some people have louder thoughts than others. you wouldn't know looking at a person how loud they're thinking but just like with voice, you can control how loud it goes. she's good at tuning them out, all the people around her. it's a skill she's proud of because it didn't use to be like that. when she was younger she cried every day from the moment she opened her eyes to the moment she closed them to sleep. she couldn't hear anything else, the noise was too much to her young brain. her mother had taken her to several doctors but everything was good, nothing out of ordinary. her father had sat her down and asked why is she suffering so much, what is it that making her cry.

joohyun never told anyone.

she figured it was easier that way, even in a young girl's mind she didn't want to burden people. how would they react if they knew she knew what they are thinking each minute, every hour. they'd be scared probably, they'd shun her away. she wonders if her parents would've given her up if they knew. she knows it's a possibility, she literally can read minds.

she knows what people think of their children, what lovers think of each other, what strangers think alone. she knows some awful stuff and wouldn't repeat it to anyone, she wants to forget it. she can't. she knows about suffering and she knows joy but the former always seems to overcome the latter. it's what she can't forget and what she thinks the most about. sometimes she wonders if suffering is her destiny if she's supposed to absorb other's people pain and carry it instead of them. like atlas of sad people.

maybe all the secrets, things people don't talk about and only think about it when they pop into their head, maybe she's supposed to say that she knows it. that she hears it and she understands. that it's okay, whatever they did, whatever happened, it's okay. every person is precious no matter what happened. as she can read minds and met lots of people in her life, she knows no person is unworthy of forgiveness, of feeling happiness. she literally knows everything and that's what people think the most - that they're worthless. that's the reason she has to tune people out, that's why she can't listen to them everyday; because she'd just curl up and cry like she did when she was young. the despair in people's thoughts are hardest to carry.

she spends time alone. she tries to be in the places where the number of people are smallest. since childhood she didn't have any friends, just being close to a person gets too much. she tried to have a friend in pre-school only to end up hiding in a cupboard by the end of the day, crying. she never tried again, she figured hearing people's thoughts was sort of like having a friend. she gets to know people more intimately than anyone in their life. that's enough for her.

being in college is quite a challenge, everyone wants to be friends, date, go to hangouts. the group projects are a pain, she tries to do her part separately if she can. sitting in the classroom makes her hear the material twice, the first time when the professor thinks it and the second that they say it. she's the quickest one to write down notes, she looks the prettiest in every class. she gets bored quickly.

joohyun sits back in her chair, she's in the library right now, on the day there are the least people around - friday night. everyone is either at parties or dates, resting from classes. joohyun sits there because it's quiet, she doesn't have to work really hard to tune people out, everyone thinks as quietly as they are supposed to talk. she loves it here.

'i can't believe i'm here'

someone's thought enters joohyun's mind. she remains as she was, you wouldn't be able to tell that anything happened if you didn't know better.

'i should've studied for the test the test was hard it's no wonder i didn't pass but seulgi passed and she didn't study am i stupid i hope not my mom would be sad'

she's listening to a real scatterbrain, she thinks, and tunes her out.

'i'm not stupid everyone else is so smart'

joohyun furrows her eyebrows, trying again. why is she not tuning out this person?

'this chair is a nightmare i should've sat somewhere else'

it's not working. the tuning out is the most useful thing joohyun thought of herself. she used to sit in the back of the class in middle school, training her brain not to listen. she'd focus on any other sound that there is in the room and listen hard to it only. slowly the thoughts would quieten, but not disappear completely. the trick is to think up. she can't explain it but when she tries not to listen to the thoughts and thinks 'up' they disappear completely. suddenly it's quiet.

it's not working right now, that person still thinks loudly as she thinks up. just for whatever reason she tries to think down, just to experiment, but it does nothing, the person babbles away in her head as if it's their own.

'oh wow she's so pretty'

joohyun looks around discreetly, there are only four people, including herself, in this big room. a guy and a girl at the very end left of the room, quietly talking to each other and a girl at the right of her with her head buried in a book.

the thing is, she's never sure which person she's listening to. the sound come at her as if she's listening with her sound-isolating headphones on. it's impossible which way the thoughts come from. she can hear the person's voice though, she knows if she were to talk to the person, she'd know their thoughts too. sometimes it's obvious just by looking, no need for any detective work if a person is thinking about ice cream and there's a person eating ice cream in front of her; she'd know it's them.

'whoa her profile is killer, why haven't i seen her before?'

who is this talking about, joohyun wonders and looks at the girl with the guy. she's pretty but is she the one thinking this? she has her eyes only on her guy, they are holding hands on top of the table. if it's not her?

joohyun looks at the other girl, who immediately averts her eyes when their eyes accidentally meet.

' she saw me'

bingo, joohyun cheers in her mind having found whose thoughts she can't tune out. now she just needs to try harder, she needs to have options if she were to meet someone like that again, someone she can't tune out - she'd know what to do.

'why is she looking at me, how does my hair look? do i have something on my face?'

her voice is quite attractive, a bit deeper for a woman, it sounds a bit like she's talking like that on purpose but still pretty. she's a small little thing, the chair nearly swallows her whole. she's cute, joohyun thinks, as the girl runs her hands through her hair and stretches her arms wide acting nonchalant. joohyun knows the truth, she hears her freaking out because joohyun is still looking at her. she trying to see if perhaps she can hear other thoughts too. maybe that's why she can't tune her out, maybe she can hear her thoughts. she tilts her head as she looks for any signs that she's heard her. there's none. with flushed cheeks she looks down at her book, waiting until joohyun will look away. she does with a sigh.

'what's her name? should i come over there? oh she's not looking anymore..  damn, if seulgi was here she would hit me for missing my chance.'

joohyun smiles to herself, happy that the stranger has someone to themselves, probably friends. she's glad to hear about the people's happy lives.

'how is she so pretty. aphrodite.'

joohyun flushes at the compliment, no one called her aphrodite before. she bites her thumb's nail, thinking it over. she is pretty, the girl. maybe if she were to stand near, maybe she'd talk to her. joohyun stands and walks her way, then past her. she browses books on the shelves as she waits for the girl to do anything.

'she smells so good. she's so close, what do i do? do i talk to her. maybe not, i'm too scared.' 

joohyun sighs a frustrated breath. she looks at seungwan again and when their eyes meet she smiles. maybe if she showed that she's friendly... 

'god, look at her smile! sun can't compare. my heart is pounding'

joohyun huffs a laugh then hides her smile. how can a human being be so adorable? she just needs to figure out why her thoughts are so loud in her head. maybe because she's thinking about her? maybe there's some sort of connection? joohyun looks at her and their eyes meet again. joohyun bows and seungwan quickly repeats the action, knocking her knee into the desk by accident in the process. she grasps it in her hands, wincing loudly then turns bright red realizing joohyun saw everything. she lets go of her leg and pretends nothing happened. joohyun stares at her.

"are you okay?" she quietly asks, seeing an opening.

"m-me? yeah-yeah i'm totally fine." seungwan swallows the lump in , her stomach-churning.