When I loved You

The familiar path down her old house felt different somehow. She’s taken this road a million times before, but there’s something about it that has changed and she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She guessed it’s because it’s the first time she had gone down this road after a long time of trying to avoid it, or maybe because the circumstances begged for the solemnity and solitude that she has never encountered before, but somehow...somehow this familiar way no longer felt like it was leading her home.

Yet, here she was, walking down this very same street, in the middle of the cold winter — when there was a threat of snow and it was so cold she feared her limbs would freeze off. She could have asked her manager to drop her off here, or she could have asked anyone to drive her, but she’d felt the need to be alone. Maybe she needed to process all of this on her own.

Or maybe she just didn’t want an audience when she inevitably failed to keep her composure any longer.

Either way.

Either way, her morbid thoughts kept her company as she walked and walked until she reached the place she once called home. From the outside, it looked pretty much the same — beautiful, sturdy, one of a kind — as it sat unoccupied for the most part. It housed some of her old things and many memories of a life she’d once thought she would live forever.

But that’s long gone now, and where magic once resided in it, lay the bare emptiness of a now broken home, a lost future she could never get back.

The blistering cold wind pressed her on and disallowed her from continuing to marvel at the sight of the grand and beautiful house. So she walked up the porch and unlocked the door, opening it slowly as the creaking sound of the barely used hinges echoed off the empty space. 

It’s clean — the housekeeper had been there only a few days ago — and she took one glance around it before the memories of the time she spent here came flooding back to her. She felt the coldness from the outside seep through as a draft passed, so she closed the door quickly and, without much thought, went to find the thermostat and turned it up, bringing back the warmth. 

It’s exactly as she remembered it, and nothing had been moved since she was last here. There were a few missing articles in the living room that she’s noted so far, but the furniture has not been moved since. It seemed as though she wasn’t the only one who had a hard time coming back to this place.

It seemed as though he had not been by, either.

Not that she cared or dared to speculate, the last few months had been spent trying not to do that anymore, after all. So, she busied herself with what she came here to do, which was to pack her things. She made her way up the stairs, not really caring about any other rooms in this house, because she only really needed to collect her personal items and get out of here as soon as she could. 

When the realtor had called her to inform her that they were about to close a deal, she had initially hesitated to come over and pick up her things. She thought it was no longer important, and whatever was left here didn’t matter enough anymore, but she knew better and in the end she had decided to get her things anyway. Some of it at least. Everything else she didn’t need can be sold along with the house.

The bedroom was pretty much the same, too, though it was spotless which was a little unusual. Ji Hyo wouldn’t call herself a slob, but their bedroom has always looked lived in — as it should. There had always been signs of life here, an atmosphere that said that this place was sacred but very much enjoyed. They had lived in this room for a long time, sharing many nights here: sleeping next to each other,  holding each other, making love...ah, yes, this room had been sacred but lived in, and it had been her safest sanctuary...until it wasn’t. 

“Stop,” Ji Hyo complains aloud only to herself, as her own thoughts now tortured her. This was exactly why she didn’t want to be here, why she had avoided coming back here for as long she could — because the memories would return and they would suffocate her and she would go back to square one.

She would forget why she needed to forget in the first place.

This place reminded her of heartbreak, and it was getting so much harder to breathe. It almost felt like being cut open with a knife and someone was ripping her heart from her chest. And it hurt. It hurt like a broken rib, like every breath hurt.