I remember it, all too well. (All Too Well – Taylor Swift)

For ’s sake, I’m already yours. (Urs – Niki)

You don’t think that heaven’s real, so I’ll love you ‘till it hurts like hell. (Spell – Niki)

 

Seulgi’s point of view

Once again you run, run as fast as you can with your legs, threatening to give out any moment as the flashing lights make you panic even further, and even if your head hurts like someone is hammering inside, even if you feel a hot liquid running down upon your forehead, you run like crazy.

 

Even if you had just been hit by a car as you rode your motorcycle to her, hindi ka titigil hangga’t hindi ka nakakarating sa kanya.

 

Even if you feel dizzier at the moment, you can’t stop now, hindi ka pwedeng tumigil at hindi mo siya pwedeng iwan dahil natatakot ka na baka pagdating mo doon ay wala na siya, so you don’t stop running, even if you can’t see straight.

 

Mas importante siya ngayon kaysa sa sarili mo, and you had already set your priorities straight from the beginning—even if you aren’t her first priority.

 

Wiping the blood from your forehead, you finally reach her apartment, and you grit your teeth as you fumble upon reaching the keys on your pocket, at bubuksan mo pa lamang ang pinto ay narinig mo na ang nagmamadali niyang mga yabag, the woman you’ve ran from an accident for opening the door, emotionless eyes turning worried as she sees the blood upon your head.

 

“What the ?” nag-aalala niyang sigaw sa’yo, cupping your face with her slender hands as you smile at her, feeling too lightheaded as she pulls you inside her apartment, not even caring if someone else is inside (alam mong may tao sa loob dahil narinig mo ang pagtawag nito sa babaeng pinakamamahal mo, but she ignored his calls to treat your wound), and she pulls you straight into the comfort room, making you sit down upon the toilet while she grabs the first aid kit.

 

“Nabangga ka ba? Nabunggo ka? Bakit hindi ka nag-iingat?” sunod-sunod na tanong niya, but you couldn’t answer as you’re busy staring at her face, the most beautiful of all, that you don’t care about answering her questions, not deeming it important—dahil mas importante sa isipan mo ngayon na titigan ang mukha niya, possibly for the last time, dahil nararamdaman mo nang huli ka na sa lahat.

 

You can feel her hands shaking as you also feel some more hot liquid (blood?) flowing down upon your forehead, and her grip upon your chin is the only thing that is keeping you awake as of the moment, your gaze hyperfixated upon her features, memorizing it as much as possible, dahil hindi mo na alam kung kailan mo siya makikita uli after this, especially when you feel that unfamiliar presence outside her bathroom door, probably waiting for her to finish talking to you.

 

“Bakit ka nandito?” tanong niya ulit, calmer than earlier, and she raises your chin for you to look straight at her eyes while her other hand’s fingers keep busy dabbing upon your forehead, trying to still the blood and calm your system down.

 

“Because he said you were leaving… and I stole this chance to see you.” Sagot mo, gritting your teeth as the effects of the alcohol and antiseptic hits you too late, making you groan as she dabs further upon the wound, also cleaning your forehead, and you feel yourself slipping in further to temptation—to kissing her lips, to falling asleep in her arms, or worse, to storming out from this tiny cubicle you’re in and punching that guy in the face, multiple times.

 

Her soft gaze upon you is the only thing stopping you from doing anything from the three choices you’ve blessed yourself with in this fragile state, as well as her finger upon your chin still keeping your head up high, keeping your gaze directly upon hers na sobrang focused sa ginagawa niya ngayon, and once again you fall deeper than before, if that’s even possible, if that isn’t wrong.

 

All of this is wrong, you know that.

 

She’s wrong for you, so why do you keep wanting to push further?

 

May boyfriend na yung tao, you hear Wendy say to you over and over again, so bakit pinipilit mo pa rin siya?

 

Bakit ayaw mong tumigil, Seulgi?

 

You’re a masochist, that’s what you are.

 

Even if it hurts so much, sige ka pa rin.

 

Kahit na sobrang tagong tago ka sa lahat, kahit na ang alam ng iba may boyfriend siya, sige ka pa rin kasi matagal mo nang kinumbinsi ang sarili mo na at least minamahal mo siya, kahit na ganito ang setup niyo.

 

Kahit na ikaw ang pinakatalo, okay lang sa’yo… kasi at least, kahit konti, kahit ilang sandali lang…

 

Minamahal ka niya. Hindi ba?

 

So why is her eyes emotionless before seeing your bloody state?

 

Would she even open the door for you and let you in if you’re not in this bloody state right now, Seulgi?

 

“He’s right… aalis na ako, Seulgi.” She says, your name still ringing with that familiar and soft tone coming from her lips, pero mas masakit pa ata ito kesa sa pagkakabunggo mo kanina gamit ang motor ni Lisa, dahil kung hindi ka chismosa at hindi mo naoverhear ang pag-uusap ng boyfriend nito at ng mga kabarkada niya ay hindi mo malalaman na aalis pala siya.

 

She’s leaving, and as cliché as it sounds… she’s taking your heart with her, the whole heart you had already given to her unconditionally since this setup of yours started, at alam mong hinding hindi niya iyon ibabalik; she played you like that.

 

She’s been playing you from the start, Kang Seulgi, bakit ngayon mo lang narealize? Did that crash finally clear your senses—

 

“Seulgi, raise your head up.” Utos niya at sinunod mo na lamang ito, and you feel her rushed and panicking fingers holding your nose and pinching it as blood flows from it, and she makes you hold up a piece of the gauze she has in stock to stop the bleeding, and her eyes turn even more worried when she feels your hand shaking uncontrollably.

 

“Dalhin na kita sa ospital, Seulgi, come.” Irene says, and you obey her like a little puppy, moving closer and following her as she opens the door, pushing her boyfriend away who’s leaning upon the frame and waiting for her to open the door, but what surprised you is your dear friend, Wendy, showing up upon the front porch and gently dragging you away from her, at bago ka pa man makapagobject ay isakay ka na niya at ng girlfriend niya papasok ng kotse nito.

 

“You… Wendy?” nagtataka mong sagot habang isinandal ka ng girlfriend niyang si Joy sa balikat nito, Wendy driving as fast as she can habang unti-unti kang nilalamon ng pagod na nararamdaman mo, pero ang higpit ng hawak sa kamay mo ni Joy na tila ba pinipigilan kang makatulog bago kayo makarating sa kung saan man.

 

“Lisa tracked your phone nung marecognize niya na motor mo yung nakakalat sa highway nung pauwi siya kanina. What were you thinking, Seulgi? Akala ko ba nakinig ka sa akin nung sinabi kong layuan mo si Irene—”

 

“You don’t understand, kasi na sa’yo na si Joy, di ba? Wala kang kaagaw—”

 

“Saka na kayo mag-usap kapag okay na si Seulgi, okay, Wendy?” sagot ni Joy habang nagdrive na si Wendy ng tahimik, and all you could do is try to stay awake as she is the only thing that is in your mind at the moment, dahil hindi mo na napigil pa si Wendy na dalhin ka kung saan man… leaving her with that man, alone, and you feel as if your efforts had been wasted.

 

Tinakbo mo pa ng malayo, eh hindi ka rin naman pala magtatagal doon.

 

Persuading her to stay is the thing that stayed in your mind while you sped towards the highway, not even realizing that car blazing towards you, wanting her to stay is the thing that fueled you to run almost 5 kilometers from the site of the accident towards her apartment that you know too well, pero ngayon… hindi mo man lang nasabi na gusto mo siyang manatili dito.

 

Na huwag na sana siyang umalis… na piliin ka naman niya sana, kahit ngayon lang.

 

Dahil unti-unti ka na ngang nauubos habang pinapanood mo siyang umiibig ng iba na hindi ikaw, and you feel like you will break over and over again each passing day that you realize she’s gone.

 

Irene… Piliin mo naman ako, kahit ngayon lang… choose me, instead of him, para alam kong kahit sandali, minahal mo ako.

 

Please.

 

Mahal na mahal kita eh. Kahit masakit. Kahit para kang rosas na ubod ng ganda, pero pag hinawakan ko ang rosas na iyon ay nasusugatan ako, pero mas pinili ko pa ring higpitan ang hawak sa rosas na iyon, kahit na puno na ng sugat ang kamay ko dahil sa mga tinik na nakapalibot sa rosas na ito.

 

Nagmamakaawa ako.

 

And with that… you lose to the fight, and even Joy’s screams for you to continue to stay awake can’t stop the darkness from swallowing you whole, and after a very long time, you feel it.

 

Peace.

 

*

 

Irene’s point of view

 

“Hinding hindi kita mapapatawad kapag hindi nagising ang best friend ko, Irene.” Galit na sabi sa’yo ni Wendy habang humahangos kang dumating sa emergency room ng ikaanim na hospital na binisita mo ngayong gabi, for you didn’t know where they brought your Seulgi to… so you took almost three hours searching different hospitals for each and every sign that she might be there, and after three hours… nakarating ka rin.

 

You ask Wendy for her whereabouts pero hindi siya sumasagot, only staring at the door of the emergency room that leads to the inner workings of this hospital that all of you are in, and parang napagkonekta mo na rin ang dots na nasa ere, na naghihintay na isolve mo para malaman mo kung nasaan siya, nasaan ang babaeng paulit-ulit mo nang sinaktan.

 

You hope that Seulgi’s safe, that she’s alright.

 

Na magigising siyang nakangiti sa’yo kahit na paulit-ulit mo na siyang sinaktan at itinulak palayo, kahit na alam mong masakit para sa kanya na malaman pa sa iba na paalis ka na dapat ngayon kasama ang boyfriend mo—mali, ang ex mo.

 

You know you chose Seulgi this time when you ripped the airplane ticket in front of his disbelieving eyes, when you stole his car keys in front of him and drove away, dahil alam mong dapat matagal mo nang pinili si Seulgi.

 

The woman who loved you unconditionally, na walang kapalit at hindi man lang nagalit kahit isang beses na alam mong itinago mo siya mula sa buong mundo, kahit sa closest friends mo, na ilang beses mo ring pinili ang ex boyfriend mo kesa sa kanya na ikaw ang laging pinipili, no matter what.

 

Because Seulgi’s love for you is too pure, too unconditional, too overwhelming to the point na ilang beses mo siyang itinulak palayo because you didn’t want her to feel like she is only a choice to you, because when she came and appeared into your liife… God, how you struggled to stay committed to the man who really spent two years of his life courting you, only to be stolen by a woman whose eyes disappear when she smiles.

 

But you were even too much to yourself when you decided not to see her for the possibly last time today, dahil kung kinita mo kaya siya at itinigil mo na ang lahat ng ito para hindi na siya masaktan, maaaksidente kaya siya ng ganito?

 

Would she be better with you ending this… this setup between the two of you that you also unconsciously hold on to?

 

Would she be better if she hadn’t met you at all?

 

Pero alam mo sa sarili mong selfish ka, dahil minahal mo rin siya, kahit may karelasyon kang iba. Kaya mo nga tinago, hindi ba, Irene?

 

Kaya mo siya tinago, kahit sa ex mo, dahil minahal mo siya na ikaw lamang ang nakakaalam, na kahit siguro siya ay naguguluhan na kung mahal mo ba talaga siya o hindi dahil mixed signals ang lahat ng binibigay mo sa kanya—you kiss her, and then the next moment you kiss someone else.

 

But now… even if it’s too late, you choose her this time.

 

And so you wait, even if Wendy’s glaring at you kanina pa and Joy’s only waiting patiently while also giving off minimal efforts to stop her girlfriend from staring at you with such daggers upon her eyes, at naghintay ka kahit na matagal, even if it feels like the longest wait you’ve had in your whole life, dahil si Seulgi ang hinihintay mo.

 

The one you love, God, kahit na natagalan kang marealize na siya naman talaga ang mahal mo.

 

It’s been her from the start, but you’ve been too blind to realize that.

 

You were the reddest of them all, the dangerous of all to love… pero kahit na mistulan kang patalim na papatay sa kahit sino mang lumapit… niyakap ka ni Seulgi ng buo, and you hate yourself for that.

 

For she stabbed herself with your dangerous love… leaving nothing, absolutely nothing for her to love herself, dahil alam mong binigay niya ang lahat sa’yo, to the point na alam mong nauubos na siya ng paunti-unti.

 

You remember Wendy’s words to you, nang kausapin ka niya one time while Seulgi’s studying silently upon the other room of her and Wendy’s shared apartment, and those words are permanently tattooed upon your mind, unable to be let go.

 

Oo, bestfriend din kita noon, pero hindi na kita kilala, Irene… bakit mo sinasaktan si Seulgi ng ganito?

 

Does it give you happiness to see her breaking apart oh so slowly when she sees you with him? Does it give you joy, or contentment or satisfaction, or peace?

Does it give you the fulfillment upon your life kapag nakikita mo siyang nasasaktan, Irene?

 

Kasi hindi ko maintindihan…

 

Paano mo nakakayang matulog sa gabi na alam mo sa sarili mong may taong unti-unting nauubos nang dahil sa’yo?

 

Hindi mo na rin alam.

 

You just wish… you just wish that Seulgi’s alright.

 

Please be safe, love…

 

Nagmamakaawa ako, lumaban ka.

 

Sana hindi pa huli ang lahat.. lumaban ka.