In 2012, my mental health absolutely took a nose dive. It had been leading up to the complete blow up, but it finally came to a that year and I was considered a lost cause for the rest of my high school career. I'll be very honest, I didn't think I would make it past 18 years old. 

The singular, only good thing to come out of 2012 was my new found love for kpop. I had heard songs from GG and Super Junior before and enjoyed them, but when I watched FACE for the first time, that's when I felt something for kpop that I hadn't before. 

My best friend moved away which was the final straw for that mental health tank of 2012, and because of that, we were clinging onto anything that could keep us connected and talking over skype and facebook. So she decided to try and get me into kpop with her. She showed me her favorite group, SHINee, who of course I love. And then she showed me U-Kiss's Neverland. I LOVED it! I felt moved by the dance and the video. It was powerful. U-Kiss was my bias group for all of 5 minutes when she showed me FACE. 

"This is a brand new group!" she explained. "They just debuted a few days ago. But I know your favorite Vocaloid is Len and one of the members of this band looks like him right now!" 

She was talking about Ren, of course. And she was right to show me that video. Because my life changed. They altered my person and I've stayed with them for all of these years, begging for them to get the love they deserve. I don't even talk to my previous best friend anymore, we just grew apart as the distance grew. But I stayed with Nu'est.

I stayed with Nu'est when they were gaining popularity through FACE. I stayed when they got shipped off to Japan. I stayed when they tried Nu'est M. I stayed. I stayed when people asked me "oh you like kpop? who is your favorite group?" And I would respond "Nu'est" proudly. And without fail, every time..."I've never heard of them." 

I stayed when they disappeared. We wouldn't have news for months and i kept wondering...would today be the day? Would today be the day I wake up and find out they aren't together anymore? They haven't put out any news in awhile. What if...?

I stayed, when we finally got some news and I saw Jonghyun, Dongho, Aron, Minhyun, and Mingi standing on Produce 101's stage. I cried. I cried and I felt like all of these years I tried to support to the best of my international ability...I felt like I couldn't help them. Like my voice couldn't reach them. JR said he felt like he failed. Like he broke a promise. And it broke my heart. 

But that gamble paid off and finally people could see them! I stayed for that too. For Nu'est W and missing Minhyun. 

Hell, I flew across the country! From the east coast to the west coast just to see Nu'est W in person at Kcon 2018. Finally. I got hi touch and got to see them perform. And thinking back on it, now knowing that that would be my only opportunity to see them...it hurts. I wish I could've gone to a full concert if only once. 

Regardless, I stayed. And here is why I stayed! I stayed and never left because Nu'est never left me! They went through so many hardships and so many difficult nights, but they stayed and tried so hard. They were there through my roughest nights even though I know they were struggling and hurting. I have distinct memories of each new release and listening to them in order is like listening to me growing up. 

I have every album, several DVS, a lot of collectibles, several different lightsticks, and tons of photocards. I became an official fanclub member at the 2.5 round of entries since they had openned up entries when I was finally old enough to control my money. I did my best to support. I tried. And they tried. 

I don't know what happened, seeming as back in January they were still talking about the future. It didn't feel like any of them were looking at leaving, but I don't think we'll ever really know what went into their decisions. Three leaving and two staying is just very odd. And I'm scared for the future. No matter what, I felt like I'd always have that rock to stand on. Nu'est would always be there. 

But now they won't be and that makes me scared. I feel like that lonely, quiet, broken high schooler again. If I didn't have Nu'est through all of that, I don't know where I'd be. I'm so scared. But I would never blame any of the members or want them to stay in a place they don't want to be in. I'm proud of them for giving us MANY more years than I thought we would have together. And while I can't stop the tears from flowing, I will continue to hope for the best for each of them, and maybe good will come out of this. Maybe. 

For now, I will conclude. Maybe this is symbolic. Maybe I'm finally at a point in my life where I won't need that rock to ground me. Where I don't need that safe and reliable space that I found in Nu'est to depend on. They're ready to move on, so maybe I should be too. 

But that doesn't stop the tears...

I'll try and write a little more in the next few days. I need somewhere to let my emotions out.