There are two secrets I'm supposed to keep. 

//

September 30 - Saturday

My lungs felt like they are about to burst any moment now. My heart's beating erratically. My body felt like it's on fire. I always wondered what dying felt. I wondered if it's just sudden, and you're gone. Or if it's a slow process like I'm feeling right now.

(Although I'm not dying, I might as well be.)

The tick of the clock irritated me. The nervous shuffle of my blanket, and the fidgeting of my best friend in my bed. I always felt like she looked good here. Like she belonged where she currently is. In my oversized shirt and her cute shorts. Her messy hair and watery eyes. Her chappy lips that she always glossed with lip balm when she's taking breaks from those lipsticks she always loved. It's the cherry-flavored one even though she never really liked cherries because it's redder than other chapsticks Minjeongie. She's fiddling nervously and I'm leaning at my door frame watching her. I moved a little and her breath hitched. Her pretty eyes found mine and I swear I almost melted in my place. Those eyes. They always drove me crazy. 

(I'm talking like I'm in love with my best friend.)

I am. 

But that's the second secret. 

//

September 25 - Monday

Jimin walks in with her usual pretty face. I know, I'm screwed. I'm supposed to be that best friend who hangs out after classes talking about how bad the class went or how ty the professors were. I'm supposed to talk to her about boys we like and girls we hate. I'm supposed to hug her whenever she gets into another fight with her unnie. 

Not think about how my lips would feel in her neck, about how my hands would grip her hips. Not think about how her body fits mine when we're spooning during sleepovers. Not think about how I badly want to slip my hands under her shirt. Not think about—

"—after class, okay Minjeongie?"

"Huh, yeah." was all I said after hearing her locker door shut. She walks away. Perfectly, that sometimes I wonder if this is just a long music video that we are both starring at.

I want to take you to museums and parks and all beautiful places then kiss you hard

Stare at your pretty eyes, thread at your long hair like it's made for my hands

I want to go under covers and cuddle you through all nights of the week

Sing you the songs I wrote, read you the poems I made as you drift off to sleep

I stared at the note that fell from one of Jimin's books. And I n