The flower garden is where it all started.

Nayeon went to the flower garden. Specifically, the flower garden they went to when they were filming their reality show back in their debut. The reality show was special to her because, well, it was their first ever reality show — and maybe, nothing beats first — and because this is where she was first awestruck by Mina.

During the reality show, they were grouped into three: Nayeon was with Mina and Jihyo, and that games were incorporated wherein they have to win over the other two groups. Being Nayeon and Jihyo — they were already competitive, and there was Mina — the brain. They have to take pictures of each other and has to win the best picture out of all groups while doing some ridiculous missions which is fun to remember by now because they were all young and looked so dumb accomplishing such.

The flower garden was huge, like there was a zoo, a maze, some miniature rides, and all that stuff. All has good memories attached to them. But there was this tulip garden where Mina and Nayeon was left by Jihyo because she was busy running around and doing all the competitive stuff. Nayeon and Mina was just so tired by then and just decided to take some photos that they could add to the portfolio for the pictures they should choose for the mission.

Even though they all appeared goofy in the screen, they all still feel shy towards one another. Maybe because they just debuted, and they still haven’t yet found their dynamics. Thankfully at this day they are all comfortable around each other (of course, except Nayeon and Mina with those 2 years of not really interacting so much).

Back in the tulip garden, Nayeon has to take pictures of Mina. So they were looking for the perfect spot and Mina was leading the way. But as they walked around, Nayeon stared at the back of Mina thinking why she never noticed how graceful the woman in front of her was. How the woman pointed into certain spots, murmured something to herself, then just laughed like it was a joke that no one could ever get — only her. On how the woman in front of her just posed randomly, then laughed again like she was doing something absurd, but even though that’s the case, she genuinely looked she enjoyed herself. And Nayeon enjoyed observing the woman as well.

Nayeon thought to herself that everything was so candid that she hoped Mina could see right through her that moment and mesmerize how everything could be so picture-perfect. It was like recording a moment through her eyes that she can only replay on her mind — and she felt so lucky to be that person witnessing it that time.

And when Mina picked a spot, she crouched down to smell the flowers. Nayeon stared for a bit (like a whole minute) and was startled when Mina caught her staring. The startled woman felt so lucky that day that Mina didn’t call her out for being such a creep but instead found it funny that she was laughing like there was no tomorrow while still crouching. Nayeon on the other hand felt the world stopped and wondered if her eyes should only take the most beautiful picture then that was the perfect moment to do so. Then she heard Jihyo from afar.

“Yah! Have you gotten Mina’s picture?”

And as if that’s Nayeon’s cue, she took the picture while the other woman's still on her own world laughing with her heart out in the middle of tulips that looked like bloomed more because of her. Nayeon took the polaroid out of the camera, stealthily hid it to her jacket’s pocket, and yelled to Jihyo, “Not yet!” From there, Mina then steadied, focused on Nayeon’s camera, and posed. click

Tzuyu’s team (along with Chaeyoung and Dahyun) got the best picture award. But Nayeon thought to herself that she got the best picture right there in her pocket — and even if putting it in the portfolio would merit them winning the award, she would not still put it. She recognized how that picture held so much meaning to her, and those kinds of items are for keepsake. For once, as she thought through as what just happened back there in the tulip garden, she felt confused. But she also felt a strange feeling of being happy and safe.

Nayeon didn’t stop thinking about Mina ever since.

—

When Nayeon arrived at the flower garden, she noticed it changed. The grass wasn’t as greener, the tulips weren’t as bloomed, the number of tourists wasn’t as many. Well, from her memory, the last time she was in the flower garden was two years ago when they went there as a group for a quick photoshoot (in comparison to their trip back in their debut which was longer). But even so, the memories of Mina walking in front of her, murmuring something, and laughing by herself was still vivid, so is the moment of when she took the first picture she had of Mina.

She walked through that very spot, and stared to it intently. Does she feel sad? Does she feel hopeful? She doesn’t know. Like from the very first time, she felt confused — but a different kind of confused. And she isn’t sure about the reason. From the very first day on this same place, she first understood what people really meant about liking someone. And from then on she was scared every single day that someone would know and it would destroy them both.

When you are young you feel like you know everything in the world, but also when you are young, you feel a lot of doubts and uncertainties. When you are young you haven’t yet carried the burden of the world to understand that sometimes all that it takes is guts and not thinking about the consequences. Maybe the movies would tell you “Hey, just go get it,” but they never tell you what a queer person should do. Because everyone is against it from the very onset. Even though they just go and get it, they would think: how about my family, how about the people around me, how about the person I like? How would they hold up? Would they still like me after trying to stake everything, and would just find out how hard it is to be with me? How about that? All these, all these were doubts she had, and the risks she couldn’t take that time.

Does she feel relatively confident? Yes. But does she still feel scared? Also yes. But she has carried so much of pining, longing, and seeking just for her to back down. Cause it takes her to be the emotional punching bag of this world to just build that courage — and that courage meant: just at least clarifying to Mina what happened to them, and why it had to go that way. And even if she feels she’s two years late, there’s no more better time to do so but now.

But it doesn’t change the fact that she suddenly ignored Mina for so long, or that she’s hurting Sana now. And all she is trying to make sense is what the heck happened, why it has to be so complicated, and that, maybe, even if she wants to be happy, she doesn’t deserve it.

Nayeon left the flower garden disheartened.

—

Nayeon didn’t saw her, but Mina was there — on the bench overlooking the tulips. Apparently, Mina has been coming back to the garden for the past few weeks. Mina wondered why Nayeon was there. Because if the flower garden makes Nayeon remember where she started liking Mina, Mina remembers where Nayeon started ignoring her.

It was two years back, when their group has to go to this flower garden for a group photoshoot.

During those times, Nayeon and her has been going back to the flower garden for a few times and it felt like a tradition. Nayeon reasoned out that the reason why they kept on coming back was that the tulips looked good — Mina never questioned this because regardless of where they go it’s fine as long as it is with the older woman.

They don’t really do as much but stare at the tulips, talk about how their day went, then go. It felt simple, but it was their thing.

Mina knew exactly when she first started liking Nayeon. It was that night during their debut period where she was starving because when she arrived at their dorm, instead of eating dinner, she passed out. So when she woke up at around 3am, she just knew she had to cook (late night) dinner. But she didn’t know how to cook a real food (she even felt that time that it was her worst suit) so she took the sausages in the fridge, chopped it up and combined it with eggs, then while frying it, she tossed the leftover rice, and add some random seasonings and condiments to it. When she tasted it, it tasted so bad, but since she was hungry, she just put some in the plate and worked herself to the table. As she was eating it so slowly (because of the taste), someone came out from one of the bedroom and went their way to the toilet — it was Nayeon (Mina thought that she was probably awakened by the bad spirit that her cooking had, but really, Nayeon just suddenly woke up in the middle of the night to pee).

When Nayeon got out of the toilet, “It’s 3am. What are you doing?”

“I felt so hungry that I cooked the best dish in the world,” said Mina in a mocking voice. “Do you want some?” as she followed up.

“Oh yes please,” Nayeon enthusiastically said.

Mina put the food on her plate and gave some utensils. Nayeon then took a spoonful and put it in . The cook was looking intently and was on the verge of laughing as Nayeon chewed on her food, “How was it?” Mina asked wanting to laugh already.

Nayeon made a very animated look, like she’s trying to gulp everything, like wanting to gag, or whatever face she was doing it succeeded to communicate that it wasn’t the best dish in the world. But then Nayeon gulped everything, turned to Mina and smiled strangely, “Wow it really is the best dish in the world.”

Mina then laughed so hard she knows Nayeon was lying, and Nayeon just followed through. They laughed through the night, and Nayeon stayed with Mina finishing up every single bite from that dish — because: 1) they didn’t like anyone tasting that dish ever as it felt like the dish was a spawn of evil; 2) because Mina liked the company of Nayeon; and 3) that she never thought someone would stay with her through that late night eating the worst dish she created — and she knew that this person is her person. And she thought that night that maybe the worst of her isn’t that so bad, because someone stayed.

And for all the moments she had with Nayeon, and for all the moments she stayed, she thought that maybe after four years, she can confess (well, she always thought of confessing, it is just that, it was never easy to do). It was in that flower garden two years ago where she planned to. The plan was simple in her head: she would take Nayeon to tulip garden, just the two of them, then confess.

But it wasn’t that simple. During the photoshoot, all of them were busy because all of them had to take their shots simultaneously, or that some has to change wardrobe every single time. So Mina thought that maybe later that day she could execute her plan. However, the photoshoot was a disaster. Everyone was rushing, everyone was feeling overwhelmed because it has to be a quick photoshoot, and some of the other members had a schedule after. Luckily, Nayeon and her didn’t have some.

After the photoshoot, Mina thought to herself that that was the moment of truth. So while the staffs were wrapping up, she approached Nayeon looking over the garden.

“Hey,” Mina said.

Nayeon just responded with a slight smile.

“How are you? Are you tired?” Mina asked putting her hands on Nayeon’s shoulder. But Nayeon didn’t answer and just continued staring somewhere far.

“Can we talk? I really want to tell you something,” Mina started with a little hint of enthusiasm in her voice, “But I really want to say it in the tulip garden,” she continued, hoping that this would be the day that her person will really be hers.

“Sorry Mina. I’m really tired. Not now,” Nayeon replied coldly, and then walked off towards the staff van.

Mina then was left standing where she was, as she just stared at Nayeon’s back as it walked away from her. It was like a flicker of hope inside of her dimmed a bit. It was just that she was really looking forward for this day. But despite that, she just thought that well, yeah, it was really tiring today. She just assured herself that maybe next time.

However, every time she asked Nayeon if they can talk, Nayeon would just say “Maybe, next time,” and would just walk away. And it happened again and again until Mina cannot remember anymore when she stopped asking.

And that suddenly, Nayeon don’t join her when she eats anymore, or that they don’t go to the flower garden anymore, no more trips to the ice cream parlor, no more goofy comebacks about her cooking, or talking about their day. It just stopped.

And that she just found herself questioning herself if Nayeon was really her person if she just cut her off that easy.

From the day they started becoming friends again due to that late night strolling, she repeatedly asks herself at night if she really wants Nayeon to go back to her life, or was it just that it was all regret that she never got to confess and that she just wanted to know what happen.

Because even if the grass isn’t as greener, or the tulips aren’t as bloomed as it were, the memory of Nayeon turning her down over and over again is still too real for her. Because even if the feeling of loving Nayeon never went away, the feeling of hurt never went away too. And coming back to this flower garden makes her remember that even if she still loves Nayeon, she should not forget how those two years felt like a living hell, that all she did was question herself because she did not know why it went all down the drain, and why she wasn’t enough to be her person as well.

Because if she was, it would never be like this.

The flower garden is where it all started.