The words popped up in Siyeon’s head at an unexpected time. Gahyeon had just shaken off her last of the night and was resting breathless next to her. The girl’s sweaty skin stuck to her girlfriend’s, but she needed the warmth, she always needed to feel Siyeon close after they did it . The pianist’s fingers ran through the girl’s hair, sometimes massaging her scalp. She could feel the other’s breath rising and dropping, slowly dozing off. 

“We should take a shower,” Siyeon whispered. 

Gahyeon hummed, a sign that she wasn’t asleep yet but would rather stay like that under the sheets. “Just a few minutes,” she mumbled tiredly, sliding an arm over her girlfriend’s waist.  

And that was it. 

Siyeon’s heart tingled, her entire being melted and the words almost escaped from . 

I love you.

Almost as immediately as those words appeared, another voice rose in her head. What if she doesn’t say it back? There were so many things entrapped in those three little words, an entire world of care and adoration. They were too precious to be shared lightly and too meaningful to be unleashed on someone else without warning. Gahyeon was so peaceful. So Siyeon held them in. 

 

She didn’t think about bringing them up again. It felt right then, but once she was thrown in the spiral of days, her mind drifted to take care of other things, life things, “adult” things. It didn’t mean the feelings didn’t grow though. Each time she saw Gahyeon the tingle became stronger, her heartbeat louder, if only she could just say it without putting too much pressure on her girlfriend. 

“Would that really be a bad thing if she didn’t answer right away?” Minji had said. “If you want to say it, say it. She can still follow her own rhythm.”

“Oh yeah ‘cause it’s totally not the kind of thing that makes people freak out.”

“Well, it makes you freak out for sure.”

And Minji was right. Siyeon was scared, because once those words were out, she couldn’t escape them and if Gahyeon didn’t want to return them, their relationship would fall apart. She didn’t want to lose that. She didn’t want to go back to her routine of hook ups and no strings attached. She didn’t want to wake up alone again.

“What are you thinking about?”

Gahyeon’s soft voice called her back from her thoughts. They were in Seoul’s subway, on their way to the high-tech district to buy a new mother-board for the student’s main computer. Siyeon was pinching the girl’s hand mindlessly. 

“Oh nothing, just work,” the piano teacher lied with a quick smile. 

“You didn’t have to come if you had too many things. We would have met up later for the movie. I know your days have been busy lately.”

Gahyeon wasn't upset when she said that. She understood why her girlfriend wouldn't be particularly interested in shopping for computer components. No one except her college friends were ever interested in that.

She wasn't upset but Siyeon was. The oldest cared about those little things. She couldn't always spend time with her girlfriend so she used every opportunity she could get. Besides, this was part of Gahyeon's world, even if she didn't understand it, she felt like she ought to try. 

“Gahyeon, no. I said I wanted to spend the afternoon with you and I meant it,” the pianist said confidently, placing her hand over the student's. 

The girl smiled shyly. Siyeon felt a fist clench under her palm. Right. Public spaces. She removed her hand swiftly without looking, acting casual again. 

“Thank you,” Gahyeon whispered. “I promise it won't take too long and after that we can grab bobbas to that new place Dongie talked to me about.”

“You know I can't resist bobba,” the pianist said with a reassuring smile.

The student's smile stretched, giving her cute dimples. They soon arrived at their station and Siyeon followed her girlfriend to the tech store where no one would wander if they didn't know what they were there to get. It was rows and rows of computer components, cables, towers, disks. The piano teacher's eyes jumped from one thing to the next without fully taking it in while Gahyeon was deep in thought, comparing two memory cards a few meters away. 

“What is Lee Siyeon doing in a tech store?” a cheerful voice giggled just above her. 

Siyeon started but recognized the owner of the voice instantly. 

“Yoohyeon?” 

“Long time no see,” the tall lanky woman answered with a fond smile. 

Surprise was replaced by joy to see this familiar face again. 

“I thought you were still in China! Why didn't you tell me you were back?” 

“Aaah the negotiations failed in Shanghai. We came back earlier than we had planned. The Ceo was mad, but there's nothing we could have done,” Yoohyeon whined as if she was talking about a minor inconvenience when even Siyeon could guess the wider implications of that event. “But anyway, what are you doing here, unnie?” 

The pianist got flustered by the question just thinking about the answer. Should she just tell her friend she was dating someone? Even considering how she met Yoohyeon, she knew the younger woman wouldn't take this weirdly like some of her other hookups had when they had seen her with Gahyeon. 

Her eyes drifted to see where the girl was and saw that she was at the checkout already. As much as she wanted to keep talking to her friend, she was more looking forward to the bubble tea and movie night with her girlfriend and she knew that if she started explaining why she was there the conversation would take longer. So she settled on being brief and catching up over a drink later. 

“I'm here with someone. I'm really sorry, Yoohyeon but I have to go. How about we have a drink later now that you're back?”

The girl gave her a devilish smirk. “Got it. She must be a great laid if you're willing to go that far.”

Yoohyeon saw the moment she ed up when she saw Siyeon becoming pale and a young woman stepping in with a store bag in hand and the gawking face of someone who had definitely heard that. 

“Actually, she's my girlfriend,” Siyeon blurted. 

“I'm Gahyeon, nice to meet you,” the new girl said with a forced smile. 

“Oh my god, I'm so sorry!” Yoohyeon exclaimed, all red from the shame and embarrassment. “Nice to meet you, I'm Yoohyeon and, hum… ” –Her eyes caught Siyeon's nervous ones– “You know what? I should leave you two alone. I'll take you up on that drink later.”

“Yeah, we'll catch up later. Goodbye, Yoohyeonie,” Siyeon agreed with a troubled voice. 

“Have a nice evening,” Gahyeon said politely before leaving the store with her girlfriend. 

The two were silent for as long as they were on the crowded streets. They still went to the bubble tea shop Gahyeon had talked about and sat in a park near the theater where they were supposed to watch a film later. 

“So how did you meet this Yoohyeon?” the student asked as neutrally as possible. 

It was purely rhetorical, a way to appear calm while in truth she knew exactly how they had met. They had bumped into enough women to recognise which ones Siyeon had banged or not. However, until now all they had been were vague memories. Sometimes, the pianist couldn't even give a name. The situation now was different. 

“I met her at a bar about four years ago now,” Siyeon answered honestly. “We had and she was supposed to leave in the morning like all the others except she left her number on the table.”

“So you were in an actual relationship with her…” Gahyeon made the conclusion herself.

“We weren't,” Siyeon refuted firmly. “But you know sometimes you can see when someone is struggling to catch the edge. So I sent her a text the next day to make sure she was alright and we became friends.”

“Right,” the student spat bitterly, not sure if she wanted to believe that. “If she's a friend why have you never mentioned her?” 

“She was in China for five months, was supposed to stay for a year with a branch of her company. I just didn't think about mentioning it.”

Gahyeon stayed silent. She knew she couldn't say anything. Not when Siyeon had always been honest with her. Not with the way they had met. When they talked about it didn't matter as much as she thought how many women Siyeon had had in her bed. But watching how Yoohyeon was with Siyeon, hearing what she had said and how naturally she had said it… it was too much. 

“I think we should call it a night. I'm not feeling well,” the girl said at last. 

Siyeon's stomach churned. “Gahyeon, I've always been honest with my life. I thought you had accepted that,” she blurted. 

“I know,” Gahyeon sighed painfully, knowing full well that this wasn't fair. “But knowing about them and meeting them are two different things, Singnie. I need some time to take it in.”

“Gahyeon, please, I l–” Siyeon had to stop herself again. 

If she said those words now they would sound wrong, like an excuse, a bad reason to stay. 

“I don't want this to end,” she settled for. 

The student felt her insides twisting. Hearing the pain in Siyeon's words made her hate herself. Which was another reason why she needed to be alone. 

“I'm not breaking up,” Gahyeon said firmly enough for her girlfriend to believe her. “I just need some space.”

Siyeon let out a shaky breath. “Just keep me updated I guess.”

It sounded so resigned already. The younger girl couldn't leave like that, she couldn't keep that weight in her heart. 

“Babe, I'm not leaving you. I swear.”

Her girlfriend looked at her with a sad smile, as if she was telling Gahyeon to stop lying to herself. As if she had given up. She caressed the girl's cheek, peering into her eyes, and left a kiss on her forehead. 

“Keep me updated,” she whispered before leaving. 

 

***

 

Gahyeon was brooding in her room, playing on the Nintendo switch to avoid thinking about anything else when she heard the door of their apartment unlocking and the subtle voice of Han Dong shouting: “Where's our emergency?” 

“Hasn't left her room since yesterday. Pretty sure she's living on the crisps and chocolate she stocked in there,” Yubin's voice answered. 

“Gahyeon, my love, I've come to mend your broken heart!” the Chinese woman shouted in the direction of Gahyeon's door. 

The girl inside rolled her eyes. She knew the moment she told Yubin that she had a fight with Siyeon that it would turn out like this. And to be honest she didn't mind it as much as she showed. 

She put the switch away and went to open her door. 

“It's not that desperate,” she grumbled, stepping outside. 

“Then tell me everything,” her friend said with a wide smile. 

They sat down and listened to Gahyeon's story. Her doubts dated back from before Yoohyeon if she had to be honest. Siyeon's life was settled. She had two jobs, an apartment, habits and plans for the future. Meanwhile the student was… well a student. Still living with her friends, not even sure what she wanted to do with her master in computer engineering, she wasn't even out except to a couple of close friends, and she just knew that she wasn't a great laid, a decent one maybe, but far from great. 

“You should see them. All those beautiful women who ended up in her bed. She could have had any of them. She still could honestly when you see how some of them looked at me,” Gahyeon mumbled. “And honestly at this point it feels like she has banged half of the lesbians in Seoul.”

“That's not possible,” Han Dong stated seriously. “I don't think half of the gay population goes clubing.”

Her two friends looked at her with complete disbelief. 

“Really? That's what you chose as your argument?” Yubin asked, baffled. 

Dong exhaled through the nose, a deep sign of impatience. 

“It's all a question of framing,” she exposed. “You are saying that Siyeon made a mistake when she chose you. What I'm seeing is that she could have half the women of Seoul but she still chose you.”

Gahyeon hid in silence for a minute. That was the thing, wasn't it? The more time she spent with Siyeon, the more she asked herself: why? Why did the other woman choose her? And almost every time, the only answer she came up with was compassion. Because Siyeon was a good person and she didn't want Gahyeon's first time to be meaningless so she gave it a try. 

“Gahyeonah… is that really all you're able to see?” Yubin asked with genuine disappointment. 

“I think Siyeon-shi is more than dedicated to your relationship,” Han Dong added. “Haven't you seen the way she looks at you?” 

Gahyeon didn't answer. She didn't even know how to take the disappointment she heard. 

“Just take some time to collect your thoughts,” Han Dong said more gently. “And then talk to Siyeon.”

 

In truth she didn't need much time to think. All her questions were already laid out perfectly in her mind. Deep down, a reasonable voice was telling her she was over-reacting. But another voice reminded her that doubts should always be expressed before they can turn into assumptions and prejudices. 

 

Can I come to your place? I think we need to talk. 

 

Singnie 🐺: Is 9pm ok?

 

Sure. See you soon :)

 

***

 

Siyeon had been on edge ever since she received that message. The sound of her fingernails tapping on the wooden table resonated in the empty living room, when suddenly: the doorbell. 

The woman jumped from her seat, dashing to the door. She didn't care if she looked desperate at that point. Bora did. Actually Bora made a whole speech about how she shouldn't have to be judged on her lifestyle and Gahyeon was very happy to find her at that club when she did by the way so really what was the point? 

Of course, Siyeon and Minji had to nuance that discourse. The girl did have a point. It's something to know, it's another to see. Furthermore, Yoohyeon's comment clearly didn't help. It must have left the impression that Siyeon was mostly there for the which was so far from the truth. 

The piano teacher opened the door on Gahyeon, staring at her, brows slightly knitted the way they did when she was unsure. 

“Please, come in,” the older woman said while stepping back. “Do you want something?” 

“I'm fine, thank you.”

Siyeon's eyes rested on the girl's back. She was fidgety. When she was nervous she systematically refused anything offered to her. 

“I'll make some tea for myself,” Siyeon said, planning to prepare enough for two just in case. 

As the pianist was preparing the drink and putting water to boil she raised her voice to be heard from the living room. 

“So you wanted to talk? Have you made up your mind?” 

She entered the room again with a teapot and a set of cups and poured one for herself. 

“Still don't want one?” she asked, the pot still in mid-air. 

Gahyeon hesitated but nodded and took the other cup. It soothed her to have something warm to hold. Siyeon sipped from her cup, waiting patiently on the outside, screaming on the inside. 

“There are a few things I want to know for sure,” Gahyeon began. “You keep saying that all those hookups didn't matter, but do you have any regrets? Do you ever wonder what could have happened if you had dated any of them?” 

The conversation was obviously about exes. Siyeon gulped, taking her time to appreciate the tea. All she could ever do was to be honest. 

“I wasn't looking for that type of thing, so there are no regrets to have,” she stated. 

“But you were looking for that kind of relationship when you met me?” 

“Not really…” Siyeon admitted, embarrassed. 

Two questions in and she was already contradicting herself, they were off to a great start. 

“You're different, Gahyeon,” she said to try to save her situation. “I was stuck in the mud but with you I feel like I can fly again.”

The student looked at her with perplexed eyes. Was it really the moment to be doing metaphors? Probably not. Was it the only way Siyeon knew how to express complex feelings? Unfortunately yes. 

“Why?” 

The question short-circuited Siyeon's brain. 

“Why did you choose me, when you could have been with any one?” Gahyeon asked again. “Was it because it was my first time? Did you feel bad for me? Is that why I'm still here?” 

It rapidly became impossible for Siyeon to think properly when faced with such threateningly life-changing questions. Trying to explain why she loved Gahyeon was like trying to explain why she loved music. She just couldn't picture a life without any of them in it. 

She did think about the first time, about how Gahyeon gave herself to her without thinking back. However, Siyeon assumed the moment was already beautiful as it was, extending it for the sake of it would have made it meaningless.

So then why? The girl was looking at her with many expectations. Why? Damn it, why couldn't she think properly. There was this vision in her head. The first time she thought “this is the one.” 

“My…T-shirt,” Siyeon blurted. 

This answer was nothing short of a disappointment. Gahyeon stared at her, completely clueless. 

“Are you serious?” 

“Wait! Let me explain,” Siyeon jumped back to say. 

She remembered it. It was early afternoon, Gahyeon had used her shower and she was borrowing a shirt. It was too big for her, she couldn't say it did her forms justice but it gave her a style. Siyeon looked at her, this stranger wearing her clothes, and for the first time in four years she thought about the other clothes she could borrow, all the other moments in bed they could have and the late mornings that would turn into mid-afternoons. It felt domestic and real, just at her reach. 

“When I saw you wearing my shirt, that first morning that's when I knew. I can't really explain why I just… I just thought you looked beautiful in it. I thought that someone who fits so well in my clothes would also fit in my life… god, I don't know what I'm saying.”

Siyeon looked away, desperate at herself. Why couldn't she ever come with any proper words? 

Gahyeon reached for her hand. She wasn't disappointed anymore. It sure was an unexpected answer but it was also so undeniably Siyeon to think that an oversized t-shirt was the perfect representation of their love. 

“It's okay, I get it,” the girl said softly to get Siyeon's eyes on her again. “I'm sorry for not being able to see it before.”

“See what?” 

Gahyeon chuckled. Siyeon was cute when she was lost. 

“The way you look at me,” she answered. 

The older woman widened her eyes. She had the proper words for that. This was the right moment, the tingling in her chest told her so. 

“I love you, Lee Gahyeon.” 

Time stopped. Gahyeon opened , tried to connect what she was feeling in her heart with what she tried to express with her brain. Was that what she had been secretly afraid of all this time? Of Siyeon never saying those words. Was that why she felt threatened by all these nameless women? Because she was afraid that her feelings were not shared.

“I love you too,” she blurted in a strangled voice. “I'm sorry I doubted you.” She was crying now. “I never wanted this to end. I never wanted to hurt you.”

Her voice choked in her sobs. She couldn't even look in her girlfriend's eyes anymore. Siyeon's heart was thumping in her ribcage. She reached out for Gahyeon's hands and rose from her seat still holding them, inciting the student to follow her. 

The girl stood up, chin raised up to look at Siyeon. Her tears were in the way but she still saw the smile. She was pulled in a hug, deep, sheltering. 

“I understand,” the woman whispered in her ear. 

Gahyeon melted into the hug. She did fit within the curves of that body that was bigger than her. 

“I love you,” Siyeon said again and she would never say it enough. 

 

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Gahsing is back! I hope you liked this new chapter. I know there were a few people waiting for it ;) If you did don't hesitate to leave a comment. I always love reading from you. Also don't forget to subscribe to the story if you don't want to miss eventual new chapters!

Thank you for reading and enjoying this story, take care and see ya!