Trigger Warnings : mention of toxic traits in family, fights, crying, mention of past abuse, mention of minor character death.

 

 

 

“Have you found your soulmate ?” Chan asks Lucas one day when they’re outside in a park, burning under the hot light of the sun. He likes it, closes his eyes and sunbathes under it.

Lucas fans his book around his face, clearly struggling with the heat, “I’ve talked to them yeah, we found each other on Twitter.”

Chan raises an eyebrow, “Twitter ?”

He sits when he sees Lucas pulling out his phone, “Yeah it's social media, you can send some text on it for everyone to see, short videos, memes etc. But not gonna lie, it's also where people like to bash on others and be toxic,” he huffs when Chan simply blinks, “in other words, it’s not for you.”

Chan puckers his lips, “But why would they be like this ? It’s not really nice.”

“They’re anonymous in there, which means no one can really find them and it’s also where people like to blow off some steam, you know ?” he trails, the older hums, “it’s like they have a bad day, so they go on that to insult others and feel better. It’s like those who like to break stuff when they’re angry, but here, they insult others.”

“It’s awful,” Chan mutters sadly.

“No one is really mean just because they’re mean, you know ? There’s always a reason behind it, either coming from how they were educated and their social circle, or their mood and the day they had to go through.”

The older hums, more in understanding just as they see Hannah coming back from the convenience store.

“I’ve got the ice creams,” She says with an annoyed scowl, “next time I’ll make sure one of you loses.”

Chan snorts at her words, taking one ice cream she hands him, “Thanks,” it’s been a week and Chan had gone through the numerous medical appointments he had. For now he was waiting for the results, spending time with his siblings.

It’s less hard these days, he feels like he can breathe, can rest and cries in his bed thinking of Youngsoo and doesn’t feel like he’s being buried under the ground, alive and suffocating. There are some things still hard to talk about with his family, like asking his parents he wants to be alone all week, but not… really. He just wants to spend time with his sister and brother, but not with the parents, which is definitely mean but he can’t help it.

It’s weird to say this, but he thinks his parents are… a tiny bit suffocating.

He knows why they are like this, understands they’ve just found him back but they really are.

His mother’s been sending him messages every hour which can be cute, but she’s been doing it since Chan’s given his phone number, and the tiresome is starting to come back just after a few days of real relaxation.

 

“Mom’s still up your ?”

 

Chan grimaces, he can’t say the opposite but he doesn’t like how she phrases it, “Don’t say that,” he earns a roll of her eyes, “but yeah,” he sighs as he looks at her fifth message. She’s asking him if he’s still out with his siblings. He answers her quickly.

“Just tell her you want her to stop,” Hannah replies with a deadpan look.

“I can’t ask her that,” he retorts, “you know why.”

Hannah doesn’t answer, simply stares at him for long seconds while Lucas finishes his ice-cream, “You still can though,” he says nonchalantly, “you just need to talk to her—”

“She’s going to guilt-trip him,” Hannah mumbles, staring at the people in the park.

Chan blinks at her words while Lucas makes a face, “Guilt-trip ? What does that mean ?”

“It’s not something that—”

“Mom’s gonna make you feel bad for asking her to stop sending you messages,” she answers while Lucas slaps her shoulder.

“Hannah.”

“What ? She’s been doing this with me for years,” she scoffs, trying to impersonate their mother, “oh, you know I’m working really hard to be a good mother I don’t know why you keep acting like this, I’m trying my best, how dare you being upset with me because I hurt you and forced you to be at home at six pm and wouldn’t let you go outside see your friends and forced you to be a social outcast now ?” she makes another grimace before rolling her eyes and focusing on eating her ice-cream.

“You know it’s just because she was worried for you after what happened to me,” Chan tries to tell her, but she huffs, clearly upset, “we just need to talk to them.”

“So, you’ll tell them ?”

Chan pauses. He opens his mouth, then closes it.

Hannah raises an unimpressed eyebrow, “That’s what I thought.”

 

“Chan hyung ?”

 

The three siblings freeze before looking behind the oldest to find a man—

 

Chan’s eyes go wide, “Jeongin ?”

 

Jeongin is smiling, dimples on his cheeks. He looks soft like this, relaxed, just like before. He’s taller than him now that he notices, wearing comfy clothes and with slippers on, hands in pockets and earphones around his neck.

 

“So, it is you.”

 

Then his gaze goes to his siblings, “you must be his siblings,” they don’t answer, watching with curious eyes while Jeongin bows his head, “nice to meet you, I’m Yang Jeongin, one of Chan’s hyung’s soulmate.”

Chan’s voice is gone, struggling to find words but Jeongin seems to know what he wanted to ask because he answers with a smile, “I was just passing by, but I’m glad to see you remember our spot in the park.”

 

Chan blanks.

 

It’s true. Chan was the one leading his siblings to the big tree unconsciously, where Jeongin had shown him that time.

 

“Come sit with us,” Hannah tells him with mischievousness glinting in her eyes, “tell us some juicy stuff about that guy,” she points at Chan who puckers his lips, ears flushed.

Jeongin smiles, sitting cross legged, “Well, where do I start ?” he teases him, and Chan knows he’s got too many s to talk about him and clearly not great.

He’s hurt Minho multiple times, punched Changbin, insulted Jisung, treated them like murderers and threatened to kill them too— there’s so much to talk about.

 

He’s feeling bad the more he thinks about it and almost misses Jeongin’s words.

 

“He wasn’t that bad, just scared I guess,” he smiles, almost fond of the memories, as if it wasn’t that bad, “since he didn’t know anything.”

Chan dares glance up at him before Lucas hums, “He really didn’t.”

Jeongin nods before asking, “So, has he got any better ?”

Hannah huffs, “Still learning, he doesn’t know how holidays work in school.”

Lucas leans on his hands, “He’s got better at using YouTube and Google though.”

“I’m trying my best,” Chan can’t help but complain, ears still flushed, “don’t make fun of me.”

“We weren’t, bro,” Hannah replies with a snicker, “stop feeling cornered, it’s bad for your mental health.”

Chan huffs, “You’re saying that when you both keep looking at me like I’m a kid.”

 

“Kinda get it, we just want to help, it’s kind of endearing even,” Jeongin tells him with a smile, “when you were with us, I really liked our moments together,” he adds with softer eyes, “we just care about you.”

 

Chan feels his ears flush, looks down at the grass.

 

He did like those quiet moments with him, it felt freeing and relaxing where no one was telling him how wrong he was, how he had been brainwashed and conditioned.

 

“Well, nagging is a form of love too,” Hannah teases him again with a smug look, “we’re just looking out for you.”

“Well, I’ll prefer another form of love please,” He retorts with a roll of his eyes, making them snort and chuckle.

“So, what were you doing before coming here ?” Hannah asks Jeongin who hums.

“Homeworks,” he makes a face Lucas and Hannah mirror, “I’m in an Art School to become a photographer.”

“Oh, this is kinda cool,” Lucas speaks with a nod, “what do you prefer taking pictures of ?”

Chan listens, equally curious. He’s never had the time to know them better since he… didn’t trust them.

“A feeling, I like taking pictures of people, and sceneries, as long as I can give the emotion, I’ll be satisfied.”

The oldest stares at him, can see his passion in his eyes so easily. But what about himself ? What did he want to do ? What passion did he have ?

He doesn’t know.

He only had movies and games before, but now he’s got the whole world to rediscover and learn.

He wouldn’t be surprised if his school level was still just of a middle schooler. He’d have to learn back everything people his age already knew.

He was really lacking behind, wasn’t he ?

“If you wanna know I’ve taken some pictures of you and the others,” His smile is sheepish and fond in a way.

 

So much that Chan needs some seconds to process his words before his face turns crimson hot, “What ?”

 

“Show us !” Hannah yells with a mischievous smirk, already moving forward to see the pictures.

Jeongin grins and shows the first picture, where Chan is backing off in fear yet his hand is moving forward to let a dog sniff him, “We were going to a dog café and hyung was scared of the puppies, it was cute.”

Chan makes an embarrassing noise, looks away with flushed cheeks while Lucas and Hannah cackle at the pic.

“Look at you, if it ain’t cute,” She teases him and shows him the picture.

Chan glares at her, but takes the phone while the others huddle around him. He looks at himself and makes a grimace, swipes to see the next one. He’s petting a dog and smiling this time. He looks less awkward, “Why did you take pics of me ?” He whines. He doesn’t like seeing himself, sees a stubborn who almost ruined his life.

“The feeling,” Jeongin replies with a smile, “you were worried in the beginning, but now, you smile at the view of a dog and even played with one.”

Chan hums while Lucas adds, “How was the café ?”

“Good and calm, it’s the first time I saw so many different dogs,” The oldest replies, before swiping to the next one.

He pauses when it’s a picture of the others. They’re all sitting on the grass, backs shown on the pic, gazing at the park.

“And what’s the feeling of that one ?” Lucas asks while Hannah tilts her head.

 

“Hope.”

 

Chan looks confused and stares at him for more details.

Jeongin smiles cryptically, “It’s the day I came back to my body, and you were back in yours,” he looks at him, “we hoped you’ll come back to us.”

 

Chan parts his lips.

 

“Deep bro,” Hannah speaks, and promptly breaks the tension, makes Lucas snort, “but at least he’s back,” she pats Chan’s back for emphasis.

The older snaps back to stare at the picture. It’s weird he can understand the picture. In it he sees the way their shoulders are slumped, feel the sadness but hope in it.

 

They really…

 

He hands back the phone to Jeongin who stands up with a groan, “I have to go, the others actually asked me to buy them ice cream.”

“I feel you,” Hannah laments, Jeongin chuckles.

Chan can’t look up at him. He knows he’s not entirely at fault, his psychologist explained to him the notion of brainwashing and conditioning made by— oh.

 

He hasn’t thought of Youngsoo today.

 

But now his picture is here, stuck to his eyelids and he knows he’s mostly the reason why Chan hurt his… soulmates. The name is twisted and deranged on his tongue, like he’s falling in a trap.

 

“Hyung ?” Jeongin calls, but Chan just stiffens. He seems to understand because he doesn’t force, “I’ll be going, but if you want to, you can pass by at our home, you’re always welcome, even if it’s for five minutes.”

Chan nods, and yelps when Hannah slaps his back, “What was that for ?”

She gestures at Jeongin, “He’s your soulmate if you forgot, go do something.”

“If he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t have to,” Jeongin reassures, “he can take all the time he needs to.”

Hannah defeatedly slumps back on the grass, but Lucas stares at Chan, gaze anticipating.

“I’ll be going, bye.”

“Bye !” Both his siblings yell and Chan grits his teeth.

 

“B— bye Jeongin,” he cringes at his stuttering and hesitantly looks up to see Jeongin smiling brighter than before.

 

“Bye Chanie hyung.”

 

And with that he leaves, with a more relaxed and happy attitude.

Chan stares at him until he can’t see him anymore.

“We should go too,” Lucas tells them quietly, “I’m burning here.”

 

Chan absent-mindedly nods, Jeongin’s grin painting on his eyelids and hiding the twisted one.

 

 

 

Chan doesn’t know how one word can turn the discussion into war.

 

He’s uselessly staring at his mother then at his sister going back and forth, heart buzzing in anxiety, unable to do anything.

Hannah just wanted to help him talk up to their parents but their mother seemed to have been hurt by their words and now it’s all a mess—

“Is it true Chan ? You don’t like when I send you a text ?” She asks with wide hurt eyes and Chan can only swallow the knot without making it drop in the acidic lake of his stomach. It’s stuck in his throat, makes it impossible for him to voice anything.

 

He—

 

“You see ? He’s fine with my texts—”

“He’s not for god’s sake, you’re trying to guilt-trip him ! Can’t you see he wants to say no ?!” Hannah retorts, losing her usual nonchalant behavior. She seems fed off.

“Do not talk like that to me, I am still your mother even if you wish I wasn’t,” She retorts with a frown.

What can he possibly do except stay quiet ?

“Just open your eyes, what’s the point of sending a text every hour ?” She’s two seconds away from rolling her eyes, tired about the situation. “We were with him, he can’t disappear out of thin air !”

“It was just in case, I was worried !”

Lucas had shook his head, before going upstairs, too used to the whole situation, while their father kept quiet, just as lost on what to do.

“It’s not being worried, but being obsessed ! You can’t harass him all day ! He didn’t even have the time to relax with you and dad dragging him everywhere !”

“What ? We weren’t dragging him, he wanted to go out with us, right Chan ?” She asks him and Chan’s just frozen, sees her eyes before he drops his gaze, shame crawling around his neck like a deathly grip.

 

“Chan ?”

 

“You see ?” Hannah exclaims louder, gestures to Chan, “Just give him some time and stop suffocating him, it’s not that hard.”

“Is that true ?” Their father finally asks for the first time, looking at him with a sort of deception and hope.

“No I mean— I just,” he can’t find any excuses, can’t when all they’ve been, was worried and kind. What can he say without breaking his new family apart ?

Should he be honest ? Or lie ?

What should he do ?

“Chan—”

 

“I need to go,” He chokes out, he’ll avoid the situation for now, he’ll— he just wants— needs to breathe.

 

“Chan wait ! Where are you going ?” Their mother yells in worry.

“Chan !”

“You scared him off,” Hannah hisses.

 

Chan rushes outside, hands on his ears and eyes burning glossy.

 

 

 

He doesn’t know where he is, but feels the weirded look on him. Well, it’s not an everyday sight to see a man crying in the middle of the street like a lost kid.

He’ll— he’ll find a solution, he just needs to breathe first, then calm down and hopefully he’ll be able to think.

He wipes his eyes roughly and sniffles, taking a deep stuttering breath before exhaling shakily.

 

It’s a start.

 

He can feel the buzzing of his phone in his pants and instinctively, he takes it only to turn it off completely.

He might regret it later, but for now he needs some space for himself.

He looks around to understand where he is and finds himself in a residency area.

 

Chan pauses.

 

He remembers the place. He knows if he looks at the house on his left he’ll find—

 

“Chan hyung ?”

 

His eyes lock on Minho’s wide ones.

 

He’s wearing formal attire. A buttoned white shirt, brown pants with a bag in hand. And it’s then he remembers Minho’s a kindergarten teacher.

“Are you alright ?” He asks without taking a step, knowing Chan can get scared of him.

Chan doesn’t know, but his heart does.

 

His face scrunches and he sobs, weakly crumbling on himself.

 

Minho jumps in action, flustered by his reaction and not really sure if he can touch him yet, “Hyung, can I— can I hug you ?” he tries while bending a bit to see his face hidden under his palms.

“I— I don’t know anymore,” he croaks out, crying pitifully, “I don’t know anything, I’m so stupid.”

“Who cares if you don’t know something ? That doesn’t mean anything,” Minho replies as he digs in his bag to take out a packet of handkerchiefs, “I don’t know how to use a ton of stuffs too, like a mower, Lixie loves games but he’s so bad at it too,” he shrugs nonchalantly, “and beside, you have all the time to learn about it if you want to,” he hands him one, “here.”

Chan sniffles defeatedly, and stares at the piece of tissue. He silently takes it and blows his nose in.

But does he really have all the time in the world ? Didn’t he waste enough already ?

Minho smiles encouragingly, “Do you want to come in ?” he quickly adds, “There’s only me and Bin at home, promise. The others left.”

 

Chan eyes the house with hesitation.

 

It’s not like he has somewhere else to go.

 

“Okay.”

 

 

 

“Do you want to eat or drink something ?” Minho asks after putting his coat on the couch.

Chan shrinks on himself, trying to be small. He shrugs, “I don’t know.”

“Then I’ll make you some tea, make yourself comfortable,” he explains before going to the kitchen.

The oldest nods, hesitantly sits on the couch when he notices the sound of water.

Was Changbin upstairs washing himself ?

He sighs tiredly and rubs his eyelids.

He just wants to sleep and forget everything.

“Do you want to talk about it ?” Minho’s voice cuts him in surprise despite the softness in his tone.

He’s already next to him, serving the tea along with a few snacks.

“To say what ? I’m—” he cuts himself with a defeated sigh, shoulders slumping, “— I just want to sleep.”

 

“Then go to sleep.”

 

Chan blinks and pauses, before looking at the younger, “What ?”

“You can sleep in one of the rooms and no one will bother you,” He explains with a smile, “but maybe you should tell your family or they might get worried.”

The shower gets turned off.

Chan grimaces at the name of his family and takes out his phone, hesitant at turning it on.

 

“It’s about your family, isn’t it ?”

 

The oldest doesn’t look at him, just nods after turning it on. And then he simply hands him his phone, “Answer for me please, I don’t want to talk to them.”

Minho blinks in surprise but nods and takes the phone.

Chan’s just about to go upstairs, too familiar with the place when he’s met with Changbin ready to go downstairs, but frozen at his view.

“Hyung ? What are you—” He looks so surprised to see him, but then he seems to notice something because his expression turns serious, “— what happened ?”

Chan is surprised by his emotions, but quickly enough, he ducks his head, he must have noticed he was crying, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Changbin wants to ask more but Minho comes by, “Bin, let him pass, he’s gonna nap, he needs a well deserved rest.”

Chan looks back at him to see him already on the phone. But the prospect of knowing who is on the other line makes him uneasy and he nods then goes upstairs without sparing more glances to both of his… soulmates.

He closes the door and locks it.

The tears come by and he cries quietly, crawling in a bed with the bitter taste of his first fight with his whole family.

 

He hates it.

 

 

 

He wakes up groggy and more tired.

The sunlight has mostly disappeared into an orange and reddish hue and Chan can’t really understand where he is now.

He buries his face in the pillow with a familiarity sticking to it and then promptly sits with a jolt.

 

Where is he ?

 

He’s kind of disoriented and doesn’t recognize his room—

 

Right. He’s in his soulmates’ house.

 

He exhales in relief and slumps back on his— on someone’s bed.

The scent is familiar, reminds him of Seungmin.

Must be his bed.

His stomach grumbles and Chan knows he can’t sleep more.

He’s too hungry.

So he sits and yawns, before rubbing his eyelids tiredly.

The anxiety comes back like an old friend wrapping an arm around his shoulders, ties his stomach in knots.

He clenches his fists in frustration, then stands up.

 

Better do it now than later.

 

 

 

He silently makes his way downstairs after using the bathroom and hopes there’s almost no one, hopes they both fell asleep so he can escape this awkward situation—

 

“Oh hyung, you’re up,” It’s Changbin who just comes out of the kitchen, he’s smiling, “do you want to eat something in particular ?”

Chan swallows his discomfort, “I— I don’t know.”

Changbin grins more, “No worries, Minho hyung’s the best at cooking, I’ll tell him to make you some noodles !”

He goes back in the kitchen and Chan knows he can’t just leave like that. He’s got a big enough guilt on his shoulder and if he adds another one he’ll just succumb.

So he awkwardly stays where he is, stares down, fingers fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

Why did he accept the invitation ? He’s so awkward he hates it.

“Hyung, don’t stay here, come sit,” Changbin tells him with a grin as he sits on the couch with his cup of coffee in hand, “do you wanna watch something ?”

Chan swallows thickly. Now that he notices, it’s the first time he’s alone with his soulmates. Alone with no one else as a witness. He can’t stop the thoughts to harass his mind, what if this was all a trap ? What if they were going to hurt him now that he was in his body and alone ? They could always lie and say he never managed to reach their house.

Were they going to make him regret what he did ?

 

Should he run ?

 

“Hyung ?”

 

Chan jerks, face pale and now noticing the tremor of his hands. He’s starting to sweat too and his heart’s beating too fast— stupid brain stop it—

 

It’s like his new determination has been set ablaze, crumpling in a pile of dust— he doesn’t want to die now—

 

“Am I— am I making you uncomfortable ?” Changbin asks as he stands up and starts backtracking, careful at showing his hands, “I can go back upstairs if you want, with Minho hyung.”

 

But they’re his soulmates. Soulmates that saved him and helped him find his family too.

 

Why can’t he just trust them ?

 

“It’s— it’s hard for me,” he chokes out, voice wobbly and eyes glossing with hot tears, why is he such a cry-baby ?

 

Changbin softens, “You think we’ll hurt you,” he states gently, Chan sobs but can’t help nodding.

 

All he wants is to be safe.

 

“And even if we promise, you might not believe us,” He adds with a pensive hum, trying to find a good enough answer for the oldest. Chan wipes his eyes with a sniffle, “I’m sorry to say this hyung, but there’s only one way to find it.”

 

Chan looks at him with hope, eyes wet.

 

Changbin looks sad, “You’ll have to trust us.”

 

Chan does in fact, not like his answer at all.

 

“I know— I know it seems something impossible at the moment, and I— we get it,” he adds back with a nod, “and it might not be something you wanted to hear, but if we’re the only one taking steps to you, you’ll never know if you can trust us, you know ?”

The older looks down, sniffles wetly.

“We need to work together and then, hopefully you’ll be happy.”

Chan swallows thickly, “So, my first step is trusting you ?” He asks hesitantly and bitterly. He’s had enough of being lost in a fog, enough of forcing himself to follow whatever the people around him are doing.

He just wants to sleep and never wake up.

Changbin nods, reverent, “I know it’s gonna be hard when all of your life you’ve heard we were your murderers, but we don’t mind waiting too,” he smiles, encouraging, “if you need years, it’s fine, just know that at the end we’ll always love you.”

Chan’s breath hitches at his words, “How can— how can you know that ? What if in the end I never… I never love you ? What will happen then ?”

 

Changbin grins, “Then it’s fine too.”

 

Chan blinks dumbly, “What ? How— how is that fine ?” he’s so dumbfounded, he can’t comprehend what the hell is going through Changbin’s brain. “Didn’t you do all of this so I could be with you and the others ?”

 

Changbin raises an eyebrow, “It’s more about freeing you than that,” he looks serious when he says it, “no one deserved to be locked in a room for twenty years.”

 

Chan wants to retort something, but he falters instead. He’s right about this and even if he says the opposite, it’s not gonna change the truth.

He was locked in a room with barely any human interactions for twenty years.

 

“If you don’t want to trust us, then it’s fine, if you don’t want to stay with us, it’s fine too,” he trails so nonchalantly like it’s that easy, “you’re your own person, make your own choices and we’ll respect it.”

“You know,” Minho’s voice pops in their conversation, Chan can’t see him with the wall separating them, “we used to wonder who you were, what you looked like, what you liked, what you hated,” but he swears he’s hearing him smile, “if you had a family, if you felt lonely,” he hears the water boiling, “but now that we know you’re fine, I know all of us will stop annoying you if you ask us.”

Changbin agrees easily, “Yeah, we just wanted to know that you’ll be alright and will heal well,” he looks more relaxed than before, “and you’ve got your family too,” then he coughs, “but if you want friends too, we’re there.”

“Bin, don’t be greedy,” Minho warns with a snort.

“How can I not when Chanie hyung is here !” He whines exaggeratedly, swinging his hips like a teenage girl with an aegyo voice.

Chan just blanks, doesn’t know how to react to this, but he hears Minho laughs aloud while Changbin flushes, flustered by the oldest’s reaction.

“Come on, that was funny ! Right, Minho hyung ?” He asks with burning ears but Minho doesn’t answer, lets him suffer. Changbin whines and buries his face in his hands, “oh god, just, let me cry in a corner.”

“Don’t be a baby,” Minho huffs, “and take this, it’s for Chanie hyung.”

Chan looks down, sees Changbin’s feet leave to go to the kitchen. He’s not sure he’s making the right choice, but he goes to sit on the couch and gives them the benefit of the doubt.

 

Maybe he’ll regret it, maybe not. But he can’t keep hesitating, he’ll have to make choices, even if it’s scary.

 

Changbin and Minho look pleased, they both sit far away from him to not make him feel cornered after Changbin put the bowl in front of him. Chan appreciates it.

“About your family, how’s it been going ?” Minho asks while Changbin looks through their Netflix account to find a good movie.

Chan grimaces as he takes the chopsticks, “I… I didn’t think families were like this.”

Changbin perks up, “What do you mean ? What happened ?” Minho puts a hand on his thigh to calm his sudden restlessness.

Chan shrugs, difficult to find the good words, “I didn’t think family could have problems… ? Like having issues with your own family members.”

The youngest relaxes.

“I mean, I’ve seen families in movies, and they were always… perfect in a way ? Even if they fight, they’ll make up right away,” he sighs tiredly, stares at his reflection in the noodle soup, “but not in my family.”

 

With what Hannah told him, it must be years they’ve been in conflict.

 

“Perfection doesn’t exist,” Minho tells him simply, “families fight, sometimes they make up, other times they don’t, and break apart.”

“Hyung,” Changbin huffs with a sad glare.

“It’s true, and you know it the most,” he retorts with no anger, something sympathetic in his eyes, “he needs to know for his own sake.”

Chan watches them curiously, what did he mean by that ?

Changbin can only sigh, resilient, “My mother died when I was young,” he speaks softly, Chan freezes at his words while Minho rubs his back soothingly, “my… my dad started drinking after this and he was,” he grimaces, “he wasn’t really nice with me.”

“I— I’m sorry for you,” He can’t help but say. He doesn’t really know what he can do other than that. He feels like, if he pats Changbin, it will be crossing something and he isn’t ready for it yet.

Changbin shrugs him with a smile, “I’m fine now,” he chuckles, “it’s kinda weird to call the cops on your own dad though, but more seriously hyung,” he looks back at him, “if something’s wrong with your family, talk to them, tell them how you’ve been feeling, just, be honest, and if it doesn’t work, you can come to us. We’ll protect you.”

Chan weirdly doesn’t doubt him.

“You can talk with your psychologist too, they can maybe help you and give your whole family a session too, so you can all open your hearts and be honest with each other,” Minho adds with an encouraging nod, “it’s maybe all they need to do.”

Chan hums, hesitant, but also hopeful. “I’ll try to,” he looks at them and gives a small grateful smile, “thank you.”

 

Both Minho and Changbin share a look, before smiles stretch on their faces.

 

“No problem hyung.”

 

 

 

Chan’s in front of his house. He glances behind to see Minho and Changbin giving him thumbs-up. They’re both waiting for him to enter before they’ll leave.

Chan swallows the bursting nervousness, lifts his hand to buzz the ringbell.

He’s surprised when the door gets roughly opened and he finds his mother with wide panicked eyes. But when she understands, she hugs him tightly, “Please don’t scare me like this.”

He hugs her back, tries to shoo away the guilt ready to whisper to his ears, “I’m sorry, I needed some time alone.”

“It’s fine,” She tells him before they part away, come inside.

Chan looks behind one last time to find Minho and Changbin grinning at him, nodding for him to hurry up.

He nods back before following his mother in.

His father stands up from the couch, relieved to see him, “Don’t leave like this, you got us worried,” he scolds, not as firm as Chan thought.

 

He smiles apologetically, “I…” he swallows thickly, before looking at his parents with resolution, “I think we all need a talk.”

 

 

 

When the whole’s family is in the living-room, Chan feels his confidence ebbing away at each stare boring into his brain.

 

“So ?” Hannah asks with her usual nonchalance, Chan stiffens.

It’s hard to look them in the eyes, but he knows he has to do this.

 

He wants to have a family. He wants them to be on good terms.

 

He doesn’t want to find Hannah leaving their family and never coming back. He doesn’t want to keep hearing his parents fighting with her.

He takes a deep breath before looking up, “I— I want us to talk about what’s been going on,” Hannah sighs deeply, she looks ready to get up and leave, “Hannah please,” he pleads and he thinks it’s working because she’s surprised, “I just, I don’t want our family to break apart, not when I’ve finally found you all.”

Lucas listens but doesn’t meet his eyes. Hannah seems conflicted, it’s as if she’s weighing the pros and cons. And their parents are nodding, hopeful but quiet.

 

It’s now or never. They’ll find out if their family can be saved or not.

 

“I want everyone to talk about what they’ve been feeling, I want everyone to listen and to not cut them,” he earns nods, his confidence swells a bit, “let’s be kind to each other and try to understand whoever is talking.”

Hannah rolls her eyes, but doesn’t retort anything. It’s a little win, but a win nonetheless. The others nod too.

He smiles, “I’ll start,” his hands start to sweat, he anxiously rubs them on his jeans, “so uhm,” he says smartly, still has this chain that keeps him from really being honest. He clenches his jaw on it and breaks it, “I was scared the first time.”

He doesn’t look up at them, remembers all those days in his soulmates’ body before he was back in his. He remembers Youngsoo, his kindness and guiding words, his love that helped him grow.

He remembers the first time he got lost in the sea, the first time in another country, the first time he set foot in an airport, the first time he met his parents.

“I still think all of this is a lie,” he trails, “that I’m going to get myself killed if I don’t listen to— to Youngsoo hyung,” he manages to say his name, doesn’t see the worry and empathy in his family’s eyes, he chuckles sadly, “it’s hard to trust them, I feel like they’re plotting on my back,” he stares at his hands, smile small with no taste but the regret, “and it’s weird to call you a family.”

 

The silence is comforting in a way, it’s like he’s back in his room with the twisted relief chained on his ankle.

 

“I don’t know any of you, you’re like strangers, but you know me, and it’s just,” he shrugs, “so weird.”

 

He glances at them, sees their small smiles, and he smiles back, “If you want the truth, I didn’t think families had heavy problems like this, I kind of only know family through movies and they all always manage to make up like nothing happened.”

Hannah grimaces, Chan and Lucas snort, “I know, I get it now,” he huffs with a smile, “but I feel hopeless with the situation, I just want us to be happy,” he tells them honestly, forces himself to meet their eyes, “I want to know how it feels to have parents and siblings.”

He swallows thickly because he needs to say one last thing, “I love you, no matter what happens,” he wobbles out, eyes burning with tears, “I’ll always think of us as a family and I’m so glad you are my family.”

He wipes his eyes before the tears can slip and tries hard to control the trembling of his lower lip. “I finished, who wants to start ?” he sniffles, and earns a few chuckles back.

When he looks back up, his mother’s eyes are glossy while his father and Lucas look at the floor. Hannah’s nonchalance has turned into something softer and empathetic. She’s no more taking things lightly. She seems to genuinely think of their situation. Chan adores her.

 

Their mother lifts her hand hesitantly, but her eyes are resolute, “I think I’ll go.” Hannah’s face already twists in a frown, but she doesn’t talk.

 

Chan nods at his mother encouragingly.

“It might sound cliché,” she starts with an amused smile, soft, “but the first time I held you,” she looks at Chan with something so fond, Chan can’t breathe, “I knew I wanted to have more kids,” Lucas shifts on his seat, Hannah looks at a blank point. Their father presses his hand on her back. “I was just so happy.”

Chan knows what she will say next, sees it in the way her smile turns into blooming regret and her eyes falter into pearly sadness.

“When you were four, we went to a park for children and I met back some friends,” She trails, eyes lost in her memories, “March 2nd 2001, the day I lost you,” she shakes her head at her own incapacity, “I looked for you for hours, days and nights, I’ve felt like a piece of me had just disappeared.”

Their father rubs her back in comfort.

“I’ve thought of you everyday, mourned you and I’ve felt so… awful,” her voice sounds choked, “how could I have lost you when I’m your mother ? When my only job that day was to keep an eye on you ?” her eyes glint wet, stares down in her memories.

Hannah stares down too, no real grudge behind her eyes anymore. She knows. She’s always known about this.

“I’ve blamed myself— I still do,” She sighs shakily, Chan fights back his own tears, “because I went overboard with my family now, because I’m scared, I’m so scared all the time, I’m scared of losing any of you, I’m scared of waking up one day and receive a call from the hospital, I’m scared to see any of you appear on the news, I’m just scared,” she sobs, their father brings her in his arms to comfort her.

Lucas shifts uncomfortably on his seat. It seems he’s never been good with those types of heartfelt moments.

“And I know I haven’t been a good mother either,” she sniffles out, looks at Hannah who indulges in and stares at her, no anger reflecting in her eyes, “I’ve been trying to control you because I was hoping like this, nothing could really hurt you, I could make sure you were fine,” she sighs, wipes her eyes softly, “but I made it worse.”

Hannah grimaces before she smiles small and understanding.

Lucas just hums and Chan can’t help but feel like there’s more to him, despite having never complained about their mother’s insistence. But well, he’ll learn about it later.

Their mother looks at Lucas then at Hannah, “I’m sorry, for everything I’ve done, you have to know that I still love you, no matter what,” she smiles, “even if I’m clumsy in showing it.”

Hannah snorts along with Lucas. Chan and their father smile.

 

There’s a beat of silence, before Hannah sighs and grins, “Guess I’ll go.”

 

Chan nods with a smile, watches how their mother rests against their father.

“So… we’re clearly not the perfect family,” she starts, Chan huffs a smile, Lucas nods vehemently. Their parents smile. Hannah hawks , she seems flustered to talk about what she’s been feeling, “I guess it could’ve been worse.”

She sits correctly on the couch, “I don’t really know what to say,” she shrugs her shoulders, “but I guess I was— I still am upset about how you’ve been controlling our lives.” she says, looks at their mother who nods, serious and all ear, “I couldn’t go out with my friends, couldn't even sleep in their house, I was supposed to be back just after school, I couldn’t go to the cinema alone, I couldn’t go to the convenience store and so much more,” she trails, frustration can be heard in her voice, “it’s the same about my friends, you didn’t really trust them, until you’ve met them.” she grimaces.

Chan winces.

“And if I was late you’d be yelling at me, I think you never noticed but you got the tendency of guilt-tripping us and gas-lighting too,” their mother looks embarrassed and ashamed too, but doesn’t retort anything.

Hannah sighs, “I get where you’re coming from, why you’ve been like this,” she shrugs, “but it doesn’t mean you can treat us like this either,” their mother nods dutifully, she really seems to think of changing.

“And I appreciate your apology, but it’s still too early for me to accept it,” she adds, their mother’s shoulders slump in defeat, “but we can work on it together, until I accept it,” she brightens up more, Hannah looks at their dad with a smirk, “it counts for you too, you weren’t the best, but I guess we can still change and I’ll change too, because I’ve been too angry to you these years,” she huffs, “and I’m getting tired of fights.”

Their father and mother nod, encouragingly but Lucas can’t help adding, “It’s because you’re old now.”

Hannah glares at him with no heat, “I’ll end you bro.”

Chan stifles a laugh, pleasantly surprised when their parents laugh with them too.

Lucas simply grins and Hannah adds with a roll of her eyes, “I guess I love this family, whatever,” she mumbles more to herself but everyone hears it and they know her, know she means it even if she acts like she doesn’t care.

 

Chan’s hope might not be unrealistic.

 

Lucas gestures at their dad, knows Hannah feels embarrassed for saying this, “Start first dad, I need to think of what to say.”

Their dad blinks but nods, then hawks his throat, “So, uhm, I’m not good at talking about those things,” he trails, Chan can’t help but think Hannah takes after him about this, Lucas too, and him… he’s clearly taken after his mother. “I’m not really a good father either,” he says, after finding back his composure, “when you’re raised a certain way by your family and think it worked well on you, you tend to think it will be the same with your kids.”

 

Chan doesn’t like what he’s implying.

 

“But I was wrong, and my anger issues didn’t help either,” he looks down, “I think it really started when we lost you,” he adds, looks at Chan, “I got upset and frustrated easier, there was just so much happening and I,” he shrugs, “and I felt hopeless, I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t find you and I couldn’t help your mother either,” he smiles sadly. Their mother takes his hand in comfort, nods at him like she’s proud he’s opening up, “I was just… upset at myself for everything. I couldn’t even protect my family.”

Chan winces in sympathy.

“I’m sorry,” he says, looks at Lucas, Hannah and finally his wife, “for hurting you all those times, but I love you all, I really do even if it’s hard to believe it,” he tells them honestly, he looks vulnerable in a way which is so weird because he doesn’t seem to usually show it. “And I’m thinking of… of seeing a therapist ? To help me with my… issues.” he doesn’t seem sure, hesitant to talk about this because in a way it means he’s been a failure and his pride must have taken a pretty rough hit.

But Hannah dramatically claps her hands and their father sighs, shoulders relaxing, “I don’t think I’m the only one who needs to go,” he retorts with no bite, Hannah rolls her eyes.

“Yeah, maybe I’ll go too.”

Their mother looks brighter, nodding encouragingly, “I think we all need to go truthfully, altogether to manage our fights.”

Chan nods, heart warm, but he glances at Lucas who’s up in his head. They fall silent and look at Lucas who blinks back into reality.

“So,” he trails, eyes blank as he thinks, “it’s kind of weird to talk about this, but I think I know what toxic role I have in our toxic family,” he hums, “I’m not someone who complains, I do my things, works hard to have good grades, tries to make it easier for everyone and that’s it,” he murmurs, focused on the floor, “I’m the hero child. I’m the one our parents compare with other kids, I’m the facade of our family, the perfect kid that helps around in the house without a word.”

Their parents realize what he means and smile in sympathy mixed with shame. Hannah grimaces, understands his struggles.

“I can’t afford to have bad grades, I can’t afford to bring my own problems, because you all have so much on your plates already,” he trails, looks at them one by one, “I try to be the mediator in your fights, and you’re all so stressed and anxious and talking about my problems is just… not me.”

Chan knows what he means, because it’s been the same when he was with Youngsoo. And in that way, you’re forced to mature quicker, forced to learn how to advise someone way older than you when you barely know anything, barely know yourself.

 

It’s hard. And overwhelming.

 

He never knew Lucas was going through that.

 

“I can’t afford to complain because there’s already Hannah and I don’t want you to think you’re failures as parents because I get it, I get how hard it can be to be a parent, to still have traumas you never noticed,” he looks at their parents, “I know. It’s hard, maybe you don’t even know who you are yet,” he sighs heavily, “but it’s really… taxing. There’s some days I don’t want to see anyone, I just want to be alone.”

Chan’s empathy turns into tears. He gets it so well.

“And that’s another reason I never complain about your tendency of controlling us, but it will be good if you could trust us,” he adds, their parents nod, “but I’ve come to terms with myself.” His gaze falter, “you might not know but I had a burn-out recently,” Chan notices how all three of them are wide eyed in surprise, “I didn’t want to wake up, I didn’t want to help anyone, didn’t want to go to school because is it really worth it in the end ? When I don’t even know what I want to do later ?”

“I’ve taken science because I found it interesting, but again, I don’t know for sure what I want to do later,” he looks lost, before he looks back at them, resolute, “at the end of this year, I’m thinking of having a gap year to find what I really want to do.”

Chan doesn’t know what a gap year is but he nods encouragingly.

“I was lost, am still lost, but hopefully now that we’re all together, I’ll find my own path.” He smiles, bright and hopeful. “It’s kind of awkward, but yeah, I… I love our family.”

 

Chan smiles until his cheeks hurt, wet from tears. He wipes them away quickly, “This is good, more than good,” everyone smiles, “I think we’re not a lost cause.”

 

They share looks, of hope, of guilt and shame, but most importantly of love.

 

Chan thinks he couldn’t have a better family, especially now when they’re all watching a movie together, eating ice-cream and sharing teasing jokes.

 

He sees his parents cuddling, sharing lovely gazes, sees his sister and brother annoying each other, and Chan feels better.

 

When it’s time to sleep, he even manages to tell them he wants to spend some time alone, wants to sleep until noon to really rest and his parents are encouraging, nodding happily. He tells them how hard it’s been when he was back with them and they don’t guilt-trip him, just looks at him with those eyes full of fondness and love, and Chan might tear up again if this keep happening, but instead he hugs them both and for the first time he calls them mom and dad.

 

He closes his eyes, knows they’re trying to keep their tears and Chan smiles.

 

Chan has a family now. They might fight, angry or tearful, might say things they don’t really think, might hurt without meaning to, but they’ll go through it, they’ll believe in each other, in healing and sharing.

 

And Chan loves them with their flaws, their unique personalities, their way of showing love.

 

Because that’s what makes them human.

 

 

 

 

 

~~~

Hellowwww ! :3
Finally the 3rd chap is out ! ><
People might think it's too good to be true for real family to heal together, but I'm hopeful. My family is also toxic in a lot of way, I kind of put some of my traits in Lucas, but I'm breaking free from this syndrome, I'm doing things for myself now even if my dad doesn't like it. What counts is what I want to be, I'm the only one who can give myself this :)
I think I already told you all, but I had a burn-out and I've taken a sort of gap year to find what I want to do, which brought the whole jewelry thing and I'm going to have in-house training in September :D (I might not update a lot at all, sorry !)

Things are looking up for me, and I'm hopeful it will works out for you too, stay positive and learn to love yourself, learn to be selfish too ! (Not too much tho XD)
I wasn't enough selfish before and I knew my parents sacrificed a lot and I didn't want to disappoint them. I did things they wanted me to do, but now I'm doing what I want and they're not that disappointed except my dad lol (but I know he loves me and just wants the best too). Hannah is a bit based on my sis and their mom on mine too, and while my family is falling apart these months, writing this story made me hopeful.

Maybe my family will break apart, maybe not, and I've only understand while I'm writing this that it's not my place to find a solution for their problems, it's too taxing and stressing. So I'll learn to let go.

But anyway, finally the family will heal together !!!! :DDD
I'm thinking of making a few chap with the fam again, about swimming, Hannah teaching him about woman and youtuber, livestream and all, and the whole problem with journalists annoying them
I think I might make some of the members appear too, I'll see...

All the love Cherries ! <3
Be happy and stay healthy !!!