it was supposed to be a special day.

of course, it is. you've all waited for it. the four of you. especially you. 

you've been with each other for a few years now, having to train four years before this very moment. 

you were nervous—terrified. but your heart was beating fast and it's not solely for that reason. 

she placed her hand on your shoulder like you've practiced a thousand times before, somehow you know it shouldn't feel this way anymore.

but you're nervous—terrified— because it's her.

————————————

she's always looking at you.

looking at you with those eyes you can't fathom what secrets hold, what emotions are trying to convey, what sins they want to commit.

you always catch her staring at you and you feel nervous—terrified, because why does it make your heart prance uncontrollably in your chest that you're left wondering...

does she feel it too?

you think, yes.

because at two am on the night of your eighteenth birthday she's knocking on your room and you wonder why she's still wide awake.

i just wanted to see you—she whispers, and you nod letting her in. 

she's always looking at you.

looking at you with those eyes begging for you to notice, begging for you to acknowledge, urging you to make a move.

can i sit closer to you—she asks. you nod, letting her do.

you've been training with her for years now and yet...

you look at her lips and you briefly wonder how can someone pull you down like that white rabbit from wonderland.

—

the first time was bearable.

you were friends. it was easy. 

you think she was pretty. you think she is pretty. 

she tells you that you are—almost every chance she gets. 

she tells you how beautiful you are, the shape of your eyes, the prominent structure of your nose. she takes a bit of time staring at your lips, trying to find words to describe how perfect she thinks they are. she takes much more time staring at the mole beside your lips which you used to hate. 

you don't tell her she's the reason it's your favorite now.

she's your favorite now.

she slips into your life like stubborn dust sticking on the farthest corner, unwilling to budge, unwilling to move away.

you were friends. it was easy.

but you realized friends shouldn't be this confusing. 

you're friends with aeri too, but you don't get the fireworks in your chest whenever she pulls you in for a hug. 

you're friends with yi zhuo too, but you don't get excited when you walk with her late at night in the park. 

you don't spend hours thinking what would it feel like to kiss them on the neck.

you don't spend hours pining over them.

but you do spend hours wondering why you're getting so many butterflies in your stomach when she's around.

friends shouldn't be this confusing.

can i kiss you—she asks.

again, you get those damn butterflies.

you let her lips hover on top of yours. just close enough to keep you wanting. just close enough to get your head in. just close enough you can inhale her breathing. you let her lips touch yours and there's not a single word formulated that can describe what you're feeling.

it's almost like you're floating. almost as if she's pulling you up, up, up.

it was like you were born to feel the ecstasy you're willingly taking from . 

friends shouldn't be this confusing. 

—

she knocks on your door at two am on a random sunday night.

two weeks after you found out that her lips are made by celestial beings driving you to madness. 

you didn't tell her you were craving for it, but you were. you are.

you think minjeong is a drug—and you briefly wonder how soon people are going to find out you're addicted to her. 

can i sleep here—she tells you. you don't understand because it sounded like a statement, those sentences wherein you know it's final and your answer wouldn't matter anyway, yet it's constructed like she's asking for your permission.

she isn't.

she slips into your twin-sized bed and you shake your head because —she looks good in your bed.

she kissed you again that night, once.

twice.

probably four hundred times. 

and you feel your body heating up in weird places, your cheeks tinting up to your ear tips, your lips burning up like it's burnt in the best possible way. 

she kissed you again and you have literally forgotten—

friends shouldn't be this confusing. 

—

the four of you decided to give a random saturday night party a twist.

you play hide and seek in your dorm room in your pjs, laughing because somehow you all feel like kids again. 

you still are, if they were to ask you.

minjeong closed her eyes in the corner and counts from ten backward, and you hear the squeals coming from the other girls. 

you almost stubbed your toe against the bathroom door, eager to hide. 

four— you hear her say. you close the door.

three— you hear her say. the lock won't work, you let it be.

two— you hear her say. the lights turn off, jokes on you.

one—you hear her say. the game has begun.

you hear nothing as she quietly moves around the dorm, before aeri's shrieks were heard two rooms away.

you hear them laughing loudly and you stand quietly in the dark.

you hear nothing as she quietly moves around the dorm.

the next thing you know, the door flies open and she's coming in to find you.

you stand quietly in the dark with your heart hammering on your chest, and it's not solely for that reason of losing a game. 

you see her squint in the dark as she closed the door behind her.

don't make a noise—she tells you. 

she pulls you in for a passionate kiss and you were so ing nervous—terrified

it's not in your room, it's not two am, it's not in your bed.

she's kissing you as if not one of your friends is lazily waiting for you on the couch, whilst the other one is hiding in a closet somewhere. 

she's kissing you as if you're not supposed to show up together with her outside, with your lips probably swollen and your light lipstick a little bit smudged. 

she's kissing you as if she hasn't kissed you for so long when she just did the other night.

friends shouldn't be this confusing. 

she smiles before she pulls away and puts her finger on your lips, mouthing a shhh.

she leaves you standing quietly in the dark with your heart