Trigger Warnings : arguments, crying, post break-up, overwhelming feeling.

 

 

 

Chan feels weird.

 

To go to a complete stranger’s house supposedly his parents and to sleep on a bed that used to be his.

 

He’s not familiar at all with the place and all the adrenaline from his rescue fades away. It sinks in that he’s alive, has a family and soulmates and broke up with Youngsoo.

 

He broke up with his Youngsoo.

 

Chan shifts on the side, feels his eyes burn with tears and can’t stop the sniffles leaving his mouth.

 

Youngsoo had been everything to him. His lover, his friends, his confidant.

 

And to have all of that come crashing down with reality… is overwhelming.

With everything going on, it was hard to even think of losing his lover. A love he wasn’t supposed to have since he’s got soulmates now.

Talking about his soulmates, he doesn’t know what to think about them. They’ve been understanding of his situation when he came back, had let him cry and even held his hands when they were in the car without asking questions, just gentle and caring touches. They’ve talked between each other to ease him in the group but Chan wasn’t really receptive at the moment with what happened, blankly staring out the window.

 

They’re his soulmates but… he doesn’t love them like he loves Youngsoo.

 

Isn’t it… wrong ? Shouldn’t he love them the moment he’s with them ?

 

Well, he doesn’t really know how the whole soulmate thing works, so maybe he’s wrong ?

He doesn’t know. But he’s clearly overwhelmed by his loss and his so-called family.

Changbin had escorted him to the police station where he found his family, teary-eyed and parted lips at his arrival.

He doesn’t want to remember how he’s taken a step back when his mother tried to embrace her, nor the hurt filling her eyes and the way his father ’s shoulders faltered sadly.

He’s been too overwhelmed and tired to file a complaint, every word spilled in his ears forming a headache. They all seemed to notice it was taking a toll on him because they told him to go back home and to rest. And soon after his soulmates had left, he’d been taken by his family, deciding he clearly needed to rest before they talked about everything.

For now, he’s tired, especially since the tears haven't stopped falling. He hadn’t slept in the plane, too engrossed in the mini-games of the screen in front of him and the movies he watched, hoping to forget whatever that shook his world upside down.

He closes his eyes, hoping to fall asleep without the guilt of pushing his family away when they tried to embrace him and the heartbroken loss of his boyfriend, now ex.

 

He hopes to wake up from this reality that seems too much of a nightmare at the moment.

 

 

 

He wakes up to a gentle knock on his door.

He rubs his puffy eyes and sighs when he notices that it wasn’t a dream.

It’s real. Everything he’s been feeling yesterday is real.

He really broke up with Youngsoo.

 

He sits, “Yes ?”

 

“It’s me, you— your mother,” she trails hesitantly, “can I come in ?”

 

Chan wants to refuse for some reason, maybe because it’s all been too much for his tiny stupid brain ?

Or he still doesn’t want to face reality.

 

He presses his lips together, “Yes, come in.”

 

She opens the door, a small empathetic smile and puffy eyes greets him, “Hi,” she says and enters in, closing the door softly.

 

She doesn’t seem to know if she’s allowed to come closer or not.

 

Chan doesn’t know either.

 

“You’ve been asleep for some hours,” she starts, and Chan still feels tired despite that, “and you must be hungry, do you want to eat something in particular ?”

 

Chan knows she’s his mother.

 

But the idea of having a family is so foreign.

 

It’s— he doesn’t know how to act around them. He doesn’t know what a family is supposed to be, except what he saw in movies. And it’s clearly not that. It feels awkward and heavy and he doesn’t like that he’s the cause of all of that.

 

They’re strangers to him, and he’s family to them.

 

It’s just so wrong.

 

“Not really,” He replies, stares at his hands on his lap, unable to meet her soft gaze.

She walks closer, until Chan feels the bed dips with her weight.

The shutters aren’t completely closed, which lets some light in the room and he can decipher her from the darkness looming low.

“I remember when you were three, you used to always ask for a story before you sleep,” she murmurs. Chan watches how her eyes get lost in memories with a nostalgic smile on her face, “and you wanted a different one every night, if I made the mistake to tell one you already heard, you’ll scold me,” she chuckles and Chan smiles a bit, gazing back at his lap.

“Sometimes you’ll be the one to tell me stories, you were really cute,” she smiles brighter, before she falters, “it’s… it feels weird, isn’t it ?”

Chan can’t say the opposite. He nods, a soft hum echoing in the quiet room.

“You have a younger brother and sister now,” she looks at him for the first time, eyes glinting sadly, “and you’ve grown so much,” she can’t help but press her hand on his leg, just under his knee. She squeezes the place, “you’re a man now, and I—” she cuts herself when her voice shakes. She takes a deep breath before exhaling shakily, blinking quickly her tears away, “— we couldn’t see you grow.”

Chan feels his own eyes gloss, her deep-rooted sadness touching him.

 

Weirdly, despite her being a total stranger, he already knows what she’s going to say.

 

“If I hadn’t lost you that day—”

“Stop, don’t say that,” he cuts her and gets closer, can hear her sobs and feel her shoulders rack weakly as he presses a hand on her back, “it wasn’t your fault, it was—” him, it’s his fault. Even though he can’t believe it, feels it like poison on his tongue, “— him. If he wasn’t there, you would’ve found me back or— or maybe someone would have taken me to the nearest police station or I would’ve found you,” he blinks his tears away, “it’s not your fault and I’ve never thought it was.”

She still sobs next to him, less than before and Chan wonders how long she cried for him ? How long has she been hoping to find him back ? How long did she look for him that day and the next ?

 

How long did she start to think he was dead ? Or taken by someone ? Or forced into something horrible ?

How long did the guilt hit her from the inside ?

 

What he knows is that it must’ve been hard, so hard.

 

And Chan mourns the time she lost worrying and feeling guilty about him.

 

He smiles shakily, “I don’t even remember that day if you want the truth,” she looks up to him with a sad smile and Chan knows what he wants to do now, takes his very first step in his new life, “let’s start over ?”

 

She smiles, just as shaky as his, “Let’s start over.”

 

 

 

After a good shower and wearing comfy clothes, the anxiety grips him back just as he’s about to take the knob.

 

He’s… going to meet his whole family.

 

Which means his siblings too.

 

Siblings that don’t even know he existed before. They weren’t there when he came into the police station to meet his family too.

His palms start to sweat and his heartbeat races faster as he exhales a shaky breath.

 

Come on, you can do it !

 

He opens the door and goes to the living-room where they’re talking.

 

They stop when they hear his footsteps.

 

Chan feels… awkward and anxious.

 

He clenches his fists and faces reality.

 

He first sees his mother who’s smiling at him. She has her hair tied into a messy bun, eyes still puffy but with something hopeful in. Then his father whose smile is more hesitant and worried. He’s been surprised to find him more fit than what he had imagined and he looks a bit less intimidating here.

His gaze trails to meet with his sister’s eyes, sharp and serious. Chan doesn’t know if she’s trying to look through him or if she holds a sort of grudge against him. Either way, he feels like it’s going to be difficult. And finally his brother's nonchalant but curious eyes. He seems more open about it than their sister, so Chan hopes he’ll not disappoint him.

 

It’s… a lot.

 

He tries to smile, but he must fail pitifully because his sister snorts while his mother glares at her.

He remembers hearing some muffled yelling when he could finally sleep and he wonders if it’s because of him.

 

“So you’re Christopher ?”

 

He already feels his headache coming back.

And he didn’t think he'd hear that name again, “Chan, call me Chan.”

She raises an eyebrow before glancing at their parents in a silent question.

Their mother answers it, “Christopher is actually your second name, but your father kind of forgot to put it in the papers.”

 

Ah. That explains some things.

 

His father nods tensely, “Talking about papers, we’ll have to do yours,” he trails, hesitant when Chan just blinks, “your identity card and your passport, life insurance…” he nervously looks around, “all of that.”

Chan nods hastily and wonders where he should sit down. In front of them maybe ? Or next to his brother ?

He doesn’t have the time to think more because his sister talks again.

“Let’s start the festivity,” She says dryly and Chan can’t help but feel a sort of embarrassment, “I’m Hannah, eighteen years old and glad to know there’s a reason why our parents are so paranoiac and controlling.”

Chan looks at her in surprise, confusion ringing after her words.

 

Paranoiac and controlling ?

 

He thought the opposite. He thought he was ruining whatever his siblings had made, but clearly there’s a lot of things to unpack.

“Hannah,” Their mother scolds with a warning. Hannah simply rolls her eyes.

“Lucas,” His brother speaks with a small smile, completely ignoring their sister, “sixteen and in high-school.”

Chan nods, giving back a more relaxed smile, glancing at their parents. He can feel all of their gazes on him and more particularly on his forearm, bare and scarred. He instinctively presses his hand on them.

Their mother smiles, “So, I guess you’d like to know what we do ? It will be a start,” her husband nods and she explains, “I’m working in the restaurant industry, I’m one of the sous-chefs of a restaurant.”

Chan nods, blinking in surprise. He never thought his mother was doing a job like that, but he clearly doesn’t know a lot about chefs and other things in the food industry.

“I’m a swim coach, I help kids learn how to swim,” his father says, his smile more sincere, so Chan can’t help but say awkwardly and hopefully.

“I— I kind of need to learn how to swim,” he trails, glances at his father who’s blinking in surprise before nodding.

“Of course, I’ll help you with that—”

“Gosh, that’s so funny,” Hannah cuts with another snort. She looks… disbelieved for some reason ?

Lucas sighs and seems to know where it’s going.

“Hannah—”

Hannah shakes her head with a dry smile, “Look at you, trying to act like the perfect family,” she says with mocking sad eyes. She points at Chan whose eyes are wide open at her words, wondering what is happening, “you can try all you want but he’s going to find out how ty you both are.”

“Hannah !” Their father shouts with a deep frown, but clearly Hannah seems used to it. She stands up to leave.

She looks at Chan, “Come to my room when you’re ready to hear the truth.”

 

And with that she leaves.

 

An awkward blank fills the silence and Chan doesn’t know what to do or say after that until Lucas stands up next, “I’ll go to sleep.”

 

“You don’t want to— to talk more ?” Their mother asks hopefully, trying hard to tie back their family together. Then she looks at Chan, “Don’t worry about Hannah, it’s been a rough year for her.”

“Lying isn’t going to make it easier,” Lucas tells her and lifts his hands in surrender when their dad looks ready to protest, “I’m not taking sides, just telling the truth,” he glances at Chan, “I’ve got school, but let’s talk tomorrow ?” and with that he leaves.

 

Chan feels more than awkward now.

 

He hears his parents sigh and sees his mother rubs her forehead tiredly.

“Is… is everything alright ?” He can’t help but ask, wincing at his words.

 

He’s like an outcast, in front of a showcase he doesn’t know anything about. He feels weird and forced into their lives.

 

“It’s fine, completely fine,” she smiles back, though it’s pained, “are you hungry ? I’ve made food.”

He nods and follows her to the kitchen, just wanting to bury himself back in his bed.

 

 

 

Chan takes his phone when he’s finally laying on his bed, cocooned with his blanket, screenlight too high for his poor eyes. He’s been wanting to contact Minho and the others for some unknown reasons, maybe because he doesn’t have anyone else to trust and confide in ?

After the light stops blinding him, he finds himself staring at his home-screen.

 

A picture of him and Youngsoo.

 

He really can’t have one moment for himself, uh ?

 

He snorts dryly before turning off his phone, shifting on the bed to lay on his back and stare at the ceiling.

But then his phone buzzes and he sighs heavily. He takes it back to see he received a text.

 

From : Unknown

Unknown shared a link with you !

If you wanna talk with us

It’s the chatroom

 

Chan hesitates.

 

He could go back to the chatroom but everything’s been too much for him and he’s worried it will only get worse with seven men talking at the same time in the chatroom.

But he’s not tired either.

Maybe he should go see what YouTube is ? After all, he’s heard there’s a lot of videos on that and it could at least entertain him ?

He goes through the apps on his phone to see the red button called YouTube.

He clicks on it and blinks when the app asks him to log in or to make an account. He grimaces, not liking the stress starting to rise with that. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.

Should he make an account ? Is it free ? Will people find him ? What if he does something he shouldn’t ?

There’s only one thing he can do.

He goes back to his message and clicks on the link to the chatroom.

 

SOUWULMATES

 

Christopher joined the chatroom !

 

He can see on the side that most of them are online and he swallows thickly.

 

Christopher : Hi

 

He doesn’t know why he’s so worried, he’s already talked with all of them before, even though it was a bad situation at that time.

 

The Real Suwun🌞 : hi hyung ! :DDD

 

Lord Bread : 👋🙂

 

Christopher : Can someone change my name ?

 

The Victim : on it ! what do u want insted ?

 

Christopher : Uh

Christopher : Chan ?

 

🥵 : you don’t want a smiley with it or something ? :((

🥵 : maybe a nickname ?

 

Chan purses his lips.

 

Christopher : I’m sorry but I’m not in the mood for this

 

The Victim changed Christopher to ⭐Chan⭐ !

 

⭐Chan⭐ : Thank you

 

The Choker : it’s cute tho it suits you well

 

Minhoe😏 : ur name suits you too bin

 

The Choker : asdegthyzkkkk

The Choker : let’s not talk about that hyung

 

Kim Puppy : ert

 

Chan doesn’t really know what they’re implying, but it doesn’t seem to be what he’s thinking about, because clearly choking someone wasn’t something erted, right ?

He shrugs and finally asks.

 

⭐Chan⭐ : I’m not really in a state to talk about everything that has been happening

⭐Chan⭐ : I just wanted to know how to use YouTube ?

⭐Chan⭐ : It keeps asking for an account ? And I don’t have one

 

Lord Bread : ohhhh

Lord Bread : i’m guessing u don’t have a google account

 

Chan does remember Youngsoo showing him a Gmail account which was also his Google account ? But he doesn’t remember it.

 

⭐Chan⭐ : I don’t know

⭐Chan⭐ : I think I have a Gmail account ? I’m not sure

 

The Victim : go to your gmail

The Victim : and c if ur connected

The Victim : if u are then u can click on the button connect to gmail something like that

 

The Real Suwun🌞 : if you don’t you can just make an account

The Real Suwun🌞 : Just don’t fill those that aren’t obligatory

The Real Suwun🌞 : the obligatory one have a sort of *

 

⭐Chan⭐ : Okay I’ll try

 

Minhoe😏 : and if it doesnt work tell us and we’ll make you one

 

⭐Chan⭐ : Thank you

⭐Chan⭐ : For everything

 

Kim Puppy : no worries hyung :)

 

 

 

Chan hasn’t noticed the time and completely forgot everything around him with the numerous videos he’s been watching.

It’s incredible what people can do for others. Incredible how diverse every video is and how it helps him forget. He’s been watching a video of a woman helping an abandoned puppy and then it was a video of a man talking while he drew. There’s so many videos he wants to watch, especially when he finds the channel of a woman teaching about history or a man talking about paranormal stuff.

He’s all too curious.

 

But blinking once, he finds his phone turned off on his pillow and a quick look at the windows tells him he actually fell asleep.

He sits, cracks his back and looks at the clock.

 

It’s nine in the morning.

 

He should maybe get ready for the long day he has.

But before that, he takes his phone and sends a text to the chatroom.

 

⭐Chan⭐ : Thank you :)

 

He turns it off before he can see the different answers and gets ready to go to the police station with his parents.

 

 

 

Chan remembers the police station. He remembers the anxiety, the panic simming through his veins, his heartbeat racing too fast for his liking and the cold sweat taking his back.

He’s been there when he managed to put his soulmates behind the bars and can’t help but grimace at the memory.

 

He really needs to apologize for everything he did to them.

 

He wonders why he gets surprised when he finds Changbin there.

When their eyes meet, he can see the way Changbin fights back a hopeful look, smiles at him and his parents.

“Bang-ssi ?” He calls and his father stands up from where he was seated.

“Yes, it’s us,” Chan follows his parents.

“I’m Seo Changbin, I’ll be helping you with the complaint, follow me please,” he tells them, going through a corridor to go sit in an office.

Chan stares at the floor all the way, wanting to disappear when his mother asks him if he’s really the man on the TV and also Chan’s soulmate.

Changbin flushes at her words but still nods, “Uh yes it’s me,” and to prove it, he shows his arm where his soulmates' names are, and Chan can physically feel his parents relax and glance at him.

When they arrive at the office, someone is already there, a man who’s been waiting for them, it seems.

He stands up to give a greeting bow, like them, “Hi, I’m Son Hyunwoo, I’ll be helping you with Changbin,” he gestures at them to sit and Chan hastily follows, “your case is special, so we’re hoping that every information you have will help us catch Ha Youngsoo, your kidnapper.”

Chan doesn’t like that what he’s saying is the truth. Youngsoo had made bad choices but he still loves him and he even wonders if he should go to jail for what he did. After all, making mistakes is what makes us human, right ?

 

“Chan ?”

 

Chan jolts, looks up to Changbin who’s staring at him with concern, “Are you alright ?”

 

Yeah, but because of him Chan’s meeting his soulmates ten years later and twenty years for his family too.

They’ve suffered because of him.

 

“Yes, I’m— I’m okay,” he replies and goes back to stare at the floor, too tired to lift his head any longer.

Changbin nods, before putting on the table a book, pushing it in front of Chan.

Chan recognizes it as his diary. He takes it off from the plastic bag, ignores the worried looks his parents send to the police officer, turning the pages. “It’s my diary—” he cuts himself when the last page used is not what he remembered writing.

 

It’s a note from Hyunjin to Changbin.

 

In it, he’s telling Changbin he found the phone behind the clock but isn’t charged up. He’s also telling him to read Jisung’s notes and all the others if he needs to remember something. And then he’s telling him how happy he is to soon have Chan by their side with some crying smileys.

And last, he says I love you T3T.

 

Chan… hasn’t thought about that.

 

But it makes sense that they communicated with notes.

“I didn’t know you…” he can’t finish his sentence, because despite doing all of this on his back, they cared about him.

They just were trying to open his eyes, tried to be understanding and kind with their words, but again it’s a situation they must not know how to handle, which explains the rather extreme words they used or the frantic calls of him to open his eyes.

 

He’s been so blind.

 

“We’re sorry for that,” Changbin cuts his thoughts and Chan finally looks up to him. He looks sad and guilty, lips a thin line, “for lying to you. We kind of got desperate.”

Chan shakes his head as he closes his diary, “It’s fine, I get it now, why you did all of this for me,” his gaze falters in regret, “sorry for being so… stubborn, I was stupid.”

He can feel his mother rub his back soothingly.

“You weren’t,” Changbin retorts with a smile, “you fought for your beliefs and we all respect you for that, we’re all glad to have you back and that’s what counts.” he grins and something in Chan relaxes, “let’s start over ?”

Chan nods, shares a knowing look with his mother, “Yeah, okay, let’s start over.”

 

Hyunwoo smiles, “Then let’s begin.”

 

 

 

It’s an hour after they leave the police station. Chan had explained his point of view of the situation, his whole life by the side of Youngsoo. He didn’t really expect his parents to react this strongly with his words. They’re both upset, while his mother’s eyes are burning with tears, his father had a threatening glare, holding the hand of his wife.

 

He wondered if it was after he talked about or if it was from the start.

 

Either way he didn’t know how to take their reactions.

 

Chan sends Changbin one last look, of gratefulness, of barely hidden guilt, before they part away.

Chan follows his parents to the doctor next, doing a check-up to make sure everything’s fine. After all, at Youngsoo’s house he couldn’t go to the hospital if something had happened to him, though Youngsoo had called a doctor when he felt sick. Clearly a friend that knew the whole situation. Maybe someone working with him on his experiment ?

Who knows.

But it feels weird.

His parents are waiting outside while the doctor, a man in his forties asks him to take off his clothes and he just freezes.

He doesn’t know if it’s normal and although he’s awkward he decides to listen, ears burning hot in embarrassment.

He keeps his boxer on, tries to ignore the man’s eyes on him before he’s asked to go on the balance. Chan listens, goes on it and watches the numbers appear.

Next the doctor’s measuring his height and asking him questions.

 

How are your teeth ? Do they hurt ? How is your sight ? Do you have difficulty to see from afar or the opposite, to see from close ? Does it hurt somewhere in particular ? Do you have difficulties eating a certain type of food ? Are you fine with flowers ? Cats ? Or do you have some reactions ? Do you have headaches ? Does it happen often ? Did you already have surgery for something ? Did you already faint this year ? Are you vaccinated ?

 

He doesn’t know most of it, but he remembers Youngsoo using a syringe on him every now and then. He gets sick too sometimes and doesn’t remember having any reaction to flowers but again he never had gotten any real flowers, except the plastic one Youngsoo gifted him.

 

After that, it’s questions on his mental health that starts.

 

How are you feeling now ? How have you been when you found out about your kidnapping ? I heard you fought with your soulmates ? How do you feel about that ? You’ve been in a relationship with Ha Youngsoo, your kidnapper, what can you say about it ? How was he with you ? Do you feel betrayed ? Do you still love him ?

 

Chan feels a lot. It’s too intrusive for him and he’s starting to be hopeless in answering the questions and hesitant and too much—

By the time they finish, Chan feels drained and bitterly sad.

He doesn’t listen to his parents talking with the doctor, advising them to go to an allergist, an ophthalmologist, a dentist, and a psychologist. He also recommends doing a blood test just in case.

It will help him they say, yet he’s just feeling dragged through things he barely understands. It’s like everyone’s swimming easily while he drowns, struggles to keep his head above the water with the pace they imposed.

He keeps it to himself though, because he can’t complain now that he’s here, not when his family and soulmates had it rough from his stupidness.

 

So he keeps quiet and follows his parents to eat in a restaurant before going to the city hall to start the process of doing his papers.

 

 

 

When they’re finally back home, Chan just wants to bury himself in his bed and hug something to stop the weird loneliness taking back its place in his heart.

 

It’s stupid of him, especially when it’s now that he’s surrounded the most with people than he ever has been.

 

He even has his soulmates a phone away, yet he can’t find in him to send a text with the burden weighing on his mind.

He’s really been awful with them.

And he can’t even understand how they can forgive him for what he did.

He’s threatened them multiple times, looked ready to murder Minho, punched Changbin, yelled at them— he’d been an .

Chan barely hears his father telling him to go rest, mind buzzing with tiresome. He listens, gives a weak smile before going to his room.

He doesn’t bother to close the door, simply lets himself fall face first on his bed and closes his eyes.

 

He’s so tired.

 

He thinks he falls asleep at some point because he jolts in surprise when a door gets slammed. He looks back at the door, heartbeats in his ears before standing up to see the commotion.

 

He peeks his head outside of his room to see his mother sighing in front of Hannah’s room, “Is everything okay ?”

She smiles at him, “Yeah, don’t worry,” she waves him off before going downstairs while Chan lingers here.

He doesn’t really know if he’s ready to face his family’s problems but he wants to understand at least.

He wants to be a part of the family.

So he goes in front of Hannah’s door and knocks.

She doesn’t answer him.

He hesitates, “Hannah ? It’s— it’s Chan.”

Still no answers.

“I… wanted to know the— the truth ?”

Silence.

Chan pauses. Should he try knocking again ? Or does she not want to see him ?

 

“She’s got her headphones on.”

 

Chan startles in surprise, looking at his brother, Lucas who’s going to his room, “Enter her room if you want to talk to her.”

Chan nods, hopes he isn’t flushing from embarrassment but then Lucas adds, “Hannah’s blunt, so don’t take it too badly, it’s her personality.”

The older nods again, earning one back before Lucas closes the door of his room. He looks back at Hannah’s door, takes a deep breath before exhaling and opening her door.

He closes the door and looks at her, who's busy writing something on her computer, back facing him.

He doesn’t know if he’s supposed to show his presence, but decides to go to her, tapping her shoulder and making her screech.

He backs off quickly, just as startled by her scream.

“What the ,” she says as she takes off her headphones and looks at him, “who said you could enter in ?”

Chan swallows thickly his discomfort, “Uhm, Lucas ?”

Hannah stares at him blankly for a few long seconds, before she sighs, “Of course it’s him,” she focuses back on her work, “what do you want ?”

It’s cold and blunt.

Chan feels too out of touch with her, “I don’t know, I— I wanted to know more about you and the— our family… ?” he winces, “If it’s okay ?”

She pauses her typing.

Chan feels awfully judged despite her not even looking at him, “I know it must be a— a lot for you and for— and for our family,” he cringes, tries to smile, “it’s a lot for me too, I didn’t even know I had siblings until yesterday,” he lets out an awkward chuckle, hopes to relax the tension, “and I don’t know how we’ll make it work, but if I’m too much, you can tell me.” He doesn’t really feel hurt that his siblings wouldn’t like him, they’re strangers to him after all, just like he is to them. “I mean I’m old enough to live somewhere else, maybe with my soulmates.”

He lets the silence hang for a few seconds to give her time to process his words.

 

“Oh but you’re not the problem here,” She replies and turns on her chair with a deadpan look.

 

Chan waits for her explanation.

 

“The problem is our parents.”

 

He blinks, “Oh.”

 

Hannah frowns in annoyance, “I’m gonna be honest, I’ve known about you last year,” she trails before gesturing at him to sit on her bed, which he hastily does. “I was wondering why our parents were so much up our asses, you know ?”

Chan doesn’t but he still nods for her to continue.

“We weren’t allowed to go out with our friends, I couldn’t go spend time with them or even have a pajama party in one of my friends’ houses, if I was late of a minute they’ll call me and yells at me to come back, that I had so called broken their trusts,” she makes a grimace, “our lives here, has been jail to us,” she says simply, Chan gets her point of view, but he can understand too why their parents were like this.

 

Because of him.

 

“They don’t trust us, you know ? Wants me to be accompanied by someone they know in case,” she huffs tiredly, “I can’t really live like that, without my freedom.”

Chan hums in understanding.

Hannah continues, “And then I looked through some of our photo album, and one of them had pictures of you as a baby,” she murmurs, “I’ve confronted them with that and they told us about you, Bang Christopher Chan.”

 

The older swallows.

 

“And now ? They’re acting as if nothing’s wrong, like we’re the perfect family,” she makes a face, “we’re not.”

 

“But you— you know why they’ve been like this now, right ?” He asks hopefully, “And we can talk about it—”

Hannah grimaces, “Try if you want, but I had enough,” she turns back her chair to focus on her work, “I’m just hoping to get away from them and actually make my life now.”

Chan stares, dreadful, “What ? What do you mean ? You want to leave ?”

“Calm down dude,” she tells him in English, “I’m gonna be in a dorm next year since I’ll be in an Art uni,” she smiles just at the thought, “I’ll finally be free.”

Chan can’t understand that.

“Does— does that mean you’re not coming back ?”

Hannah raises an eyebrow at her before humming in realization, “I forgot you don’t know about school,” Chan flushes at her bluntness, “no, I’ll come back on the week-ends if I want to, and on holidays, no worries.”

Chan relaxes, he still wants to spend time with them to learn more about them.

“So and you ?” She asks, “how was life in that psycho’s house ?”

 

“Don’t call him that.”

 

A few seconds passes by and Chan pales at how he talked to her.

 

“Wait, you really like that weirdo ?” She asks in disbelief with her eyebrows shooting up.

 

“He’s not a weirdo—”

“Well, you still got twenty years of difference—”

“— that doesn’t mean anything !” He cuts her again, “it’s just a number, we loved each other.” He explains.

Youngsoo was— is a good man. He’s kind and caring. Yes he didn’t take the best of choices but he had his reasons.

He understands him in a way, loneliness is for no one. And to know the person they love the most is dead, can only break you. It must’ve been so hard for him to continue living, knowing he’ll die alone.

Hannah lets out a snort, “Wow, he really ed with your brain,” he’s ready to protest but she adds, “like come on, the guy’s an , he literally ruined our family and your soulmates’ lives, you can’t say he’s not a bastard.”

“He had his reasons.”

She scoffs, “I don’t care about his reasons, because of him, our family’s like this, because of him our parents tried to control our every move and because of him you’ve lost twenty years of your life knowing nothing, away from us and your soulmates.”

Chan shakes his head with a deep frown, anger starting to rise, “He just tried to make it better for widowers !” he stands up, “You don’t know what he went through.”

“Oh, because you think you know what we went through ? What our parents went through because of that guy ?” she replies sarcastically, “gosh he really brain-washed you—”

“He didn’t !” He shouts louder than before, hands as fists.

 

(He did. He completely did.

But he’s not ready to face it yet.)

 

He can’t go on that topic right now, he’s emotionally drained.

 

And in love.

 

“Open your eyes, he’s not a good guy at all.”

He’s so upset by her words, frowning in frustration, “You don’t know anything about him, he’s always been sweet and caring, he always took care of me—”

She raises an unimpressed eyebrow, “Still locked you in a room for twenty years—”

He ignores her, voice booming louder, “— when I got sick he’d help me, he’d teach me, he’d help correct me. He’s—”

“Still a kidnapper who taught you to fear the outside world, manipulated you into thinking your soulmates were your killmates, never helped you learn to use internet,” she cuts him back just as nonchalant, resting back against her chair, unimpressed, but the way she keeps glancing at his scarred forearm gives what she’s really thinking, “and I’m guessing more and more can be added, I’m one hundred percent sure you do not know how to use Google.”

Chan grits his teeth, “It’s— he just—” he feels frustrated and tired, which isn’t a good mix, but it’s been so difficult for him too, “— it’s been hard for him.”

“It’s been hard for us too.”

“You just don’t get it.”

“You don’t get it too,” she sings with a stoic smile.

Chan throws his hands in the air angrily, “Fine I give up ! You don’t even want to try and understand him !”

She huffs, too calm for Chan’s liking, “You’re not trying either.”

“Why did I even think having siblings will be fun,” He huffs and goes to leave when Hannah adds.

“That’s what sibling is about,” she smiles annoyingly, “your soulmates aren’t going to tell you what they really think, but I’ll do it for them and you’ll have to live with it.”

Chan glares at her and leaves, closing the door a bit roughly but not enough to slam it.

He goes to his room, shuts the door close and presses his back against it.

 

The next second he’s crying, hot tears rolling on his cheeks and he slides down the door to crumple down, wiping at his eyes constantly in hope to stop the tears.

 

He sobs, shoulders wracking weakly.

He’s so tired from everything.

 

He knows what she said was only the truth, but it’s still too much for him, he can’t handle it, not when he loves him, still thinks of him.

 

He’s still there, looming in the shadow of a cup, a ghost-like touch on his waist, a thought away whenever he sees something in particular.

He’s always there around him and it makes him feel safe.

Even if he knows he shouldn’t. Even if Youngsoo broke his trust so gently. Even when he told him lies, coating them with honey to make it easier to swallow.

 

He loves him and mourns him and yearns for him.

 

 

 

He stares at the window, sun casting down its orange light and he sighs, buries himself in his bed where he feels protected. He closes his eyes and holds his own hand in hope to remember Youngsoo’s firm but gentle one.

 

 

 

 

 

~~~

HAHAHAHAHA I'M BACK
This fic isn't finished yet and I will NOT be regular !
I don't know how it will turn out but it will stay focus on Chan and his family, tho skz will appear sometimes !!!

I don't know when I'll post the next chap, maybe in two weeks or in a month, sorry ! ><
So, Chan's parents haven't really been the best after they thought they lost Chan, it's only normal their traumas gets to touch their children, Lucas and Hannah. While Lucas doesn't seem to mind, for Hannah it's another story... their family is not perfect and I wonder how Chan will react with this ;)
And of course it's hard for Chan since he broke up with Youngsoo, it's gonna take time for him to heal :,(

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!! Hope you're alright and that you spend good time with your family, friends or lovers ! It's the start of the year and it's been really fruitful in terms of fic last year hehe :D
I hope to continue working on fanfics for a long time ! And I hope you, Cherries will continue to read them !!!

All the love <3