#1

Dear You:

It's winter time. All this cold weather makes me more emotional, sensitive and thoughtful. It keeps bothering me. I get exhausted over my own thoughts. Thoughts that linger around, all day. I was never the daydreaming type, guess I have come to "mature" on that aspect in my adulthood.

Taemin keeps making plans for the month almost leaving us without any free days. I suppose is the whole vibe of December, time for hot drinks and all kinds of sweets, the winter concerts, the gifts and the glitter and sparkles, I like winter, I love winter, actually, it's just that this year, things seem to be different, I feel different, sort of nostalgic, between bittersweet and sad. I know where this comes from. As to why I have decided to write this draft emails.

Staying on drafts until I find the receiver. And that if I manage the courage to send them. Meanwhile they'll stay on safety area.

If I could give face to this feelings, they would be a broad back, strong footsteps, black hair and sculptured side, an air of confidence and bit of seriousness ,it could be intimidating, until bittersweet and sad smile and it's soft and secure, to the point it makes you smile, while nostalgic dresses on beige coats, clean and smooth suits, fresh and clean, and I like to imagine he smells of forest, the morning rain and the first sun rays.

My dear, your human self has embodied feelings I never felt and I honestly don't know what to do with them.

That uncertainty brought myself to buy the latest cosmopolitan magazine (again), between so many titles one caught my attention, "10 sings of true love" Are you really in love or just Into his handsome face?" it said and let's say I was desperate.

However it was anything but help, more like distraught, these top ten signs are always the same and by the number six I was done, this things never have sings as like, to hide just to observe him, or "while drinking coffee your mind wanders if he drinks coffee too, if he likes it hot or cold, with sugar or without, what's the color of his cup?, Does he have a favorite cup? Likes to buy them? What's his favorite drink?"... Let's start with that tho, they never have those, it's all pretty much the same, does he makes you laugh?, You look at him for advice, Are you worried your clothes won't be to his like?, if he's in love I believe that be the last thing he'll catch on... 

What do I know?...

It always ends the same. Magazines in the trash. My money in the trash, with my confused feelings and my longing for you. Don't worry, I always get them out of the trash can in the middle of the night, back to me, back to my heart or it could be they find a way out and back to my heartache?

Seems my feelings have gotten the best of me, you, have gotten the best of me.

At work I past the first few hours from blog to blog, or quiz to quiz while praying Taemin doesn't find out or my boss keeps thinking I'm working "earnestly". 

Blogs and quizzes? Yes, blogs about love, love at first sign, "the moment I took the courage to confess", "I was in love and I didn't know it", they go like that. Then the quizzes about "are you really in love?", "it's time to listen to your heart?", "30 and confused about love?", that one was hilarious.

Isn't it normal to look for answers? That's a great  question. Is it normal to have a potential boyfriend and being in love with a man you don't even know, that's making you waste your money and energy on stupid magazines, making you loose your sleep because you can't stop thinking about him, trying to see if it's real love when you don't even know his name? That's a question(s) it shouldn't exist..

But here I am writing you my heart out on my email drafts while I drown my sadness on a very sugary caramel latte with extra whipped cream because I haven't seen you in a week. All while looking for your figure in the ocean of people on the subway,  streets, or every shop I enter (even if taemin is besides me), looking at every man but none is you.

Guess that's how "love" goes.

P.S. I kept the 26 page of cosmopolitan. "Is it possible to connect telepathically with your lover?" The title said.

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