During The Mess - SeulRene Oneshot

 

“Pag kasi pagod na… bumitaw ka na.”

 

Those words ring inside Irene’s head for the nth time, over and over again, and every time that sentence repeats in her head she couldn’t help but feel as if her heart is breaking over and over again, because that was right.

 

Because little by little she realized that is what she should do, because by still holding on, hindi niya mapigilan ang masaktan ng paulit-ulit, especially when deep inside her, she knows that the love is already gone. Wala na. tapos na.

 

Tapos na tapos na, ubos na ubos na ang pagmamahal na mayroon siya.

 

Ubos na rin siya, at aminado siya doon, because why does it hurt so much?

 

Why does she hurt so much every single day?

 

Loving Seulgi Azrael Ford was both good and bad; both the best and the worst, both so happy and sad at the same time if that was possible; and Irene knows far inside her heart that she loves her so much, na mahal na mahal niya yung tao, kaya pinapangunahan siya ng takot. Pinapangunahan siya lagi ng takot na tapusin ang lahat dahil mahal na mahal niya ito; so even if she knows that she has to choose herself, parang ang hirap.

 

“Hot chocolate?” she hears her best friend Wendy say, the woman smiling at her slightly habang binigay sa kanya ang isang cup ng hot chocolate na naging paborito na din niya over the years. Her fingers skim over the warm porcelain cup, the temperature hurting her slightly as her fingers stay close upon the cup, and it isn’t too long before she pulls her fingers away suddenly, almost being burned by the intense and hot temperature upon the drink.

 

“Listen… you’re a writer, and you’ve read so many fictional stories as well, and they all point to one thing, hindi ba? That you should love yourself.” Wendy says, and Irene only sighs as she stares at the cup, stirring the hot chocolate drink around absentmindedly habang unti-unting nagsisink in yung sinasabi ng bestfriend niya sa kanya ng dahan-dahan, for even her… even she doesn’t know what to do at the moment.

 

“That you should choose yourself over anything else, dahil paano ka magmamahal kung sirang sira ka na? Paano ka magmamahal kung wala nang natitira sa’yo, Irene?” tanong ni Wendy sa kanya, pero hindi pa rin siya makasagot dahil hinahayaan niya lamang na magsalita ang bestfriend niyang alam niya na maraming gustong sabihin, na marami siyang gustong sabihin sa’yo at sa pagkamartyr mo ng matagal na panahon.

 

“I see how the smile you had before kapag kasama mo kami ni Joy slowly disappeared, how that bubbly side of yours is slowly getting pushed back. Hindi na healthy yang ginagawa mo, Rene… you’re destroying yourself and putting yourself back together in a form that your girlfriend would like to see, when that shouldn’t be the case.” She says, those words stinging you like it was a hot piece of metal being stuck upon your skin, like you were that firefly who got too close to the flames.

 

“I saw you destroy yourself, Irene. And hearing how she threw you away like you were nothing… how she doesn’t even have any ounce or any bit of respect for you or this relationship you have anymore… naiiyak akong makita kang ganyan.” She says, and for once in a very long time Irene cries, letting her tears fall upon her cheeks, tears that she had held back for a very long time, at unti-unting lumabas ang mga emosyon na itinago niya ng matagal na panahon, emotions that she had almost forgotten how to feel, now rushing into her all at once that it was too overwhelming for her to even speak or utter a word.

 

“So ang akin lang naman… for your own sake, stop destroying yourself for her. Stop this… this nonsense that you think would still survive with you being the only one who’s fighting. Kasi whether you like it or not… hindi naman lumalaban si Seulgi para sa’yo eh.” Wendy says, picking up tissue papers to help wipe Irene’s tears from her face, trying to calm her down.

 

“Wendy… hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko, sa totoo lang… Alam kong… alam kong pagod na pagod na ako, pero—”

 

“Then why are you still so stubborn holding onto something that you can’t clearly save alone?” Wendy asks, concern and anger present upon her face after she heard what Irene had just said, pero napansin naman ni Irene na nawala agad ang galit sa mukha ng babaeng kaharap niya ngayon.

 

“Kasi mahal ko, Wends… and I know that if I hold out for a little while longer, if I hold out more… alam kong magiging masaya din kami pareho—”

 

“Paano ka magiging masaya kung ubos na ubos ka na, Irene? Paano mo mararanasan na maging masaya if you don’t have anything left to give anymore?” Wendy utters, each tone laced with concern and persuasion all aimed at the woman whose mind is frazzled and teteering between confusion and uncertainty at the moment, but she understood those words just fine.

 

“If Seulgi could survive throwing you around and not giving respect to you anymore, then maybe she could survive without you in her life, Irene. Go have the freedom you deserve, please.” Wendy says, standing up as she is about to leave you inside her living room before uttering last words, something you know you had sought after for a very long time.

 

“Maging masaya ka naman para sa sarili mo. Huwag mo nang intindihin yung kasiyahan ng iba; maging selfish ka naman para sa sarili mo, kahit isang beses lang.”

 

*

 

It was ugly.

 

That’s what Irene has in mind at the moment while Seulgi’s currently on her knees, holding her hand tight, begging her to stay, begging her na huwag na sanang umalis, and to be honest you didn’t expect her to be like this; a complete 180 of what she was before, dahil lagi ka niyang ineetsapuwera at lagi siyang nagdadahilan na busy siya, na wala siyang time sa’yo, and there are a lot that is left to uncover—so much that you finally decide to heed Wendy’s words and finally leave her, once and for all.

 

It isn’t easy to leave her in favor of choosing yourself dahil may doubts pa rin sa likod ng isipan mo na baka mali talaga itong ginagawa mo, na baka masyado ka naman naging selfish, na baka may chance pa talaga, na baka pwede namang lumaban ka pa uli kahit isang beses pa—

 

But a voice is telling you a certain and unchanging no.

 

No because you know in yourself that you don’t have any chances left to give anymore, and no because you know in yourself na pagod na pagod ka na sa lahat. Sobra.

 

No, because you feel in yourself that if you give her, your Seulgi another chance, feeling mo tuluyan mo nang sisirain ang sarili mo, and you can’t afford to do that to yourself.

 

Not when you promised years ago na mamahalin mo naman ang sarili mo.

 

Not when Seulgi herself made you promise na unahin mo din ang sarili mo, long ago… before things got muddled, before things got worse, before you realized na ikaw na lang yung lumalaban, before you realized that sooner or later everything would cave in and you would be buried under this whole ing mess, because you’ve built your love and your walls under the pretense that Seulgi was actually also fighting back for you.

 

That Seulgi was fighting alongside you—pero soon you were realizing that she was never damn close.

 

And so you will, you’ll choose yourself this time, dahil yun ang dapat gawin.

 

“Seulgi, please, tumayo ka diyan.” Irene says, but Seulgi does not budge, not even for an inch habang pinipilit mo siyang tumayo, habang pinipilit mo siyang tumigil na magmakaawa sa harapan mo, not because marupok ka at bibigay ka rin sa pagmamakaawa niya pero dahil gusto mong may matira pa siyang hiya at respeto para sa sarili niya, because no one deserves to be that way.

 

And you don’t want that for her, dahil nga deep inside all the pain and all the suffering that you had attained by loving her na kahit wala ka nang natatanggap na kapalit ay mahal mo pa rin siya; kahit katiting na pagmamahal na lang na iyon ang natira dahil naubos na ng sakit na nararamdaman mo.

 

“Please, Irene… please, wag ka namang umalis… wag mo naman akong sukuan, I promise that I’ll change—”

 

“Akala ko ba no promises, Seulgi? And… you’ve said that so many times.” Irene says, gritting her teeth as she knows the inevitable truth.

 

Due to the pain, the sufferings, the things that she had ignored so much, Irene… she had just fallen out of love.

 

“Please, Irene… hindi ko kakayanin—”

 

“Don’t say those things. Kinaya mo na wala ako at times, so I think you’ll do just fine. Pero tandaan mo, hindi ibig sabihin na iiwan kita ngayon ay hindi na kita mahal.” Irene says, sighing as she moves closer to the woman, hugging her tight, possibly for the last time.

 

“I chose to love myself this time, Seulgi. You were my drug, my poison… no matter how happy or intoxicated I felt loving you, hindi ko magawang hindi na pansinin yung sakit na parang laging kasama sa pagmamahal sa’yo.” Irene says, sighing as she gently pushed the woman away who is still on the ground pero naupo na lamang at hindi na nakaluhod, not even lifting her face up to stare or look at you for possibly one last time.

 

“So please… please understand that I’m doing this for the both of us… kasi parang mas magiging masaya tayo kapag hindi na tayo magkasama.” You say, and this is the moment that she looks up, staring straight at your eyes, at hindi ka makaiwas sa titig niyang parang kitang kita ang tinatago mo sa kasulok-sulokan ng kaluluwa mo, and you force yourself to look away.

 

“Wala ka man lang bang sasabihin, Seul?” Irene asks, and seeing Seulgi sigh like it was nothing hurts you a little bit more, hurting you too much that your heart breaks again, over and over again, dahil ngayon… ngayon bakit parang wala lang sa kanya ang lahat?

 

“Just… just go. You said so yourself, you deserve it.” Maikling sagot niya, and Irene purses her lips as she nods at that and tries to touch the woman’s shoulder but the woman only swatted it away, making her widens her eyes at what the woman she had loved so much just did; it hurt more than the things that she had experienced over the years, and with just a single act ay parang nasira na ang buong pagkatao niya.

 

And so she slowly walks away, away from the woman that she loves the most, away from the woman who she thought loved her as well, pero minahal ka nga ba niya talaga?

 

“Tell me, Seulgi. Minahal mo ba talaga ako?” Irene asks, her curiousness getting the better of her as she looks back one last time and gives that question upon the woman who is standing before her, staring back at her as she heard the question, as she heard those words, at hindi makita ni Irene kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ni Seulgi at the moment; her eyes were too emotionless that it was hurting her over and over again.

 

“Hindi… hindi ko alam.” She says, and you finally decide that enough is enough.

 

“Thank you for those seven years, mahal.” Nakangiti mong sabi, and you finally turn and walk away as the tears fall from your eyes; your façade had already broken through, breaking into these little pieces that you don’t even dare to pick up, at pinabayaan mo nalang ang sarili mong umiyak habang naglakad ka na paalis—knowing that there’s no turning back, knowing that once you get out of that ing door, hindi ka na pwedeng bumalik.

 

Hindi mo na siya pwedeng balikan. Hindi ka na pwedeng bumalik kay Seulgi, your Seulgi, the woman that you had loved the most in the whole world, loving her too much that you looked through all of the pain that you were stepping in, loving her so much that you were practically drowning yourself in the pain, at pitong taon kang nagtiis… kakayanin mo ba itong pagbabago sa buhay mo, Irene?

 

But enough is enough; you know in yourself that you have to leave.

 

And so you did.

 

And you never ing turned back.

 

*

 

“Seven years… what a big step to take.” The therapist says, and Irene could only nod as she smiles faintly, smiling for the first time in months, heck even going out for the first time in the months ensuing the terrible break up she had initiated upon herself and the woman na hindi na niya alam kung saan na napunta, being holed up too much in Wendy and Joy’s shared flat that you’ve practically become a permanent third wheel to almost all of their dates dahil ayaw ka nilang maiwan na mag-isa.

 

“And do you have a lot of realizations, Irene?” tanong nung therapist na inirekomenda talaga sa’yo ni Wendy, bugging you to go there for the past few months, and for the first time in months you listened to her. You nod only as you lean back upon the couch, relaxing in front of this woman who has a kind smile upon you, and you feel like you’ve been cracked out in the open—in a good way, of course, because you know that you need this.

 

“I realized… in the long run, na hindi na sapat yung pagmamahal lang. Hindi sapat yung puro pagmamahal lang and that only one person gives too much while the other person only takes without giving back… pareho kayong mauubos.” Irene says, and she smiles even more as the thought of love doesn’t make her cry this time, doesn’t make her uncomfortable, and she feels as if she had really done such a progress to herself.

 

“In all the people I had handled… they find that self love is the hardest part to do. Madaling magmahal ng iba, pero mahirap mahalin ang sarili lalo na kung sarili mo din ang kalaban mo.” She says, and you sigh as you clasp your fingers together, for she’s right; that’s the concept that you had struggled the most.

 

“I loved until it hurt like hell… and the worst part of it all is that I didn’t even know that it was already hurting so much until it was already over; until I only discovered in myself that I was already far too gone.” Irene said, and the therapist smiles faintly at that, leaning forward as she stared at Irene’s eyes, finding a different array of emotions upon those orbs.

 

“All I know is that I chose myself this time… and I feel like I am one more step closer to true happiness.”

 

author's note: prequel coming soon; check Before We Fell for details.