Content Warning: implied ual content, explicit talk about ual acts

 

***

 

It was simply another day of Siyeon being clingy. Gahyeon couldn’t take one step in the apartment without her girlfriend’s arms wrapped around her shoulders and her cheek nudging against hers. The student wasn’t bothered by it, even if she was working and her eyes were fixed on her laptop, she absentmindedly scratched behind the woman’s ear to acknowledge her presence. They waited like that for a couple of minutes, Siyeon saying nothing and Gahyeon typing fast to get her program done. 

“I’ll run it later to see if it works,” the student sighed.

Siyeon straightened to stop weighing on her shoulders and let her stand up. 

“Does that mean you’re done?” she asked with a note of hope. 

Gahyeon chuckled. Sometimes her girlfriend’s reaction really made her think of a puppy. 

“Yes, that means I’m done,” she answered tenderly, then kissed the older woman on the lips. 

Siyeon beamed with all of her features, sending her cutest eye-smile to her girlfriend who suddenly felt weak. 

“There’s something I want to talk to you about,” she said in a carefree way that was meant to hide a form of uncertainty. 

Gahyeon nodded, waiting for everything to unfold before reassuring her on whatever it was that made her hesitate. 

“The Seoul Art Center just announced their program for the year and there’s a performance I really want to see, but… not on my own,” the piano teacher confessed. 

“What is it?”

“It’s a piano recital. Hélène Grimaud is finally coming to Seoul again. It’s been four years and I couldn’t attend the last time because…” Her eyes got lost in unpleasant memories. “Because Hyera didn’t want to,” she finally said bitterly. 

Gahyeon’s hand rested on her shoulder and started rubbing gently. 

“But anyway!” Siyeon picked up more brightly. “This time I thought we could go together, if you want to. It’s okay if you don’t. I can just ask someone else, maybe Minji would be interested. I just thought that it could be a nice date, you know. And Hélène Grimaud is my favorite pianist, I’ve always wanted to listen to her play in the perfect conditions. But of course, I know classical music isn’t really your thing…”

Her girlfriend watched her ramble with an amused smile, before finally finding a moment to give her answer. 

“It sounds lovely,” Gahyeon said.

Siyeon stopped and looked at her with a lost expression on her face.

“I’ve never been to a piano recital before, unless we count the private ones you give sometimes,” she added giggling. “And if she’s an artist you admire, I’m sure it’s worth attending.”

“Really?” the pianist squeaked, still not believing it. 

Gahyeon cupped her face softly between her palms and peered into her eyes. 

“Lee Siyeon, I really want to go to that piano recital with you,” she repeated. 

The pianist’s hands rested on her wrists. She truly believed her now because she was grinning with all her teeth. 

“I’ll book the tickets now, then.”

 

Gahyeon didn't have much time to think about the recital after Siyeon bought the tickets. She was thrown into the academic time of endless listening and programming, nights that stretched into the day and days that stretched to the next morning. Siyeon appeared sometimes to pause the frame. They were happy together, even more so that they knew they were in love. 

At night when she switched off her desk light and looked at the cardboard calendar pinned on the wall, she saw the date circled in red and counted the days. When only one week separated them from the night of the recital, Siyeon became restless. She would stay at the piano for hours on end, playing Mozart or Chopin, trying to recapture the essence of the piece again and again. She wanted to be shaken by what she was about to hear. She wanted to feel like no matter how many times she interpreted these concerti, there would always be someone who would bring out their truth, someone whose unique sensibility allowed them to see the path that had led to each note written on the staff and when they played it, that path would sound absolute.

In those moments, Gahyeon listened and wondered: what truth was Siyeon trying to bring forth from within herself? 

“What do you like about the pianist we’re going to hear on saturday?” the girl asked one evening to force Siyeon to take a break. 

It took a few seconds for the haziness to leave her lover’s gaze. She took them to think about how to express a feeling that wasn’t entirely made for words. 

“She lives every piece she’s playing,” Siyeon said. “And everytime it feels like she’s playing the notes for the first time even though she spent hours running her fingers over the keys alone to get to that level. She has an understanding of what the melody was really meant to convey and everytime I hear her play it feels like no other interpretation I heard before got it right.”

“So she’s a genius,” Gahyeon summarized, shrugging her shoulders.

Siyeon smiled a slightly sad smile in her direction. “You know, at that level the music world is full of geniuses. It’s not what makes them who they are,” she said softly with lingering pain.

The younger one tried to understand what she had done wrong, why her girlfriend looked disappointed. It could have only been the word she had used, but how else was she supposed to describe someone whose skills could mesmerize their peers in the way Siyeon was describing it. And yet she was displeased, almost as if she had a prior attachment to the word. 

“Were you called a genius too?”

“It used to make my parents proud. It was the only thing they ever saw in me.” The pianist’s eyes rested beyond herself while she was trying to look within. “I’ve always put a part of myself in every piece of music I’ve played, so when they applauded I always thought it was directed at me. I always thought that even though I wasn’t telling them everything they could hear who I was when I played. But they never got it. They never tried to reach beyond the surface, they were just happy that people called me a genius.” She scoffed to herself. “I must sound so self-centered. Tired of being called a genius,” she mocked with a voice that rose emphatically. 

“No, you don’t,” Gahyeon said while settling next to her on the bench. She replaced a strand of hair that had fallen in front of her lover’s eyes. “This is your way of reaching people’s hearts. You just wanted them to understand you.”

“Do you like it when I play?” Siyeon asked. 

“Mmh-hm,” Gahyeon’s low voice vibrated through . Her eyes were staring at the other’s lips. “It’s like it resonates in my heart and gives me chills every time. Like a cold forest stream is running through me when I listen.”

“A cold forest stream…” Siyeon trailed off, smiling at her and brushing the girl’s lower lip with her thumb. “I like that.” Her head dipped to reach Gahyeon’s lips. 

 

***

 

“So let me get this straight,” Han Dong said, raising a brush in front of the mirror. “You're going to a piano recital with Siyeon and your first thought was: ‘let's make my hair red’?” 

Gahyeon clicked her tongue. “It's not like that,” she said with mild annoyance. The two were staring at each other in the mirror while the Chinese woman was applying the dye on her friend's hair. “When Siyeonie talks about music, she's passionate about it, you know.” 

Her friend hummed, not really following. 

“She made me want to try something new. To be a little more myself.”

“Damn, you're so whipped,” Han Dong muttered. 

“Hey!” Gahyeon made a movement to turn her head but a hand put her back to face the mirror. 

“Don't move, I'm trying to cover everything.”

Gahyeon reluctantly stayed put. “She inspires me,” she said, glaring at the other. “Isn't that good?” 

The corner of Han Dong's lips twitched up slightly as she stared back in the mirror. 

“It is,” she answered quietly. 

 

***

 

They decided to meet an hour before the beginning of the recital in front of the Seoul Art Center. It was the beginning of the season and the middle of winter. The night was already dark and the neon lights outside glared aggressively to compete with the light of day. 

Siyeon got there first, she waited near one of the entrances, her eyes riveted on her phone to avoid looking at people around her. She knew Gahyeon wouldn't be long, she only had left slightly after her, but she was certainly glad her suit's fabric wasn't too light. 

“Siyeon?” 

The woman's head perked up, smiling at the familiar voice but gawked as soon as she saw her. 

“Your hair…” 

They both paused, realizing they had talked at the same time. 

“It's short,” Gahyeon said in awe, picking up a strand of Siyeon's short black hair between her fingers. 

“And yours is red!” The older woman chuckled but couldn't look away from Gahyeon's fiery hair. “You look beautiful,” she whispered. 

Gahyeon had gone for a black and white ensemble that would make the red of her hair stand out more. However, for now her white knitted top barely perked up from the collar of her winter coat. 

“And you're stunning,” the student replied. 

Siyeon's short hair framed her face beautifully and stopped right under her chin. The suit she had chosen emphasized her square shoulders and smaller waist while the pants loosening at the bottom made her look taller. In summary, she was nothing short of elegant but with a strong aura attached to her. 

“Thank you,” the woman said, eyes darting at her lover's lips but looking back up immediately to peer in her eyes. 

Not kissing her was going to prove difficult. 

 

They got into their seats not too close to the stage but just a few rows away in the middle. Surprisingly, the crowd was relatively young compared to what Gahyeon had in mind. It turned out that all kinds of people from Seoul's musical scene were showing up to the event, a lot of young musicians and students who had been invited by their teachers. 

“It's going to start soon,” Siyeon whispered next to her. 

She was pinching her girlfriend's hand nervously while rereading the program of the night. Of course she already knew it by heart. She had been so excited to see Debussy and Satie in it when she checked it on the concert page. Hélène Grimaud had chosen contemplative works with nostalgic melodies and somber atmosphere, but also hopeful and full of life, a collection of scenes short-lived. 

The pianist appeared on stage under a roar of applause. Gahyeon was expecting a dress but the woman was wearing a black suit with white floral designs. Her hair was let loose over her shoulders with barely any effort to arrange them. She was here for the art, not the spectacle. The applause died out. The pianist sat and music filled the hall. 

Two hours passed in a blur. As if the notes were creating their own time capsule and trapping in it those who listened to them. Hélène was swaying her upper body slowly as if she was on a spiritual journey. Siyeon was right when she said it felt like she was playing the notes for the first time. There was something pure in the way she delivered them. The pieces succeeded each other like forgotten memories only brought back by fragile chords on a piano. Looking at her, you would never have guessed how difficult some of those pieces actually were. Her fingers moved effortlessly, barely applying strength on the keys, or so it seemed, for the notes resonated strongly like heavy rain or a strong wind carrying the memories away. 

She came back on stage at least four times at the end to receive applause and praise. Gahyeon was still too caught up in the visions the music just gave her to fully comprehend that it was over. Siyeon had to take her hand to guide her outside in the cold night. They didn’t say anything meaningful for the entire time they went back to Siyeon’s apartment. 

Once the door closed on them, the younger girl tried to articulate something but was immediately shut up by two lips crashing against hers hungrily. Her arms found their way around Siyeon’s neck. She didn’t even try to break away from the kiss. The older woman did stop, however, just for a moment, to take in the image of a breathless Gahyeon staring at her hazily. 

“You’re so beautiful,” she whispered. “So beautiful…” and she took the girl’s lips again. 

Gahyeon registered the words but not really. Her head was empty with needs as Siyeon’s touch became rougher. The woman’s tongue was exploring and swallowing her up. Her swollen lips moved away, leaving a wet trail on the girl’s chin and finally at her neck. 

“Siyeon…” Gahyeon moaned. 

The older woman had placed her thigh between her legs and the girl had unconsciously started to move her hips to chase the heat. 

“Should we take this to the bedroom?” Siyeon growled next to her ear. 

Gahyeon was only able to moan as an answer. She felt Siyeon's grip on her waist and clasped her ankles around her. Her lover lifted her up and carried her to their bed. 

 

“So how was your weekend?” Han Dong asked, putting the pizzas on the table as soon as they entered her apartment. “Did Siyeon like the hair?”

Gahyeon took the time to take her shoes and coat off and made her way to her friend’s sofa. “She did,” she answered. Her skin still remembered Siyeon’s lips. “She really did.”

Han Dong raised a brow with curiosity. Her radar had definitely sensed something fishy in the tone her friend had used just now. There was something hidden under the surface there. 

“Okay, what does that mean? What was that tone for, miss Lee?” she said playfully while coming to the living room with two glasses and a bottle of soju. 

The two girls were spending the evening together. Apparently it had something to do with Gahyeon needing to blow some steam from her master and Han Dong was happy to oblige because it had been a while since they had hung out just the two of them except for when she gratefully accepted to dye her friend’s hair, which kinda only half counted. 

Gahyeon lips curled up into a really awkward smile and her gaze ran away from Han Dong which of course didn’t leave much of a doubt as to what was implied. 

“Oh,” the Chinese girl let out. “So you really did a number on her, uh? And then I suppose she did a number on you,” she added with a smirk. 

“You asked if we had a good weekend and that’s my answer,” Gahyeon muttered. She could feel her cheeks burning with embarrassment. 

“Yes and I’m happy for you. At least one of us is getting laid. You don’t need to be so shy about it. is great! And it’s a normal part of a relationship… for those who are looking for that.” Han Dong paused and seemed to look at her friend more seriously, closing her lips into a pensive pout. “You know, at the beginning I was really scared that things were going too fast for you and that it was my fault for pushing you,” she confessed. “But you’re having fun, right?”

She was studying Gahyeon’s reaction for any trace of behavior that could give away some form of doubt about the answer she was about to give, but mostly her friend was just so happy to have people who cared about her like that in her life. 

“Yeah, I’m having fun,” the student answered. “Maybe at the beginning I did feel like this was a lot. I was having all my first experiences and Siyeon was so sweet, but Siyeon… Siyeon can also be so intense.” Han Dong opened as if she was about to say something but Gahyeon cut her short. “I never did anything I didn’t want to do,” she reassured. “But now there are things I really want to do and I don’t know how.”

Her friend stared at her, her mind more at ease knowing that she hadn’t been too pushy or too careless with her friend’s feelings and apprehensions. If she had to be honest she wasn’t expecting the conversation to turn that way for their first girl night in a while because that had never been something Gahyeon was a fan of. At the mention of things she wanted to try in the bedroom, Han Dong had to suppress a wave of unbecoming curiosity. Were they about to talk about kinks?

“I know it’s not something we’ve been doing up until now,” the Chinese girl said with a comforting smile. “But if you want, you can tell me and I’ll help you.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s uh… It’s a little embarrassing,” Gahyeon mumbled while looking away. 

“Gahyeon,” her friend called out firmly. “You’ve either said too much or not enough. There’s no use in shying away now. Is it about kinks? Do you need a good online shop? Do you need advice on toys? Which is it?”

Of course, Han Dong was being voluntarily over the top — although there was no way to know for sure — even if she would also be ready to help with those questions if they were asked. However, somehow she had already sensed it wasn’t something Gahyeon would actually be embarrassed about if she ever got to that point in her life. 

The student actually chuckled at Han Dong’s antics. She appeared to reach a decision in her head before she started explaining. 

“It’s always Siyeon taking the lead and I never had a problem with that because I was clueless about how it went down between two women. Now I’m using my fingers, but…” Her cheeks flamed red again. “But I haven’t done anything else,” she admitted at last. 

Her friend took the time to stare at her. “So you mean to say that you want to go down on her,” she blurted out with a straight face. 

Gahyeon hid her face in her hands, now fully regretting this conversation. “I never should have started this,” she whined. 

“Hey, look at me,” Han Dong said softly. Gahyeon risked a glance between her fingers. “How long have you been together?”

“Six months.”

“It’s not that long,” her friend said with a smile. “These kinds of things take time. You can’t just force it or put everything on a calendar and tick the little boxes when you’ve done them. Do you really wanna do it?” Gahyeon nodded shyly. “What are you afraid of?”

“I don’t know if I can do it right. I want her to enjoy herself.”

“Oh, you’re not going to get it right the first time, honey,” Han Dong scoffed. “But you don’t need to get it right for things to be enjoyable,” she added when she saw Gahyeon’s scared face.

“So you’re saying I should just go for it?” the other girl blurted. 

“Yes, that’s what I’m saying,” the Chinese girl said. “But if you don’t trust yourself, maybe just ask Siyeon directly what she wants.”

Gahyeon hummed. “Han Dong?” 

Her friend answered with a “yes.” 

“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me since I came out,” the girl said with a beaming smile.

Han Dong huffed, embarrassed about this sudden confession. She hadn’t really done anything that Gahyeon wasn’t already ready to do. Sure, she looked over her, made sure she wasn’t being played. When her friend started asking questions about what it felt like to be with a girl, she tried to ease her into the idea that if she was asking that she was probably on her way to find out herself. She gave her some clues about lesbian culture and certainly spent a lot of time making fun of her when she started having crushes left and right. 

All in all, she had just been a good friend. 

“You know you can always count on me,” Han Dong answered brightly. 

 

***

 

Gahyeon figured that if she had to talk about it with Siyeon, there would never be a good moment. 

Her girlfriend was preparing the ingredients for dinner. She wasn’t much of a cook herself but experience had proven that they were still better off with her in charge of the kitchen. Gahyeon was reading on the couch, dissolving inside just at the idea of starting the conversation. 

“Do you want tteokbeoki?” Siyeon asked from the kitchen counter after she finished sorting the ingredients they had left. 

“Always!” Gahyeon answered cheerfully. 

Her girlfriend smiled. She already knew that it was the student’s favorite meal but she couldn’t help asking just to see her happy reaction. The older woman started preparing what she needed for the broth, knife in hand to cut the vegetables when: 

“Does it bother you that I don't do anything?” 

Siyeon raised a brow. She thought they had already gone over that. Gahyeon was still a student so most of the food she made was purely for the sake of keeping herself alive. There was nothing wrong with it and certainly nothing Siyeon would reproach her. 

“You do plenty of things Gahyeon,” the woman said with a slightly patronizing tone. “It's not your fault your cooking skills are not that great.”

“No, I mean when we have .”

The knife dropped on the leak Siyeon was cutting with a clack. The woman looked with widened eyes in Gahyeon’s direction. “What was that?” she asked with a higher pitched voice that broke at the end.  

“It's nothing serious, just a thought I had the other day,” Gahyeon chuckled her way out of the situation. “Let's not… let's not dwell on that.”

She stuck her nose back in her book again, hoping she could actually retreat from the situation, but a weight on the couch forced her to look on her left and see Siyeon staring at her very seriously. 

“Lee Gahyeon, I'm not letting you run away now,” the woman said. “What are you worried about?” 

The student froze. She tried to remember her conversation with Han Dong, she could just do it again, use the same words, speak with confidence.

“ When we have  ,” Gahyeon let out as if she was placing the first brick of a much bigger foundation. “You're always the one doing everything, and I was wondering if you would like me to… to be a little more… active?”

She wasn’t looking at Siyeon, which didn’t prevent Siyeon from looking at her softly. was one of the things they never really talked about and frankly that wasn’t a good thing, because the older woman knew that Gahyeon had insecurities. They crept in her thoughts and in some of her words. Siyeon was afraid it made her say yes to things she wasn’t ready to try. 

“Love, it's normal to take your time. This is your first experience with a woman, I understand that it's not easy to get bold right away. I don't mind,” the woman cooed. 

“But I want to!” the younger one exclaimed. “I'm just scared.”

Something stirred inside Siyeon with the way her girlfriend was ready to please her. She understood where the girl was, she had been there herself. 

“Why?” she asked softly.

“What if I don't know how to please you?”

“I'll guide you.”

“What if I'm not good at it?” Gahyeon asked again.  

“Then we'll create more occasions to let you practice,” Siyeon said reassuringly. “No one is perfect the first time.”

The student was staring at her, probably trying to see where the lie was. It was a thing she did when she was scared: she just assumed people were lying to her to make her feel good.  

“Are you sure?” she squeaked. 

Siyeon sighed. She was remembering her own first time and how terribly awkward it had been. The girl was one of her friends who was just as confused as she was back then and was doing it mostly to be sure she wasn’t actually gay, but the pianist didn’t mind. She wanted to be cool, to give the air of someone who knew what they were doing. The whole act vanished the second she struggled to unbuckle the girl’s pants. Her fingers were trembling so much and her mind was going so many places that she couldn’t focus on one simple task. However, they did have a good time in the end, that friend and her. And they did love each other enough to laugh about it without being mean. 

“Gahyeon, it's fine to take your time,” Siyeon said calmly. “Do what you're comfortable doing and if it's not that great, I'll do what every loving girlfriend does.” She paused with a big goofy grin to create some anticipation. “I'll simulate!” 

Gahyeon’s lips parted in indignation. “Lee Siyeon, how dare you???” she exclaimed. 

She leaned on the older woman and threw several light punches at her shoulders. Meanwhile, Siyeon couldn’t control her cackles. It may have been lame, but it was her joke and she would cherish it. Her arms wrapped around Gahyeon even though she was still acting infuriated and drew the girl into a hug until, finally, she surrendered.

“Do you feel better?” the woman teased. 

A grumbling voice raised against her. “I hate you.”

Siyeon giggled. “No, I think you love me, actually.”

Gahyeon lifted her head to stare at her with squinted, doubtful eyes. Her lover’s features were still lit with the remnants of her laughter, her sparkling eyes rested on the student tenderly while her fingers were combing through her hair mindlessly. It truly was impossible to hate her. 

“You’re right,” Gahyeon said. “I love you.”

She was only realizing now how close their faces were from each other. A spark flickered within her. She leaned to kiss her girlfriend, slowly, passionately. Siyeon immediately caught up with what she was doing and opened to let her in. It was rare for the girl to be on top. She couldn’t say she didn’t like the access. Her hands trailed off under the hem of the woman’s sweater. She wanted it off. Their lips separated, just enough time for her and Siyeon to remove their tops. Then the pianist’s arms found their way around Gahyeon’s neck again. 

The student’s lips moved, her tongue was trailing the long of her lover’s jawline and then went to her pulse point just as her hands d at the woman’s s. 

“I’ll make you feel good,” Gahyeon whispered in her ear. 

Siyeon’s head was a mess filled with only one need. “Please,” she moaned back. 

 

Gahyeon’s face lifted up from between her girlfriend's legs and just as Siyeon was coming down from her high, the girl dropped her sore limbs on her to rest. 

“Oh my God, Gahyeon, that was… That was…,” she couldn’t even find the words. 

“Good?” the girl suggested with a smirk. She felt Siyeon’s chest shake as she chuckled. 

“Yeah, that was really good.”

The two waited a moment to catch their breath. The exhaustion made them feel so light, even their thoughts were flying away. After a while, Siyeon peeked at the clock on the TV monitor. 

“I think I’ll just order take out.”