Does any of this really matter?

I’ve tried to do this so many times and it doesn’t work out. I want to tell you everything, but you probably won’t want everything. You’ll say you want everything, and think you mean it… but, you don’t. You won’t want to hear what I’ve felt, or what my reasons are. I don’t want you to think differently to know it’s true. It is true… I did do that. I know… how that seems, and how that is. But I was only thinking for myself. I hurt others to protect myself because people are vicious… they swarm and I thought my only option was to choose the wrong side. It was wrong, I knew it, but then it seemed worth it. I couldn’t stand up for myself, now I still can’t. You do a lot for me even these days. I’m better at it, speaking my mind, and stuff… I usually don’t want to, it seems too draining and unnecessary; I don’t need to say someone’s doing something stupid for them to know it. It wouldn’t stop them from doing it and it’d just waste my time. This is supposed to be about you though… or I guess, me and y- nope, that’s weird. How I feel about you… that’s also weird, but it’s the truth and, you know, speaking my mind and stuff….

Speaking my mind… you speak your mind effortlessly, it’s natural, it’s a part of who you are and you don’t seem to change. At least like that… you’re growing older, that’s obvious in every part of you these days. You’re calmler, and even more sure of yourself. It’s amazing really, I don’t know how you do it.

You are beautiful, and kind, and soft and sweet and… lots of things. You’re kind of everything. Well, everything I associate with good, but that’s because of you. You have a big ego, but somehow no matter how much you try to put on, I’ve never thought you honestly felt that highly of yourself. You don’t think bad about yourself, you just don’t really have to think about yourself because you just know. That’s another part of you, it’s become cemented as you’ve entered adulthood. I know because you’re different like that now. You weren’t so… you, when you first came to Korea. You were you, but not the you you are now. You’re everything you were and better. I keep giving you these compliments and thinking you’ll start bragging and being a bit obnoxious soon… it isn’t that bad when you do that. I’m going to miss it… I won’t see it since I won’t leave you this till I’ve moved out for good. You probably won’t be that annoying since you might be sad. I’m sorry if it makes you sad, you and the others can still become even more successful without me… I wish I would be there, but… I made mistakes and even as I tried to work past them, tried to forget them, they’ve returned. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking very much back then. Maybe I could stay with you if I had chosen the other side, but I’m not so sure. I don’t think there was a right side to get what we had now without only that. I’m glad I got this far, I’m glad I met you, I’m glad we got this far. I’m glad I got to spend so much time with you and grow so close to you. I’m glad we debuted together, but I’m sorry we have to part now.

I did something bad, but I managed to do this much. I’m selfish, I want to say I would go back to do it differently, but I don’t think I would if it meant losing all that I had so far.

Obviously it was bad, I wouldn’t be so heartless and oblivious if I did it again, but being able to train and debut, to meet everyone I have and do this much… It is how it is. I can’t change it anyway, but… I’m really not so sure I would change anything. Afterall, that would mean I may never have met you. Knowing we won’t see each other much now that I’ll have to find a different job, makes it easier to say things like that. I know you would overdo it if I was there, but you’ll be busy. It might be hard for you to do it without me, but I know you will. You have a comeback coming up. I won’t be there, but… you’ll do good. I know you will.

Goodbye, for now. You’ll probably try to visit as soon as you get a break… I guess I’ll let you in, but you should try and forget about me. You’ve always had a life beyond me… I’ll admit sometimes I felt scared you wouldn’t want me anymore someday, but now I’m thankful that you’ll be fine without me. I doubt you would even try to forget about me, but don’t let thinking about me hold you back. You’re amazing, and you will have the hearts of a thousand more by the time you read this letter, I’m sure.

I’m going to try and figure my life out now, cuz there’s a lot of work to do. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but it’s probably going to take a lot of time.

I hope when you finally come to see me I have it figured out. I have some things to repent for, and I’ll have to deal with these problems. I was never able to let myself think of them before, but you changed that. You’re really honest and stupidly, amazingly, transparent. It was only so long before I couldn’t not see myself. I see it… I’m not even sure why you liked it so much, but I guess it’s because I took care of you. I’m glad I got to do that too. I wouldn’t change it for that either, even if I should. We’re going other ways now Shuhua, but I’ll move on with the memories of you and the others, but… I’m only saying this because I know you’ll want to hear it, but the memories are mostly of you. I’m so glad for you. You really are amazing, I’m sure you know, but… in every way, I mean it. Thank you Shushu. We’ll meet again… I’m sorry I couldn’t do this in person. Even after years of your influence I’m still a coward it seems.

I’ll be thinking of you, and I hope you do the same. Keep the thoughts in the back of your mind to drive you forward though. There’s a future, and mine isn’t in the group with you. We’re moving forward and we’ll keep our times with us. Don’t stop, keep going as far as you can because you can reach somewhere no one’s gone before. Never change in any way that isn’t you. I love you Yeh Shuhua. Keep going… remember I’m thankful for you.

You’re adorable… and you’re strong. Goodbye.

I love you.