Jeon Jungkook sighed as he let his fingers slide across the keyboard, the appendages moving more from muscle memory than any actual thought. He had been playing since he had woken up at eleven in the morning and it was now four in the afternoon. He hadn’t even washed up from his sleep, sweat from the warm Seoul day slicking across his body. He knew he could turn his air conditioner on but he enjoyed the feeling of heat on his skin. It made him feel like he might be sitting on the beach in Busan instead of his bedroom in Seoul.

He should be working on his song that he had promised Namjoon would be done by the end of the week but he couldn’t seem to focus on it. And besides, he knew it would be ready. He was too scared of Namjoon’s wrath for it not to be.

He cursed under his breath for a moment when he saw that his split second distraction had caused him to lose a life and had him restarting the level over. He decided he should probably end for the day and spend some time outside of his room. He had been trying to be more aware of just how much time he spent there lately and so he pressed the lid of the laptop he was using down and slid it back on the desk. He had a moment where he thought he should do a Vlive but he had done one the other day and he knew he was just using it to avoid the empty notebook that Yoongi and Namjoon would want to see something written in soon.

Cracking it open, he saw a blank and empty page yelling back at him. Pages had been torn out and vague ghost indentations were there if you ran your fingers across the ones that were left. He really was trying to put something down on paper but everything seemed silly or uninspired. Jungkook thought of his hyungs Namjoon and Yoongi who could write masterpieces in a matter of hours but he hadn’t been able to write a line in a month since Namjoon had asked him to try. Maybe it was the pressure of impressing his hyung or maybe it was the pressure of failing his own expectations but whatever it was made him tense at the thought of doing it every time.

Jungkook found his hands start to doodle, a random picture of a boy holding a kite high above him in the sky. His hands drew the image quickly, sharp as they scratched across the stark paper. The energy of the drawing was bright and open as he let the picture grow organically. He lost track of time as he got the details just right and was startled when he heard someone clear their throat beside him. It cause this pen to skid across the page, ruining the perfectness of what he had been picturing in his head. He was about to curse at whoever had caused the mistake but when he turned, he saw the one person he never cursed at. The person who he respected in a way that was felt in each cell of his body.

“That drawing’s good,” Kim Namjoon said as he tapped the paper. “I like the way you did the hair. Gives a great sense of movement.”

“Thanks hyung,” Jungkook said as he felt his cheeks flush. Praise from any of his fellow members was a craving he would never satisfy.

“It isn’t a song though.” Namjoon crossed his arms over his broad chest, his leader vibe clearly being displayed. “Come on JK. You have to commit to getting something on paper. Something as stupid or brilliant as it can be but something written down on that page.”

Jungkook hung his head in shame. “I know hyung. It’s just nothing seems as …” Jungkook felt his eyes drifting towards the filling garbage bin. Crumpled pieces of the paper from the notebook were teetering and about to fall to the floor. Each one represented an attempt at what Namjoon had asked him for. Each one was a failed attempt to meet Namjoon’s skill.

His leader sighed and sat on the corner of Jungkook’s bed. “As what?” He rested his forearms on his legs and leaned towards the youngest member. When Jungkook hesitated, he leaned forward a bit more. “Please talk to me Jungkook. You know I’m not asking you to do this as a way of punishment. I want all of us to contribute. And I think you have an amazing talent that you won’t trust. I want you to start using that muscle.”
Jungkook felt his face burn even more and he could no longer even attempt to look at Namjoon. These words were hard for him to hear because of their sincerity. Namjoon was the reason he had signed with the small record company Big Hit Records over five years ago. The brash rapper had seemed so confident in himself and what he wanted to do with his music that Jungkook felt himself being drawn along. At times, he had to stop and take a look around just he could recognize where he had come to. When he expressed his love for the group’s leader, it was complete and absolute. Namjoon had given him a life that he treasured and he wanted to pay him back as fully as he could.

And the reason for his struggles with simple words? Because every word he wrote was compared in his mind directly to Namjoon’s. The harsh words for society, the message of loving yourself, the connection he made through those creations that he put in to the world. They were masterpieces that were placed on pedestals while Jungkook’s were cartoons in comparison. Cartoons on the back page of the Sunday paper that you read and then tossed in the trash.

“Jungkook, talk to your hyung. I want to help you.” Namjoon rested his hand on Jungkook’s knee, a soft touch of care that all of the members shared when they felt it was needed. “Finish what you were going to say.”

Jungkook strained to list his head and looked weakly at Namjoon. “It doesn’t seem worthy of you. Of my other hyungs. Of Army.” A choked sob broke through and Jungkook wiped a single tear away, surprise at his emotion coming over him. He rarely cried in front of anyone. When he did so in front of the other members, they worried about him and that was his worst fear. They had given him so much and he couldn’t repay them with more worry. “I’ll try harder, I promise. I’ll make you proud of me.”
“Oh, Jungkook.” Namjoon pulled himself forward and wrapped himself around the maknae. “We are proud of you.” He held him for a second more before leaning back and forcing Jungkook to look at him. “I am proud of you. Forget the song for a few days. I’ll tell the company you had another project you needed to focus on and you’ll get it to them soon. Okay?”

Jungkook nodded, his black hair flopping in front of his eyes. He didn’t want to be given a pass on this but he appreciated Namjoon’s concern. He wiped the few more tears that had fallen with the sleeve of his baggy cotton shirt before leaning back in his chair. Namjoon stood up and turned towards the door. Just before he reached it, he turned and looked at the other. HIs eyes showed concern but he held it in. He knew Jungkook needed a moment to reset himself.

“Hey, the reason I came in here was we need to have a family meeting. I have some news on the new photography project we talked about.” He turned back towards the door and rested his hands on the door knob. He looked like he was going to say something but stopped himself. Instead he turned it and opened the door. “Be in the living room in twenty minutes. Everyone will be there.” And with that, he left. Leader mode had fully returned.

“Sure hyung. I’ll just grab a shower then be there,” Jungkook said to an empty room. He wiped his face one more time before standing up and stretching the kinks out of his back and shoulders. He never should have played that long but it was a distraction from that stupid notebook. He grabbed a towel and some new clothes, ones that looked very much like the ones he was already wearing. Baggy shirt, baggy sweatpants, slides. All in black. It was his own uniform in many ways. Not out of depression, just what he liked.

His bathroom was down the hall. He shared it with bandmates Hoseok and Jimin. They were the only ones who didn’t have an ensuite in the expansive apartment but none of them seemed to mind sharing. And for as much as Jungkook liked being alone in his room, he hated being in isolation. Sharing a bathroom meant seeing the physical reminder of the people in his life. Jimin’s multitude of skin products, Hoseok’s face masks. Bottles of shampoo and conditioner in the shower. All of it reminded him of the people around him. He stripped his clothes off and started the water. After setting it to the right temperature, he stepped in and rinsed the layer of sweat off of his skin. He languished under the water, enjoying the feeling of it on his skin, and lost track of time. Thankfully he had set an alarm and as it shrilled, he knew he was going to be late for the meeting that Namjoon had set. The photography project he had been talking about was a book they wanted to produce after their latest tour. A book of photos that gave Army a different view of the members as they completed their largest tour they had ever attempted. The company had been excited about the idea and had immediately offered their own photographers to shoot the photos. But the group had already talked about it. They wanted a different style than the photo shoots and instagram shots that Big Hit would have produced. They wanted an outsider to see what they could capture on film. A bit deeper and a bit grainier. They had fought them but then PD Bang had come down on their side and there was no stopping them now. He believed in his boys and felt that this would be part of their growth. He had given Namjoon the job of finding the photographer they would use, with his approval. Although everyone knew he would go along with what Namjoon picked. He loved his boys and wanted them to flex their creative juices.

Before getting lost in thought again, Jungkook quickly turned the water off and grabbed the fluffy towel to dry himself off. After throwing his new set of clothes on, he patted dry his hair and headed towards the living room,

Voices drifted down the hall as he approached and he recognized all of them. It sounded like he was the last one to join them. He heard Hoseok’s bright laugh and it made his heart life a little. The impish man had that effect on people.

But he felt himself stumble when he heard words from another member. This one was the oldest. Seokjin was five years older than him and sometimes that made a difference. The member had become a replacement male figure for Jungkook when the young boy had moved from the small town of Busan to the bustling city of Seoul. Cooking meals, making his lunch, driving him to school, buying him dinners at the cafe down the street. There was little he wouldn’t do for Jungkook and what he wouldn’t, he probably just hadn’t been asked yet.

Seokjin’s voice was serious as he spoke, his joking demeanour hidden from view. “… worried about him. I know he always struggles when we are off tour but this time seems different, more critical. I even offered to buy him lamb skewers yesterday to get him out of here and he turned me down. That kid never turns down lamb skewers.”

Jungkook could imagine the other members faces when Seokjin said that. It was true. Food was something he enjoyed and never turned down, unless he was on a diet. But even then, many times he could be convinced.

The next to speak was Jimin. A blonde fairy gracing the earth, he and Jungkook were inseparable most of the time. Both from Busan, they just got each other. “I even asked if he wanted to play a video game with me and he said he was tired. He is never too tired to play!”

“Guys, just relax.” This was Namjoon. Jungkook felt fear that the leader would share the scene in his bedroom with the group. And there was a pause as if he was thinking about doing so. They rarely had secrets from each other, first because of their cramped dorms and then because of their relationships, and this was one that Jungkook hoped Namjoon decided to keep to himself. The pause was broken with a sigh. A picture of him running his hands through his floppy, currently orange-brown-red hair came to Jungkook’s mind. “Look, we all know how he gets when we are in between tours. Hyper, antsy, and moody. It’s harder for him sometimes. He doesn’t know much of a life without that adrenaline. He will learn how to deal with it eventually. Until then, we just need to make sure we are there if he needs to talk.”
A breath escaped Jungkook’s tightened throat. Namjoon would keep his secret for now. Maybe not forever, definitely not forever, but for now.

“Namjoon’s right.” A deeper and gruffer voice spoke now. Yoongi’s voice. The second-oldest member of the group, he came across as a man to be scared of. He was intensely passionate with his music and felt incomplete unless he had a notebook near to catch the wisps of lyrics or beats that seemed to fly through the air around him, ready for him to clutch and record. “He is twenty years old and remembers more of this life than before it. More than any of us. When we get back on tour he will be fine. We just need to keep on …”

Jungkook couldn’t hear anymore. He loudly cleared his throat as he was about to round the corner of the hall in to the living room, pausing long enough for them to stop the conversation before he came into view. It was hard to hear them talk like that. As if he was becoming a mental basket case. He forced a smile on his face and decided he needed to make more of an effort. Needed to stop their worries. He would play games with Jimin until the sun came up tomorrow. He would buy Seokjin lamb skewers instead of the other way around. And he would get that damn song done for Namjoon and Yoongi.

All of them became quiet when he entered and he saw a spot had been saved for him beside the member’s voice he hadn’t heard. Taehyung was the closest to him in age but in many ways very different. He was more soulful than Jungkook, a prankster that walked to his own distinct beat. Taehyung patted the empty spot on the couch beside him, moving over slightly to make more room. Jungkook sat down between him and Jimin. He felt an arm rest around his shoulders and looked to see Taehyung looking towards the leader but a caring smile on his face as he let Jungkook settle against him. He simply wanted to let his maknae know he was there. He also felt Jimin lean against him as well, pressing his body softly against Jungkook’s side. To people who didn’t know them, they may mistake the affection for something more but to the three of them, it was comforting. As if each of them were the other’s teddy bears.

Jungkook looked around the group and felt the punch of appreciation he felt so often when they were all together. When he had first met each of them, he had wondered if he had been crazy to sign on for this experimental group. Their personalities seemed so different and clashing but it turned out to be the opposite. What others would think would push wedges between them actually drew them together. Seokjin’s childlike spirit, Yoongi moody but caring heart, Hoseok’s soul of sunshine, Namjoon’s quiet guidance, Jimin’s infectious hilarity, Taehyung’s search for honesty. All of it made the group work. He often wondered what his contribution was besides being the youngest member who had rock solid abs. They told him he contributed his own piece but he felt like they said that to give him his slice of praise.

Namjoon clapped his hands together and leaned forward. A sign that he was taking charge. All members faced him and waited for what he was about to say.

“So, I know we all talked about this new project we wanted to do for the tour. And I was given the responsibility to find someone I thought would be appropriate.” He paused, speaking thoughtfully. When it came to BTS, he did everything thoughtfully. Being leader of this group was what he was. It fit him like an expensive customer suit most days. Some days it was like the one you got for your cousin’s wedding a couple of years ago. Too tight and too short in the legs and arms. Today, it was the expensive one.

“I know I was going to present some options for you guys but I have narrowed it down to one person to be honest. I saw their work at the agency I visited this morning and I think they would be perfect.” Namjoon pulled out his phone and unlocked it, his fingers tapping on the screen while he found what he was looking for. When he did, he passed it to Jin, who was sitting beside him. “I had them send some of their work so you guys could all see it.”

The phone was passed around to each member quietly as they scrolled through the pictures that Namjoon had received. Murmurs of appreciation were heard as each one took note and passed the phone to the next member.

“We talked about a more austere style, less stylized. I think if you look at the photos, they have that slight edge to them we are looking for.”

The phone reached Jungkook and he looked down at the screen. He was surprised by what filled it. The photo on the screen was dark and morose but beautiful at the same time. It was of a small pagoda perched on the top of a rock by a lake, shafts of light drifting down beside it. It almost looked like it was a world buried deep inside of a cave. He loved it. He wished he had taken it. He wanted to find the location and see that exact spot in person. With one photo, he knew that he wanted to meet this person and be photographed by them.

Jungkook was surprised by his reaction. When the project had first been proposed by Namjoon, he had quickly put his hand up in an attempt to take the job over himself. To him, it made complete sense. He loved photography and never went anywhere without his camera, generally packed carefully in the black backpack that he was always pictured with. He also knew the members so well and already had ideas about what types of shots he wanted to take. It would be perfect. And it would give him something to focus on during those down times on the road.

But all of the members had immediately vetoed the idea. Yes, Jungkook was talented in the art. Yes, he knew them well. Yes, he would take great care in preparing a great product. All of it worked well on paper. Then there was reality. Their schedule was full most days when they were touring. And their life was intense. The days they did have off, they needed to rest and recharge and hunched over a computer staring at photos and editing them was not what Jungkook needed to be doing.

Jungkook had argued back. In his head, he wanted to take it on as a gift to his hyungs. A way to share with the world how special each of them were to him. To them, he argued that inviting a stranger in to take such shots, shots that would be as intimate as they had ever shared, would be a risk. What if they sold the photos? What if they didn’t finish the tour? All of it was a concern for a group of men that had to place their trust in so many people.

But the group had insisted he couldn’t do it. If he had to focus on something during the days off, he should focus on the mixtape he kept talking to Army about. Or on improving his English. And there was also the homework from his just started university studies. He had enough on his plate and they would not add this to it.

As he flipped through the other photos, he was glad they had said no to him for once. The person who took these photos intrigued him. Their view of their surroundings seemed imprinted on the images he was taking in.

Taehyung broke the silence as he looked at the photos over Jungkook’s shoulder. His deep and mellow voice came with breathiness as he spoke.

“The shots are beautiful but there aren’t many people in them. They are mostly landscapes.” The others seemed to agree with him. Even Jungkook had noted the absence of faces and bodies being pictured. “Does she have much experience in doing this type of work? Maybe we should just use a Big Hit photographer. I really like the one we had last time we did a short tour.”
Namjoon took his phone back from Yoongi as he looked at the photos last. “They actually have done weddings as well so they are used to shooting people. And the head of the agency they work for highly recommends them. He thinks they would be perfect for what we are looking for.”
Namjoon tucked the phone into his pocket. “Look, I haven’t offered them the job. I have asked their boss to reach out to them and let them know we are interested. I am hoping to do a video call with them in a couple of days once they finish editing a wedding they just shot. But I am sure that unless there is something buried deep in their story, they are the ones to take this on.”

Namjoon was asking for the group’s support. He may be the leader but he did so with a soft hand most days. He understood that the trust they were placing in him came with the diligence of making sure they felt heard.

Jungkook was the first to offer it. He nodded enthusiastically. He truly was excited by the photos he had seen on Namjoon’s phone. “I think hyung is right. I can see their style, their eye for what they are trying to capture. It is different from something than we have ever done before. Isn’t that what we wanted? Not a photo shoot but us. The truth of us for Army to see. I think they can do that.” Jungkook got excited as he spoke, feeling himself lean forward. Everyone noticed his excitement, something they hadn’t seen in a few weeks. “And I trust Namjoon. He would never recommend someone he thought would be wrong for us.”

Namjoon smiled at him, appreciating his support.

“As I said, I haven’t offered them the job yet. I’m going to do a video call with them in a few days. I have to do it before we head off on the short break and then tape Bon Voyage. Big Hit will need time to get the paperwork ready. And if after the call, I don’t think they're right for it, I will keep looking.”

Gradually, all of the members began nodding with grunts of approval. And then they moved on to something else. Hoseok wanted to go to the dance studio and maybe record some stuff to post. Yoongi wanted to head to his studio at the office and work on a new song he was producing for some one. Jin and Namjoon were going to meet friends for dinner. And when Jimin asked Jungkook if he wanted join he and Taehyung in playing a video game, he said yes with no hesitation. He had to keep the promise made only a few moments before. He had to lift the worry from the men who had given him so much.