Seulgi as Avah Julianna Cruz

Irene as Asteria Jordaine Reyes

Wendy as Andrea Jaime Tan

Joy as Elizabeth Charmaine Solomon

Solar as Zylane Chavez

 

(Flashbacks)

Winter as Avah

Karina as Asteria

Ryujin as Andrea

Yeji as Elizabeth

 

[Ten Years Present]

 

'Santiago University HUMSS Batch 2018 Reunion'

 

I stepped inside the familiar halls of this school, once a frequent place for me to stay in—at least ten years ago.

 

Ten years ago, I was a student here—but ten years later, I find the routines I had made here still engraved upon my every soul, upon my body, and it's as if I never even left.

 

But no, I've never walked upon this place since I had graduated. Since ten years ago, no one had seen a sight of me here.

 

Sa kanila, I was Avah Julianna Cruz, a former student that walked these halls, a student with such mischievous self that roamed the rooms and stayed long after hours—and then she simply disappeared.

 

Like a ghost, my tenure of staying over, and I was simply gone from their sights.

 

I didn't find any reason to go back.

 

Bakit pa, eh I felt like I lost everything that day?

 

I lost her.

 

Even my friendship with her, walang natira.

 

Just because my impulsive self decided that I should take the jump, thinking that someone would catch me, that she would catch me as I fell down upon this cliff I had thrown myself in, pero wala.

 

No one. She didn't.

 

And now here I was, picking up the pieces again.

 

"Name?" a voice called out, at agad kong narealize na nasa front desk na pala ako, and this woman before me is waiting for me to utter my name, getting impatient by the second—

 

"Avah. Avah Cruz."

 

Isinuot ko na ang parang mock version ng ID namin dati sa leeg ko, my former ID picture pasted upon a rectangular cut piece of board paper while my name is written in an artsy font underneath—wala nanamang letter H sa dulo, like how my classmates had always mistaken my name to be.

 

Naglakad na ako papunta sa main hall kung saan idadaos yung celebration for the tenth year since we graduated, at kita ko naman na nasa full on party mode na sila, some even jumping up and down upon the provided dance stage habang yung iba ay nagchichill at nagmimingle sa mga tables provided, probably nagkukwentuhan about sa past nila.

 

Marami kaming sections dati—eight, I think? At lahat sila nakatipon sa lugar na ito, enjoying the party that the organisers had provided them to enjoy, at hindi ko makita ang sarili ko a week ago na pupunta sa event na ito until a certain someone decided to be pushy about it.

 

"Avah!"

 

Speaking of the devil.

 

"Hi, Elizabeth." nakangiti kong sabi, catching her in a bone crushing hug she had given me, at kita ko ang abot tenga niyang ngiti with seeing me here—it's been so long that I almost forgot how she looks like, and she certainly looks surreal under the party lights.

 

"Bakla ka, ang tagal mong hindi nagpakita!" sigaw ni Elizabeth Jade Solomon, ang lagi kong kasama dati nung nasa school pa kami—she knows almost all things about me nung nasa school pa kami, but I had unknowingly cut her off when I disappeared.

 

Including that part—me being gay, siya ang sinabihan ko noon dati, she was the first one who knew.

 

"Sorry... busy kasi." I sheepishly said, hoping that it would count as an excuse, at niyakap niya ako ulit nang maramdaman ko ang presensya ng isa ko pang kaibigan na nakatingin lang sa amin, probably waiting for our interaction to end.

 

Taray. Multo lang ang peg?

 

"I'll leave you muna with her, alright?" Nakangiting sabi ni Eli, walking away while I heard the woman behind me sigh in disappointment, putting a hand upon my shoulder as I turn back to face her.

 

"Sorry... Awkward parin kami." natatawa niyang sabi, and I would sigh as we walk towards the nearby tables, having ourselves some of the drinks there.

 

"It's been so long, Avah." pauna niyang sabi, at agad naman akong nakangiti kahit konti dahil alam ko na ang gusto niyang sabihin, although medyo malakas na yung tugtog dito sa parang club na gimmick ng reunion namin.

 

"I know," sagot ko, not really knowing what to say after that.

 

"Sorry if I disappeared so suddenly."

 

"What happened ba kasi?" Andrea Jaime Tan asked, a friend of mine that I had talked to for two years and then hindi ko na sila nakausap ulit—it was my choice to do so.

 

"She... is she here?" tanong ko, a little vague, but Andrea sighs as she nods at that.

 

"She's the one in charge of the invitations, I think, and she's the one who was in charge of having our section come here." sagot niya, and I sigh as I look at the stage—

 

And there she is.

 

Beautiful as ever.

 

Asteria Jordaine Reyes, what have you done to me?

 

[Ten Years Past]

 

The first time I saw you, you were so beautiful, the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

 

"Dude, you're staring." sabi ng katabi ko, and I grow red as I hear those words, at agad akong umiwas ng tingin dahil nahihiya na ako lalo na't napansin pala nitong katabi ko na nakatingin ako dun kay ate girl.

 

"S-Sorry." Nautal kong sabi, at agad ko naman siyang narinig na tumawa ng mahina as she lays out her hand for me to take, and I take it as she utters her name.

 

"Andrea Jaime Tan. I'm so glad, may kasama pala ako sa federasyon." She says and after I tell her my name, at nakatingin lang ako sa kanya na may halong pagtataka dahil sa sinabi niya at the end.

 

"Federasyon?"

 

"Bakit, bakla ka, diba?"

 

"Huy, hindi!" malakas kong sigaw, at napatayo pa ako, and after that I could feel the other's stares upon me, as well as the teacher's.

 

"Miss Cruz, do you have anything to share with the class?"

 

I stare at you, immediately, and I notice you smile wide after the act that I had done, then looking away.

 

So much for first impressions.

 

*

 

After I had contentedly punched Andrea dahil part siya ng dahilan kung bakit napahiya ako kanina sa class, nakilala ko na siya ng mas mainam, at kung bakit naisip niya na kasali ako sa kung ano mang federasyon na nabanggit niya kanina.

 

"This is Elizabeth Jade Solomon, my girlfriend." nakangiti niyang sabi, at hindi ko maitago ang gulat sa expression ko habang pinakilala niya ang girlfriend niya na nakaupo pala sa likod namin kanina.

 

"Your... What?" gulat kong sabi, at natawa naman si Andrea dahil sa reaction ko, her "girlfriend" smirking and pointing at my expression while laughing.

 

"Eli's been my girlfriend for four years, ever since eighth grade. We've been studying here since elem, so I could give you a tour if you like." Nakangiting sabi ni Andrea, at tumango nalang ako sa sinabi niya, still processing the information she said to me.

 

"Anyways... You sure you're not gay?" tanong ni Eli na baka nakita din ang pagtitig ko dun kay ate girl kanina.

 

"She's also a transferee, like you. I think her name is Asteria Jordaine Reyes, kung nakikinig ako ng tama kanina? Oh, pareho pala kayong AJ!" natatawang sabi ni Andrea, Eli only laughing at that.

 

"Babe, you're also AJ."

 

"Pero anyways... I heard na Miss President is straight, though. Narinig ko mula sa chikahan kanina na may ex boyfriend daw yon." pagbungad ni Andrea, changing the topic, at napabuntong hininga na lang ako.

 

"I don't care about that, I'm straight din naman. Nagandahan lang ako—"

 

"Sus! Avah, iba yung tingin mo, promise. Ganyan tumingin si Andy sa akin nung seventh grade." Natatawang sabi ni Eli, at umiling ako, a smile on my face.

 

"No, I'm straight, I'm sure of it."

 

Yes.

 

I'm straight.

 

Right?

 

Ang ganda niya lang kasi.

 

"Can I join you?"

 

Muntik na akong mapabaliktad ng upuan nang tumingin ako sa direction nung nag salita and there she was, and I had to kick Andrea underneath the table dito sa cafeteria kung nasaan kami dahil naririnig ko siyang tumatawa sa akin.

 

"Of course, Asteria. Upo ka diyan oh, sa tabi ni Avah." Nakangiting sabi ni Eli pagkatapos ay naramdaman kong umupo si Asteria sa tabi ko, then proceeded to eat silently, never even minding yung mga katapat niyang parang nasa sarili nilang mundo.

 

"Avah, right?" tanong niya, at tumango na lamang ako, trying to finish the meal that I bought for myself kahit na parang nagpapanic ako sa tabi nitong babaeng ito.

 

"Uh... Do you guys know ba yung bilihan ng folder dito sa loob ng univ? Kailangan ko kasi eh." tanong niya bigla after ng mahabang silence, at naka tingin lang sa akin si Eli at si Andrea pagkatapos niyang tanungin iyon.

 

"A-Alam ko iyon." Sagot ko, at napangiti naman sa akin si Asteria, finishing her snack habang patapos na rin ako.

 

"Great! Can you accompany me? Sorry, hindi ko kasi nalibot ng maayos tong univ." Sagot niya, at tumayo na siya habang tahimik lang akong sumunod sa kanya.

 

"Wag kayo palate, ha!!" nakangiting sabi ni Andrea habang umalis na din sila, at napabuntong hininga na lang ako habang agad ko siyang tinuruan kung nasan yung bilihan ng school supplies dito.

 

Lord.

 

Why am I shaking so much?

 

 

"Thank you talaga, Avah ha. Libre kita next time. Tara na?" Nakangiting sabi nito habang nginitian ko lang siya at tumango, silently moving towards our building without any words exchanged, at nagtataka pa ako dahil parang ayaw ipagamit sa amin yung elevator—

 

"Look out!"

 

Gumana na agad yung instinct ko at agad kong hinila yung wrist niya na may hawak na folder, pulling her towards me at iniwas ko rin ang sarili ko sa parang bumagsak ata na bag mula sa kung ano mang floor na nasa taas.

 

"HOY! Ingat naman kayo!" Sigaw ko, pero di na ako nakapagsermon pa nang hilahin na ako ni Asteria palabas ng building at papunta sa medyo malawak na field kung nasaan yung ibang mga estudyante na parang nakatitig lang sa taas.

 

"Earthquake daw." mahinang sabi ni Asteria sa akin habang nanlaki naman ang mga mata ko, those two immediately going in my mind.

 

"Teka, sila Andrea nasa taas pa ata—"

 

"Bakla, nandito kami, hello." natatawang sabi ni Andrea habang bigla silang nagpakita sa likod ko, at nakatingin lang silang dalawa sa kamay ni Asteria na nakahawak pala sa pulsuhan ko.

 

"Bakla?" she asks, staring at me curiously, at agad naman akong umiling habang tinitigan sila Andrea ng masama.

 

"Wala, ano... expression lang yon, lakas ng trip nila eh." Sabi ko, at natawa nalang siya ng slight habang pinapanood ang ilang mga officers na pumasok sa loob ng building.

 

"Well, mukhang wala nang class for today. Tara, Avah, gala tayo!" suggest ni Andrea, at tinignan ko lang siya ng masama habang tumango naman si Eli, clearly agreeing with the idea.

 

"Sama ka?" tanong ko kay Asteria na yakap ang folder na binili namin kanina, and I hear her sigh dahil parang nasayang ang bili niya nung school supply.

 

"Are you seriously asking your class president to join you cut class, Avah?" she says, a chuckle escaping her lips, and I unknowingly nod at that, making her smile although I could see her hesitation.

 

"Come on, dito mo ako ilibre." nakangiti kong sabi, remembering her words to me earlier.

 

"Pano ba yan, Asteria? Niguilttrip ka na ni Bakla, tatanggi ka pa ba?" natatawang sabi ni Eli, emphasising on the word Bakla, dahilan para mapasimangot ako ng konti, pero ngumiti din ako nang makita ko siyang nakangiti.

 

"Fine. Let me treat you for that favor, Avah, although I don't mind treating you every day."

 

Oh.

 

Hindi naman ako nagkakape.

 

But why is my heart beating so fast?

 

*

 

Lord, have mercy on me.

 

Ano ba tong si Asteria?

 

Nananadya ba to?

 

It's been like two weeks after that earthquake slash cutting classes incident, at nung umuwi kami nun natuklasan niya accidentally na malapit lang ang bahay namin since magkasama kami from the jeep even hanggang sa tricycle na sinakyan namin.

 

And she's been acting differently ever since nalaman niyang "bakla" ang tawag sa akin nila Eli, ano ba ito?

 

She's confusing me.

 

So much.

 

Teka, bakit ba ako namomroblema dito?

 

Straight ako.

 

Ulit ulitin mo, Avah! Straight ka!

 

"Oh, taga Quezon City din pala kayo eh! Tara, sabay sabay tayo pauwi!" Eli says, at tumango na lang ako at sumunod sa kanila dahil hindi ko naman alam kung paano umuwi by commute.

 

I raise my brow as I could feel a hand then hold mine habang naglalakad kami in search for a jeepney to ride home, at kita ko si Asteria na nakangiti sa akin, her hand holding mine tight habang nasa harapan sila Andrea na naglalakad, not seeing us.

 

"Baka mawala ka." she says, then turning towards the front, her hand still on mine—it's cold against my fingertips.

 

My hand is calloused—a product of stress accumulated by the days, since it is my first time attending a big university after all, and medyo naaalangan akong hawakan ang kamay niya because of it.

 

"Asteria, my hand is a little rough—"

 

"I don't mind naman." she says, barely a whisper, and I don't speak up afterwards.

 

"Eto na! Asteria, Avah, bilisan niyo, punuan!" Sigaw ni Andrea at agad na hinila ako ni Asteria papalapit, making me go first inside the jeep before her, at agad namang umusod sila Andrea para may isang upuan pa—

 

Umupo siya sa tabi ko, even if it had smaller space, at may isang babae nalang na umupo sa tabi ni Andrea bago umusad ang jeep papunta sa destinasyon.

 

"Sorry, masikip." she utters beside me, and I shake my head at that, clearly saying that it's okay, at nanlaki naman ang mga mata ko nang ibaba niya ang wallet ko habang naghahanap ako ng tagpipiso at inabot niya ang singkwenta para magbayad.

 

"Dalawang dulo nga po!" Sigaw niya, at iniwasan ko ang titig ni Andrea at Eli sa akin at kay Asteria habang kinuha na nitong katabi ko ang sukli sa ibinayad niya.

 

"Ihahatid na kita sa inyo, I'll accompany you to your home, Avah." bulong sa akin ni Asteria habang hawak niya pa rin ang kamay ko, and I notice her hand colder than earlier, and then idinikit niya ang isang kamay niya sa leeg ko, and I hum as I feel it cold against my skin.

 

"May lagnat ka," she says. "Lean on me muna." she says, pulling my head to rest on my shoulder, at bago pa ako makatanggi ay naramdaman ko na ang hilo at sakit ng katawan ko.

 

"...may lagnat..."

 

"....ako na maghatid..."

 

I couldn't even hear what they were talking about as I passed out, the last thing I'm feeling is her fingers slowly interlacing with mine, the cold of her hand soothing mine.

 

"...gising na. Avah, babaan na tayo."

 

Idinilat ko ang mga mata ko at nakita kong nasa babaan na kami, almost the only ones left inside this jeep, at agad kong pinuwersa ang sarili ko na bumaba habang nakaalalay sa akin itong si Asteria na agad pumara ng tricycle para sakyan namin.

 

"Okay... okay na ako, Asteria... I can go home alone—"

 

"No, it's okay. Hihintayin ko munang makapasok ka and then I'd go, since maaga pa naman." she says, and I could no longer stay upright or even argue with her as she helps me inside the trike, and I found myself leaning towards her shoulder and she lets me, silently.

 

"Inom ka gamot, I'd help you catch up with what you'll miss bukas. Wag ka muna pumasok bukas and rest." she says, holding my hand tight, and she still feels cold against my skin, like she's something I could never do without.

 

"Ma... Mamimiss kita." I utter in my tranced state, and I don't even realize I'm speaking my thoughts out until she laughs at that, patting my head.

 

"Me too, Avah." she says, barely a whisper as her accompaniment slowly comes to an end.

 

"Me too."

 

*

 

Lord.

 

Tumatawag nanaman ako kay Lord.

 

Tinatamad ako pumasok today, but I have to—baka pagalitan na ako.

 

It's been, what? The second day that I've been absent, and it's already the fifth month since nagsimula ang pasukan—in those five months I've been overworked, confused, nagcut ng classes and even nagkasakit, but now I feel like I'm in a slump.

 

Bakit? Hindi ko alam.

 

My eyes dart to my phone, laying upon my bed, at napabuntong hininga ako habang kinuha ko iyon at nakita ko ang messages nila Andrea at Eli, yung nanay nanayan ko sa school na si Zylane, yung mga kagroupmates ko na nagtatanong kung sino magpapasa ng thesis, and of course, her.

 

Asteria.

 

Late na ako ng mga 1 hour—must be why I'm so bombarded with messages at the moment.

 

It would take me another hour to go from home to school, and then thirty minutes to go from the gate and to my classroom, and then I'd have to wait for a bit since siguradong third subject na ako makakapasok—then I'd spend only three hours in school, tas uwi ulit.

 

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm so bothered, and why I'm so tinatamad na pumasok.

 

Asteria Jordaine: Nasaan ka na?

Hindi ka na din pumasok kahapon.

Avah, are you okay?

 

You.

 

You're the one who's confusing me.

 

Ano ba kasing motibo mo?

 

Or am I the only one giving meaning to your actions?

 

Or are the two of us waiting each other out?

 

No.

 

I'm not the one to take risks, and I won't take risks.

 

Avah Julianna: I'm fine. Papasok din ako bukas, but sorry I can't go to class today.

Ingat ka pauwi, Asteria :>

 

So fake, Avah.

 

So ing fake.

 

I have to talk to someone about this, and I think I know who to talk to, since that someone could help me deal with this thing—although I have to tweak some details, pero given how observant she is, I know she already knows something.

 

Bakla daw pero hindi: Eli?

Can we talk?

Don't tell this to Andy or Asteria ha.

I think...

I think I'm gay.

 

 

[Ten Years Present]

 

"HOY, AVAH!" sigaw ni Zylane Chavez, yung nanay nanayan ko na agad naman akong pinalo sa shoulder at niyakap pagkatapos, at agad naman akong napangiti habang niyakap ko siya pabalik.

 

"GAGO KA, BAKIT HINDI MO KO CHINAT KAHIT ISANG BESES LANG???" malakas na sigaw ni Zylane, at natawa na lang ako nang yakapin niya ako ulit ng mahigpit—I'm not gonna lie, I miss this.

 

I really do.

 

"Sorry, busy lang kasi—I also have a flight back tomorrow to Seoul, since I just had to make it today." sagot ko, sighing as I realize how tedious my schedule had been just to make it today, at parang hindi na ata ako matutulog tonight dahil may flight ako ng 3am.

 

"Taray naman, rich tita ka na niyan? Ay, may jowa ka na? Pakilala mo naman sa amin—"

 

"Rich single tita." I corrected Zylane, a stiff smile upon my lips, at natawa naman si Andrea nang mapansin niyang napangiwi si Zylane dahil sa kadaldalan niya.

 

"...nandito na nga siya. Avah!" sigaw ni Eli, at pansin ko naman ang pag iwas ng tingin ni Andrea sa ex niya, pero hindi na ako nakapagtanong sa kanya nang mapansin ko kung sino yung kasama ni Eli na lumapit sa amin.

 

Oh, God.

 

She's still so beautiful.

 

"Asteria." I said, smiling as she laid out her hand for me to take.

 

"Like it's our first time meeting again, hm?" she utters her voice small and seemingly wanting to be silent, and I almost could not hear her as the speakers blasted party music all around us.

 

"Well, then... Nice to meet you, Asteria."

 

"You too."

 

[Ten Years Past]

 

"Diba, sabi ko na nga ba tama ang radar ko eh!"

 

Napabuntong hininga na lang ako nang ilakas pa ni Andrea yung sinabi niya, at agad naman siyang napaaray nang kurutin siya ng gf niya na pinromise sa akin na hindi mabibigla si Andrea sa revelation ko.

 

"So? Sino namamatahan mo?" tanong niya, at sinipa ko siya sa ilalim ng table habang papalapit na si Asteria.

 

"Oh my God, you're here. Pumasok ka din sa wakas." Asteria utters loudly, and I let out a small whine as she flicks my forehead with her finger, twice dahil daw nanggigigil siya at ang dami ko nang absences.

 

"Ang dami mong namiss na activities! Jusko ka, san ka ba napunta—"

 

"Asteria, pwede ba tayo magusap?" Tanong ko, at tumango naman siya na nakangiti habang pinagtitinginan naman kami ni Andrea at ni Eli, probably knowing who I liked by now.

 

Ah, I don't care.

 

I need to say this before it drives me crazy.

 

Here I go—

 

"Asteria, I..."

 

"I think... I think I know what you're about to say." she says, sighing as she looks down upon her shoes and not to me.

 

"What? Wait, what do you mean—"

 

"Na you like me? That's what you were going to say ba?" she says, and I grit my teeth as I nod, not really knowing what to say after that, dahil pagkatapos kong pag-isipan kung paano ko ba sasabihin sa kanya na gusto ko siya, I haven't really thought what happens next.

 

"Avah, I'm sorry."

 

What?

 

"Bakit ka nagsosorry?"

 

"I see you as a younger friend, Avah. A younger sister. Kaya sobrang protective ko sayo. I'm sorry if you misunderstood those actions, hindi ko rin kasi nalinaw sayo." she said, a faint smile upon her face as she held my hand, as if that could console me.

 

"It's... it's fine. Ako naman yung nag expect, ako naman yung umasa, it's not your fault naman if I misunderstood your actions." I utter, kahit na parang naiiyak ako.

 

It hurts. Like a .

 

And the way she looks at me... Oh my God.

 

"I'll get over you, Asteria." I say, kahit na parang hindi naman totoo.

 

I'm lying again. Over and over again.

 

Over you, again.

 

"Thank you." is all you say—and it was all over.

 

[Ten Years Present]

 

"So that's why you disappeared, Avah." She says, and it is, after all the first time that the two of us had talked about this ever since I confessed to her that day.

 

"I... Sorry, Avah." She says, and she's this close to breaking my heart again, this close to cracking it open again, at hindi nalang ako nagsalita dahil hindi ko talaga alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko, and i cdon't really want to cry here.

 

"Did... Did you get over me?" she asks, like it could save her sanity, like it could be her saving grace, but I know that it is far from it. She's ripping off the band aid that I had clumsily put upon that wound that I had attained because of her, at hindi ko siya pinipigilan.

 

"Yes."

 

Even though it tastes bitter. Wrong. A lie, yet again, dahil sa totoo lang...

 

Not even close.

 

I haven't even started moving on, even after ten years.

 

Queen of lies, indeed.

 

"Good, Avah. I'm sorry." she says, then moving away from me, again.

 

Like that day.

 

Like that day, after she had broken my heart even if I know that it wasn't her intention to begin with, and everyday I argue to myself if she caused it. If she intentionally had me fall for her only for her to never catch me in the first place. Or if I was really the one who had thrown everything and put myself at risk for something I knew would never be fruitful.

 

Ah, I don't care anymore.

 

All I know is that after all these years, it's still her.

 

And would still be her.

 

Hay, buhay.

 

You're still as beautiful as ever, Asteria.

 

And you've left my heart breaking silently twice without you even knowing.