Hyung, last night I heard Kevin hyung talking to Kwanghee hyung about a phone conversation he had with you. You're not happy because you were the last to know about him being in a drama and kept asking since when he had been keeping it from you. Sometimes you're just too inquisitive hyung. It's not that Kevin hyung didn't want to let you know, it's just that you're so busy all the time that you could hardly find a day to be home lately. I miss seeing you at home, practicing your singing or violin. Even your violin looked so lonely now. Do you know that, hyung?

 

Well, since you're so curious about such a trivial thing...you must be wondering too since when I have been keeping this feelings for you. Would you? Or no?

 

To be honest......I don't know exactly when too....so, you'd be better off not knowing anything since you'd probably end up pestering me with questions I couldn't answer.

 

but I remember the time I started to see you as a different person. It's like...I'm seeing everything with a new pair of eyes. I never really made an effort to watch somebody closely, because that feels creepy and stalkerish. Until...I was ordered to do so, by that very person who commanded to be watched - you.

 

It was the time we did the UCC video together during our predebut time, with Hyungsikkie, not too long before we debut. I wouldn't lie -  during our first group-meeting, I was really annoyed. At that time, I overheard Junyoung and Kwanghee hyung's conversation about the meeting you had with Junyoung and Kevin hyung, about choosing team mates. So I wasn't your first choice, and I guessed you only agreed to have me because Kevin hyung and Junyoung were just more aggressive in getting what they wanted than the backbone-less you. That was my thought at that time. It was after all, a mission that only concerned the three of you since you're the ones in the running to become our leader, and we're just the helpers in your mission. 

 

So, why should I work my off for someone who didn't want me in the first place? I kept asking that question to myself, while watching you and Hyungsik joking around. He was, your first choice after all.

 

You didn't even asked for my opinion during that 15 minutes, and after that, you simply left. Huh, is this somebody I wanted to support as a leader? No thanks. I wanted to leave too, and just go back to our dorm and tuck myself under the blanket. But Hyungsikkie told me not to go anywhere because the meeting wasn't over yet. How so? How come he knew and I didn't? You hated me that much right? I knew you didn't like me from the beginning.

 

After about five angsty minutes, you came back and placed a piece of paper clipped onto a white clipboard into my hands and slipped a pen in between my fingers. I also noticed the only other thing you're holding was a can of coke, and even that was shoved to me. I did not understand what was happening or why did you gave me those things. As if that wasn't shocking enough, you lifted your palm to touch my forehead bfore confirming to yourself aloud that "Thank God he's not sick."

 

Before I could ask for any clarification, you immediately shoved an answer.

 

 

After you finished talking, only did I noticed you're still huffing and puffing, and began to wipe the drenching sweat streaming down from your forehead. You had been running hadn't you? Because of me? At that time, you manage to made me feel so guilty out of a sudden that I couldn't even lift my face up to look at you. I was so embarassed of my own earlier thoughts of you.

 

Maybe, I didn't know who you really were after all.

 

It was embarrassing to say it to you at that time, but...thank you, hyung....for making a little space in your heart to worry about me. (I'm being so unbelievably cheesy now I could die x_x) It might mean nothing to you since you're just a little angel who cares about everyone. But for someone who was always shoved to the side, or pretty much ignored most of the time, or not regarded as someone who has his weakness and vulnerabilities, it was the grandest act of care I've ever  received.

 

---

 

The next day when we went shopping for props, you handed me a camera and told me to "Be the most important person."

 

I knew you're talking about the camera person and all. But when you said that with your twinkling eyes and kindergarten kid-smile, I think I just got burned there and then. I felt so confused. It'd be rude to not return your friendly gesture, but it sure felt awkward as hell to return the same kind of smile to you. Why did you treat me so nice all of a sudden, hyung? Why? You knew being all cheery didn't fit my style. I was cold, it's the persona I've been playing right from the beginning. Why didn't you kept being cold to me as well? I didn't mind frowning my whole life. Uhm, okay, it does get tiring to be angry and pulling off a tight face all the time, but...I never really thought much of it.

 

From behind the camera lense, I began seeing you under a whole new different layer. The way you cared for us like we're your children- you brought us to eat using your money and you didn't even eat anything at all..instead, you kept on working and left midway to settle more arrangements on your own. Doesn't that what parents do? The way you take small details into consideration, and how instead of choosing to produce a trendy video like Junyoung's team or tough and cool video like Kevin hyung, you chose a simple heartwarming theme that involved people on the streets and you kept on wanting to focus on things that would bring smile and laughter to people's face. I asked you just out of curiosity if that was more important than impressing viewers to give you their vote with a sleek video. You simple said "Yes" and didn't explain any further. To be honest, I thought your concept of the video was lame and wished I could be in another team with cooler ideas...until that very moment. Suddenly you made me curious of what would it felt to make a stranger smile. 

 

After you disappeared for about half an hour, running around with probably only your responsibilities occupying your mind, and letting us - your crews finish our meal comfortably(you could never be a Boss with that attitude, hyung..just sayin'), you finally came back and brought us to the wedding studio. I really hope you had forgotten about it. You don't remember anymore, right, hyung? I really hope not. I could not believe I let you turn me into a girl, and if that's not bad enough, you had to make me wear a wedding dress and being a bride to that..stupid kid. Why not with you hyung? Aish....forget I said that. You're prettier than I am, way prettier. How is that possible for someone to be so handsome and beautiful at the same time? When you fell down laughing your off, and tried to make me feel better by saying it was because I was too pretty, I felt really mad. You're obviously making fun of me. Even Hyungsik pretended to hit on me after seeing how funny I looked in that dress. Okay, I'll keep regarding him hitting on me as a joke, because how creepy it'd be if he was serious? That erted underaged punk. Even seeing the way he acts around Kevin hyung now creeps me out. And do you know how dreadful it was to wear a wedding dress in front of you? It's worse enough that I'd been feeling so confused eversince we started working closely on our little video project. 

 

And again, you twisted my feelings just so casually. After I changed back to my own clothes and got rid of that horrid gown, you're waiting just outside the changing room.

 

 

Just the way you earnestly delivered the simple line without any joking hints this time, was enough to make me flustered. Before I could think of a reply to not make the situation even more awkward, you suddenly leaned in closer and brought your thumb forward and brushed it on my lips.

 

 

You laughed.

 

Did you know what were you doing to me, hyung? Didn't you? 

 

Even until today, I could still remember how your cold thumb felt on my lips. And it was for that reason, until today..I had never complained again and always voluntered to act as a girl or do girlgroup dances. No naughty intentions hyung, just...to relive the memories.

 

---

 

I shouldn't be surprised though, when you asked Hyungsik to invite his parents to be a part of the shooting. We both knew Hyungsik had been sleeptalking, calling for his mom and dad and even cried in his sleep. He's always been a crybaby afterall. But this is the path we all chose and so none of us complained about not getting to meet our parents. I didn't feel angry when you chose to give Hyungsik that special treatment. Oddly, I felt proud of you, though you seemed to felt guilty when you came to me and placed a hand on my shoulder, asking if I was okay. You didn't elaborate on 'okay' about what..but you knew I understood, didn't you? You even prepared a nice suit for me to look presentable, though honestly, you practically just blinded the whole hall, even in just a simple all-black suit. Hyung, you could just wear rags and still look the handsomest, you know that don't you? You don't need to try hard to be a fashionista. You're born as one. When you walked into the hall clad in your black suit, I was totally dumbstruck, and not even bothering to ask myself for the reason because was it even important to ask for a reason when I could spend forever just staring at you without having to carry the burden of thinking for a reason to do so? 

 

But to answer your question, of course I was okay. Hyungsik got to spend time with his omma and appa. And I...I got to spend time just with you, in your own little world, hidden behind the camera lense as we captured our gigantic silly maknae's moments with his parents. At that time, just being next to you, hearing you babble-explained about the angles, the scene's significance and bla bla that I couldn't really concentrate on - it felt like time stopped moving, and nothing else mattered. How could you expect me to hear anything else anyway, when you're standing that close next to me? Okay...so I was the one who closed the gap, but it wasn't intentional, hyung, really. You're the one who called me to monitor your camera work together. I swear I'm not smirking now, hyung! Gahhh. Stop accusing me, will you? (okay, just practicing being overdramatic here, to be a good entertainer like Kwanghee hyung^^)

 

I was still unsatisfied that after a mere few seconds of such oddly blissful moments, you drove me away to be filmed with Hyungsikkie's parents? What the hell was that about, hyung? Why should I be bothered with his parents? I had parents too. No big deal. One moment, you pulled me closer than anyone had ever dared to, you treated me in a way that threw me into all sorts of confusion towards my own self, and the next second just when I started to confront and figuring out my feelings, you pushed me away. What did you expect from me actually, hyung? I wish I could confront you with that question. But will you answer me? 

 

When I had to handle the camera while you and Hyungsik sang, if only you knew how hard it was for my hand to not shook and messed up the filming. Please don't ever ask me to film something again while singing next to me, don't even ask me to do that if you're standing next to me. But I'd be happy to hold the camera filming you. Because then I'd have the comfort of watching you freely to my heart's content without being judged, from behind the camera lense. Why else did you think I voluntered to be the camera person the final filming night when you gathered all our members to sing together and play fireworks? You always love fireworks, didn't you, hyung?

 

---

 

When I woke up the next morning, it felt so surreal to think back of how the past few days went by. I pondered to myself, on how to act around you. Have we become closer than before? Could we be considered friends now after all we went through the filming? Would you come to me with a can of coke or pick a suit for me to wear or wipe leftover makeup off my face? I was so curious. I was scared to find out the answer, but I wanted to know, needed to. So, after washing my face, I immediately went down to the cafeteria where you're already seated and chatting with Kwanghee hyung, Hyungsikkie and Dongjunnie. You looked up towards the doorway where I stood with heart punding in anxiety,....and then you reverted your attention back to them, continued chatting as if you never saw me standing there, not even a small smile or nod. 

 

 

So, nothing changed afterall huh, hyung? I was still not your first choice.