“Do you know what I find most entrancing with fall?

  I can see the beauty of letting the dead go”

Before we undertake such a story, it is with great importance that I must clarify a small - perchance immense- detail. Although it is not the central objective here, it is essential for all of you to know what I am getting here.

 My name is Kang SeulGi, and a few years heretofore, I breathe one’s last.

I am aware of those million questions you are silently singing - the ‘whys’, ‘whens’, and ‘hows’. But all those bring no significance. For this is not a story of my early demise, much less on really what occurred, but about why I am giving you a seat to this narrative.

This, if truth be told, if the heavens and the gods allow me to give a rundown of, is a tale of how I died the second time after I depart my mundane life as I watched the woman I love fall in love again.

It was four brief and improbably vivid moments, and at the same time so unforgettable - haunting to be exact. Certainly, there were others. There were so many. And in all those moments, it may be selfish and preposterous I chose to turn a blind eye and ignore the fact that I was the primary witness as she lets me go, slowly, painfully slowly, and as another person took what was once mine. What erstwhile belonged to me was snatched away from me as I lay defenseless.  In those four defining and excruciating moments, I found out that I always fed a quite hasty idea in regards to the idea of love and its representation as we journey through life.

That being the case, with your consent, please follow and let me include you in my narrative, with me being your eyes, and you-

my conscience.

The first.

Questions came filling your thoughts as you bumped into the only barricade that separates the outside from the inside. You were uncertain as to what force dragged you there. It wasn’t like you had many reasons to be out at that time or any reason to keep attending the family meetings, just like the Chuseok but it was obvious. Heavens, it was so obvious, wasn’t it? It was years, not days, not hours, or free time, fleeting and random, of sharing the evenings and nights next to those unique people. Every smile exchanged, every discussion, and every single detail of yourself that one day was added up to them, it was memorable, and you knew that. You knew if you didn’t show up it would only attract unwanted attention, and questions that you didn’t want to answer, and those 3 were definitely going to look for you and insist for you think of your family.

They are also in need of you, just as strongly and as much as you needed those three.

I watched you take a diaphragmatic breath, maybe to ease your mind, as you listen to the loud conversation of the Chuseok - of course, led by my energetic sister Yeri- what the new plans were, counterargued by Joy, Wendy’s fiancée, saying that traditions will be traditions, meaning there was in no way how or any reasons to change what has been in their system. Agreed by Wendy, my other sister. You rolled your eyes, as I know you imagined Wendy was, no doubt, arguing the pros and cons of at least once in their lives, for them to leave behind the beaten and extremely boring picnic kept for that holiday. Every year the same fight took place. Every year, you witness my sister lose to her fiancée’s arguing ability.  It was always like that.

Another sigh, longer and shakier, the air barely escaping your lips that were once kissed by mine. 

I miss them extremely. I miss their unreal softness. The gentleness it brings.

I miss how they are shockingly yet undoubtedly fitted perfectly on mine. 

I miss you so much, Irene. More than words can say.

And I know you miss me as much if not much more.

You knocked and a few moments later the door opened. You were involved in a tight yet comforting hug. The greetings sent were full of joy, relieved by your presence as if it was your responsibility to carry all the light and happiness in lieu of me, and though it sounds overly pretentious from me, I always liked to believe that was true. That I had left the best of me with you; to be kept, appreciated, remembered in the moments of pain, and passed on to the next generation. The generation I didn’t have time for joy because my life was taken by a wind’s blow. As if in a blink of an eye, I had to learn, in the most painful way, to live without your gracious, intoxicating constant presence. Your absence caused me the worst of anguishes and that was how I understood that death, the process of feeling your heart giving up on keeping you on that plane of existence, was nothing compared to having to, gradually and constantly, watch you leave me behind.

It is the belief of the Mexicans that, on the day of the dead, if photographs of your loved ones were to be placed on the altar, it is a big possibility for them to travel through both realms, and so those who are not with us anymore, could pay a visit and have a glimpse of what had been their life. But what was left of us, if not you? If not for that small pair of dark brown eyes staring at you before being taken out by sleep because of tiredness. Stubbornly asking for another story from her mama and it stings you colossally.

Because she calls you mommy.

And I, mama.

You left what was ours, moved to another apartment, one closer to Yeri, and little by little forgot my belongings behind. I am aware that it is needed and I understand for years, all you were able to do was shut the world out, lock yourself in our room, and cry your heart out.

For years, it was my clothes you wore to sleep, it was my set of vinyl you put on the turntable, you carried my locket and wore my ring with it. Being the cause of your fall was and will still be death by a thousand cuts not just in my chest but to my entirety and never being able to shed even a single drop of blood makes it worse.

Heavens, Irene. How many times had I wished to undo what had happened to me? How many times had I desired to touch you like in those movies where angels are real and they walk among us, where they can take care of the ones they love and continue living until their souls cannot permit them anymore. Or maybe as a final resort where spirits were given a chance to properly say their last goodbyes.

To say that I love you both one last time.   

 I tried, I swear I tried and each passing time, your dark brown eyes manifested me the raw truth that I refused to believe, to accept, and that you also didn’t want to take as real. I watched you lose control, I saw you lose all hope and wish to leave too, just like I watched you get up, rise again and keep walking, because though you wanted to give up, though you couldn’t see any light inside that overbearing darkness, that was still an us. There was still our addition.

Be that as it may, I can still recall those times wherein I sat beside you and let you cry over my shoulders as I lovingly your hair and hushed and reassured you that everything is going to be okay and that I promised to find you once again.

But you didn’t feel me.

Nor did you hear me.

And how would you? You are of the living and I am of the dead.

We don’t belong to each other anymore.

I heard Wendy ask about your wellbeing that night, your plans and such and at the same time, Joy brought Haetnim out and led him into your arms as he wiggled his tail and your face because you are his favorite, just like you are still mine. Yeri mentioned that she met this lovely girl and took her into an ice cream shop and accidentally slip when she told you three that she was shocked to hear that the girl had ordered the exact ice cream flavor combination as I do, and then Wendy and Joy cut Yeri off, as if my name has some sort of a curse. A prohibited word. My name carries different meaning than it was before. Formerly, it was synonymous to happiness, a radiant ball of energy and warmth that I heard it being compared to the sun itself, and ironically, nowadays, it brings coldness and suffocating darkness. It now carries the void. Silence. It’s like a black hole out the energy of anyone hearing my name. 

That was when the conversation escalated to a hundred and ended up getting to the subject I refused to witness, to hear, but it was stronger than me. I remained there, lurking, becoming a haunted being for myself as I listened to Joy suggesting you to find love again, to give yourself another chance, after all, you’re still young and continued to have that dazzling, aristocratic beauty. I had to agree on that, but I won’t lie, I expected you to refuse to let us in the past, to abandon us. Had it not been enough already? Heavens, hadn’t we been through that, thousands of times?

You smiled awkwardly, your cheeks blushed and I saw how your hands tightened around the glass, as if you wanted to say something, break the news, but didn’t know how to do it. That was when I knew. That was when I died again. Irene, my sweet and loving wife, who walked down the aisle and meet me on the altar, who uttered endless promises of love, the person who held me when I thought I couldn’t remain standing, who split my pains and shared with me, her heart, was moving on. 

 See it for yourself, my situation, be the spectator of my lamenting. How was it possible for me,Kang SeulGi, to let her go?

And how selfish is it from me to demand her to stay, when I am gone myself?

I know, I have the conscience that, no matter what I do, Irene needed to let go of me. She needed to let me go once in for all.

And so I forgave her, for breaking my heart the same way my absence broke hers.

The second.

It wasn’t the first try and no, it wasn’t the fact that you were trying that bothered me, well, maybe a little but not. What bothered me was the fact that that may be the last. Call me a monster but there was a huge part of me that hoped for it to not work, but I am not proud, nor will I ever be, to admit it out loud, my dearest spectators. It is such dishonorable for me to actually find out how selfish I can be in moments like these, though I am not proud of what I am capable of feeling, not of what I quietly wished for the person that I loved, that I still love, I can’t affirm I stopped myself from thriving with the bittersweet feeling that it’s having a heart unable to beat, but still able to break.

 The point was: there had been others, many actually. Casual, fleeting, those who came only to get a few laughs from you, and some nights when your whimpers cut the walls and died even before reaching the top, but this one…

 this one was different, wasn’t she?

This one made you smile the way I used to, the way it was reserved only for those who were brave enough to climb the wall surrounding your heart, protecting it from the world. And for the first time I, though unconsciously, smiled too because it was the most genuinely special act I could witness with my own eyes and I finally understood what Wendy and Yeri repeated so many times to me when we weren’t dating.

It was the kind of look we shot at each other.  It was the way you, my Irene, showed you were in love with me.

I think that when you said you would love me forever, you meant my forever, not yours.

You let her touch your hand, feel the softness of your skin, intertwined your fingers, and bring them to . You walked with her to the sidewalk, shared some stories, went to the park, watched the sunset, and at the end, she kissed you, taking your breath away and getting you closer to me for a fraction of a second. At that moment, that fugacious skip of a heartbeat, I had you with me, and then I lost you. I felt you vibrate so close. I felt you run through my eyes. I felt you let go of me as if there was no gravity holding me there and then, I was floating, just like you, but for reasons so distinct all I could do was scream. Scream for you to pull me back, to bring me back because I don’t know what I am without you because myself got mixed with yours years ago and now there’s no SeulGi without Irene.

I thought it was heartwrenching enough to know that I could never go back, but realizing it’s far more painful and hard to find out I had nowhere, and no one to return to.

The third.

You took her to meet me as if I was able to give some kind of blessing. And maybe I was. Maybe I was finally ready for this next step.

And you whispered goodbye. You, warm and serene, cried, and I, right next to you, useless, unable to grant you any comfort. I wished hard you hadn’t cried as you had while thinking of everything we couldn’t say to each other, all the things we couldn’t live and enjoy in this life. I know you love me with the same fire that I love you, and I know that every time you think of me, you miss me. However, just like I had begged to be an angel so I could touch you, I must tell you it was an angel who came to get me. He took my hand, and said my time had come and I did nothing to stop it. Now, I rest in the arms of the Gods’  wishing they were yours.

Perhaps our happy ending was never ours, only yours. Today I watch my better half become once again whole with someone else.

You know, my dear reader, this is one of the gifts and also the ruins of those who fall in love, of those who are randomly lucky to find true love and aren’t able to enjoy it. A blessing and a curse. Bae Irene was and still is, the love of my life, the only one able to see all of me, even the parts I never knew or understood. Irene was the woman that snatched the air from my lungs, who turned my fierce looks into a soft ones, and also the one who made of my short and fast time of life, our memories, adventures, small conquers along the years, immortal.  And today, as I hear a stranger’s voice promise me she would take care of you, forever, I, Kang SeulGi, said goodbye.

But don’t be mistaken, do not deliberately deceive yourself to believe I won’t continue to belong to her, because I will always be irrevocably hers, even when Irene is no longer mine. Because true love is that: 

to give all of yourself even when you have nothing to offer.

They held hands and she pulled you in for a hug, you hid your face in her neck, the same way you used to do with me. The wind blew in your hair and I inhaled that scent that was able to make me feel alive, though it was an illusion. Among so many other graves, many ordinary names like mine, so many other tragic stories like mine, like ours, I sat on the ground and allowed myself to wonder about what was going to happen next. What would my chance be from now on, and to be fairly honest, something inside me had completely changed, as if a key had turned by itself in my head and I couldn’t quite name it.

There, alone, observing my Irene head out of the cemetery, escorted by a woman who wasn’t me, I pondered on my knowledge about soulmates and considered myself to be wrong about all my convictions, after all, we believed each person had their perfect combination to complete their soul and we used a matrix fueled by the invisible red string to find each person’s ideal match. However, I never needed any confirmation to be sure that Bae Irene was my other half.

The next months went by in a blue, the events passing through and over me, barely noticing me there, unmoving, my inert body and numb feelings. The three girls were so happy with the news and frankly, I hated their reaction. I hated that they, so easily, replaced me, as if trading pawns in chess. I felt so disposable, but at the same time, I understood that it was just the petty part of me, the one that still searched for the references and mentions of my name, for the occasions when I was still the main character or their grief, though I knew I still was. Despite that, Yeri would still sit in front of the television every game night and play the games we once shared and bring the new ones onto my grave to “introduce it to me” according to her. Wendy still sang the song we both wrote, and still keeps the camera we use as we capture moments together. And as for Joy, she still looks after Irene as she promised me even before the day I left. 

However, that itch in my chest, that hole swallowing me from inside out, would not stop growing. She replaced me, and no one protested. My name stopped being a prohibited word, to then become the description of a dusty picture and whisper late in the night. 

I saw you whisper in our daughter’s ear “everything is going to be okay” for years long, covering her with a blanket of warmth and reassurance, but that day had come like a prophecy. Everything was okay and our girl smiled at this new person, just as hopeful as you, Irene. Her eyes were just as radiant as yours and as brown as ours. She was, and would always be, my legacy, my presence, and my way of saying ‘I’m always going to be here. I won’t lie, it hurts to see her spontaneously get used to this new companion, because Irene, she’s mine too, she’s a part of me, my blood. And now I was watching the two loves of my life choose to abandon me in a dark corner of their minds. 

So, when tomorrow arrives and you two smile, I won’t be the reason for it anymore.

The fourth.

On that July afternoon, the sun warming the grass and the dew still shining with its greeting ever since the morning, as if it was also rejoicing with the ceremony, the joy and praise for good luck. You looked so beautiful, Irene. As pretty as the day when you said I do, for the second time to me, in front of all our family and friends. The black of your hair matched perfectly with the genuine happiness that made your shiny eyes a home. It fell in waves on your shoulders, now shorter than some weeks ago and the white dress, simpler and plain than the one you chose for our day, decorate your body dashingly, emphasizing your best curves. It was breathtaking if I still had it to give, to let it go.

On the other side of the long red carpet spread over the backyard of the house it was going to be yours and your new partner’s, she was waiting;  as radiant and hopeful as I was the first saw I also you wearing the wedding dress. This time, you chose to walk in alone, dismissing a completely sulky Wendy, saddened she couldn’t have the honors as the first time. I understood your decision, the ceremony was symbolic, because you knew it was more important for your first love than to yourself, after all… it wasn’t your first time, but you prayed silently it was the last.  You were tired of trying and trying, of loving and loving, to end up losing. It wasn’t fair and I understood. I still understand.

But that didn’t stop me from being there with you. Of being there for you and for our little happy and agitated little girl with brown eyes. I remembered as if it was yesterday when we left the hospital and you, still emotional with teared-up eyes, complained you had given birth to a little Kang Seulgi, and I, even more, emotional and completely turned upside down for the two women of my life, was only able to correct my last name, because there weren’t enough words to describe the amount of joy and happiness that I could barely contain within myself. I had never felt so whole, fortuned, and euphoric. And there she was now, walking ahead of you, dropping white petals of valley lilies, the flower that symbolized new beginnings.

I watched you lower your face, biting your lip, and then I touched your shoulder, sliding my finger to your arm, intertwining mine with yours. And so, my eyes met yours and there remained, taking their time and I felt like you could see me, you were sure I was by your side. I felt the urge to hug you, the need for tears burning and stinging. But you smiled the most beautiful and charming of smiles, and I noticed that it was still my smile, the one no one could take from me, no matter what happened, no matter who came after me.

You smiled and I smiled too because I knew you were going to have so much to tell me when we meet again. And nothing made me feel more alive than watching, through your eyes, our story happens again in slow motion.

Beside you, I walked.

Beside you, I left you on the altar.

I let the wind bring my kisses as it touched your face, I let the Sun bring my hugs and it warmly embraced your skin. I watched you sigh, and reconsider as your feet take you on this new journey, this new chapter. Because the truth was, while I was just a chapter in your body, you were and would always be, the title of mine.

I stared at the other woman as I saw her take your hand and I whispered that everything was going to be okay, you had kept your promise to love me until death did us apart. It’s okay, Irene. You have to go, you have to live for the both of us and that’s okay. Your SeulGi will always be here waiting when you’re ready to come back because I love you too much, I let you go, and because I love you, I’ll always wait for you to return.

Taciturnly, with a tingling feeling in my chest, I calmly abandoned that party, and a single last tear streamed, and with it came a curious fact I learned about love, as I observed Bae Irene fall in love a second time.

Love is an act of freedom and, at the same time, emancipation. It’s to understand the other person doesn’t owe you anything, not even reciprocation. Loving is about feeling yourself and letting yourself feel, it’s about the bittersweet sensation of butterflies in your stomach, of floating with the lack of gravity but also having the love pulling you back to the ground. It’s about facing this personal journey without demanding the imprisonment of the other. If they come, if they go along with you, choosing to go through that road together, if they chose to stay and appreciate the horizon of every stop, respecting the silence of each storm, then good. Let it be for the journey, for the experience, and may it last as long as it has to.

May it not only be for the company but also for the search for the top discovery.

Some people won’t understand your reasons and will walk just enough to leave you halfway through. There are others whom the path will lead to the bifurcation, who will lead them to another direction and that’s fine, you went together as far as possible and maybe, destiny will bring them back, who knows.

And finally, there are those who will finish the road for you, sometimes alone, sometimes accompanied, because that’s what love is: a map, a discovery, an adventure, and a constant goodbye, whether that’s to your past, or to the one who used to walk beside you.

And so, dear reader, I say goodbye to you and ask you to continue to watch this story for me, because today, I trust my loved one into your hands.

Take care of her for me.

Love, SeulGi Bae - Kang