THIS CHAPTER WILL BE INSPIRED FROM THIS VIDEO

Dear Hyung-who-think-he's-so-cool,

 

Wow. I feel awkward. It has been a long time since I last wrote you a letter. I mean, could you really blame me? You were the one who ditched all of us for Hyungsikkie. Ditched me.

 

But I've forgiven you, hyung. You know that, didn't you? You know how impossible it is to keep being upset at you or trying to ignore and forget you, didn't you, Hyung?

 

You're such a sly creature.

Just when I felt resolved to cut off all remaining weird feelings that stubbornly doesn't seem to want to go away no matter what, even though i didn't know how...I still wanted to get rid of it. It's not a feeling worth harvesting over. I worth nothing to you ever since you got so close with Hyungsik. I swear he's such a hyungwhore. Kept dangling himself for the hyungs' attention and damn know how to get what he wanted. But you're so stupid you let yourself fell for his cheap self- anyway. (man, I feel so bad talking bad about my own buddy, but hey...he asked for it) Well, maybe you liked it anyway. Even though he flirted with everyone. Hyungsik used to be my best friend you know? But he even left my side for all his hyung that doesn't include me, which I've nothing to complaint about, really. 

 

Anyway, just forget it.

No use for me to whine about it, because you always somehow could sense whenever I wanted to move further away from you, and the sick thing is, you never let me do that, and even worse, I always let you get your way, no matter how much I ended up being hurt by expectations that were never met everytime you held me back with glimmer of false hopes.

 

It wasn't even a month after your birthday date with Hyungsik...that we had another concert in Japan. I fell down while trying on a stupid handkerchief breakdance move on stage. It was embarrassing, really. Sprawling like an idiot on stage...especially in front of you, in front of the laughing maknaes, who did their dance smoothly. But I just laughed it off, so it wouldn't appear even more embarrassing. And we continued practicing as usual. I didn't let anyone know that I sprained my lower wrist, near the palm with the fall. I continued doing stuff as usual and didn't think much of it. I mean, come on, we get injured and bruised from dance-moves-go-wrong all the time. You should know better. You're the clumsier one anyway. 

 

And indeed you probably really do know better.

 

It was after the concert, and we were busy with interviews and shooting for our behind the scenes DVD to be released, that you called me. It was strange, considering you had been ignoring me and letting Hyungsik cling next to you the whole time, as usual. To the extent that even Kwanghee Hyung gave up since the Hyungsik effect on you was so strong.

 

So, why did you call me? Could it be that you wanted to scold me about something I did or said wrongly, during the concert? I was afraid, but seeing you weren't alone there, I came, hoping your considerate nature would not let you scold me in front of the others.

Things were pretty noisy, with those kids Minwoo and Taehun playing around with Kwanghee Hyung. But you were as silent as ever as you signalled for me to sit next to you, and I swore your silent instructions made my heart pounded harder. It had to be something serious. You were angry at me for something. Or you wouldn't have acted that way. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to be scolded at that time. I swear I was just coming in after having my mind drained out with my individual interview and photoshoot where I just babbled whatever without thinking and posed a billion poses which didn't seem to satisfy the photographer, still. I was too tired after the concert. I was blanked out. So I just sat, without saying anything, and decided to just divert my attention, well, pretend to divert my attention to Kwanghee Hyung and the kids who were having fun violating him. But you would know only my eyes were on them. I always felt that you knew.

 

And then, even my eyes were taken off from them, when my hand was suddenly pulled and wrapped inside the softest dominance - the touch of your usually strong hands. I tried my best to not appear nervous and feigned oblivion, pretending to be so absorbed by the sight of Taehun trying to kiss Kwanghee Hyung for whatever excuse, when the truth is, my heart was jumping all over the place and felt like it would soon enough jump out of my body. You began massaging my hand and I had no idea what was happening. Maybe I was dreaming, or hallucinating because that was the only logical explanation to all that was happening. No way in hell this could be real.

 

The gentle gradually turned stronger as you continued massaging, still without a word. 

Finally, I realized I was in pain and couldn't take it any longer as much as I didn't want to end the precious dreamlike moment.

 

"It hurts." I reasoned as I pulled away. Hoping you wouldn't be mad and misunderstood.

 

Oddly, you responded with a small laughter, I should've seen that coming. I really should. Aish.

 

"You lasted the pain longer than I thought. Don't worry. It'll get better soon."

 

Your words brought a dark frown on my face I was sure, for when I glared at you, you stopped laughing and turned serious.

 

"Next time don't ever do that again."

 

"Do what?" I demanded for explanation as you went up from your chair, trying to leave mysteriously without a word of explanation as you always does. You must really think that you're so cool to act like that. But really Hyung, it annoys people. It annoys me seeing you act all mysterious and smart and cool like that, leaving me dumb instead.

 

"Pretending to be okay when you injured yourself. Don't do that again. It will affect everyone if it gets serious."

 

"What? What do you..." I myself had forgotten about the fall, though my hand did felt a little sore after that. But I didn't expect anyone would remember or let alone, knew about it.

 

"You think people are blind?" You scoffed and left. To where Hyungsik had been waiting to hug and kiss you as he like, as usual. Far from the most intense intimacy I could initiate around you. I hated it. Seeing how you just let him do whatever he wanted while sitting there without a care.

But an idea then flickered in my head, making the hand that was caressed by you earlier, turned warm.

 

I had never seen you hold Hyungsik's hand. Even though you only held mine because of my injury and said it was just because it would affect the team, but still...you noticed. You noticed me all along, didn't you? You cared. Despite your cold treatment, you worried about me. Even with all the frenzy of our concert and interviews, you didn't forgot. Even when I had forgotten about it myself. It made me swell in happiness. It made me want to scream, yell, let the whole world know.

 

I love you, Hyung, different than my love for the others, more than my love for them. I love you, Siwan Hyung! Can you hear me?

 

 

 

Buhhh...silly. Of course you can't I just wanted to try write something crazily embarrassing. I'm gonna make sure to burn all these letters when I decide to stop writing. Or I'd die if somebody finds them.

 

 

 

But I wasn't joking. You know...what I wrote above there. I'm not going to repeat it. Nope.

 

 

Today, we had filming for Dream Team. I was worried sick that any of us would get injured since our comeback is nearing. Especially Junyoung. You know...I'm surprised that there can be someone clumsier than you. But apparently, Junyoung is the worst in sports. And I'm even more worried that something bad always happen when we're having comeback. It's like we're jinxed or something.

 

Surprisingly, it wasn't him who was injured today. It wasn't you either. It wasn't Kwanghee Hyung. Or Hyungsikkie. And all of you are clumsier than me. But it was me, who injured myself. Ugh, what a shame when everybody swarmed asking if I was alright. The fans kept screaming "Oppaaa, gweanchana?" and some even crying. Really? Did you guys have to overreact like that? I'm fine. For goodness sake, I'm an adult man here, I can handle myself well. It's just a small injury.

 

But one person I expected to approach me, didn't. In fact, you didn't even noticed the little accident I got myself into. You're too busy with Hyungsikie again. So busy letting him feed you and act all lovey dovey. You couldn't even spare a glance for me. Are you really going to be this way? Even if you want to have fun with Hyungsikkie, can't you two wait when there's no other people? Can't you spare me from getting my heart ripped out like this? So much that I couldn't feel the pain on my body whenever I looked at the both of you.

Stop it, Siwan Hyung. Please stop it just for now. This time I'm really hurt. I'm telling everyone that I'm okay, but even now, as I wanted to sleep, every part of my body felt pain from the fall just now at the filming. It hurts so much, and you only added to it. Thanks to you, now even my heart is throbbing in pain. Are you really going to just continue ignoring me like this? Were you really unaware of what happened when everyone kept talking about it? Or do you really not care, this time? Hyung...I'm hurting. Even when I'm telling this to you here now, you're still nowhere in sight. Hyung, I'm hurt, please come, please care even for a bit, and I'll not bother you. Please don't abandon me, not after you made me believe that you care.

 

Heechul