He wasn’t scared of dentists. In fact, he was more scared of needles than dentists, so he felt like he definitely fell on the normal side of being okay with getting his teeth checked. But when dentists used four to five injections to numb his entire mouth all the way to his eyebrows and were using a ing saw to break down his teeth into four tiny pieces, he couldn’t say he liked them much. What felt like being run over by a ten-wheeler truck on his face and a good two grants of non-insured medical fees later, Mark had his four wisdom teeth removed. His cheeks were enormous and blood had left his face. The nerve running up to his eyes was tingling as it was already unfreezing and he couldn’t fully close his mouth. His mind was not fuzzy enough to need help walking, but he was glad he had Jennie help him get home. He couldn’t wait to sleep.

“I brought clothes and stuff for tonight, so I’ll drop you off and go get your painkiller for you, I should be back in half an hour,” she told him on the way from the metro to his apartment.

 “I’m fine.” His voice was still raspy as .

“Don’t worry babe, it’s my pleasure, I…”

“By I’m fine, I mean I can manage on my own. I’m not missing a limb or something.”

Okay, that had definitely sounded harsher than intended. But Mark couldn’t feel his face enough to bother about being polite rather than getting the message across. She stopped dead in her track and puckered her eyebrows.

“Well since you’re not missing a limb stop acting like you have a reason to act like an .”

There she goes.

“Damn Jennie, take a chill pill,” he mumbled.

“Come again?”

“Why do you turn every single thing I say into an argument? I’m just telling you all I need right now is to rest and you don’t have to be there if…”

“You are perfectly right; I do not need to be there so deal with your alone. And don’t call me crying when your stitches open up and you bleed for hours.”

She her heels even before she had finished her sentence, and rushed down the street to go back to the metro. He had to jog a bit to catch up to her and grab her by the shoulder.

“Jennie. Jennie! Wait…”

She shrugged his hand off and kept walking just as fast. He had to stop to shout her name a bit louder.

“Jennie!”

“Mark I’m done,” she blurted out as she spun. “If you’re about to have this attitude I might as well come back another time, I’m tired of your bull.”

“Jen, Jen, please. Let’s talk about it. I’m sorry.”

“Talk about what? We’ve had this conversation before. You’re always too busy for me, you cancel plans last minute, you tell me you’ll text me and then you don’t. I’ve wasted so many days on you. And now you’re honestly being a when all I’m tryna do is to help.”

She crossed her arms, and her face was turning slightly red. All Mark felt like he could say was: “I know.”

“What’s up with you? It’s like in the span of… what… two months? You’ve completely changed.”

He looked down. He felt like a child being scolded by his mom. “I know.”

“If you know then do something about it! Talk to me, come to me, anytime you want. We are a couple, Mark. Whatever you are going through I also am.”

He swallowed a lump. It’s not that he didn’t want to talk to her. It’s not that he thought she would not be supportive or whatever. But he was truly afraid to hurt her. It was the very last thing he wanted.

“I’m… moving back to the US,” he declared after building up the courage.

Her facial expression softened, and her grip on her own arms slowly loosened.

“What?”

“I’ve… applied for uni there.”

“B-but… why?”

“South Korea was never my dream. It was yours.”

She stared at him in confusion for a few seconds, until she looked down and her lips. He knew her mind was spinning. He didn’t want her to feel guilty for anything, but again, it felt too cliché to say ‘it’s not you; it’s me.’

“But you’re good here, no? I thought we had planned on renting a studio together when my lease ends.”

“I’m… not sure I would… want that,” he said so low it almost became a whisper.

“Why not?”

“Jennie, I… I don’t know how to tell you this…”

 He couldn’t look at her in the eyes. He already knew this was going to be clumsy and wrong. It felt like pointing a gun at someone with a finger on the trigger. “In the past months, a lot happened, and… I realised a lot of things. And well… if I do go back to the US… I don’t think it’s fair for you if we stay together.”

“Fair for me? What are you talking about?”

“I don’t think I should…” He paused and closed his eyes to gather his thoughts. “I think, it would take pressure off your shoulders if we…”

“You say that like you’ve consulted me. I don’t mind being in a long-distance relationship, if that’s where you’re getting at,” her voice softened even so slightly, but she still sounded insulted.

“I do.”

“I don’t wanna sound petty, but with the past months being so chaotic between us I don’t think an ocean will break us up,” she chuckled.

She did not understand.  

“I wish I didn’t have to say it like that, but…”

He stopped. He couldn’t possibly tell her that. He couldn’t tell her that after five years with her, after moving to her country of birth with her, that he thinks that he was never really in love. She looked at him with big, concerned eyes, biting her lower lip the same way she does when she’s stressed, and the feeling of knowing he is about to completely wreck someone who did not deserve any of this is probably one of the most lowering feelings Mark had ever felt.

“I think… it’s time we go separate ways.”

She scoffed, and Mark frowned because he was not expecting such a reaction.

“Why do you insist so much on giving up on us?” she breathed.

“Because I… I’m not sure this is worth it anymore,” he mumbled as he pushed his cuticles back. 

“…Worth it?”

That is only when he realised the words he had used. “So to you I’m not… ‘worth it’, anymore?” she asked, and at this point, Mark wasn’t even sure if she was pissed or hurt.

“Jen…” He looked up and met her eyes that confirmed what he thought: she was just hurt. There was only pain in her eyes, nothing else. “You are one of the most incredible people I met in my life,” he said in an attempt to save the unsavable.

“Don’t come over here with that ,” she snapped. She looked down, breathed deeply, and apologized. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

She chewed on the inside of her cheeks and stared at a single rock on the ground long enough for Mark to almost add something to lighten up the mood as if his clumsy could do that. Luckily, she spoke first.

“I tried so hard. So hard, Mark, to make this work.”

“I know.” He tried to explain what he himself didn’t understand at last: “I realised that sometimes, what is right is not always what feels right, if that makes sense?”

She looked at him in the eyes, and he felt his heartbreak for the thousandth time. “So what you’re saying is that loving me is the right thing to do, yet you can’t bring yourself to do it.”

“It’s not that I cannot bring myself to do it, it’s that I’m not sure I ever could.”

She didn’t react right away. She blinked, and her eyes widened as they filled with tears, and she turned around so quickly Mark didn’t have the time to notice she was gone.

“, Jen, that’s not what I meant…”

He walked a few steps, ready to jog after her, but then he saw her bring a hand to , and he slowed down. He knew it would only hurt her more if he ran after her. It would hurt her more if he held her while she cried. It would hurt her more if he didn’t let her go first.

*

“Man, you look like .”

“Ten, not now.”

He walked out of his room and dragged his feet to the fridge where he hoped to find something to eat, or rather, something to blend. His painkillers had him vomit ice cream and soup so far, and the second prescription had knocked him out harder than that time he drank a whole bottle of liquor to himself in high school, so he felt like he couldn’t trust anything. He opened the refrigerator and realised he wasn’t even hungry. And that everything looked like it would taste like . But he hadn’t eaten much in maybe three, four days. He didn’t know anymore.

“You sleep a lot nowadays.”

“Yup,” Mark sighed as he finally closed the door because the cold made him shiver.

“Is… everything alright?”

He rolled his eyes. He figured it would seem more rational to look like he was about to jump off a bridge if he actually gave him a reason, other than his medication was killing him slowly and was still not enough to take away the throbbing pain caused by his stitches which were tickling his tongue every time he spoke.

“I broke up with Jennie.”

But then, he saw the concerned look on Ten’s face. He shook his head. “It’s no big deal. I mean, I’ll be fine.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

He did. He did want to talk about it, but he didn’t even know what there was to say. He was an . He blew it with everyone who cared. Life had just become a headache that wouldn’t go away.

“I’m okay. Thanks.”

He proceeded to walk back to his room, but Bambam wasn’t done talking.

“You know I’m here for you, right? And Jackson too. Even though…”

Mark stopped and looked over his shoulder. “Even though he hates me?”

“I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t say he hates you. It’s just… Look, it’s not my beef.”

By the time Bambam finished his sentence, Mark had decided to fully turn around and go sit at the table with him. He needed to breathe fresh air.

“I know, I’m not trying to get you involved,” he sighed.

“Was it because you were uncomfortable with him having a crush on you?”

“Kinda… Did you say ‘on me’?” he asked with a frown. Had he heard that wrong?

“I mean he wasn’t exactly subtle about it. And he didn’t want to create drama in your couple, and like, you’re very much hetero…”

“Bambam what are you talking about?”

“What you mean, didn’t he… confess his love or anything? I thought that was why he ran away to Hong Kong?”

It was late in the afternoon, but Mark having just wakened up from a nap, it was way too early for that . The other made so little sense to him that he might as well have been speaking Thai all along.

            Mark grunted and rubbed his eye. “Okay, start from the beginning because I am obviously missing a part here.”

            “Are you telling me you… didn’t know about it? Oh my god, did I just make it worse?”

            “No, I’m not…” he paused. Bambam didn’t need the whole story. “You said he was in Hong Kong, what ‘bout that?”

            “He said he needed some time with his family. We might have to find another roommate soon.”

            It was true that Mark hadn’t seen the guy for quite a while now, but since he hadn’t left his room himself, he had figured the other just avoided him really well.

            “He’s not coming back?”

            “I don’t know, he seemed pretty pissed when he left. I mean, he has to get his stuff, but…”

            “.” he muttered under his breath, before repeating out loud: “.”

            “What? What’s wrong?”

            It was a bit hard to describe how Mark was feeling at this point. Deep down he wasn’t even shocked anymore: after all, everything was ed, and it had been for a while now. He wasn’t sure he was surprised either, but he did start to feel a bit… dumb? Nah, too strong. Ignorant? Blind? Oblivious? How could he have missed that? He had seen Jackson flirt with basically anyone who gave him some sort of attention, he had listened to him talking about his life and his exes and his crushes at school, and although he still hadn’t gotten over the fact that he had flat out missed his attraction for men he knew one thing for sure and that was that Jackson was the opposite of subtle. But for Bambam to be that confident and matter-of-factly about it made it impossible for it to be untrue. What had Mark missed? He leaned his back on the counter and ran a hand through his hair while staring in the void. It felt like he would never reach the bottom of it.

Ten’s phone beeped. Mark glanced at it, but was too much in his thoughts to care. The other picked the phone up and looked back at Mark with a sorry smile.

“I have to go meet Yugyeom. Do you wanna come with us?”

He shook his head. “You’re gonna be okay?” Bambam asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” Mark sighed.

He let the other leave the table and slide his feet in his shoes. Right before he opened the door, Mark asked: “Bambam wait. What did Jackson say about me?”

“That it was sad that you guys had ended up this way. He really liked you.”

Mark nodded, and Bambam left for his outing.

He sat there for a while, reminiscing himself of every single moment spent with Jackson he could remember. Had he liked him then? Had he liked him all along? He then thought about Jennie, and the way he broke her, and he felt the oh-so-unpleasant yet familiar feeling of a panic attack coming. He closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply, before he figured right now would be a good time to try a smoothie recipe like that would help with his hunger.

Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

He walked to the kitchen and threw the cabinets open in search of anything that would make him full. He saw bread, ketchup, and flour in a container, hiding the peanut butter. Yes, peanut butter and banana would be good. He checked if the bananas were not too green nor too brown, and reached for the fridge to take out the milk. When he stuck his hand in the cabinet again, not really looking where it landed, he grabbed ahold of the jar and pulled it out, taking the weakly closed container of flour with him. Mark barely had time to see the thing in midair from the corner of his eye before it hit the counter, the lid hitting the edge like a and bursting into an explosion of white powder all, over, the kitchen. It ultimately landed on the floor where the remaining flour spread to all the furthest corners of the room like it had a very specific purpose of making the worst possible mess this apartment had ever seen.

And that. That was it.

He dropped the jar he was holding and crouched down, one hand still on the edge of the counter as he let the tears blur his vision, making him completely blind until they pour over his lower eyelid as he fights to catch his breath but he’s choking, and his jaw hurts, his head hurts, his eyes burn and his heart breaks, who is he kidding, it already was. He already was. How could a damn peanut butter smoothie have such an impact he didn’t know. He didn’t give a . He was too mentally on the edge, he could barely hold it together as he moaned weakly through the sobs, how could everything go so wrong all the ing time? He swore he could feel his heart sank into sorrow, or anger, or fear, yes, mostly fear, because he was terrified by the idea that he might do something bad, he had to make it stop, he had to breathe in and breathe out and open his eyes to see he wasn’t drowning, he wasn’t actually hurting, except that he was, he ing was, everything was and nothing could be done, he couldn’t be saved. Mark slid his body away from the counter until his back hit the fridge, and he brought his knees up and hugged them so tight because he had to hold something, someone, he was so alone, nobody cared… nobody would care if he did anything to himself.

No.

He had to stop thinking. Or at least think of something else.

He rushed to his room and rummaged in his desk drawer looking for his passport. He grabbed it with a shaky hand and opening it on the first page to enter his passport number on the webpage. Before he pressed “proceed to payment”, he stopped.

What was he doing? He didn’t give two s about California. He didn’t want to go home. He didn’t need to be home.

What he needed was him. He didn’t know why, he didn’t wonder. He wanted him the way he was before Mark had ruined everything.  

He tapped his passport nervously on his fingers and paced around the room, but it didn’t take him long to think screw it. He knew he shouldn’t put so much trust in God after having been ed over relentlessly but he thought might as well dive deep into chaos and get a glimpse of hell before he’d settle there for good.  

He booked the flight. He threw his passport in the nearest bag he found, along with deodorant, a couple of clean clothes he found in his drawer, his phone charger and two pairs of boxers he found on the ground. He walked out of the room just as fast as he had entered, his mind spinning out of control as his thoughts were going so ing fast, but he didn’t care about how impulsive he was being. All he cared about was to catch this flight and leave this hole that was Seoul. He stopped before walking past the kitchen to reach his shoes in front of the main door. Bambam would understand.

*

If Mark had one advice to give, it would be to not buy a plane ticket without looking at said ticket first. Because then, what should have been a 4h flight might turn into a 12h flight connecting in ing Bangkok. While he did land in Hong Kong ridiculously early the next morning, Mark regretted all of it when he realised what he had done. His incisions hurt like a and he had forgotten to bring his pills. His Korean SIM card did not work overseas and he had no one to call. But he shot his shot anyway and tried calling Jackson at the crack of dawn over Wi-Fi. It took a solid half-hour of trying, but he finally picked up.

“Why are you trying to call me? Do you know what time it is? I’m not even in Korea. It’s ing 5 AM over here,” Jackson barked with a husky voice.

“I know, I’m in Hong Kong too.”

He heard him shift in what must have been bedsheets. “You’re what?”

“I’m at the airport, in Hong Kong. Can you come pick me up? Please. I know this is really not…”

“Are you on drugs?”

Mark was drained. He did not have time for this bull. And while he was perfectly aware that he was the one who had caused all this trouble, he really wasn’t down to play.

“Jackson. I am not joking right now. Can you pick me up or not? I gotta talk to you.”

“Oh my god…” he paused, moved more according to background noises, and sighed: “Okay. Yeah. I’ll be there in… an hour or so.”

“Thank you. Really.”

By the time Jackson showed up in the arrival terminal of HKG, Mark had chosen to nap on the floor, using his half-empty bag as a pillow. He never felt like a hobo so much in his life. He sat up when he saw his roommate coming his way like he was about to punch him in the face.

“The are you doing in Hong Kong, man? What is it now, you need a place to stay?” He stopped and frowned in surprised when he took a good look at the other’s ridiculously puffy cheeks. “Oh boy. What happened to your face?”

“I got teeth pulled out,” he let out, his eyes squinted because of the sun rising behind Jackson. The other couldn’t hide his laughter, and Mark sighed. “Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not, I’m not. But seriously, what the hell?”

“I needed to talk to you.”

He stood up, brushed the dust off his jeans, and picked up his bag to throw it on his shoulder.

“Right now?”

He nodded, unwillingly squeezing his eyes shut because of the sharp pain he felt in his stomach and his throat: damn, he swore he could feel his esophagus hurting because he was so hungry.

“Sure, okay,” the other sighed. “Let’s hum… What’s wrong?”

Again, all he could do was cry.

Stating that Mark felt like was an understatement. The guy felt weak. His stomach hurt, his throat hurt, his lips were drier than he had imagined possible and it felt like a tiny heart was beating where there once were wisdom teeth. But most of all, his head hurt, because he was so tired and all he wanted to do was curl in a ball and wait for death to come and take him. Physically, and mentally, he felt like he was at the mercy of everything, and he couldn’t think rationally and soothe himself that he was not alone anymore, Jackson might hate him but he wouldn’t let him perish, at least not in the middle of Hong Kong International Airport.

“…I just really need food.”

*

“You know that was fifteen bucks right? And you chugged it like beer in a frat party.”

“I’ll pay you back,” Mark answered between two sips of a smoothie that was way too sweet to be drunk so fast. Oh well. He was getting used to puke at this point.

“No, that’s not… I didn’t mean it that way.”

Jackson slouched in his chair in front of one of the only restaurants outside the security that served non-alcoholic drinks and watched Mark drink without the straw, giving him a smoothie mustache that admittedly made him look like a child.

“I’ve only had milk for the past three days. And opioids.”

“And you flew in with that?” Jackson exclaimed. As if he couldn’t stand the silence Mark much needed, he added: “Can you even go back to Korea now? I thought your visa didn’t let you leave the country.”

“Jack, I’m not grossed out by your homouality. Not at all.”

The other his lips with an expression that was confused at first but turned into annoyance. “Why are you… You came all the way to Hong Kong to tell me that? Really, Mark, I don’t care. I’ve told you before man, you do you, I don’t know why you still feel the need to-”

 “Bambam told me you loved me.”

Again, Mark did not feel like beating around the bush.

He looked up, appearing slightly panicked at first, then composed himself and frowned. “When… when did he tell you that?”

“Yesterday.”

“And how is this relevant now?”

Mark stared at his empty cup, and wiped his milky mustache with the napkin that was provided with the smoothie, and dropped what he was so afraid to say like it was hot.

“I think I love you.”

“You what?”

Jesus Jackson. He looked up, and didn’t exhale before he said:

“I think… I’m in love with you.”

Jackson blinked, kinda frowned but only halfway, and laid his eyes on something on the table before it hit him. He looked back at Mark and inhaled as he removed his elbows from the table to stare at him in pure confusion.

“I… I’m sorry. That was terribly said, I… …” Mark muttered as he placed a hand on his jaw that was starting to hurt again.

Jackson stood immediately and grabbed his jacket. “Do you need painkillers? I’ll call us a taxi.”

“I’m fine, if you don’t, I mean, if you can’t…”

But it was too late. Jackson already had his eyes glued to his phone, staring at the Uber app. Part of him wanted to insist, mostly because he felt guilty to impose his presence on Jackson and his family. He was not the responsibility of his former roommate’s parents, after all. He was the one who had been stupid enough to buy a one-way ticket to Hong Kong, and he knew he should be the one dealing with everything it entailed. But at the same time, he was so done, that he simply muttered a ‘thank you’ and let Jackson call a taxi.

“Is your jaw doing better?” Jackson broke the silence after they hit the highway in mid-traffic.

“Yeah.”

It burned his tongue to say it. Maybe right now was not the time. He was still holding an ice cream that Jackson had bought for him to use as an icepack on his teeth. But all Mark wanted was to know. He wanted to know how bad he had ed up by coming here.

“Am I too late?”

Jackson didn’t look at him at first, and Mark almost thought he hadn’t heard him. “No. I haven’t been a er for someone for that long just to pretend it never happened.”

The thought of Jackson being a er for him made him smile as much as his bruised mouth allowed him.

“Did you… come to Hong Kong… expecting me to fall in your arms or something?”

He shook his head. He still didn’t know what he had expected by coming to Hong Kong. Maybe Jackson actually wasn’t too far from the truth.

“Do you need to take a nap?” Jackson asked with a softer voice, with his hand sliding towards Mark on the backseat.

“I need to know. If you’ll push me away. I need to know.”

“I don’t know, okay? I… I really don’t know.” He paused, and Mark noticed he took his hand back. “Things changed.”

“If it’s a no I’ll take the next flight to LA. I don’t wanna be a burden.”

The youngest’s voice rose a bit. “What’s the rush? Can we at least talk about it? You come like that and…”

“I am tired, Jackson. If this was a mistake, I just wanna get it over with.”

“Are you even sure you like men?”

Mark scoffed. So Jackson was still convinced he was homophobic for some reasons Mark still hadn’t come to understand.

“Are you saying that because…”

“Do not get defensive. I’m just asking because… you have a girlfriend and… I just… don’t see you, with a man.”

“Well, I didn’t ‘see’ you with a man either,” he mumbled with all pettiness intended.

“You did seem shook, that day,” the other smiled.

Although Mark hated to admit it, he did: “I was jealous.”

“Now were you?” Jackson smile’s broadened.

“That’s why I called Jinyoung a , if you were still wondering. And because he was a boy.”

“Fair enough, he kinda was, to be honest.”

The way Jackson looked at him, smiling tenderly like that, had Mark’s heart racing. He felt like a fifteen-year-old. His mind started racing as well. He wanted to answer nonchalantly, to pretend he was chill, but Mark’s heart was beating way too fast, and his fingers were numb. He nibbled on the inside of his lips and swallowed a lump before he mentally told his anxiety a big ol’ you and went for it: he looked down, and as soon as he met Jackson’s gaze again, he leaned forward a bit too eagerly and crashed his lips onto his.

He heard the other’s breath hitch in surprise before he sighed and moved his lips against his. He slid the tip of his fingers across Mark’s neck as if scared to really touch him. His touch was so delicate it tickled Mark: his fingers felt so cold on his warm skin he had goosebumps. While his heart had been racing up to that moment, Mark realised as he brushed his tongue and closed his lips on Jackson’s that he felt calm, almost like he felt he had never before. His jaw quickly made itself be remembered again, but he didn’t give a . In fact, it was Jackson who pulled away first.

He kept looking down, both hands now on the other’s neck, and Mark almost thought something was wrong until he started smiling like a fool.

“What?” Mark asked, still unsure how to react.

“Nothing.”

“Say it,” Mark smiled at the other’s expression.

Jackson looked up at last, bit his lower lip, and leaned back in to answer Mark unasked questions.

*

Upon arriving at Jackson’s place, Mark took the painkiller he had gotten for him, let his mother cook him some soft food and slept like a baby for a good uninterrupted 13h. He agreed to spend his last summer month in Hong Kong. The month had been so terribly perfect.

Mark hadn’t really ever known love. That he understood when the sight of Jackson sleeping next to him made him feel content. All he wanted was to claim him as his and his only, not in the selfish or show-off way: more than anything, he was glad to have the luxury to roll over and lay his head on his chest whenever he felt like it. He liked the warmth his body brought, as opposed to Mark’s typically cold skin: being in Jackson’s arms was comforting in a way he had never experienced before.

In only a few months, Mark had gotten to know Jackson better. The way he rubs his eyes when he’s stressed. The way he winces when he hears something cheesy. The way he doesn’t like kissing in public but would willingly do it for hours behind closed doors. Mark’s senses were never really strong, but he caught himself smiling a bit every time he recognized his smell, and every time he heard him laugh from afar, and every time he could really look at him while he drove, with only the streetlights pouring in enough light for him to really appreciate his beauty for seconds at the time. The feeling that a clock was ticking made Mark take everything in a different way. He wanted to remember absolutely everything about him, to the feeling of being touched by his somewhat dry and rough hands to that thing his tongue did when they got ahead of themselves while they kissed on the most random music. Some songs would never carry the same feeling again.

If there is one thing Mark had learned about Jackson, it is that the latter didn’t know just how beautiful he was inside out. The oldest wished he had realised that way, way before. He couldn’t help but picture a life in which he would come home to Jackson every night, and wake up to his snoring every morning. He would lie through his teeth by saying he didn’t want that with every inch of his body. But Mark had to leave.

“I know I can’t ask you that, but I will anyway.”

Mark already knew what he was going to say, and he wished he didn’t say it. But he sighed with a soft smile to let Jackson ask him one more time: “Come back to Seoul with me.”

“My plane ticket’s booked and everything. This was just a short stop, I never expected…”

“Can you postpone or something?”

Mark shook his head with a sorry smile. For a moment, he really doubted himself and his life-changing decisions making skills as if he hadn’t been doubting since the very start. What the had he done? But then, he had to focus really hard to remind himself that Jackson was really just a boy. He had followed Jennie eyes closed into her dream thinking that as long as she was around all would go well, but Mark ended up hitting a wall. And while Jackson was something else, Jackson made him excited and calm and genuinely happy all at once but in the end, he really was just a boy, a great one indeed, who could break his heart with a snap of a finger. Not that Mark was scared. Not that Mark was running away from the idea that love might hurt him in the end: he didn’t believe in that. What Mark believed was that he couldn’t make such a big compromise at this time in his life for a wild feeling that Jackson’s love, his touch, his smile, and his voice would be enough to fill the void that South Korea had created. Despite the conviction that he could find some kind of happiness in this feeling that felt so light and free, Mark knew he would not forgive himself for making himself so small for someone else. Not again. Not now, at least.

He put his hands in his pockets and looked down. He had never realised how sad airports were. The sound of people rushing, running, wheels screeching on the floor, and children crying far in the distance, buried by the sound of the intelligible announcements on the speakers. He looked at his phone, then the growing line of security. He looked back up at Jackson to tell him right now was the time to go.

“Have you ever heard the idiom ‘Bù jiàn bú sàn’?” he said before Mark could say a word.

Mark shook his head. “What does that mean?”

“Good luck figuring that one out. Have a safe trip, Mark,” he said with a smile.

He turned his body around so slowly, as if unsure if he should do more. But he ultimately decided not to. Mark knew it was better to keep it at that. Just like he had done with Jennie, it would only have wrecked him. His heart was already heavy enough. The youngest fully turned his back on him. Mark watched him leave from the spot on which he stood.

Mark could have run after him. He could have ditched his plane ticket and his admission to the American uni. He could have lost the money and work hard to make it again. He could have moved in with Jackson and possibly live happily ever after. He could have. Maybe he should have. But that, Mark would only know in a few years.

I just wish one day, you’ll ask me to pick you up in LAX. And that on that day, you’ll let me kiss those lips I have grown to know by heart, and that tongue that will forever leave me waiting for next time.

Life is a . But that’s just how life is.

THE END