Have you ever been in love? Can you remember the exact moment you realise you fell head over heels in love with your partner? Was it when they smiled at you over a candle lit dinner or when you’re in the throes of passion and it slipped from your lips too quickly for you to catch it? Was it when they did something silly and it made you laugh or was it when they were doing something they loved?

For me it was none of those things. It wasn’t when we danced down alleyways to music heard in the back ground. It wasn’t when she kissed me in front of all of her stupid friends as they made fun of us. It wasn’t even as I drew her sleeping face.

It happened during a cold December evening. It had been a year since we began dating and, against my better judgement, Yongsun dragged me to the Christmas markets located in a park just outside where I live. Snow, sludge and a consistently frozen breeze slowed us down as we walked hand in hand to the stalls.

Despite being a Parisian and living here my whole life, I’ve never been to the Christmas market stalls. It was something that huge crowds were attracted to and I always tried to avoid crowds if I could help it. I never saw the appeal of squeezing passed drunkards as they meandered to and from vendors with pints of ale or mugs of hot chocolate held loosely in their hands.

Yongsun dragged me by the hand from stall to stall buying small and extremely overpriced trinkets for her family back home. Despite her Buddhist upbringing, Yongsun loved Christmas. She was able to separate it from Christian traditions and just use the holiday as an excuse to be with family and buy gifts of appreciation for people. Last year she bought me a rather expensive necklace that I suspected she purchased with the money I had been paying her to model for me.

Wearing my Bobby hat, my gloves, my scarf and a pair of my warmest sweatpants, Yongsun looked both well heated and incredibly snug. She wore that many layers that she couldn’t move properly. The only skin she was showing was her rosey cheeks and those eyes that lay my soul bare.

She ordered us two hot chocolates from the vendor that she swears makes the best drinks in France before leading me to a small bench that had the perfect view of the Eiffel Tower behind her. To me, and to any other human with healthy eyes, it was a magical sight to behold. The lights of the tower behind her head as she cupped the mug in her cold hands and blew on it to avoid burning was something that made my heart yearn in a way it’s never done before.

Then it hit me. Something so simple became a turning point in my life.

I’m in love.

_________________________________________

Being in love with someone was a surreal feeling. I was the happiest I’ve ever been, but also the most anxious. Realising that the feelings you harbour from someone has gone from crush to all out love was ing terrifying. What if she didn’t love me back? What if there was someone she loved more than me? What if, what if, what if?

That’s all I could think about.

She slept most nights in my apartment, but hadn’t officially moved in. I wanted her to live here. I wanted her to be more of a permanent fixture within my life. But actually gathering the courage to ask her was the hardest challenge I’ve faced since meeting her in that alleyway and asking her to be my muse.

I came home one night a few days before my birthday to the most glorious sight I’ve ever seen. After a long and hard day of university and then having to sit through a meal with my parents as they berated me about taking over the family empire - something I’d be at - I returned to the safety of my apartment and instantly sighed in happiness when the warm embrace of central heating hit me.

Instead of stumbling through the darkness and flopping against my mattress like I do most nights, I wandered down the small corridor towards my kitchen and almost cried at the sight I saw. Yongsun was singing and dancing around my moderately sized kitchen as she prepared a homemade meal for the both of us. It was so wonderfully domestic and filled my heart with so much love I thought I’d burst with happiness.

She didn’t notice me. She was singing to whatever song she had on using her AirPods to cancel outside noise. Her singing wasn’t bad, but it was clear to me that she was just singing for the fun of it rather than trying to impress her imaginary audience.

I watched her for almost two songs. My heart, which was already overbearing, beat harder and louder with every squeak of her voice and every flick of her ladle she had turned into a microphone. She ended her second song with a turn towards me and just as she began bowing, her eyes locked on to me causing her to stand up straight, widen her eyes and drop her ladle.

Oh man, I was deeply in love with her.

As we ate we talked about our days. Hers began with some spilling coffee on her coat whereas mine started with my classmates whispering behind my back as they hid a canvas I was working on behind a bin. You wouldn’t believe these people were closer to being thirty than they were twenty.

Her arms became more animated as she talked and I couldn’t help but just sit there and gaze at her as she wittered on about her roommates and their horrible sleeping patterns. I wasn’t paying much attention, her eyes had hypnotised me and made me become a brainless zombie. I didn’t realise she had stopped talking until she waved a hand in front of my face. My cheeks flushed a deep crimson shade as I blinked away the awkwardness that fell between us.

God I hope I wasn’t drooling.

“What are you thinking about?” She asked as she began picking at the bowl of kimchi with her chopsticks.

“You.” I answered without thinking.

Yongsun’s cheeks burned instantly. They became a few shades darker than crimson and reminded me of when she was drunk and her whole face would turn this deep maroon colour. It was a glorious sight to behold how she’d roll her eyes and try to suppress the grin on her face.

“The show at the opera house is tomorrow.” Yongsun whispered after more silence fell between us. “You’re still coming right?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

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Going to the opera house wearing formal attire was a Parisian tradition, or so I’ve heard. Whenever my father would drag me to plays or musicals I always had to wear a dress I hated and little sandal like shoes that rubbed awkwardly against my foot and gave me blisters. My mother would call me the cutest girl in the world and then she’d say the exact same lie to my sisters so the effects of the compliment wore off quite quickly.

This time, I’m not going because I’ve been told I had to or I’m being physically manhandled to the theatre, but I was asked to quite timidly by Yongsun. She acted as though it wasn’t much of a big deal, but she was the lead pianist for this opera and to be as young as she is and become lead pianist was a huge ing deal.

I was stood in a long queue outside the Palais Garnier with Yongsun’s roommates and close friends, Wheein and Hyejin. Both of them wore fitting and beautiful party dresses with faux fur coats and four inch heels. I felt a little daft wearing a suit, but I’d feel more comfortable in a tie and blazer than I would in a dress and heels.

“ it’s freezing.” Hyejin shivered as her teeth clattered against one another.

“Did we have to come so bloody early?” Wheein moaned.

I chuckled at the two as they began bickering over whose idea it was to head to the opera house before the doors were even opened. I daren’t tell them it was me. It’s always best to be early than late. I’d rather freeze a little now than rush around sweating later. Plus we can get to our seats, toss our stuff down and then go and grab drinks.

The hot air of the opera house was a welcome relief. Both Hyejin and Wheein made weird noises when the central heating from the vents hit them. With help from a nice usher who may or may not have slipped Hyejin his number, we were guided towards our own private box to the right of the stage. Yongsun offered to get us free tickets but as it’s her first show I wanted us to watch it in complete and utter style. I had to drop a few names with the ticket sellers but it was worth it as we shimmied into our booth and saw the view.

The two girls wasted no time in getting a little tipsy and swore blindly that getting drunk means they’d enjoy the opera more. As someone who’s been dragged to shows like this all my life, I’m inclined to agree. But I can’t get drunk. Imagine Yongsun’s face when she sees us later absolutely faced on wine and shots. She’d kill me. Plus it’s not worth upsetting her, nothing will ever be worth that.

Operas were long, longer than most plays I’ve ever been to. The storyline was hard to follow but the acting was good. The voices that came from these people was magnificent. I think that out of all the pop singers in the world, there is only one who could make the transition to operas and that’s Adele.

If Yongsun was nervous before the show started, you wouldn’t have been able to tell. Her on the piano resembled a fifty year old veteran pianist and not a woman in her late twenties. Her back was facing me but I knew exactly how concentrated her face looked. It reminded me of all those times she would play in my living room, either to practise or just for fun. Her melody always lulled me to sleep and I’d wake up an hour later with my feet in her lap as she watched some true crime documentary on my tv.

I could hear Wheein and Hyejin bickering about leaving early, but I shut them out. All I could focus on was Yongsun. She’s seen me in my element as I drew paintings of her over and over again and got to witness my ultimate happiness and now I got the chance to see hers. It was a wondrous sight.

Oh no. I’m falling harder in love with her.

________________________________________

“Move in with me.” I whispered against her collarbone as we lay together in bed.

“What?” She asked as she pushed back slightly against my shoulders.

I sat up and knelt in between her legs as my confidence dwindled slightly. My hands ran along her silky smooth thighs but my eyes avoided looking at anything other than her bellybutton. My mouth became unbearably dry as though I had swallowed a fist full of sand.

Yongsun sat up too. It was a little awkward for her because of how I was knelt, but she moved backwards and mirrored my pose. Her hands were warm as they cupped my cheeks and forced my face to look up at her.

She was so beautiful. Even in her barefaced bliss, she was ethereal. Christmas morning had never felt so good. The Eiffel Tower’s early morning lights was the only thing illuminating my bedroom and cast a beautiful glow into the room.

She kissed me gently before pulling back and tilting her head inquisitively at me. My tongue was like a lead weight in my mouth. I couldn’t speak. The nerves had hit me and all I wanted to do was crawl under my sheets and never come out ever again. But her eyes coaxed confidence from the deepest parts of my soul but this time I asked her it as a question rather than a statement.

“Would you like to move in with me?” I asked in a small voice.

“In here?” She asked. “I couldn’t afford to pay rent.”

I shook my head as my eyes widened in alarm. “I wouldn’t want you to pay rent.” I said shocked. “I’m asking you to live with me, not pay me money.”

Her mind was awash with conflicting thoughts. Moving in meant a commitment to what we are as a couple and even though I was ready for any kind of commitment from her, I wasn’t sure if she was also ready. I mean, she spent most nights here anyway. So much so that Wheein and Hyejin genuinely think she’s moved out. But this would make it official. This would mean that every day she would wake here, shower here, have breakfast and dinner here. There would be no confusion over when we got to see one another, we’d fall asleep in each others arms and wake up to each others morning breath.

I hope she wanted all that as much as I do.

“Is this my Christmas present?” Yongsun chuckled awkwardly. “A new home?”

“No.” I shook my head. “You’re Buddhist, I didn’t get you a Christmas present.”

Yongsun’s eyes widened and mouth opened in shock as she tried not to laugh at my lame joke before launching a barrage of attacks to my shoulder. She pushed me onto my back on the bed and straddled my waist before pinning my hands to the bed and leaning down to ghost her lips against my neck.

I would have been terrified had it not been incredibly y to me whenever Yongsun took charge in bed like this. She bit down on the skin under my ear before pulling back and glancing down at me like a hunter to its pray.

Her eyes softened briefly as she whispered, “I would love to move in with you,” before attacking my lips with her own.

________________________________________

Christmas Day was one of my favourite holidays. The gifts I used to receive from Santa Claus was the best. It took me a long time to come to terms with his nonexistent myth, but my father bought me a new PlayStation to soften the blow of the worlds favourite home invader not being real.

But this year was either going to be the best I’ve ever had, or the worst. It started out perfectly, Yongsun moving in and then having the best of my life. But it could turn sour as I drove the two of us to my parents home on the outskirts of Paris.

I was nervous. They knew I was seeing someone, but they assumed I was seeing a man rather than a woman. I didn’t know their views on homouality as we never really talked about it when I was growing up. We were an arts family that barely watched television and instead immersed ourselves in music, literature and performance arts. None of those exposing us to anything outside our bubble of ignorance.

A drive that would normally take two hours because of Parisian traffic, took barely an hour. Everyone was inside enjoying their Christmas Day or just enjoying the public holiday off work. I was hoping for some seriously bad traffic that could delay me getting to my parents, but no. It was as clear as the Caribbean Sea. I wasn’t asking for crashes or anything horrific, just climate activists glueing themselves to the road would suffice.

I never realised how daunting my parents home was. It was a small mansion that dated back to the renaissance period and had been modernised to todays technology. Outside