Heechul's balls were freezing. His hands as well. And feet. His whole body was turning into a popsicle if he had to be honest. Some people might say he was overreacting but it was a bonkers cold winter and it was in the middle of the ing night. Okay, it was only a little past ten. But still, he was out in those conditions. He couldn't believe he was out. 

One would wonder why was Kim Heechul outside in those conditions when he could be inside his warm hotel room, playing games and not worrying about his balls falling off. Well, the answer is simple - he was an idiot. A bloody moron. He was beyond saving. He was-

"Hyung, sorry for making you wait," he was head over heels and was happy to even get a frost bite if it meant that the smile he was looking at would never disappear. 

"I was on the brink of quitting if you hadn't appeared in the next minute," Jongwoon held his forearm and jumped a bit as Heechul started walking.

"Hyung, don't say that. You know I've been waiting for this the whole day," 

"Really, I couldn't tell," Heechul jabbed at him sarcastically and Jongwoon hit his arm jokingly. 

They've arrived a day early to their Super Camp show in Japan and Jongwoon wanted to visit some places that Heechul forgot the names of. Jongwoon brilliantly thought that it'd be less troublesome to do it at night, having a lesser chance to get recognised, Which Heechul agreed to but also it was winter. 

"Is there no one else you can ask to come with you?" Heechul out right grumbled when Jongwoon asked him and tried avoiding his eyes. 

"But I wanted to spend some time with hyung because it's been so long since we spend time together when we aren't working. Just the two of us," Heechul hated the way those words made him feel. The guilt was dripping over his mind like poisonous honey. He wanted to spend time with Jongwoon. Of course he did. But his feelings were in such a disarray since Jongwoon had returned. 

Heechul didn't know what was it that triggered those feelings. Did he miss him that much? Was it something different in Jongwoon? He seemed to be more vulnerable and Heechul wanted to protect him. Shield him from everything bad. Or perhaps those feelings had always been there, nestled deep in Heechul's heart? Either way - Heechul got scared. He didn't know what he could say or do if they had to spend "quality" time alone. 

"What about your precious dongsaengs, Ryeowook or Kyuhyun?" 

"I told you I want to spend time with you," Jongwoon's lower lip was slightly bulging out and Heechul held 

in the urge to roll his eyes while finding Jongwoon cute. Dissolving into thin air seemed very appealing right about now. Why was literally no one around who could save him from this? It was just the two of them in this spacious room. He couldn't believe it. 

"Heebong, have I done something?"

"No!" Heechul was quick to answer, his voice was louder than intended, making Jongwoon slightly startled. He cleared his throat awkwardly and rubbed his neck. "It's not that. I just-I was thinking of play-" the constant burning gaze coming from the side wasn't helping him at all. He felt like Jongwoon was trying to drill a hole through him. 

"You know what - never mind. I'll come. But!" Heechul raised his fingers, stopping Jongwoon from jumping at him. "You better treat me something worthy otherwise-"

"Yes, yes, whatever hyung wants," in the end Jongwoon hugged Heechul tightly from the front after he jumped from his seat. "I'm so happy, Heebong," 

Heechul slumped in his seat as Jongwoon pressed against him and stood still for a few moments. The action made his heart skip joyfully in his chest. He might up things with Jongwoon, but at that moment he couldn't care. 

Now - on the other hand - he did. But not because of anything related to Jongwoon. No, it was the fact that he could feel his lips turning blue. Okay, he couldn't, but he was certain they were. 

Jongwoon walked around the brightly lit streets with artificial lights and stopped from time to time to take photos. Admiring the things around him like a little kid. Heechul smiled at him fondly. He cautiously thought about how much he should indulge himself in this happiness. The pain that was sure to follow wasn't so appealing. But then again as he kept following Jongwoon he thought that he wouldn't mind his heart getting broken a bit. As long as Jongwoon stayed close enough so Heechul knew he was well. As long as Heechul was able to see his face from time to time. Even if he couldn't call him his and wouldn't be able to ever experience the intimacy he craved for. 

"Hyung, come on, you're too sluggish,"

"It's cold - I don't have the motivation to be faster," Jongwoon gripped his hand, interlaced their fingers naturally and pulled Heechul to walk faster. He looked at Heechul and smiled before looking forward.

"We're going somewhere warm and we could get something to drink and eat," that picked Heechul's interest. 

"What are we waiting for? Let's hurry," Heechul dragged Jongwoon along, making him lose his balance for a moment but he managed to regain it.

"Woah, hyung, wait," Jongwoon had to run up a bit to get to Heechul's pace. "You don't even know where we're going," Heechul stopped suddenly and Jongwoon had to face him when their interlocked hands pulled one another.

"You're right," Jongwoon laughed in disbelief before tugging Heechul's hand lightly. 

"Come on, then, dummy hyung. Follow me," Heechul looked at Jongwoon's joyful face from the side before glancing at their hands. Jongwoon's thumb was gently rubbing his hand. It was so unfair - having him so close but not in the way Heechul wanted. Groupmates. Friends. Brothers. Heechul squeezed their hands and put them in his jacket's pocket as he looked forward. 

Jongwoon turned to the side - watched Heechul as he huffed air out and buried half of his face in the scarf. The corners of his lips rose up unconsciously. How long had it been since the last time they had the chance to do this? Jongwoon couldn't remember. Would Heechul remember? He had a great memory but maybe he wouldn't have remembered something like this. 

Jongwoon turned his head to the front, trying not to dwell - it was more important what was happening now, not what already had passed. He looked at his phone to make sure they were on the right track. 

"Here we are," Jongwoon opened the door to the small ramen shop, the warmth hit his face and immediately looked at Heechul. His demeanour exuded delight. "Feeling better?"

"You have no idea," the staff greeted them and they replied back before looking for a place to sit. The place was cosy with a few low tables to sit around along with the bar. They choose one table in the furthest back before ordering. 

"So - how did you find this place? It seems rather secluded," they took seats on the warm floor, nestling their feet under the futon on the table. 

"I asked Kyuhyun to get recommendations from his buddies who are locals. The ones he likes to hang out with so much when we come here," Heechul snorted.

"Are you still hung up on that?"

"No - I'm just joking," they poured each other drinks after they were served.

"Actually, the place has quite the history. They don't advertise it all that much but the locals are familiar with it so they aren't low on customers," Heechul listened to Jongwoon's ramblings about the small restaurant, not really interested but feeling so light-hearted by the atmosphere. He didn't want it to end.

---

 

"Are you taking me anywhere else after that?" 

"To see the Christmas illuminations in midtown. It's not far from here, we'll catch them just before they close,"

"So you're dragging me out in the cold again?" 

"Oh, come on, hyung. It's just for a bit," 

After eating, they headed for the place. It seemed to have become colder but it could have been because they were coming out from a warm place. Their breaths instantly showed in the air, thick and long. 

"I'm craving a cigarette," Heechul confessed "It was such a good meal,"

Jongwoon chuckled "It's such a weird thing - craving a cigarette after a nice meal. Wouldn't you want the taste of the food to remain for longer rather than replacing it with such a distasteful one,"  

"Probably," Jongwoon snuck his arm around Heechul's forearm as they walked. 

"If you want - should we buy some," 

"Nah, better not get into that habit again. It's bad enough that I drink so much," Jongwoon smiled sadly and looked at the ground. Speaking of drinking - he was feeling light-headed but didn't want to tell Heechul. There was something he wanted to tell him and he hadn't had the chance to do it yet. So Jongwoon held on to him, being careful not to trip. 

---

The lights were truly beautiful. Jongwoon felt like he was in a fairy land. They walked slowly around the place while being mindful of the time they got. There were just a few people around which made it even nicer. They didn't have to worry. 

It was like a date - Heechul thought. It was ridiculous. Jongwoon wasn't even aware of his feelings. Heechul was hanging on hopeless dreams. But even so, if he wasn't hurting anyone, was that a problem? Expect for himself - no one else was suffering so he might as well indulge in fantasies. It was a great place for that anyways. A fantasy like land.

Jongwoon got so enamoured by the scenery that he almost forgot to speak to Heechul. 

"Hyung, let's sit for a bit,"

"Sure,"

"I need to talk with you about something," 

"So serious all of a sudden?" They found a nice spot where they could enjoy the lights and have a conversation. 

Jongwoon's face was flushed both from the alcohol in his bloodstream and the slight embarrassment. 

"Yeah, I- I-ah am not sure how to even begin but I hope you won't hate me,"

"Hate you?" Heechul was so confused.

"I know you won't, I'm sure about it but- umm, it's still nerve wracking to talk about this," Heechul stayed silent while Jongwoon tried to find words. And it wasn't like he didn't want to ask him what he was talking about or why was he suddenly acting unlike himself. But he didn't want Jongwoon to suddenly stop and back away.

"I mean it's ridiculous to think that you'd hate me, really. But it's just that part of my brain that is always nagging at me that I'm not good enough and-"

"You're babbling," Jongwoon stared at Heechul who was intently looking at him.

"Yes, right, sorry," he fidgeted in his place, faced the front and tried calming. 

"I'm seeing someone," the first thing that came to Heechul's mind was to think why would he hate Jongwoon about that. After the information had settled he felt an uncomfortable feeling in his chests. 

"Alright. Are you dating a criminal or something?" He tried getting the mood up while distracting himself from the knot in his stomach.

"A guy," Jongwoon faced Heechul carefully, avoiding his eyes "I'm seeing a guy, hyung," 

The words kept on rewinding in Heechul's mind and still didn't feel real. As if he was dreaming. The sensation in his chests tightened - it almost hurt. It was becoming so distressing. His mind seemed to want to shut off. 

"Hyung, say something," he needed to. For Jongwoon. He shouldn't be doubting himself. He should be happy. Heechul pulled him and enveloped Jongwoon in a tight embrace.

"I couldn't be happier for you, Jongwoon-ah," Heechul felt Jongwoon relax in the hug while trying to hold back his tears. It was so hard not to just let the saltiness settle on his skin. Just break like a weak man. Spineless. Foolish. Not knowing what to do. How to act. What to say. 

---

 

"Thank you, hyung. Thank you so much,"

What are you thanking me for, idiot?

"And I'm sorry," Jongwoon pulled away and sighed.

"What are you saying sorry for? That you've found someone for yourself. Are you an idiot?" Heechul held his chin, making Jongwoon look at him. "Don't say it anymore,"

"I know that this has high risks, hyung. When you're an idol and merely being in a hetero relationship is a slippery slope. Does it needs saying how worse would this situation be?" His eyes trembled as he fought the tears close to bursting "And it's not just about me, hyung. All of you guys - you'll have to worry and if something happens-"

"Don't think about things that haven't happened yet," Heechul's cool and collected tone was so reassuring. Jongwoon wanted to think only about the good things. He wanted to enjoy every minute. He didn't want to worry about anything anymore. He closed his eyes and tears spilled down his face. Heechul let his face go and gently brushed his cheeks.

"It's going to be okay. Does Jungsoo know?" Jongwoon shook his head. 

"You're the only one," 

Great

"He isn't a celebrity and wanted things to be private but I had to tell someone. It'd be selfish for me to keep a secret from the group but I can't tell everyone just yet,"

"That's okay - with due time,"

 

It wasn't okay. It was far from okay. But Jongwoon didn't need to know. No, this was all because Heechul couldn't make a move. Because he was a ing coward. 

But it wasn't that, was it? Jongwoon's only relationships were with women, he never talked about liking guys. Maybe it was hard for him. It's understandable - growing up in a country with a culture that hadn't caught up with a lot of things. So conservative. It wasn't like he had said to anyone about his own experiences. It was hard for Heechul as well. Like Jongwoon, he was worried about putting the others in an uncomfortable position. He was honest to an extent.

But knowing that Jongwoon liked men and he could have a chance, made Heechul so much more hopeless. But did he ever have a chance? Would Jongwoon ever see him in that light? It was so unlikely. If he judged by the type of women Jongwoon liked, if he liked similar men, wouldn't Heechul be almost the opposite of them? He wasn't soft-spoken. His temperament was so turbulent and unexpected. He could rarely commit to a relationship. He wasn't petite. His features were sharp like his personality. He craved independence while Jongwoon constantly needed company. 

Jongwoon would actually never be attracted to him. It didn't matter that he liked men or not. 

But even with that conclusion - it was so hard to make peace with it. Jongwoon naturally showed his affection without constraints. He kept on doing it with Heechul so much. It was near impossible to push him away while they were in front of fans during the Super Camp tour. He made excuses while they were in the hotels. Jongwoon also hung out with the others. It was easier. 

But Heechul's mind would sometimes drift. Thinking about him without even realising it. He lost so many games, it was irritating. He didn't want to be cliche. Get a stranger in his bed to make him forget. But he did indulge in alcohol. He couldn't help it. He'd get some snacks so he wouldn't seem so pathetic. Not like anyone was watching him. If there was a god or gods, they could mind their own business. 

 

On the night of their last tour date he felt particularly tired. His leg had been giving him some trouble and he had to take pills after a medic gave him a massage. Along with the alcohol, it made him drowsy and slowly drifted to sleep. It didn't last for long. After a few minutes there was knocking on the door. Heechul stirred awake. He grunted while slowly getting up from the bed. 

It was Jongwoon on the other end of the door. It took Heechul a few moments to realise what was happening. Jongwoon was wet - his hair was and his face. His beautiful face was drained with tears. Red stained eyes stared at him.

"H-hyung," a broken whisper came out from his lips before Jongwoon threw himself at Heechul. After regaining his balance, Heechul pulled Jongwoon into the room and closed the door behind them. They stood still while Jongwoon cried in his embrace. His head was buried in Heechul's stomach, clinging on his tee shirt with his arms around the older man's torso. Heechul rubbed his back in hope to bring him comfort. He wasn't so good with words in these situations but he wanted to try his best. 

After Jongwoon's breathing became regular, Heechul pulled him up and led him to sit on the bed. While Jongwoon mindlessly sat there, Heechul grabbed a small towel and wetted it. He brushed Jongwoon's face carefully without a word. The only thing that kept the room noisy were the sounds from the forgotten tv. Heechul put the towel in the bathroom and filled a glass with water. Jongwoon took it with trembling hands and sipped gingerly. Heechul sat on the chair across the bed and kept studying Jongwoon's face, not sure what to say or do next.

"Do you," he cleared his throat, "do you want to talk about what happened?" 

"He ended it," Jongwoon's weak voice was like a knife that went straight through Heechul. Why would anyone do this to him? He didn't deserve it. He deserved happiness, smiles that'd make his face hurt and endless amounts of love. Heechul got up, closed the distance between them and hugged Jongwoon while standing. He buried his face in Heechul's stomach, inhaling the comforting scent from the older man. Heechul's fingers ran through his hair giving Jongwoon comfort.

"Bastard, I'll cut his if I ever meet him," a weak chuckle "I'm serious. He better not cross my path," Jongwoon looked up at him, his eyes - still watery but he had a small smile adoring his features. 

"Don't do stupid things, hyung, it's not worthy,"

"What do you mean it's not worthy? You ARE worthy. You have no idea how much. An endless amount. Don't ever doubt it," Heechul squeezed his cheeks and Jongwoon frowned.

"Hyun', wot you tolkin' 'bout?" 

"He shouldn't treat you like that. You deserve better. So much better," Heechul let his cheeks and gently ran his hand down his neck. Time seemed to be slowing down. Jongwoon stared at Heechul, his face questioning him. Heechul's mind was spiralling. He shouldn't do anything stupid but it was so hard to resist. Jongwoon was pulling him like a magnet. Without a warning, Heechul shifted forward and kissed him. It felt so unreal, like a ghost's touch. Jongwoon didn't move, neither did Heechul. He had just realised what he had done. There was no coming back from that. He had ed up majorly. 

"Hyung," a faint voice called him "hyung," it kept on going. 

"Hyung!" It was getting louder. Heechul opened his eyes. The hotel's ceiling looked blurry for a few moments while he tried pushing the sleepiness away. He noticed his phone was ringing and reached towards it. Without looking he just turned the sound off. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to return to Jongwoon in his dream. He-

"Hyung!"

" off!" 

"Open, hyung!" That little -

"If you don't off, I'll drink all your expensive wine next time I go to the dorm!" 

"If you don't open, I'll tell Jongwoon hyung you visited his-" the door swung open, the air hit Kyuhyun's face and his nostrils flared up a bit before he pinched his nose and scrunched his brows.

"What do you want, you little turt?"

"Hyung, have you been making alcohol in there or bathing in it?" Heechul's eyes twitched in annoyance, Kyuhyun could see that his hyung was holding back from shouting at him. 

"What.do.you.want?" 

"Well, Teukie hyung is looking for you, but you weren't answering your phone and I was sent to look for you. I could hear your phone inside when I called so-"

"Get to the important bit,"

"Teukie hyung is looking for you,"

"For?" Kyuhyun shrugged simply. 

"I was just playing games on my phone, and didn't pay attention. I just happened to be around him so he 

send me because he said he was doing something else. Didn't really care to ask," Heechul felt a headache forming at his sides. "But you can now sort it out," Kyuhyun patted his shoulder and turned to leave. "But hyung - you should freshen up before that," 

Heechul watched Kyuhyun leave and sighed. No chance of getting back to that splendid dream anymore. 

 

---

 

The last day of Super Camp's winter leg tour had come and Heechul had thought that he'd finally be able to relax after all the built up anxiety and stress. Not only with Jongwoon but his leg continued bugging him a little so he just wanted to go home and rest. Unfortunately, plans sometimes don't go as you want. 

"Hyung, have you been avoiding me?" The last show had come to an end and Heechul got dragged to the side after they said their thanks to the staff. Jongwoon's eyes were fired up. This sometimes meant good things, but Heechul's luck wasn't on his side at that moment. It hadn't been for a while. But especially now. 

He could feel the glances of the members, the staff wasn't paying attention to them which he was thankful for. He'd want to bury himself in the ground otherwise. 

"Jong-"

"Don't come up with excuses," Heechul didn't want this to escalate. All of them were tired, there wasn't any need for fights.

"No, Jongwoon-ah, you're mistaken," sometimes it was fun to get into a squabble with him, but at that moment it wasn't one of those times. "I'm sorry if you've felt this way. I've been tired - you know my leg had been acting up," okay he was a bit low for using this as an excuse but it wasn't entirely false. Worry settled on Jongwoon's face, his features becoming softer yet still serious. Heechul wanted to hug him but held back. It might be impossible to let go after that. 

"Right," Jongwoon felt kind of stupid but he couldn't stop the nagging feeling he had. He really did try to but it got the better of him. "Sorry, I was a bit rash, wasn't I,"

"No need to apologise," Heechul's warm hand rubbed his arm. It felt dependable. It felt somehow new. Heechul's maturity had increased over the years and Jongwoon kept noticing it. Other things kept catching his attention as well, but Jongwoon didn't want to acknowledge them. It had been long since he had told himself to not take notice of details about Heechul. Details that kept him awake at night. That got him constantly glancing at his hyung. Things that made his heart skip. But no more. 

"I'm selfish, aren't I," Heechul's caresses stopped and he held on Jongwoon's wrist. "I want to hog all of your attention, even when you don't feel well," Heechul rubbed his hand affectionately and shook his head. 

“You’re anything but a selfish person, Jongwoon-ah. Just give me some time to rest and I’ll be more than happy to spend as much time as possible with you,” Heechul stepped forward, ready to embrace Jongwoon, even to give him a peck on his cheek, but only rubbed his back with a distance between them. He needed to sort out the mess in his head and heart before he was able to face Jongwoon without feeling agony, without the what ifs and what could have been scenarios, floating in his head. 

“Alright, hyung,” Jongwoon looked at him before pulling him in a crushing hug. “But do this properly,” 

Jongwoon noticed Heechul was stiff, but soon relaxed and leaned in closer. He didn’t understand his hyung sometimes, but was thankful for having him in his life. He didn’t want to lose him, even if friendship was the thing that tied them together the strongest. He wasn’t going to wish for anything as long as Heechul stayed next to him. Nothing at all.

 

---

 

To say that Heechul couldn’t sort himself would be understatement. He was an even bigger mess if that was possible. Only emotionally. He had to at least keep his place clean if everything else was going haywire. Okay, he was over-exaggerating once again, but in his defence it was because he was over-thinking and his issues seemed bigger than they were.

One big important thing was that he wasn’t going to get enough time to come to acceptance. The Super Camp Tour was supposed to continue in about two months time which meant more of them spending time together. 

He loved the members, the stage, the fans, but how was he supposed to deal with this? 

Working on other things was a nice distraction and he didn’t have enough time to meet him. It didn’t stop Jongwoon from sending him messages from time to time about the most mundane things. Shouldn’t he send those to his boyfriend? At those moments, Heechul had the hardest time ignoring his feelings. Thinking about Jongwoon having a male partner. Was he treating him the way Jongwoon deserved? Had he made him cry? Heechul never did but he had made Jongwoon mad so many times. They both have done it to each other. Swearing, shouting, punching. So immature. Yet they couldn’t let go of each other. No matter what, Jongwoon never gave up on him and he didn’t want to either. Heechul wanted to be his support. So he had to overcome the emotional setback. 

After Jongwoon finished the latte art, he snapped a photo and sent it to Heechul.

Hyungie, look what I learned! Isn’t it pretty?! 

His message was probably going to be seen after a few hours, but Heechul had a packed schedule so he understood. Jongwoon missed him, but he held back from constantly calling him, even his texting was minimal. He didn’t want to bother him. But also guilt was sneaking up on him. 

His phone rang. The main reason he was feeling guilt was written over the screen. He had found someone he could be his real self with yet he couldn’t let go of the past completely. He wasn’t doing anything terrible but his thoughts kept failing him. He didn’t want to have the sense that he was picking between two people. He was at wits’ end. 

---

 

“Heechul and you - are you good?” Jungsoo asked him when they met a few days before their new tour dates. He had to come by the coffee shop and Jongwoon was a bit surprised, but happy nonetheless. Until the dreaded conversation commenced. Jungsoo gave them time and space to sort it out on their own, but he still had to make sure as a leader and an older brother. 

Jongwoon wasn’t sure what to say. They were as long as they didn’t meet each other, but that wouldn’t be an option. They were in one group after all. 

“I- we- we are fine, we’ll be fine, everything is going to be alright,” he wasn’t even fooling himself but maybe if he kept saying it out loud it’d become true. 

“Jongwoon-ah, you know you can tell me whatever is going on,” he shook his head while Jungsoo held his hand reassuringly. 

“It’s all good, hyung, I promise you. I don’t want you to worry,” 

“I’m the older one, I’ll decide whether I’ll be worrying or not,” Jongwoon’s lips weakly tugged upwards. Jungsoo’s tone was soft but firm. He couldn’t stop himself from wanting to fix everyone’s problems. He could have just warned them to remain professional when they had to, but he always had to go out of his way and do more. Jongwoon was thankful he was such a reliable leader, but he wanted to take more care of himself. 

“Hyung, even the Gods can’t take care of everyone’s problems. Don’t stretch yourself too thin,”

“Are you politely telling me to mind my own business,”

“...maybe,” Jungsoo’s laugh filled the space and a few people looked over to them. Jongwoon sipped on his coffee.

“Yah, you brat, is this how you are going to treat your worried hyung?” The murmurs around became more ecstatic but it seemed the attention was shifted in a different direction. Jongwoon turned his head towards the entrance and a familiar form came in his vision. His throat dried and he turned his head towards Jungsoo, and sipped on the coffee. Jungsoo’s eyes shifted on him, then behind him.

“Speaking of the other devil,” he sighed softly and stood up. “If that is your reaction from simply seeing him, I can draw a conclusion that contradicts your words,” Jongwoon didn’t dare say anything. The coffee was finished but he didn’t stop on the straw. 

Jungsoo called Heechul over, and reached for a chair next to their table. They were sitting on a one for two. 

“Hey,” Jongwoon straightened up and like a switch, his mood changed. 

“What brings you here, Heebong?” He could feel Jungsoo eyeing him, but he wasn’t going to crack.

“Well, I was in the neighbourhood and thought of stopping by to greet your folks and bro,” 

“It’s great that you came by actually,” Jungsoo started “We were actually talking about you,” Jongwoon cursed him with his eyes. 

“Is that so?” Heechul sipped on his beverage while being confused.

“More precisely, about you and Jongwoon and whatever was happening on the winter leg of the tour,” 

“Was there anything happening?” Heechul thought he was good at faking but his face always betrayed him. His emotions instantly appeared over it. 

“Look, guys, if you really don’t want to tell me what happened, I’ll get over it. But I wish you could work it out. I don’t want you to tip-toe around each other and have tension. We know it always ends up badly,” he looked at his phone as the screen lit up. “I have to go, but I’m expecting progress we see each other again,”

He left them in a hurry and they sat without saying anything for a while.

“So, I didn’t get to meet your boyfriend yet,”

“You’re always busy, hyung” silence fell upon them after Jongwoon’s abrupt answer.

“That is true. But, hey, you didn’t even send me a photo,” he poked Jongwoon’s side and the younger man jumped a bit, glaring at Heechul. “Is he any good? Is he more of the manly type like Siwon or baby-faced like Donghae or Wookie or maybe pretty like m-” Heechul stopped and cleared his throat. “Show me,” 

“He’s perfectly fine if you must know,” Jongwoon kept on glaring at his hyung as he unlocked his phone and showed a photo of them.

“Mmm, definitely fine,” he was more on the manly side, opposite of Heechul. Jongwoon lowered his phone and stared at the photo for a while before locking the phone. 

“Hyung, why does it feel awkward between us? It’s been so long since it felt like that. It’s so strange,” Jongwoon knew why was he weird around Heechul, but did his hyung seem different? He said he needed rest but Jongwoon could sense there was something. He wasn’t sure what exactly. Jongjin told him he must be imagining things, overthinking like always, but he couldn’t shake off the feeling. Jongwoon needed to find out. “Is there something you want to tell me? Is something bothering you?” 

“Everything is fine, Jongwoon-ah. I’m sorry that you feel it’s awkward, I’ll try my best, I’ll do better,” Heechul hesitated but took Jongwoon’s hand and interlaced their fingers. “We’re good, Jongwoon-ah,” 

He stared at Heechul without saying anything but his mind was running like mad. “If hyung doesn’t want to share, I’ll accept it,” he stood up and was ready to leave but Heechul’s hold tightened. 

“I’ve missed you. Let’s have fun on the tour,” he pulled away and petted Jongwoon’s head. “See you soon,” Jongwoon watched him walk away and cursed himself.

---

 

As time proceeded, things looked okay on the surface, they weren’t sure if they were fooling people enough but Jungsoo wasn’t bugging them so that was nice. For now at least. The truth was there was a barrier between them, one they had put and dared not to go over. Jongwoon started to feel so depressed. He couldn’t share his troubles to anyone and it was eating him alive. Jongjin was the only one slightly aware of the issues he was having but not the entire truth. He was torn about what to do. 

Jongwoon scrolled through his phone, looking at his contacts not sure that there was anyone he could tell the whole story to. Until he reached someone that had to withdraw from the tour recently. His thumb tapped on the contact and he stared, contemplating whether to do it or not. In the end he clicked on the icon for calling but didn’t move the phone. He listened to the faint ringing sound and watched the screen, waiting for the person to pick up the phone, but also hoping he didn’t.

The seconds started counting and he heard his name being called.

“Hey,”

“What’s going on?” 

“Youngwoon, I’m so screwed. I’m in so deep that I can’t see light anywhere,”

“Okay, mister pessimist, just what has gotten in you in such a state,” Jongwoon wasn’t sure how he was supposed to tell him. He decided not to tell him the gender of his partner nor the person he was having trouble to stop thinking about. 

“So you’ve known that person for a very long time and had feelings for them since a while ago, but have been afraid to confess because it might ruin everything you’ve built. And your current partner - they’re a great person and you like them, but you can’t stop thinking about the other person even if your partner makes you feel nice. Is that the gist of it?” 

“Mmm, something like this,” Jongwoon usually didn’t crave alcohol but he did now, like a lot. 

“So your main fear is things getting awkward between you and the person you’ve known for a long time,”

“They kind of are now. I think. It’s definitely been different,” 

“Do I know that person?” Jongwoon gulped and didn’t respond.

“Jongwoon?”  

“Y-yeah, you do know that person,” he was so tired of lying and trying to hide things from people. He really wanted to let it go, all and everything. 

“Alright, I sense I’m not going to get a lot about that,” 

“I’m sorry, Youngwoon-ah, I really want to tell you, I do, but it’s so hard,” his eyes were starting to water and he stared at the wall, not blinking. His heart hammered in his chest. 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me anything. It doesn’t matter. Feeling better it’s the most important thing,”

Jongwoon wished magic was real. If it was, he could make himself forget everything or better yet just erase those feelings. Never to feel that way towards Heechul. 

He talked with Youngwoon for a while longer before they said their good-byes. The heaviness in his chest was reduced and his mind was a bit less frantic. It’s been so long since he realised his feelings but didn’t act on them. Yet at the moment he came out to the person he had been head over heels for such a long time something broke in him. Getting in a relationship with another man - Jongwoon thought it’d make it easier to get over him. But why did it become so much harder? 

 

---

 

Jongwoon didn’t want to lose his relationship with Heechul and tried to maintain a friendly flow between them. He’d share the concerns he had with him about his solo and the drama he was going to star in. The topic of his relationship was avoided like the plague. Heechul made a few jokes about it but he cut him short. After that Heechul, perhaps sensing, stopped bringing it up. 

Heechul wasn’t sure if Jongwoon was having troubles with his partner but somehow it became a sour topic. Jongwoon had been talking and letting out his thoughts about everything and anything to him so much recently but when it came to his relationship he avoided it. 

Even when it wasn’t serious. Heechul made a few jokes about it like if he was ever jealous of the fanservice with the members or whether Jongwoon had already abused his philtrum. But his reaction was cold. He was rarely cold, even when he was mad. Especially then. He was a fury entangled with fire. A storm after a hot summer day that made the air so humid. He was never cold. But Heechul didn’t press further. If Jongwoon wanted to share, he would do it.

The peace continued until the last tour set in Mexico. It was something stupid that had triggered the whole incident. The thing was it had been building up since earlier that day. Heechul was sure Jongwoon was stressing over his own schedule but he still felt wronged. As often happened, his impulses took over and he went after Jongwoon, ready to have an argument. If he had to be honest, it had been a while, and he needed to let out some steam. But when he locked eyes with watery red eyes he froze. How was he supposed to act? He hadn’t dealt with this Jongwoon. On top of that it was while they were arguing. He was stunned.

“Y-you- yah, stop crying,” a sob fell out of Jongwoon’s lips and he spoke brokenly. Heechul pulled him in a hug. He couldn’t bear it. “Stop it, it’s all my fault, Jongwoon-ah. Hyung is stupid, please, don’t cry,” he whispered between Jongwoon’s whimpers. “Cuss me out, slap me, punch me, kick me, I don’t care. Just- I’m not strong enough for your tears,” Heechul felt wetness on his cheeks as he closed his eyes and enveloped Jongwoon closer.

“Yah, you two-” Jungsoo stopped in his tracks at the sight in front of his eyes. He slowly moved in and closed the door. Jongwoon’s face was all messed up with tears and make-up while Heechul was hanging on him like he was going to run away. It was far from what he was expecting. Such a turn of events was new, but maybe easier to deal with. “Why do you always have to blow things out of proportions?”

“I’m sorry,” the apology came from Heechul which was even more perplexing. Jongwoon was hiccuping as he was calming down. Heechul pulled away from him and brushed the drying tears, smearing more of the make-up. “I’ll do better,” Jungsoo was sure that wasn’t directed to him. Those two were continuing to act more and more strangely. He wasn’t sure where it was going to lead to. 

“We’ll come back in a minute,” Heechul pulled Jongwoon towards the sinks and looked over at Jungsoo in the mirror, before turning on the tap and washing Jongwoon’s face. 

Truly curious.

Jungsoo was confused, but after making sure they weren’t going to cause anymore trouble, he left them. A slight headache was forming and he hurried back to the room to take some pills.

On the way back to the hotel, Heechul held Jongwoon’s hand and pulled him in the car to sit beside him. Jongwoon relaxed once they sat and leaned his head against him. Easily closed his eyes as the car drove.