“I’m thinking of taking up an internship next semester.”

Wendy eyes her mother cautiously, gauging whether her face was marred with disappointment, sadness, or anger. She hopes it’s the last one. Anger she can handle. The other two only stir up emotions in her that allow feelings of inadequacy to bubble up to the surface, suffocating and drowning her. She was trying to be truthful now to save her parents from further disappointment.

See, that’s the thing about expectations. Too much of it is not necessarily unfavourable—should a person meet them, then they are set up high and celebrated. It’s gratifying. However, if your leaps fall behind that invisible line of success, then it’s nothing short of dissatisfaction. It’s paralysing and humiliating.

Many people say that failure is not a step backwards, but rather a stepping stone to success. A valuable lesson as we step out of our comfort zone and overcome fear. But not for Wendy. For Wendy, every step towards the unknown feels debilitating.

“I don’t quite understand what you’re doing with your life anymore. So, what is it then? Are you even graduating this year? What are you even majoring in?”

Her mother sounds angry. But each word she spoke seemed to be laced with defeat. Has her mother finally given up on her? Wendy wishes that was the case. If they give up on her, she has no expectations to adhere to. She’ll feel like an absolute bum to society but at least her heart won’t always feel like it’s anchoring her down to the deepest depths of the sea, as if trying to drown her.

“I’m dropping the second major because I can’t take one of the units this year. It would mean extending another semester which I think to be a waste of time. I don’t really lose anything by only doing one major. I need 24 units to graduate. It just means that those units I did for that second major will simply be electives. Either way, I needed to take subjects to fill up space.”

Wendy lies.

She could definitely take that subject this year. It would take an immense amount of effort though. She would have to apply to the university to allow her to take it since she doesn’t quite meet all the prerequisites required. This wouldn’t have happened if she passed all her units last year.

She was battling her own demons at that time, giving her no time to battle the throes of university. Which led to her failing all her subjects last year. Her parents didn’t know this information though. Through a series of intricately crafted lies, she was able to devise a scenario that would explain to her parents why her course is taking a year longer to finish.

“Are you taking the medicine entrance exam this year then?” her dad asked with indifference. Wendy was relieved that her dad seemed to only pay attention out of support to her mother.

“Yes, of course. I’ll have more time to study this year too. I’ll take it at the end of the year.” Wendy tried to say with as much false confidence as she can muster. “May I be excused?”

Her dad nodded to her in approval. Seeing as she has finished wiping down all the dishes, she had no reason to stay in the stifling atmosphere she has created. She walked swiftly with her head down as she made her way down to the other end of the house, seeking the comfort and privacy of her own bedroom.

She began to unlock her phone, about to message her best friend when she heard her father yell for her to come back. She huffed in mild annoyance.

“Yes?”

“You better make sure you do well. We’ve given you space and freedom. Don’t give us reason to take that all back.”

“I understand.”

–

Finally able to rest for the night, she scanned her phone for notifications and found that her best friend had texted her while she was with her parents.

DDEULGI

Seungwannnnnn.

Seungwannieeeeeeee.

Hey you there?

8:44pm

SEUNGWANNIE

Hey

Sorry I was telling my parents about my plans this year for uni.

What’s up?

9:12pm

DDEULGI

Oh yikes

How did they take it?

9:13pm

SEUNGWANNIE

Well enough.

They weren’t happy.

But I’m not kicked out of the house yet

So pretty good!

9:13pm

DDEULGI

Are you sure you’re okay?

I’ll fight your own parents for you

9:14pm

SEUNGWANNIE

Ahah you could never

You don’t want my parents hating you too right?

But yeah I’m good

I think I need a break though

I feel like vomiting. I’m starting to feel the way I did last year.

9:14pm

DDEULGI

I’m sorry I’m away right now.

But here’s a virtual hug

9:15pm