Nayeon has just started smoking with the thought of how it relaxes her — actually, it makes her dizzy and light-headed, but when she researched about it, it says that nicotine helps your brain release the "happy hormones" or dopamine which makes you feel those side effects. She thinks she needed those hormones so being dizzy shouldn't be a problem.

She has been quite stressed recently. With the promotions about their new single, and "gigs" — as she might call it — has been quite a lot. Well, not only for her but also her members. So she thinks it is just hard to depend on other people as well because they also don't have the capacity to carry other people's burden — she thought smoking would help.

Nayeon isn't the only member who smokes in their group though — there's also Chaeyoung. But it's not like she would call her up just to ask her to smoke — Nayeon just know it's better to do it alone.

One time, after eating out having her with a full stomach, she just knew she needed a smoke that day. Little did she know that smoking in a full stomach makes her want to puke and so dizzy for some reason. She literally felt the whole world was swirling up like she's never been that kind of dizzy before. Well, again, she's just new to smoking, what do she know?

So she went back to their apartment where she live with all her members — well they have 5 rooms, and they have to share it with another member. She shares her room with Sana — which she shared with for years now, so now they are inseparable. So she went to her room and groaned a lot lot because of the dizziness, and everything. She just knew that it did not make her feel calm like she supposed to feel.

After washing her body to let the smoke smell wash out, she just laid in her bed and continued groaning like it is that one thing she's supposed to do. One thing that you should know about Nayeon and Sana is that they are physically intimate (platonically) — they slip into each other's bed and sleep that way. Don't get me wrong, they do this with their clothes on, slipping through the arms of the other and hugging each other to sleep. They don't know when it started, but it is just comfortable. If you would ask them what they feel, they would probably tell you it feels like "home". By the time Nayeon went to her bed, Sana slipped and asked what's wrong. Sana already knew Nayeon has been smoking, and Sana that she is, she just know that Nayeon knows what she's doing so she just let it.

Nayeon answered "I smoked," with Sana probing "and then" like she always do. "I felt dizzy," answered by Nayeon in a muffled voice being having her head sink in the comfort of Sana.

"You should stop smoking," and Sana started massaging the temples of Nayeon.

"But it makes me feel calm."

"I will make you feel calm instead."

But Nayeon knows Sana can't. Because Sana makes her excited, or nervous, or just wired up. Like she's about to explode at every touch that they have.

—

Nayeon didn't stop smoking — but she tried. Not because of the recent incident of feeling so dizzy and wanting to puke everything, but because of Sana said of making her feel calm. It was just hard, because even how hard she tries to stop it, and find inner peace from different things, she just can't. Everything is too much. Smoking doesn't feel her so dizzy now, she just learned not to smoke when your stomach is full, or if you just had caffeine — another life scenario she experienced with smoking.

Back in her room, she found out her packets ran out of cigarettes already so she knew she had to buy one right now because she won't be able to in another time due to being busy. And that she just didn't really want to run out of cigarettes because at the moment, she just wanted to smoke. Since Sana isn't around due to recent "gigs" which made her busy, Nayeon hasn't been really up to the challenge of quitting smoking.

She decided to go to the convenience store, but in her way out, Mina was also on her way out — another member of her group that she liked before. Well, she don't quite know if she has moved on already because she never really processed it. One thing they were close, then they just fell apart — which they never talked about why. Previously, bumping with Mina at this patricular time hasn't happened before because well Nayeon never had any reason to go to the convenience store until now. It was still awkward for sure, but it would be more awkward if they did not talk at all — they still care for each other, just not as close like before.

"Where are you going?" Mina initiated.

"Convenience store. Just to buy something."

"Oh really! I will also go there."

"Oh okay."

They never really talked about anything after that — well, except for asking about their schedule for tomorrow, or for the week. Everything felt casual, but they both know it kind of feels forced.

Until this one conversation. Mina asked Nayeon how is she, and Nayeon was taken aback because they don't ask each other that — well, because they haven't been really close for years now, but because the members don't usually ask that because they are together all the time. It would feel really weird to ask them in a certain way. But in this moment, Nayeon knew it was something that she needed.

Nayeon said that well she's feeling stressed and that she thinks everyone in the group feels stressed as well. Mina understood well. I think it is the common sentiment of the members — that they know everyone is stressed so they don't want to burden other people of their problems.

"I take long night walks."

"Hmm?" Nayeon responded. It was quite random but she thinks she knows where this is headed.

"I take long night walks to vent out. But of course, there is no substitute for talking about your feelings."

"You're right."

They arrived at the convenience store and then paid for the things they bought.

Unlike their trip to the convenience store, they went back to their apartment without really talking. And when they were about to part since their rooms were at different directions, Nayeon just blurted out "Thank you, Mina" with Mina responding with a smile and a bid of good night.

In Nayeon's room, she put the chocolates she bought to her snacks stash. Apparently, she didn't buy cigarettes that night, and before sleeping, she put a mental note "Mina makes me feel calm."

—

Nayeon's feeling all over the place without the cigarettes that supposed to make her calm so she just know that she had to go out of their room. Where she knew she would bump with Mina.

This time Nayeon initiated and asked "Where are you going?"

"Long night walks," Mina replied with a smile.

"Do you mind if I go with you?"

"Not at all."

And with that, they had been walking a lot at night. But I cannot say the same with talking. They talk casually but you just know there is some wall between them that needs to be addressed before actually being comfortable talking about certain things. Even if that's the case, Nayeon found herself relaxed with Mina, and found the silence quite comforting in a different way. With Mina, even if she don't admit it, she has been walking at night frequently now because she knows Nayeon would be there. And even if she did a good job avoiding Nayeon for too long, this is something that she's looking forward to.

Little by little they started laughing again, or at least talked about and initiated easy conversations. Just like before, it felt natural, but there are a lot of things that they weren't able to say because it felt like walking on eggshells.

—

Nayeon and Sana are complicated. They liked clinging to each other, or at least feeling the warmth of each other — not openly, but on the comfort of their room, or in their own worlds, but they never really talked about the feelings that they have for each other. If you would ask observers, they would say "both of them has something real." But if you ask Nayeon and Sana, they would probably just shrug.

They are comfortable enough to initiate in all these non-verbal cues, but really careful in finding the right words to describe what they are for each other.

For Nayeon, she hasn't really processed her feelings for Mina. And that even though she feels there something more than platonic with Sana, it isn't something that she can confront. Because she feels that Sana is just really feel comfortable with her warmth, and that basically, maybe, confessing isn't that simple.

For Sana, she isn't sure with her feelings yet for Nayeon. She just know she wants all Nayeon's attention, and warmth. And that if things weren't too complicated, she would just confess. But she knows there's something up with Nayeon and Mina — and the members also know there's something's up with Nayeon and Sana. She just don't have the time to deal with the complicatedness of it all. She thinks that it's easier to do the things that they are doing for each other now — except, it hurts sometimes.

Nayeon mentioned that Mina and her has been taking long night walks. Sana knows something is up — everyone would know something is up if ever they know that they have been talking long night walks. For 4 years since their debut, everyone witnessed Nayeon and Mina falling in love with each other — well, not that Nayeon and Mina announced it or anything. People just knew by looking at how they look each other, they treat each other, and everything. Sana knows because she's been with these people for so long. After those 4 years, no one knows what happened because they just fell apart — the longing stares are still there, just not like how close they were. And that has been the thing for 2 years now. Sana has been in the picture just recently this year. They have been really clingy for some reason. But the stolen stares are still there. And now people has been noticing that Nayeon has been starting to stare at Sana differently as well. Maybe different with how she stared at Mina, but not lesser. It is just that Nayeon treated them differently.

—

They just know they had to address it. Nayeon and Mina has been talking long night walks now like it has been their thing — like it has been that one thing that completes their day because they have been looking forward to it a lot.

You can see the difference with how they interact now. Before, the only thing that connects them were the shared experiences with their members, and the experiences that the only the both of them have which were the reason of them falling in love with each other — and the reason why they cannot really talk about these things because of how they tried to avoid those feelings. But now, they have more things to talk about like what they have seen one time when they were walking, or the plans that they have the next time they walk, or the destinations that they could go to, and all that. It felt easy, so gravitating back felt easy as well. Well, they have always wanted to gravitate, they just had to stop it — so when they started pulling each other again, it happened so fast.

People notice. Of course, the both of them notice as well — and it felt good to be talking again to that one person you have always thought opening yourself to. It felt good, and confusing as well because they know they shouldn't because they exerted so much effort not to be in this same scenario again. They just know they had to address it.

At this time, they both know things are different. For Nayeon, she thought how back then she was scared of admitting it to herself that she's queer, and that growing up in a traditional country, and not wanting to mess up the dynamics of their group, she just had to stop. It just had to finally end. But now she thought it's different, it has been hard to suppress her identity but she has been trying to embrace that now by immersing to the queer culture, and trying to know more about it. Maybe this time they could address it.

For Mina, she felt the same way like Nayeon. Being scared. But unlike Nayeon, Mina has always been trying to let it all out — in different ways. When things "ended" she felt helpless because she just didn't know what happened, they just stopped talking like before, she had to avoid her as well, she had to wait — because even if she knows Sana and Nayeon has been clingy more than ever, she knows the stolen stares, she knows Nayeon felt the same way before. She had to wait not because she liked Nayeon that much, it is just that the feeling never went away. Feelings are complicated. She always wanted to try — and regretted not trying — and if ever there will be an opportunity, she will not let it pass away like what she did thousands of times before. But then again, it isn't just Mina and Nayeon in the picture — there's Sana as well. It feels complicated to address it.

—

While walking, they have come across this residential area with rooftops with easy access. Not that they are trespassing, these rooftops has always been open to people, but people just doesn't know it yet. Actually that's what they make themselves believe, but the thing is they just happen to find a residential area with open-access rooftop, and they don't know how long will it be until they are caught going in that rooftop area.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Nayeon blurted out randomly.

"What?"

"Why we suddenly became 'not close'?"

"I think you know."

"What is it that you know that you think I know?"

"Nayeon."

"Right."

Beating around the bush, yes. Of course, it would be really awkward. How would you say someone that the reason why they aren't friends like before is because they liked each other and became scared? Like, who has the guts to blurt that out?

"I just think we should talk about it. It feels like there is this wall, and that we are becoming close again, and that's it. There's a wall."

"Nayeon, you're the one who stopped talking to me and treating me indifferently. I think you should answer that yourself."

"I mean, I know the answer. I just think that maybe we could talk about it openly."

"Talking about it doesn't guarantee us taking that wall off. Things have changed. Things are quite... complicated."

"Right."

Long silence covered them. They understand that waiting for 6 years to talk about their feelings has build so much words left unsaid, emotions bottled up.

"Nayeon, I don't know if this is the right time to talk about this. Or if we really have to talk about this. Six years. And you are just asking me about this? You've ignored me two years and you are just talking to me about this?"

"I never thought we would be this close again."

"Right. It's different now."

"Right."

Of course Mina still wanted answers, but that will not stop her from being bitter on what happened to them. Nayeon had all the chances but she never even talked to her about it. Mina won't let Nayeon to decide what would happen to them again. But now, they just really had to take it slow.

"In a different night," Mina said.

"I understand. If you don't feel comfortable talking about it, I understand."

It was a long night, but it was something they needed.

—

Sana stopped slipping to Nayeon's bed ever since Nayeon told her about long night walks with Mina. Well, since Nayeon just comes home late, Sana had to sleep before Nayeon arrived — even on days that Mina and Nayeon did not have walking sessions, she just don't. But also because she just doesn't feel comfortable doing it now since it feels like she's doing something wrong. She also stopped anything that might seen be clingy. She tried to rationalize against it, of course. One, they don't really have a relationship when she started slipping in her bed so it's not like they have broken up or something because there isn't something to break to begin with; two, they are just really close friends who likes each other's warmth; three, it's not like a secret to the members that they are "that" close — Mina knows it too. But even with all these reasons, she just can't. The only reason that she can think of is that because she has feelings with Nayeon. She always had. But this time, it's more hurtful because she knows Mina and Nayeon could actually happen. Because even if people say that Nayeon looks at Sana longingly, she has always witnessed how Nayeon looked at Mina. Because when Nayeon isn't looking at her, Nayeon is looking at Mina — and Sana has always been staring at Nayeon.

Sana thought to herself, for 6 years that Mina and Nayeon had feelings for each other, maybe she has to step out now because she just can't compete with that. And what she always wanted was for Nayeon to be happy.

—

All of the members of their group are at a certain venue right now preparing for their last schedule for the week. Usually, their preparations go from dawn until sometime afternoon — which they were already used to. But this time is different given that these were the weeks where everyday they were occupied either they had schedules or they have some things to prepare so they did not have the time to properly rest. Even though there were instances like this before, it still exhausts them — well, that's normal. Because of this, Mina and Nayeon weren't able to have long walks as well for about 2 weeks now since the time they tried to talk about "them." While on the other hand, Sana and Nayeon has been really tired to properly interact and sort out the sudden change in their dynamics. However, even if that's the case, Nayeon has been so aloof due to thinking of when would be a great time for them and Mina to talk again.

Since this is the last schedule, the members already know that they will be having at least a week of rest before having a schedule again. Of course, it isn't really just rest because there are still preparations they have to do like conditioning themselves personally, learning dance moves, stabilizing their voices, and all that.

At the end of the schedule, they have made their way to their vans that would bring them back to their dorm. Apparently in one van there is Mina, Nayeon, and Jihyo — the other members are in the two other vans. Well, the both of them didn't really care that much that they are in the same van because they are just too exhausted but there is some quite of tension that Jihyo senses given that she knows what has been happening — she is Mina's best friend after all.

Nayeon rested her eyes and planned to keep that closed until they arrived in their dorm, but she was taken aback when Mina leaned her head on her shoulder. Even if surprising, they stayed on that position until they came back to their dorm.

—

When Nayeon entered their room, Sana is already changing to her pyjamas and is already preparing to sleep. Fatigue and exhaustion is evident on Sana's stature so Nayeon asked how she is.

Sana did not expect this question because they aren't really talking to each other for the past few days well because both of them are busy as well, they just do preparations and leave, but also because it is easier to ignore each other so they leave as early as they can just to avoid interactions. In their schedule, there are certain conversations and non-verbal communication — but it seemed normal since they were in a group (maybe some people would catch the subtleties of their actions though — it's not hard to spot after all).

Sana just nodded and headed to her bed where she immediately closed her eyes and pretended like she's already going to sleep.

Nayeon felt that the actions of Sana were so abrupt to the point that there is really no way of denying that Sana is avoiding her.

"Can we talk?"

Sana did not answer the question and continued to pretend to sleep. But she feels that the stare of Nayeon is darting her on her back so she shortly replied:

"I'm tired, Nayeon. Not now."

Sana sobbed silently to sleep.

Nayeon distracted herself by thinking of how Mina leaned on her shoulder.

—

"This is confusing," Nayeon said to herself.

In days where they have rest, what she usually do is either make music, watch series/movies, read, or just cook — these are still the things she would probably do for the week, however, in the past 2 years, most of these were activities she do with Sana. And now, it feels as if she doesn't know what to do. Well, Nayeon must realize these from the very onset. She has changed her routine when she joined Mina in their walks — in most nights, Sana and Nayeon would watch something, or would just cuddle, but now they don't even speak to each other.

Even if Nayeon must realize these things from the very onset, the thing is she just realized these. Maybe she was so focused on Mina these past few weeks she weren't able to process what has been happening with her and Sana.

"Why aren't we talking?" blurted out by Nayeon as soon as Sana entered the room.

Sana was shocked for a while so Nayeon for a moment wanted to laugh but is trying to stop it.

"Stop surprising me like that!"

"I'm sorry," said by Nayeon with a soft tone and with a slight smile.

"You don't know why?" Sana asked.

"Mina?"

"I guess."

"Why?"

"I don't know, Nayeon. What do you think?"

"Do you like me?"

"Don't you know?" Sana sincerely and abruptly asked.

"Maybe deep inside I do. I just didn't realize what it all meant."

Sana felt puzzled by this response and on the verge of bursting out, "You didn't realize what it meant? You didn't see me every time I listened to you talked about her so subtle? All of those times whenever I would stay up for hours just to wait for you? Every time you needed help, or when I try to ease you when you get stressed? All those moonlit eyes I've given you behind was all the pain that I know you see because damn you know me too well that you already knew I liked you so much it hurts? You never realize what it meant?" all the while Sana's voice kept rising.

"Of course I saw you," Nayeon tried to reassure, "I just didn't think it was like that."

"You're not that stupid, Nayeon. You're just selfish," Sana said followed by a deafening silence because Nayeon knows there was truth with what Sana just said — and she cannot deny that.

"Do you like me?" Finally Sana asked. The question taken Nayeon aback which made her not able to answer the question.

"I figured." Finally said by Sana before she exited the room.

Sana went to the bathroom and bursted out crying. Deep inside she knows as well — that this feelings would just cause her hurt. But deep inside, even after all the stolen stares of Nayeon to Mina, even after the years she knew Nayeon loved Mina — and even on the idea that maybe Nayeon still loves Mina, deep inside she still wanted Nayeon to like her back. Maybe with all the times they spent together, the stories they shared, the warmth they have given each other — maybe, she thought, there would be a chance for them. But that hope just continually hurt her.

Nayeon just stared on the floor. Thinking what has she done. She can't even talk or move and follow Sana. She clutched to her chest for an unspeakable, deep hurt she feels at the moment. She don't even understand. For all those years, she knew she loved Mina. It was 4 years after all, and maybe in a year, she deliberately shut off people — or at least, she has put some guards up. Not that she became a or something, she just became more private, less interactive — but still maintained a certain level so that other people won't notice. But Sana did. Well she was her roommate ever since that year — of course she would notice. But it was also Sana who was able to enter in those walls. Sana could be really persistent if she want to.

But Nayeon never thought Sana in a romantic way — or at least, that's how she would put it because of certain reasons. One would be because she's still caught up with Mina — and it would be hard to really move on since they are in the same group. Second would be because it's just really hard to like someone if you are queer — it would be hard to try. Third would be because what she felt with Mina was really different with Sana — and she cannot reason out if what's she's feeling towards Sana is something romantic. Fourth would be she just didn't have the time — as a day goes by, their group reach becomes bigger and bigger so as their schedules become busier and busier. Fifth would be because she just doesn't want to get hurt again and staying in a friendly relationship lessens the chance of getting hurt. Apparently, Nayeon's a jerk. Taking Sana for granted, and ignoring her when Mina came back to the picture again.

—

Nayeon wasn't able to see Sana for the day — or should I say: for the rest of the week. Sana stayed at the house she bought for the break — even though she don't really use to do that because it's a long drive, but she thinks this is for the best. She would find it unbearable to live in the dorm and be roommates with the person she's supposed to move on from. She needed time to heal — something that she tells herself but realistically, she cannot move on within just a week — but at least not seeing her would be a great help.

Sana asked herself, when did she started liking Nayeon? Was it when Nayeon helped her with singing the adlibs from a certain comeback? Was it when she helped her with the choreo of their fast-paced dance? Was it when she bought her medicines and stayed beside her for the whole time she was sick that day after performing non-stop? She can’t figure it out herself because she knows if she can just stop that moment she will. All she knows was she just found herself staring at Nayeon more than she should — and she knows for sure friends don't look at friends that way. 

She blames herself for falling in love with someone whom she already know in love with someone else. Like what Taylor Swift sang in that song “I knew you were trouble when you walked in,” Sana knew, she just didn’t realize that the trouble will happen to her.

During her stay in her house (which she seldom go to), it felt empty. It felt lonely. Sana doesn’t hear Nayeon’s mocking laugh, or that tiny voice Nayeon used to make when she’s requesting something (like ordering her some food, or watching together a film she illegally downloaded from the internet), or just Nayeon talking about the most random thing ever. There was none. All she can hear was her own sobs that fills her whole house as soon as she opened the door, weeping in the floor — as if she hasn’t cried enough during her drive. It hurts that you are not liked back, but what hurts more is that you already knew but you still expected so much it will change. She feel stupid that she feel paralyzed to the point of not being able to arrange her things. She just wanted to have a good cry and that maybe it would make her feel good — but she knows she’s too deep into whatever this is that it would take a good time to move on.

She asked herself if it is selfish for her to wish that Nayeon would understand and feel what she is feeling too? To finally ask whoever deity there is to bring her back to the time where she’s oblivious to whatever this is. When Nayeon’s smile wasn’t the thing she was looking forward the most, when Nayeon wasn’t the one who made her feel the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows, when what hurts her the most were sad emotional movies and not whenever she feels like she isn’t enough for Nayeon who, don’t even say it but, always looks for Mina.

—

Nayeon felt empty and lonely in their dorm as well. Maybe this is when it all sinks in — when suddenly someone’s presence became absent. She heaved a sigh, trying to process what happened last night. She asked herself, “Am I a bad person?” which meant a lot of things. Was she a bad person for not knowing what Sana is to her? Was she a bad person for not wanting things to be romantic between the two of them? Was she a bad person for not trying to understand whatever feelings she have for Sana? Was she a bad person for trying to make things right with Mina? All these questions overwhelm her which stresses her out even more. The thing is when she’s stressed out, she’s used to eating out, or watching movies, or cooking— but all these are the things she does with Sana. It is like Sana has left an imprint to her everyday routine, and all that is she isn’t a part of is that strolling routine she have with Mina. And since Sana isn’t around (technically, because of her), she decided to stroll by herself hoping that maybe this would clear her mind off of things.

As she was strolling, she remembered some memories tied to certain areas. There was this playground Mina and her used to go to during their debut when people don’t usually identify them yet. They just playfully push each other in the swing, or just talk about their worries about what might could go wrong. There was this bench where she was crying alone because of the hate comments she read during their second year, and that Mina just magically popped out of nowhere to comfort her. Then there was ice cream shop that Mina and her used to sneak off to just to take a bite of their guilty pleasure (which they stayed for hours looking like the sun cannot lay its shine to them due to their sunglasses, hoodies, and thick padded jackets for disguise. They thought that was effective but they just looked more suspicious, but the owners just let them off because the two were always giggling around themselves). And then every place that Nayeon goes to feels like Mina was there as well — as if she just saw it again after years of trying to ignore it.

Nayeon felt like she has to go to these places that keeps popping on her head when she realized all these moments. She went back to their dorm and took the keys to her scooter — she’s planning to visit that flower garden.