morning was water and an apple. 

“You’ll need the energy to actually make it through rehearsals.” Byul countered, reaching into her bag for a thermos and downing the water inside. 

After Yong had finished all the kimchi rice (faster than she’d care to admit) she was in front of the mirror again, Byul beside her this time.

“Go slow since we just ate,” Byul instructed, her voice soft and low. Yong felt a pair of hands on her waist. When she looked at the mirror, she could barely notice that Byul was a couple of centimeters taller than her. She could smell the kimchi rice they shared.

“Go into first,” Byul said, so she did, lifting her right leg. The hands on her waist tightened and pulled her up by her rib cage. “Strengthen this, but keep your center of gravity near your navel.” Byul said. Yong breathed through the effort, ignoring the flush creeping up her neck.

“Now second,” Byul stepped away so Yong could move her arms. She missed the contact immediately. “Keep your center of gravity where I showed you.” When Yong moved into third arabesque, Byul was back this time pulling her right leg up by her thigh before twisting at her ribcage. “Remember this position, this will help your transition into croisée later.

Yong could barely hear through the blood rushing past her ears. When she transitioned into croisée, Byul’s hands were still around her waist, guiding her through the pose before letting go and taking a few steps back as she held the pose. Her leg did not shake.

When she stepped out of the pose, there was still a flush around her cheeks and she was breathing heavily from the exertion. A glance at Byul showed her the younger girl was breathing a little heavier too. Yong ignored what that might mean, it could have easily been because of the exertion too. Instead she smiled.

“Thank you.”

“We’ll be out of Corps in no time.” Byul replied, a familiar smirk curling up her lips before she gave a little shameless wink.

Yong smiled but looked away, feeling a bit lightheaded. Thanks to the filtered air conditioning, the smell of kimchi rice was already fading from the room, when she looked at the clock, she could see there was still fifteen minutes left of the company’s unspoken lunch break.

The arts center had a pretty good commissary and canteen that should still be open. “Come on, I’ll treat you to sikhye.” Yong said, hooking her arm through Byul’s. 

“Music to my ears.” Byul replied with a chuckle.

dried fruit

Rehearsals have always been more grueling than the actual shows. Just like he had said, both the director and the company choreographer spent nearly two hours drilling her and Eric on the final lift. Running it over and over again until Yong was sure there would be permanent bruises on her waist from her dance partner’s fingers.

“I’m satisfied with this.” The Company Director said, staring pointedly at Yong before turning to leave the studio. “Tonight’s show will go off without a hitch, yes?”

Yong nodded silently, bowing to the director and the choreographer before she packed up her bag to get in a hot shower so she could start her own pre-show preparations. 

It was easier to get in the headspace for a show since the rest of the company was in an organized state of chaos to prepare. All around her, people were getting dressed, doing final stretches or applying the layers of makeup needed for a show. When Yong entered the makeup room she shared with Byul, Wheein, and Hyejin, she saw a large bouquet of sunflowers waiting at her table.

“Woah, is that for real?” Yong said, entering the room and lightly running a finger against one of the petals. 

“They were already there when I got here after my shower.” Hyejin said, attention fixed on her mirror where she was carefully applying liner to her eyes. 

Yong found a card nestled amongst the flowers, which only had a printed ‘YOU CAN DO IT!’ written and nothing else. When she tried to set aside the vase so she could do her makeup, she heard the tell-tale crinkle of plastic as something fell to the floor. When she looked around, she realized that a packet of dried fruit had been nestled amongst the flowers. There was a handwritten note attached.

‘For energy!’ it said, in a very familiar, if somewhat messy, scrawl.

She let herself smile wide, tracing the words with her finger before opening the packet and popping a piece of dried fruit in . She offered a few pieces to Hyejin before she started taking out her own makeup. She had a show to get on with.

“Did you figure out who it was from?” Hyejin asked, moving on to doing her lips now.

“I did.” Yong said, applying her primer all over her face and neck, trying to suppress the smile that was still breaking across her face.

“Hmm,” was all Hyejin said in reply, finally turning to look at Yong before smirking and returning to her makeup.

When she had finished with her hair and makeup, Yong was in the middle of putting her things away when she caught sight of the pouch where she kept her jewelry. As a rule, they weren’t supposed to wear jewelry on the stage unless it was part of their costume, so whenever she showered before a show she would stow her necklace and rings in the pouch to keep them safe. 

Yong felt her heart hammer against her chest in a way that had absolutely nothing to do with pre-show jitters. Before she could talk herself out of it, she grabbed the pouch, reached for the silver ring inside, and slipped it on.

apple slices

On the day she and Byul were promoted to Principal dancers, seven years after they had both auditioned together, Byul had pushed and pleaded with her for days to get tattoos together. Yong knew the younger girl already had one of her family she’d gotten years ago, and one she had gotten when she’d been accepted into the Korean National Ballet Company. But since then there had been no new ones.

Yong resisted at every turn, call her old-fashioned, but she just didn’t think ballerinas should have tattoos. Eventually Byul was the one who relented and they ended up going to dinner and getting matching necklaces instead.

The week after, when Yong entered the studio, it was to find Byul seated in the center, scoring her pointe shoes with a pair of scissors. Two takeaway cups of hot tea and a container of apple slices and hard boiled eggs beside her.

“You’re early for the first time in seven years!” Yong teased, approaching and plopping down beside her. Without asking, she reached beside Byul and stole a few slices of apple and popped those into . As she leaned back, the sight of Byul wearing the necklace they got together had Yong clasping at her own matching version around her neck.

It wasn’t anything too fancy, Byul’s was a silver chain with a plain silver hoop as a pendant, and Yong had the same except in gold.

“Maybe I’m trying to be more like you,” Byul teased back, her nose scrunching up in that adorable way. Byul set down the scissors and reached for a needle and thread, now sewing on the garter and ribbons. Yong watched her in silence.

“Liking the view?” Byul asked, her lips curling up into a smirk even though she kept her focus on the shoes. 

Yong rolled her eyes. “Spare me Byul-ah, it’s too early for your baseless flirting.” She was used to it, having been on the receiving end of Byul’s greasy lines and shameless winks for years. What she wasn’t prepared for was the sudden deep sigh that followed.

“You’re right,” Byul said, putting the shoes down and facing Yong, “so what if they weren’t baseless?” Her tone had changed. 

The air in the room changed too. Yong straightened to her full height and stared at the girl opposite her. “Byul-ah what are you--”

“You know don’t you? You have to know.”

It felt like someone had turned both the airconditioning and the heater up all at once. The hand that was holding her tea tightened. Yong looked down at her feet. There was a loose thread on the satin ribbons of her pointe shoes.

“Yong,” Byul’s voice was pleading now, and it broke her heart to hear it like that. “I know we’ve never talked about it but I wanted--I want us to be honest with each other now.”

Yong continued to stare at the floor. Amidst the blood rushing through her ears, she realized that there was a familiar stinging sensation at the backs of her eyes. She blinked hard and willed the feeling away.

“I don’t--” Byul was still talking, “I don’t want things to change between us, but I also don't want to keep hiding how I feel behind jokes or my teasing .”

“I don’t want things to change either.” It took Yong a few moments to realize that she was the one who had spoken. She looked at Byul through the mirror again. It was a bit easier to talk to her this way. Easier to put words to the pleasant squirm in her stomach whenever Byul smirked at her. Or the lightness in her shoulders whenever Byul pinched at her cheeks or poked at the soft parts at her sides.

Yong took a deep breath, and then she let herself chip away at the steady wall she had been building around her feelings for Byul these past seven years. It was overwhelming then, the rush of warmth and longing that threatened to pull her under. She let it fill her up, until she felt lighter than air. Then she looked at Byul again.

It shouldn’t be possible, Yong thinks, for two people to keep their feelings a secret from each other and then give themselves away with a look. She catches how Byul’s eyes widen infinitesimally when she realizes it too.

“Now you know,” Yong said, if a bit ruefully.

“Yong--”

Yong cut her off. “I also want us to be honest with each other. But I also want us to be realistic. Careers like ours, they have a time limit, and if we let ourselves get distracted, we could ruin our chances. We’ve only just been promoted and--”

“Ballet isn’t all that we are!” Byul cut in, her tone growing a bit sharp, “Don’t you want,” her voice faltered again, and finally Yong turned away from the mirror to look Byul head on. Byul took a deep breath and faced her too, “Don’t you want us to be more?”

Byul scooted closer until their knees were touching, when she grabbed Yong’s hand, she didn’t pull away.

“I’m not forcing you into anything, and I meant it when I said I wanted us to be honest. So if you don’t see this going anywhere, I’ll respect that.”

Yong looked down at their hands intertwined. She gripped Byul’s hand a bit tighter too. She bit her lip and fought for a few moments to find the words she needed, “Byul-ah, I--”

“It’s okay, Unnie. I understand.”

There was nothing to match the panic that flooded through her when she looked up to see Byul’s sudden guarded expression. Yong shook her head. “No! Wait! I do want this, but I also want us to be successful too! That isn’t wrong of me, is it?”

She watched Byul duck her head as a bright smile began curling up her lips. Yong let herself breathe a bit easier. Byul lifted up their joined hands and placed a soft kiss against Yong’s fingers. “It isn’t, and I really do understand. It’s okay Yong, we can wait.”

Yong smiled, her eyes landing on the necklace around Byul’s neck again. “Here, take off your necklace.”

The other girl’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, but she did what she was told. Yong did the same. She took the hoop of her gold necklace and slipped it unto Byul’s third finger, before taking Byul’s necklace and doing the same for her own finger.

“When we’re ready. We can wear them on our fourth fingers. Okay?”

Byul was smiling down at their hands, nodding. “Okay.”

dinner

This time, the lift went off without a hitch, and in the scant few moments as Eric held her to his side, her legs hooked properly around his side, she caught sight of Byul just off-stage with the rest of the company, jumping up and down silently and clapping her hands.

Yong felt the weight of the ring on her own finger. She knew Byul couldn’t see it, but it had been nearly three years since they’d made that promise to each other. Three years since Yong had actively stopped putting up walls around her feelings and three years of slowly learning that perhaps Byul was right after all.

Ballet wasn’t all she had.

When she took her final bows, the applause was the loudest she’d ever heard it again. She accepted the bouquet from the Company Director as he took the stage too and he gave her a nod that said he was proud.

Finally, finally, when the curtains fell, a familiar weight came crashing into her.

“So amazing!” Byul cheered, wrapping her arms around her waist and lifting her up into a messy little spin. Their fellow dancers gave them a wide berth. When Byul had finally put her down, Yong reached for her hand and held it tight.

She watched the expressions flit across Byul’s face. From proud, to confused, then the moment of clarity when the hand in hers tightened and she knew Byul could feel the ring on her own finger. How it wasn’t on her third finger.

Before Byul could look down to check, Yong leaned in closer and captured in a kiss. It wasn’t a long time coming, and it wasn’t more than a simple brush of lips, but it was their moment and theirs alone and it felt right. She didn’t even mind that there were tell-tale catcalls and applause from other company members who had seen what had happened, and what sounded like Hyejin furiously videoing everything for Wheein to see.

When they pulled apart, Byul was blushing so prettily it made Yong’s heart hammer around her ribcage. 

“I hope you know,” Byul began, a bit breathlessly, “I’m never going to let you live this down. I’ll remember this forever.” The last part she said a bit softer, even as began curling up into that telltale smirk.

Yong rolled her eyes, but squeezed their hands together tighter, “Good.”

“So,” Byul said, already steering them away from the rest of the company and towards the changing rooms, “dinner?”

Yong sagged against her now girlfriend. “Yes! I’m starving. You pay.”

end.