A/N:

1. I haven't really had time to write so I have the next chapter already written and like half of 18 but I will probably update a little later this time because of it. 

2. I opened a ko-fi if anyone feels like supporting my writing but doesn't want to be a monthly subscriber of my crowdfunding. (Again, totally optional!)

TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts

Joohyun remembers the exact moment her mother forbid her from using her—nonexistent—power. It was a costume for royalty to start training when they displayed the first hint of their power, around six or seven years old. But Joohyun was nine and she still had to display something, so her only training was the physical one—how to climb buildings, how to jump from heights and not die trying, how to land to not break her bones, self-defense and different kinds of martial arts and combat styles. It wasn’t unheard of mind-controllers or psychics to take longer since it wasn’t something that you could see, but three years was a lot.

It’s just that for Joohyun it would never come, but they didn’t know that, so she just assumed it was one of those things, one of those kids that blossomed late in life. And it also didn’t matter yet, since she wasn’t the next in line for the throne. But, it made her a threat, a weak spot in his brother’s future reign (because it wasn’t like her father would fight to bring her back if they ever kidnapped her or something worse. She wonders about her mother, though). And it also made her one thing her father would never forgive—a shame to the Royal Family and their reign, and maintaining their perfect image of a powerful, invincible family was the only thing holding the peace treaty with other lands and the Sea Kingdoms outside Quadlan.

Finally, she turned eleven and it was just inconceivable that she couldn’t do anything. So the royal court gave their parents an ultimatum: proof or a twisted destiny for her (not that she was aware of what that meant, but with eleven years she could imagine it, she had watched multiple times the torture sessions in the guardhouse (against her mother wishes)—a way to build character, her father would have said if he had ever found out (but he never did). Her brother knew, though, and when he told her about what the court said, he looked in shambles, at the brink of a panic attack.

“Follow my lead,” Kyungsoo said that time, leveling to her height. “You’re smart kid, you’ll know what I mean.”

She had smiled because she would have followed her brother anywhere.

Then, the trials came, her father's brightest idea (apparently) to make her fight (to death? she wasn’t sure) against other kids, royals with actual powers which she still didn’t have. She could just think about him as either delusional or cruel. It was probably the latter now that she has the whole panorama.

The chosen training place was neutral enough to not give an advantage to anyone. The first kid walked up to the arena as he owned it. Maybe he did because her father had drowned Sproutland in so much debt that it wouldn’t have surprised her if someone owned her, too.

She felt the drum of the boy’s feet against the sand. Eight kids stood up, waiting in line outside the big arena. In front of her was her brother sitting beside Minjeong in the sits reserved only for Royalty. They didn’t surprise her because she had expected them there. What did surprise her was her mother sitting inches away from them. But she was still there, silently watching her. Her father’s chair was empty.

“Listen, you know the rules: which is that there are no rules. Every movement is valid, every use of your powers is, too. But make it entertaining for the Royals who are watching, this is a show after all.” The boy in front of her smiled genuinely. “We will start from low-level powers to high, all of you against princess Irene. You ready?” She saw her mom shake her head when he said Irene instead of Joohyun, still trying to make people call her by her name. It made her smile a little, easing her nervousness.

The first round was a piece of cake. She used all her time in physical training, after all, and she excelled in it without a problem. At the end of the first five minutes, the boy was panting, brows knitted together in a sign of distress, but still put together well enough to make it interesting, as her trainer had said. She extended her hand, and he took it gladly.

Their powers were a secret, but she knew some of the kids because of the multiple royal events so she could only assume.

Then, the second five minutes started and the floor broke, big rocks being pulled off it. The boy threw them at her, and she evaded them just by inches. So much for a low-level power, she thought. He was indeed making a show. If she was good at something, it was evading things, running fast, and being flexible so she avoided being hit for three minutes straight. But then, he started to pull the big guns, and her trainer started to yell at her.

“For the Ancient God’s sake, use your powers!”

Which ones? She thought.

“Try to see if you can stop him, concentrate goddammit!” He continued to yell, providing the opposite action, and distracting her enough that one rock hit her in the back, sending her tumbling to the floor. People in the public gasped. She looked up at the timer, forty seconds left.

The boy pulled another big rock and it levitated in front of him. He threw it at her head and she closed her eyes, but the rock stopped just hovering above her. She opened her eyes when she heard the public gasp again. She briefly wondered if killing her was fair game, too.

She looked at him and he was looking ahead, blurred gaze like he wasn’t there at all. Then, the rock went in the opposite direction, hitting him in the chest. He fell backward, recovering quickly while massaging his chest. The timer went off, and the public applauded and cheered in excitement.

“Well done, Your Royal Highness,” the boy said, smiling sweetly again. He got out of the arena, sitting in a chair reserved for the contestants.

She looked at his brother, and she just knew it has been him. She tore her gaze away after Mijeong gave her a thumbs up and her trainer cheered her.

The next two fighters were a boy and a girl, in that order. The first one was a weather controller, dressed in baggy clothes and a hat, and he started right away with his power display. The sky cleared and the sun shone brighter, and stronger, increasing the temperature rapidly. He did have an advantage because he had prepared beforehand, and Joohyun burned in her black, tight training clothes. He was so skilled that the part where he was standing had a big cloud casting a shadow over him.

She beat him quickly, running around in zigzags and punching him repeatedly. At the end of the match, she was soaking wet from the storm he also created.

The third was a hydrokinetic girl. She started right away too, and it was the hardest up to that point for Joohyun. It was hard to dodge her, and she got her by her feet, making her fall face flat to the floor. Joohyun only had time to spit the wet sand out of when the girl made her water jet enter . She fall to her knees again, drowning in it, trying to pull her face away but the other four jets of water had her fixed in her place.

The public gasped again, waiting for her end. But her end didn’t come, because the water jet to stopped and the girl fell to her knees, holding her head in pain. Then, Joohyun knew this was what Kyungsoo spoke to her about. She didn’t take her eyes off the girl in front of her, putting on the act, and tried very hard to not grimace when the girl started to yell, tearing her hair bit by bit, blood falling through her face and tainting her clothes and the sand in front of her.

Joohyun could hear a desperate “Stop!” coming from her side, and she looked up at the timer, one minute and a half left. When the girl started to hit her head against the floor, Joohyun put on a blank face, even when all she wanted was to stop her, and kept walking toward her, giving the impression that it was her doing. But she knew better, it was her brother’s doing and he had waited till then because the girl tried to kill her first, that way, Joohyun wouldn’t feel so guilty, but she could only assume what her brother was thinking.

With thirty seconds left, the girl died, and Joohyun was close enough to see the cracked scalp, and the bones in her skull in a weird position, a big sunken circle on her forehead.

She realized she wasn’t supposed to kill her when the guards took her by her arms, dragging her off the arena, and the girl’s parents (probably some duke and duchess of lower rank) tried to attack her. Even after so many years, she still doesn’t know how her parents fixed that issue, but she was forbidden from any power display ever again, dimed “too dangerous” to train with other kids.

And then, one month later, her brother died at sixteen while commanding the army to fight against overseas nations, so the secret died with him.

She wonders if Minjeong knew back then, only nine years old, that it hadn’t been her display of power, but rather her brother’s. She probably did. She had always been the smartest of both of them.

She wonders if something would have changed if she had died in the girl’s place, just like it was supposed to be if she hadn’t had help from her brother. She wonders if he would have died the same way, or if her death would have made him stay with her parents to mourn her.

Sometimes she just wonders, and wonders, and stays awake thinking about how many people have died because of her and falls asleep with the girl’s face behind her closed eyelids, and sometimes, just sometimes, she wonders if she should die, too, because there’s no one left.

•••

Contrary to Castle Heights, White Mountains doesn’t have skyscrapers. It’s a weird contrast because, even from there, they can still see the tall buildings and White Mountains is just… a crowded town with a lot of houses. It’s still very organized, as Castle Heights was, but it’s less scary and maybe that has something to do with the festival Winter arranged, which makes Joohyun wonder what’s in it for Winter, because she doesn’t need her at all to go to war against Waterland, and making time to accompany her to the border doesn’t make sense either.

She thinks about how she’s changed her plan more times than she can count, and now she’s not even sure going after a ghost will help her at all. Maybe she should ask Winter to let her stay with her while she sorts her life, and decides what she will do from now on. She doesn’t have any money or properties under her name (and if she tried to claim them, it would give her location away), and maybe she should try to find something she could be good at, and start looking for an informal job that wouldn’t put her at risk. Maybe, she could build a life for herself in Winterland. It doesn’t sound far-fetched.

But she’s too stubborn, and she’s hurt. The last thing she wants is to talk to her, to ask her for something again. So she pushes down her thoughts, turning on a mental reminder to talk to Seungwan and Jimin about it later.

Now, with a clear mind, she also realizes what she did. She was ready to give herself to someone she barely knows, and not any stranger, but a stranger who may want her death to top it all. It’s barely been a week and she is already all over Seungwan at the first sign of human decency, but she can’t deny two things: one, that she feels something for Seungwan, a magnetic pull maybe, a desire to know her better, and two, that she’s not who she says she is because every second that passes it gets more obvious to her that she was blinded by naivety at first, and that no one that used to hate her so much and wanted her dead would help her in her right mind unless she gained something from it.

It doesn’t surprise her anymore that there are more secrets kept from her.

“You don’t even know who you are, do you?”

Tao’s words shouldn’t sting, but they do. It’s like he knew more about her than she ever knew her