i could even feel him breathing down my neck as goose bumps appeared everywhere throughout the skin of my body. the light reflected on the blade blinded me as it is held against the very skin of my neck. wake up, Hyun Xin, wake up. i felt every inch of the pain as it cuts open my throat in the slowest motion. the stream of blood flowed down my neck, my chest like the rapid currents. the man—i assume he’s a man from his large hands—placed his hand on my collar bone and ran it along my neck up to my face, smothering my entire face with a good sum of thick red blood. wake up, Hyun Xin, wake up.

 

and all i could see was red.

 

“Hyun Xin, wake up!” my eyes force open as i feel sweat running down my entire body. and in another brief moment i am already choking for air, feeling as though breathing in oxygen is a strange and new sensation to my entire system. Dae Sung is grabbing my shoulders, still calling out for my name frantically. “D-Dae Sung…?” 

 

“are you okay, Hyun Xin?” he loosens his grip around me as soon as he hears me speak. “what are you doing here…?” i feel like i’m still trapped between worlds of reality and dreams—specifically nightmares, actually. i try not to scare myself as i adjust my vision to the blinding sunlight that resembles so much to the glint of the blade from the nightmare i just went through.

 

“i came to visit you…” i can see that it’s already past noon as the sunlight is pouring in gladly. the expression on Dae Sung’s every inch of his face is now obvious to me—he’s hardly even trying to hide his sadness from me. “you didn’t come to school today, so i figured… what happened?” i can vaguely sense his want to touch the cut on my face that’s healed well but left an obvious mark, not a scar though, just dried blood and healing skin. his brows are knitted together as i place my hand on my temples to get rid of the hangover-like headache. wait, i don’t even know how a hangover feels like.

 

“i’m fine, Dae. it’s just a cut, i’m okay,” i say as i let a weak smile appear on my face. i notice that he hasn’t even smiled at me since i woke up. i feel bad. bad from the headache, and bad from being the reason why Dae Sung loses his smile day after day. i look away in guilt, but he holds my bandaged hand gently and it like Young Bae did in the hospital. he reminds me of him. my head throbs at the same pace with my heart. i press my hand even harder onto my forehead and bite my lip while i close my eyes, hoping that this will do at least some good to relieving my headache.

 

nope. no effect. my best friend hugs me as we both lie down naturally in my bed. yes, after Young Bae left me during my childhood times, Dae Sung was the one who walked into my life, who replaced Young Bae as they’re so similar—always smiling, cheerful and protective of me. Young Bae was of course, a lot less mischievous compared to Dae Sung. even Ji Yong knew how important Dae Sung has become to me after these years, or else he wouldn’t have allowed Dae to lullaby me to sleep with his very own heartbeat; if it was another boy, he would’ve been long dead thanks to Ji Yong.

 

right now, he’s doing the same whenever i have nightmares. i quietly listen to his steady heartbeat, occasionally speeding up and slowing down to unknown reasons. he keeps me close to his chest as we speak of nothing but silence. all of my muscles relax and although the headache is still there, it seems to have relieved a bit. still my injured hand gently, everything but his scent reminds me of Young Bae. i wonder if this is how Young Bae’s heartbeat sounds like too; i wonder if everyone’s heartbeats sound the same. i shut my eyes tight and press my head into Dae Sung’s firm and warm chest as he wraps his arm around my head. i begin to lose control of my emotions abruptly, and tears are already streaming down my cheeks before i know it.

 

“i’m sorry, Dae Sung…” my lips uncontrollably whisper the words, but heck, those are the words i’ve been dying to say to him. i am sorry. i do feel guilty. it feels like he’s been waiting for me for ages but i just push him away for someone who wasn’t there for me for all those years. of course it hurts. i suppose it feels like experiencing the death of someone you loved, because the worst part is: you’re alive.

 

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry…” i continue mumbling the words as the headache turns into a bundle of dizziness, a wave of blinking lights, a horrible hangover, when all i had last night was water and take-out. i feel a light kiss on my head amidst the madness within me. my soul is soothed again as i hear him speak.

 

“it’s okay… i love you, Hyun Xin…” his words are nearly inaudible and extremely slow, but i manage to make out the words. “if you love him, if you love him… then go ahead, Hyun Xin. i’ll be okay, i swear…” those very words comfort me and pierce me simultaneously. “i’m happy, if you’re happy, Hyun Xin…” the whispers grow softer and softer, and my headache hinders from me word after word. i am able to pick up the last words right before i drift back into sleep.

 

“i’ll be smiling, when i see you smile.”

 

//

 

the steady beating of a heartbeat never left my ears. i wake up again to realize that it’s already nightfall, and Dae Sung has fallen asleep next to me, his chest near to my face. i take a whiff, but realize sadly that it isn’t Young Bae who’s by my side now. i quietly sit up, and just as i’m about to lift my right hand--my injured hand to stretch my neck, i realize there’s something tugging onto it. i look to my right and to my surprise, Young Bae is in a simple white tee and jeans, sitting on the floor, laying his shoulders, head and left arm on my bed, his hand tugging loosely onto mine. when did he arrive? the silence soothes the entire environment; as if time is frozen and i am forced to choose between them.

 

i look to Dae Sung. how much he’s been through with me, i thought. he has always been there for me whenever i was sad, frustrated, entirely ugly and out of control. he was always there. we would always cheer each other up, we would do silly things together, we would laugh and cry together. what would’ve my life become if he didn’t arrive after Young Bae left? who else would it be to lullaby me with his one and only heart?

 

and then there’s Young Bae. he left, broke my soul, and came back to heal it. and i’ve fallen so hard for him, that i cannot even stop caring for him. he is, suddenly, all of my world and all that’s left of my world. i long to be by his side, i want to hold his hand, and i can even imagine us walking down the aisle in a beautiful church, getting married and having babies that will inherit his smiling eyes and my height. i giggle softly to the thought. he’s certainly gained his place in my heart; he’s someone i don’t want to live without.

 

i break the link from his hand, leaning towards Dae Sung to kiss him softly on his forehead, through his thick, brown hair. i climb out of the bed like a cat, swiftly but without a sound, and walk towards Young Bae then squat down so i can do the same to him. one light kiss. i reach for the clock sitting on the side table behind him; 7.00 pm. dinner. i decide to wake Young Bae up first.

 

“hey, wake up, it’s time for dinner,” i whisper by his ear. his other hand instinctively reaches for his ear to scratch it as he opens his eyes. i smile at his smile, so never-endingly beautiful and enlightening. “i gotta wake Dae Sung too, wait.” i jump on the bed playfully, obviously trying to wake Dae Sung up. i lie next to him, with my face just inches away from his as i ask him to wake up in a (very, very rare) cute manner. “Dae Sung-oppa! wake uppppp!” i pout, waiting for him to wake up and wondering when was the last time i did this to him. he squint his tiny little eyes, smiles to my presence and ruffles his hair while asking, “feeling better?” i nod. “it’s dinner time, and Young Bae’s here too!” Dae Sung’s expression turn quickly from being dazed, confused, then wary. he peers behind my back. i guess Young Bae stood up tall enough to let him see himself.

 

“i remember what you told me this morning, Dae.” his eyes widened a little. “that you’ll be smiling, when you see me smile, right?” he nods, as if guilty of saying something he wasn’t supposed to. i sit up, and he follows. “all i want now is to see my best friend smile, okay?” i throw him a cheeky grin. he can’t help but to laugh. “that’s the way,” i say, with a smile still hanging on my face. “okay! dinner time! i hope Ji Yong gave up on cooking.” i joke as i push Young Bae to walk in front of me and tug on Dae Sung’s sleeve so he’ll follow behind me. the three of us walk into the dining room/dry kitchen. three large pizzas in familiar delivery boxes are laid out on the rectangular glass table. Ji Yong is sitting on the far end of the table with a coke in his hand.

 

“well, isn’t this a rare sight,” he says sarcastically with a smirk.

 

---

 

slightly longer chap this time! okay, i won't be updating as quickly now ): it's hard to squeeze brain juice out of me when school's about to start. i'll be pretty busy, so we'll see if this actually continues ): SORRY READERS! 

 

thanks for reading too, do leave a comment! (: i love reading through comments, so don't be shy! feedback, people! :D