Chapter summary: Chanyeol regrets not letting go of Baekhyun after losing him.

 

 

✨✨✨

 

 

“I think you should go home. It’s getting late.”

Baekhyun quickly runs a hand through his hair in an attempt to look neat and pulls on his dress shirt to straighten it out. He smiles at the newcomer and shakes his head, then proceeds to work on his laptop again.

“Maybe later, Hyeran.” He replies, eyes still focused on the screen. “I still have to finish this.”

The woman takes the seat in front of his office desk, looking rather unamused with the way her hands are crossed over her chest.

“You can play solitaire at home, Baek.”

He sighs, closing his laptop screen and reaching out for his phone instead, staring at the green blinking light on top of the screen indicating he has unread messages and probably unanswered calls. Baekhyun unlocks his phone and sees that they were indeed from his husband just as he has guessed.

Hyeran watches him as he turns his phone off and places it back on his desk again.

“Let me guess, you had a fight with your husband again?”

Baekhyun stares at the ring on his finger as his mind wanders back to the argument they had last night. He still doesn’t understand what made Chanyeol so angry about it. He saved a friend from being potentially harassed, and it wasn’t like he went home with serious injuries in his body, so why is Chanyeol making a big deal out of it?

He understands that his husband is just concerned and got mad out of worry. But must they really argue about it?

Actually, he’s rephrasing his question: why is Chanyeol making a big deal out of everything that involves Hyeran?

It was not the first time his husband implied something that he never considered doing.

Baekhyun has been told that he is a little on the extroversion side of the spectrum, and he agrees to it as well because he likes making friends everywhere. After all, being friendly is one of the reasons why he became close with Chanyeol back in the day; he was the one who made the first move.

And so Baekhyun can’t seem to understand no matter how he tries why his husband is doubting his friends at work.

He admits that at first, it was cute. Seeing Chanyeol jealous, although he never intended to make him feel so, is a sight he enjoys seeing before because the other man becomes all soft and clingy and it’s a side of his husband that he rarely sees. 

It even once crossed his mind to intentionally make Chanyeol jealous just to see his husband all over him again, but Baekhyun never did because he’s never hurt his husband on purpose.

He never will.

It was cute because of his husband’s antics and because it was harmless—even Baekhyun has his fair share of being jealous of Chanyeol's colleagues and admirers but jealousy is something they have never fought about in those six years they've been together. 

Not like this; not like his husband’s issue with Hyeran that makes him refuse to talk to Baekhyun until morning.

Baekhyun looks at Hyeran and almost considers telling her that most of their arguments involve her, but decides not to because Hyeran has nothing to do with their relationship. Chanyeol is just being childish and he really couldn’t understand why.

Instead, Baekhyun tells her something he himself has never expected to say.

“You’re divorced, right?”

Baekhyun stares at the bump on Hyeran’s stomach and it disgusts and saddens him at the same time. The baby will grow up without a father.

Her ex-husband should at least take responsibility for the baby financially.

“When did you know that your marriage is over?”

He only realizes the weight of his words after they have rolled off his tongue.

Ah, there it is: the suppressed frustrations and the bottled feelings.

How ironic that he is opening up to the person his husband tells him to avoid as much as possible.

“Baek…” Hyeran looks at him with something in her eyes that Baekhyun couldn’t quite figure out. “Oh my gosh, what happened?”

It was strange. Hyeran’s tone sounded so worried yet her eyes looked like they held a glint of excitement in them.

Baekhyun ignores it. Maybe his husband is rubbing off of him; he is also imagining things now.

He shakes his head. “Nothing, it’s just…” 

Hyeran waits for him to continue, Baekhyun isn’t sure if it is right to tell another person of his feelings first before his husband.

Baekhyun decides that he doesn’t have the energy to have another argument with his husband at home. It will surely hurt Chanyeol, and he doesn’t know the right words to say to console a husband who is angry at him for not knowing what to answer to his question last night.

He should probably sort his thoughts out first.

Perhaps Hyeran could help.

“Our relationship seems to be changing.” Baekhyun covers his face with his palms because if he doesn’t, he will break down right then and there after acknowledging the situation that he tried so hard to deny with himself. “It’s different from before.”

“Of course it would be.” Hyeran tells him. “You’ve been together for a long time. You can’t expect things to be the same as it was before.”

Baekhyun wishes that Hyeran didn’t hear the sob that escaped his mouth. “But I don’t think it benefits us. We rarely fight back then, but now we fight even over the most trivial things.”

He wasn’t exaggerating.

Their arguments became frequent ever since Hyeran came into the picture and sometimes Baekhyun regrets letting the two of them meet. He doesn’t understand because things have always been like that; it was like some kind of unspoken rule to introduce his friends to Chanyeol and vice versa and it hasn’t been a problem ever since because they tell each other everything.

Chanyeol even knows that his boss’s friend is engaged because he told him about it and Baekhyun knows that his husband’s coworker’s puppy just died last week because they know everything about each other like that.

And so it shouldn’t be a big deal when Baekhyun introduces Hyeran to Chanyeol as the woman recently became one of his closest friends after being transferred to their department because his husband knows all of his friends at work. He’s even met most of them and bonds with Jongdae and Taeyeon over video games at times. 

But somehow, Hyeran became a sensitive topic, mostly being the subject of an argument.

‘What kind of friend texts you until midnight when you literally see each other everyday at work, Baek?’ is what Chanyeol always tells him whenever he catches Baekhyun replying to Hyeran’s messages on the phone and he doesn’t know what to do. 

He doesn’t want to seem rude by not replying, and so he stops telling his husband who texted him whenever he receives a message—especially if it’s from Hyeran—because he’s so tired of their endless bickering. Baekhyun just takes it as a sign to stop using his phone the moment Chanyeol asks.

Baekhyun only snaps out of his reverie when he hears Hyeran speak.

“Maybe you’re getting bored with your relationship. You know, the thrill and sparks and all that .” Hyeran taps her fingers on the desk as she shrugs. “Have you considered having a child?”

A child.

Even thinking of it feels taboo to Baekhyun.

They have once fantasized about being parents as a joke back then. They’ve imagined things like who’s going to be the strict parent who always wants the room clean and who would be the parent that overfeeds the child with ice cream and lets them get away with everything. They never took it seriously as they’re usually just side comments whenever they see children in the dramas or movies they watch.

Baekhyun has always wanted to be a parent. Hell, it was one of his dreams for Chanyeol to be the future father of his kids. He even told him this back in college, but he would never force Chanyeol into being someone he doesn’t want to become in the first place.

Chanyeol also made it clear back then that he doesn’t want a child.

“Chanyeol never wanted kids.” He answers, feeling his heart break a little at the statement. “He made it clear before we even started dating.”

“And that was what? Eight, nine years ago? He might have changed his mind by now.”

Baekhyun doesn’t know what to say. He never considered Chanyeol changing his mind about the topic because his husband has always been consistent with his outlook in life. 

Maybe Hyeran is right. Having a child could probably strengthen their relationship.

After all, what would be a better assurance than having your own family with your partner?

Baekhyun nods. 

“Alright. I’ll talk to him about it.”

 

✨✨✨

 

He drops Hyeran off at the bus station first before driving to the bakery to buy Chanyeol’s favorite cake. He initially thought of driving the pregnant woman home to make sure she’s safe, but his conscience was bugging him the whole time they were walking towards his car and he doesn’t even know why.

Baekhyun feels like being torn between two things he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

He is not doing something wrong, but it somehow feels like he’s betraying the man waiting for him at home the more he spends time thinking of Hyeran’s safety.

Ah, maybe that was it. He is spending time with the person who causes most of their fights.

But Chanyeol has to understand. Hyeran is a friend.

His husband really should put a little more faith in him because Baekhyun is slowly getting offended every time they fight about Hyeran.

When Baekhyun comes home, he sees Chanyeol sleeping on the couch and his heart hurts at the sight.

His husband was waiting for him to come home while he even considered driving another person home.

After placing the cake on the glass table, Baekhyun walks towards his husband and plants a kiss on his forehead. 

He has a lot to make up to.

Hooking both of his hands under Chanyeol’s back and the back of his thighs, he carries him bridal to their room and notices the change in his husband’s weight.

Chanyeol is heavy; that’s a given because of his height and big frame. It’s usually hard for Baekhyun to carry him like this, but it now almost feels like his husband lost half of his weight as he carries him with unexpected ease.

Baekhyun fights back a sob as he gently places his husband down the bed, running a hand through his husband’s hair before leaning in and placing a kiss on the crown of his head.

“Oh god…” It was barely a whisper yet Baekhyun’s voice still cracked as his husband’s scent invaded his system. Chanyeol’s scent became unfamiliar to him even when he smells exactly like before and he realizes how much he misses his husband.

The presence that was once his home is slowly becoming unfamiliar to him and Baekhyun doesn’t know what to feel as it dawns upon him all at once. 

What have they become?

It feels like being on the edge of something that isn’t supposed to be there.

They were slowly losing touch and Baekhyun is forgetting how his husband’s hands felt in his.

Chanyeol stirs in his sleep and Baekhyun unconsciously reaches out for his husband’s left hand, right where he’s wearing his wedding ring.

He doesn’t want to forget. 

As he looks at his husband, Chanyeol feels so, so far despite being just inches away from Baekhyun—despite having his husband’s hand in his grasp.

“I—” 

I love you , is what Baekhyun wanted to say. But as Chanyeol’s eyelids slowly flutter open and the bags under his eyes become more prominent, he unknowingly bites his tongue back.

Baekhyun is not even sure if he still has the right to tell his husband that now.

Saying those three words to someone you have neglected so much without knowing seems disrespectful.

Chanyeol stares at him without saying anything, and Baekhyun’s conscience only swallows him whole as he couldn’t read his husband’s mind anymore like before.

He will fix this. They will fix this.

They will get through this.

Baekhyun remembers Hyeran’s suggestion.

“Let’s have a child.”

Chanyeol slowly turns his back on him and Baekhyun starts explaining as he gently pulls his husband back to face him again.

“Yeol, look.” Baekhyun sighs as he takes his husband’s hand again, softly kissing his knuckles. “Whatever this is that’s happening between us, we’re obviously not okay, and maybe—maybe time is taking its toll on our marriage.”

His husband stays silent, waiting for Baekhyun to continue.

“And I thought… Maybe having a family—a child—could strengthen our relationship again.”

Chanyeol laughs as if Baekhyun said something so ridiculous and the latter feels his chest constrict. He has never heard Chanyeol sound like this in all those years they have shared together and it scares Baekhyun that the man he knows like the back of his hand is slowly turning into a stranger.

It scares him so much, more than he’d ever like to admit.

“This… whatever this is between us,” It was sarcastic, but Baekhyun’s heart hurts at the implication of the mess they have become. “Is this not a family to you? Am I not a family to you?”

Baekhyun panics as his heart now hurts for his husband.

“No, baby, I don’t mean it like that—”

“You want another relationship to handle when you can’t even fix your relationship with your husband.”

He opens his mouth only to close it again.

Chanyeol was right. It was a cowardly move, covering up a situation with a bigger one and hoping that the problem will just be forgotten in time instead of fixing it.

But the bigger problem is, Baekhyun doesn’t even know what to fix—he doesn’t even know what their problem is.

If it were really just time taking its toll on their relationship, then it’s… inevitable.

There is nothing to fix.

But there should be. Baekhyun feels like there should be because his relationship with his husband isn’t getting any better and he just wants them to get past this.

He misses his husband so much.

Where did they even go wrong?

“Chanyeollie…” 

Baekhyun calls out for his husband and it sounded like a silent prayer and a distant memory at the same time. 

“What happened to us?”

He doesn’t know what to do.

“I should be asking you that, Baek.”

Baekhyun hates what he’s seeing. He hates seeing his husband cry but he can’t even wipe his tears away because he knows he’s the reason behind them and it hurts so much to just watch Chanyeol cradling his head in his hands as if seeing Baekhyun only hurts him more.

Baekhyun hates that he feels so, so lost in the presence of his home .

Chanyeol raises his head and looks at Baekhyun with his tear-stained eyes.

“What happened to you ?”

Baekhyun’s hand twitches as he watches his husband angrily wiping the tears falling down his cheeks with the back of his hand. 

That should be his job. That should’ve been him wiping those tears away.

“Do you like Hyeran that much that you’re so willing to let us fall apart instead of removing her in your life?”

Baekhyun sighs at his husband’s outburst. Are they seriously fighting about her again?

“, Yeol, again?” Exhaling a shaky breath, he forces himself to calm down. Chanyeol is crying. Getting angry won’t help. “What does she have to do with any of this, really—”

“Because she is our problem!” Chanyeol shouts, fists shaking in anger as if he was holding it in for too long and is still trying to do so until now. “I ing swear, Baekhyun, she’s going to ruin what little is left of our relationship if you still let her cling to you like she’s your other lover.”

Baekhyun shakes his head. He couldn’t believe what his husband was saying. He knows that Chanyeol is doubting him, has even implied it once, but to actually hear it in words that Chanyeol thinks he’s cheating on him only made Baekhyun angrier.

Chanyeol doesn’t trust him.

“What are you even saying? She’s a friend, Yeol!” Baekhyun raises his voice out of frustration. His partner of six years doesn’t trust him enough to let go of this issue. “You weren’t like this before, what happened to you?”

Before Chanyeol could even answer, Baekhyun spoke again.

“Ah, is this because my brother cheated on you that you think I’ll do the same?”

A wrong move. Baekhyun knows he shouldn’t have said that because it has always been a sensitive topic to Chanyeol, but that is what makes him mad about it.

If Chanyeol has moved on from his brother, then why is he still affected by it?

His husband looks offended. “Wow, Baekhyun—”

“Why do I have to suffer the consequences of the things I didn’t even do?”

After more than six years, Baekhyun finally lets it out.

“You…” Baekhyun sighs as the tears he tried to keep at bay starts flowing down his cheeks. “You wanted me to be the keeper of your broken things… and I did, because I can love you that much—because I can love you that much I’m willing to hold every part of you.”

The first time it happened was when Baekhyun came home at almost midnight.

The traffic was heavy that night, and Baekhyun was unable to reply to Chanyeol’s messages as he accidentally slept throughout the whole commute. They were still in college back then. Baekhyun has decided not to use his car anymore when he started dating Chanyeol as it was previously his brother’s. 

A little sacrifice for his boyfriend’s peace of mind. Not that Chanyeol knew anyway.

Baekhyun moved in with Chanyeol after a year of dating. He has always found his boyfriend’s place convenient as it was near the university, but it wasn’t until they were both in their last year of college that Chanyeol agreed to being his roommate because he knows Baekhyun will insist on splitting bills and he didn’t want that.

Chanyeol wanted to provide for Baekhyun if his boyfriend were to live with him, but the latter managed to convince him because the pay from his new part-time job will not really suffice for two mouths to feed.

Baekhyun wasn’t born rich, but at least he had his parents to support him financially back then unlike Chanyeol. He didn’t want to live off of him and be a burden.

When Baekhyun steps into their shared apartment that night, he is met with an anxious-looking Chanyeol.

He asked him what was wrong, and it took the whole night for Chanyeol to tell him what he truly feels—that he thought of Baekhyun leaving and disposing him like what his brother did.

It pained Baekhyun to be wrongly accused based on his brother’s doings, but he had let it slide, because it wouldn’t compare to the pain his brother gave Chanyeol.

Baekhyun once thought that Chanyeol doubting him was a one time thing since he has never failed in assuring his now-husband of how important he is to Baekhyun. He’s also never done anything that would make Chanyeol doubt him.

“But Chanyeol, I—”

Oh how wrong he was.

“—I’m not strong enough to carry around wars that don’t belong to me. At least not alone...” 

Baekhyun finally breaks into a sob because he was so tired of pretending everything is still okay. 

“I know I promised you won’t be alone; that I’d go through it with you. But I needed your help too, Yeol.”

Chanyeol isn’t questioning his every move and he was very grateful for that because he knows how hard it must be for his husband. But everytime he doubts Baekhyun, he has a hard time getting over it. Chanyeol’s words cut deep most of the time, but he has always thought that it’s okay.

It wasn’t Chanyeol’s fault that it was hard for him to trust a person anymore, so it’s okay, even if it pains Baekhyun to face the consequences of the actions that weren’t his.

It’s okay, because Baekhyun knows there is something in that pain that was worth it.

(And it’s Chanyeol.)

His husband extends a hand towards him, contemplating if he should touch Baekhyun as if he’d break more the moment his fingers brush against his husband’s face.

“Love… I-I didn’t know… I’m sorry...”

But Baekhyun—he has been patient with his husband for years and he finally admits not only to himself but also to Chanyeol that he’s tired of the lingering ghost of his husband’s past and Baekhyun feels so empty that wants to scream because—

Because how do you love now in times like these?

“Why can’t you trust me, Yeol?” Baekhyun takes the hand nearing his face and holds tight on it because it somehow feels like this would be the last time. “Why can’t you trust me just this once and let this ing issue go?”

His husband closes his eyes shut and shakes his head.

“Because… the way you look at Hyeran—” 

Chanyeol chokes on a sob as if the next words he’s going to say will break him to the core.

“—that’s exactly how you look at me back then.”

Baekhyun’s silence was deafening. 

Chanyeol stands up from the bed only to fall on his knees on the floor while Baekhyun only stands there looking more distant than ever. He hates the look on his husband’s face— Chanyeol hates how Baekhyun looks like he’s realizing something instead of feeling accused.

Chanyeol hates how Baekhyun doesn’t lie to him when he needs him to.

“What happens now, Baekhyun?” He asks without wanting to hear the answer. “You still won’t even try to defend yourself?”

He hates it; Chanyeol hates everything that is happening between them and he hates that he doesn’t even know who to blame.

Chanyeol hates it so ing much that he couldn’t even blame Baekhyun for liking someone else because the voices in his head say it was his fault for not being enough that his husband looked for the things he lacks of in another person.

“I’m sorry, Yeol.”

Baekhyun’s apology was what made Chanyeol reach his breaking point.

“No, Baekhyun!” He looks like a mess in front of his husband; he was screaming with his face wet with sweat and tears—the exact situation Baekhyun promised him he’ll never put him into. “I don’t need an apology! I need you to tell me I am wrong!”

The fact that Baekhyun never went to his side to hold him and wipe his tears away like he normally does should have been enough of an indication that he was right.

Oh how Chanyeol wishes he was never right.

“If… If I were to make you choose between me and her,” Chanyeol hopes he still sounds coherent because he doesn’t know if he could ever repeat what he’s about to say.

“Y-You’d choose me, right?”

Baekhyun closes his eyes as he shakes his head and Chanyeol prays so hard that it wasn’t his husband’s answer.

“You don’t deserve to be one of the options, Chanyeol.” 

He momentarily forgets that Baekhyun is crying as well, but he can’t get himself to wipe those tears away.

Not when his heart aches for the man who is breaking his heart too.

“You deserve to be the only choice.”

HIs husband’s answer reminded Chanyeol that he isn’t new to heartbreaks.

He has had his heart broken ever since he was young. It was his parents who first broke his heart, whoever they may be, he had no idea as he grew up in an orphanage and the only thing he knows is that he was left to die somewhere on the street in a cardboard box and fortunately, the orphanage’s security guard sees him on his way to work and brings Chanyeol with him.

It was the first crack in his heart—that his parents didn’t choose him as their son.

Chanyeol spent his teenage years at the orphanage. No one wanted to adopt him; most of the couples looking for a child wanted a newborn that he once wondered why he wasn’t adopted when he was that age, and some of them wanted daughters.

He had to leave the orphanage when he turned eighteen. Chanyeol was never chosen among the kids he grew up with who were eventually adopted one by one.

Another crack. Chanyeol had to leave the place he called home because he doesn't even belong there to begin with.

He had Baekbeom too, the man who he had thought to be his refuge after trying to go home his whole life.

But in the end, Chanyeol should have known that he is someday bound to leave his home. It was his fate—to be just another option.

Really, Chanyeol should have, but he couldn’t accept the fact that he might actually end up experiencing the same pain with Baekhyun.

If Baekhyun leaves him, he wouldn’t just be another crack in Chanyeol’s heart. He will break him into pieces.

“T-then please—”

And Chanyeol will always long for Baekhyun with all the broken fragments of what used to be his heart.

“—make me your only choice, Baek.”

Chanyeol isn’t new to heartbreaks, but this pain is new to him that it physically hurts. 

It’s not just a sting in his chest. The pain creeps up from his ribs to his shoulders. Then it feels as if being punched in the gut but the pain shoots up straight to his jaws he can feel it ringing in his ears. He can’t even move his neck now because it hurts so much.

Chanyeol couldn’t talk. It felt like having something sitting in his heart that is wanting to come out of his mouth but all he can do is clutch on his stomach with his numbing hands.

He was so scared of everything that was happening; Chanyeol thought for a moment he really might die from the pain he’s feeling.

Baekhyun notices his husband trembling and it was the only time he quickly rushed to his side.

“Chanyeol—h-hey—baby, breathe with me okay?”

Chanyeol was losing the color in his face and so Baekhyun placed a finger under his nose.

He wasn’t breathing.

“—Yeol—breathe with me please?” He cradles Chanyeol’s face with one hand while the other rubs on his husband’s back. “Can you hear me? Follow my voice, okay? Inhale…”

Baekhyun gently pushes a hand against Chanyeol’s chest, and does the same on his back seconds after. “Exhale…”

He was panicking and his mind was going blank, but Baekhyun managed to keep on doing the same thing over and over until he could feel Chanyeol finally breathing on his own.

“T-that’s it, good job, Yeol.” Baekhyun envelopes him with his arms and holds on to him tightly. “You did well. You did so well, baby.”

Chanyeol lifts his gaze up to him, looking disoriented. “Baekhyun—”

“Shh.” Baekhyun plants a kiss on his husband’s lips which he quickly regrets after. He doesn't want to lead Chanyeol on anymore when he can’t even understand his own feelings. “Tomorrow, okay? We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

He guides Chanyeol back to the bed, wiping his face with the back of his hands and pulling the man to lie down with him. Chanyeol instantly wraps a hand around Baekhyun’s waist and buries his face on his husband’s chest despite being a head taller than him.

Baekhyun’s heart aches yet again. This is the man he loves—the man he was and still is willing to spend the rest of his life with, but he doesn’t understand why the other half of him is now yearning for another person’s warmth.

He closes his eyes and embraces his husband back.

Baekhyun prays to whoever is up there for tomorrow not to come.

 

✨✨✨

 

They never talked about it.

A week has passed since the night Chanyeol confronted his husband, and he was waiting for Baekhyun to bring the topic up again first thing in the morning. He would be lying to himself if he says that he’s prepared for it because he’s not; he will never be. God knows how much he dreaded waking up the next day but he knows there was no turning back from the mess they have become.

What he wasn’t expecting, however, was for Baekhyun to take a leave from work and spend the next few days spoiling him with everything he likes without clearing things up as if nothing happened between them.

Chanyeol woke up that morning with a flower lying next to him where Baekhyun was supposed to be. Where or how his husband managed to get that, he never bothered to know, not when the first thought that came to his mind was if the flower was truly for him or was he just being an outlet again for his husband’s affection towards her .

He laughs as he remembers how Baekhyun’s kisses felt like they were tailored for another person.

(For Hyeran.)

He was met with the sight of his husband cooking in the kitchen as he stepped out of their room with the flower at hand. Baekhyun smiles at him and tells him to eat that Chanyeol wonders if everything that happened the night before was only a dream.

But the reflection of his face on the mirror tells him it wasn’t.

Chanyeol places the flower on the table as he takes a seat, then pushes it towards Baekhyun who is sitting in front of him.

“Take it.”

Baekhyun frowns before pushing the flower back and putting Chanyeol’s hand on top of it. “But I bought it for you. You don’t like daffodils anymore?”

Chanyeol wants to laugh and so he does, but it sounded more like a restrained cry.

He likes plumerias.

“I never liked them.” He smiles at his husband despite feeling the sting in his eyes again. “I didn’t even know that’s what a daffodil looks like.”

“Oh,” Baekhyun avoids his gaze as he blinks rapidly, probably thinking of how to change the topic. He takes a piece of bacon with his hand and attempts to feed Chanyeol. “H-here. I managed not to burn them this time.”

Chanyeol sighs and gently pushes Baekhyun’s hand away from him. He doesn’t know whether or not Baekhyun is trying to lighten up the mood before continuing their talk from last night, and if he is, then his husband is truly heartless for lifting him up just to drop him down the cold ground later.

“Baekhyun, you don’t have to do this, just get straight to it—”

“I missed you.”

Ah, his husband is truly heartless for knowing how to get him wrapped around his finger.

And Chanyeol is stupid for willingly allowing it to happen.

“Me too.”

It has been their setup for the whole week: Baekhyun spoiling him at home the moment he wakes up then takes him out on dates in the afternoon. Then when the night comes, his husband will cuddle him to sleep without talking about that night and the new routine continues.

It made Chanyeol restless, knowing something yet not knowing everything about his husband’s feelings. What is this that they are doing? As much as it breaks him to admit, Baekhyun likes someone else now, so what is this game he’s playing with Chanyeol?

Chanyeol couldn’t appreciate his husband’s efforts for the past few days because he’s afraid of the reason behind all those. 

Is this charity work for Baekhyun? Were they all done out of guilt—of pity and conscience—because he was doing what his brother did to Chanyeol?

It crosses his mind for a moment that maybe he was exaggerating. Baekhyun did not cheat on him intentionally—hell, his husband wouldn’t even realize his feelings if Chanyeol didn’t tell him. It wasn’t like they were doing things beyond texting and falling in love behind his back, right?

Baekhyun is not like that and he knows this because he is his husband. He will never hurt anyone intentionally, especially not Chanyeol.

Chanyeol wants to punch himself in the face. Is he really tolerating his husband’s affair as long as they weren’t having ?

He wants to laugh at the person he has become, justifying cheating because it wasn’t done on purpose—just because it’s Baekhyun. But then, it’s hard not to.

His husband is the kindest person he knows.

But he’s not the same as his husband. Intentionally or not, Chanyeol is still hurting. 

He needs answers now, and he will get it from Baekhyun even if it hurts his husband.

Running away isn’t going to fix anything; Chanyeol learned this the hard way. He had let the little things with Hyeran slide—the constant messaging and the woman’s clinginess that is getting offensive—just so he and Baekhyun wouldn't fight and Chanyeol later realized how wrong it was because it cost him his peace of mind.

After letting things slide to maintain their relationship, it slowly destroyed him on the inside.

It cost him his husband too, seeing how he had actually let Baekhyun stray from him by not keeping him close to his side just because he doesn’t want to make him feel suffocated.

They were lying on the bed in the same position they were in the night they argued when Chanyeol decided he'd had enough.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

Baekhyun’s hold became tighter, as if his husband would disappear within his grasp when in reality it was Chanyeol who was slowly losing him.

“I’m making it up to you.” Baekhyun’s tone was firm, yet Chanyeol noticed the lack of confidence in it. “I’m making things right.”

Chanyeol doesn’t think this was the right choice—that he was the right choice. 

“Are you?”

“I’m trying to.” His husband admits, not quite catching the other question lining Chanyeol’s reply. “Hugging you like this feels right. Being your husband feels right.”

He shakes his head with a little difficulty as Baekhyun is literally pushing Chanyeol’s head against his chest. “But that’s not what you want. I’m not what you want.”

“Baby—”

“What you want is a family. A child.” 

Chanyeol bites on his lower lip because he really doesn’t want to cry tonight over the same thing he’s cried about for days. He keeps on telling himself that it shouldn’t hurt that much by now. “A-and Hyeran can give you that. I can’t.” 

Every word uttered is like a knife stabbing his chest, but Chanyeol had to say it, because Baekhyun wouldn’t.

What his husband will feed him are lies, even maybe to himself; Baekhyun will comfort them both with a lie.

“I don’t want one if it’s not with you.” The kiss on the top of his head feels heavy. “We can fix this, Yeol. We’ll be okay. Let’s do that, hm?”

Just like that.

He wanted to believe Baekhyun’s words too. Chanyeol wanted to be fooled by his husband’s words as much as they were fooling Baekhyun himself. But he knows the man too well.

Six years of being together tends to do that for you. You’ll get to know your partner like the back of your hand. You’ll pick up on the little things they do. On their habits. On their mannerisms. On how they look when they’re happy, sad, or angry.

Or when they’re falling out of love.

Chanyeol hates it that he knows Baekhyun a little too much.

And he hates it even more that Baekhyun knows too little of him because he believes Chanyeol when he nods.

“Okay.”

Baekhyun heaves a sigh of relief. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

Chanyeol hates himself the most for settling; for letting things slide yet again because he realizes it actually doesn’t matter as long as it’s him who Baekhyun goes home to everyday. 

It doesn’t matter if Baekhyun's heart is now owned by someone else because his mind is owned by Chanyeol. His husband thinks he belongs with him—to him. He thinks Chanyeol is the right choice.

Chanyeol hates it that he’s willing to turn a blind eye as Baekhyun cheats because he knows he'll never be able to give him children.

 

✨✨✨

 

“Chanyeol.”

The said man finds himself frozen as he opens the front door. He knows his knuckles are turning white from gripping the doorknob too hard and he also knows that he probably looked like he has seen a ghost, but Chanyeol couldn’t find it in himself to care even if the person in front of him is currently laughing at the look on his face.

He didn’t bother attempting to look composed anymore, not when the universe is probably laughing at him too—at how foolish Chanyeol is to have faith in the happiness that will eventually be taken away from him.

Just as Chanyeol thought everything was going to be okay since yesterday, the demise of his hopes and dreams stands before him.

“Hyeran.”

The woman chuckles again. “Relax. You look like I’m about to kill you.”

Chanyeol thinks for a moment that killing him would’ve been better than taking his husband away from him, because at least in that way, the blame would be on Hyeran. He will have someone to blame for what will happen to him.

But this... Chanyeol doesn’t know who to blame for all this mess. It wasn’t Baekhyun’s fault for falling in love with someone probably a hundred times better than him. It wasn’t Hyeran’s fault for having everything he lacked that made Baekhyun fall for him.

Chanyeol wanted to think that it isn’t his fault either because he’s the victim here, but seeing Hyeran in front of him with that bump on her stomach—that one thing Baekhyun wanted so much that he couldn’t give—is slowly making him convinced that it’s his fault for not providing his husband’s needs.

Baekhyun wasn’t asking for a miracle, after all. He wasn’t asking for Chanyeol to be pregnant. His husband just wanted a family with him—a child to raise as their own.

His husband only wanted to be a father.

The voice in his head is back again and it’s much louder and more intrusive than before.

It’s your fault. You have no one to blame but yourself.

It’s your fault that you can’t give what your husband wants. 

Baekhyun is leaving you because you don’t love him enough to compromise that stupid mindset of yours. Your husband is sick of always having to put your wants first before his.

It’s your fault.

It’s your fault.

It’s your—

“Chanyeol? You’re not gonna let me in?”

Chanyeol breaks out of his reverie when he hears his name. He was panting, and he could feel his knees buckling and so he quickly leans his weight on the door before Hyeran notices.

It’s a good thing Baekhyun is at work today. It would be too rude to decline Hyeran if ever, but then Chanyeol most likely wouldn’t stand seeing them together in the same place at the same time.

It would hurt too much.

“A-ah, sure, come in.” He steps aside and lets the woman enter, then he points towards the kitchen with his hand. “Sorry, we don’t have a living room. I have to use the bathroom, feel free to get some water if you want.”

Before Hyeran could even answer, Chanyeol almost sprinted to the bathroom and closed the door a little harder than intended. He didn’t even seem to notice the loud bang as he quickly splashed his face with water.

What was that?

The voice in his head… was it really talking to him earlier?

And why is Hyeran here? What more does she want than his husband?

She wants your place.

“Ah!”

Chanyeol stumbles back towards the corner of the bathroom door as he hears it again.

Hyeran seems to have heard him as she shouts from the kitchen. “Hey, Chanyeol? Are you alright?”

Chanyeol looks at his reflection in the mirror before replying. “Yeah, I’m okay!”

That’s why she’s stealing your husband, because you’re always okay with everything.

He shakes his head repeatedly. What the hell was that? 

Those are not his own thoughts. He doesn’t even think of the situation that way!

Chanyeol tries to speak.

“She… she didn’t steal Baekhyun…” He must be going insane, talking to himself like this  and defending his husband’s other lover. “Baekhyun—he assured me he’s all mine.”

Chanyeol could not believe his ears as he heard an answer.

Legally, he's yours. But who knows? Sooner or later, maybe he won't be anymore.

He rushes out of the bathroom, taking large strides towards the kitchen as he attempts to drown the voice out with his slippers dragging across the floor.

What the hell is wrong with him?

Chanyeol fakes a smile as he takes the seat in front of Hyeran.

“Sorry, did I take too long?”

“No, it’s okay.” The woman shakes her head reassuringly and smiles back. “I’m sorry for suddenly going here, but I really need to talk to you. Alone.”

Chanyeol wants to scream.

He wants to shout at the woman’s face that he doesn’t want to talk to her and even see her face because she reminds him of how much he failed as Baekhyun’s husband. He wants to tell her that he, too, knows that she won—that he realizes now her intentions behind those constant messages and her unnecessary clinginess towards his husband and it all worked.

He wants to scream at the audacity of the woman in front of him to smile at him as if she’s not involved in this mess, but all Chanyeol did was to fake a smile, because it might be one of the reasons why Baekhyun fell for her; she was always smiling.

Chanyeol can do that too.

Copying her, really? You’re stooping that low, huh?

He ignores the voice in his head.

Come on. You can do better than that. We have to win our husband back.

“Baekhyun is mine.”

They were both shocked at the statement; Hyeran at the sudden possessiveness and Chanyeol as he realizes he said that out loud. It was meant to be a reply to the voice in his head, but he didn’t bother to take it back. 

Why would he? It’s the truth, and Hyeran looks like she has to hear that coming from Chanyeol’s mouth too.

Baekhyun is his. The wedding ring on his finger should be enough for her to know her place.

Just because she’s the one who Baekhyun wants now that doesn’t mean Chanyeol will easily give up on their marriage.

Not when Baekhyun was the one who insisted on making things right.

“I know, Chanyeol.” Hyeran says, and her eyes are focused on the ring on Chanyeol’s finger. “That’s why I’m here.”

Hey, Baekhyun is mine too. I am you. I am not your enemy. The only person here who doesn’t own Baekhyun is that in front of us.

The voice was right. He shouldn’t be threatened by her because she is only a friend to Baekhyun. That’s what his husband always says. 

She is nothing but a friend.

“What do you want?” Chanyeol stops trying to be polite. He wonders why he even tried to in the first place. 

He has every right to be hostile towards her. That’s his husband’s mistress, for ’s sake.

“I…” Hyeran looks apologetic. It almost made Chanyeol feel like . “I need you to leave him.”

Chanyeol unconsciously clenches both of his fists and the voice inside his head becomes louder than ever.

Don’t tell me you’ll listen to her. Baekhyun is ours.

Or maybe you will. Because you’re weak and stupid. That’s why Baekhyun doesn’t love you anymore.

Look at that baby bump. That’s what our Baekhyunnie wants, isn’t it? She looks like going into labor anytime soon. She could easily fulfill Baekhyun’s wish fast—

“No.” Chanyeol closes his eyes. His head is a mess, but he’s not going to back down just because a voice is irritating the out of him and his husband’s new lover asked him to.

He’s going to fight for their marriage. Chanyeol is not going to let that six years go down the drain.

“What makes you think you have the right to say that?” Chanyeol is fuming, but he was forcing himself to calm down because no matter how painful it is to see her, he doesn’t want to hit a woman. “For someone who’s ruining her friend’s marriage, you’re a bit ambitious.”

Chanyeol prays for the voice inside his head to not appear again because he realizes he also wants to talk about this with Hyeran. 

They have to clear things up; that Chanyeol is and will always be Baekhyun’s husband and Hyeran is nothing but a mistake.

“Chanyeol, I know I was wrong. I know I shouldn’t have let myself fall for a married man. And I wanted to make things right. Really, I wasn’t planning on pursuing Baekhyun anymore. But…”

Hyeran puts a hand over her stomach.

No.

No. That’s not what he thinks it is.

Chanyeol feels his breath hitching.

No.

“...it wouldn’t be fair to my baby. She did nothing wrong. I—” Hyeran bites on her lip as a tear escapes her eye. “I can’t let her grow up without a father. His father.”

Please, no...

Chanyeol waits for the voice inside his head to speak again; to curse at her, to insult him, or even just to wreak havoc at the revelation—anything, because his mind is going blank right now and he just wants someone to be with him through this even if it’s just the voice in his head.

But there was nothing.

He has no one by his side anymore. Not his husband, and not even the voice inside his head.

Chanyeol wants to cry. He feels so, so alone.

No. Baekhyun wouldn’t do that to him. Hyeran looks like she’s on her last month; Baekhyun wouldn’t lie to him for nine months if he really—

. Chanyeol can’t even say it in his mind.

That’s not true. No. Baekhyun will never touch anyone that’s not him.

He trusts his husband because that’s how relationships are, right? He should only believe Baekhyun’s words.

And Baekhyun tells him that he is solely Chanyeol’s.

“That thing is not Baekhyun’s.” Chanyeol wanted to sound confident yet the crack in his voice betrays him. “Go ruin someone else’s marriage, Hyeran. Get out of here before I call the guards to drag you out.”

Hyeran is now crying. It angered Chanyeol even more.

“Do you remember that time you two fought and he didn’t go home that night?”

Chanyeol closes his eyes and tries to make the voice in his head come back just to drown Hyeran’s words out. No. He doesn’t want to listen to what she is going to say because he knows what’s about to come next.

“Baekhyun was at my house that night. He was drunk and crying and I—” 

Hyeran’s sobs became louder. Chanyeol just wanted her to stop talking. 

“—I’m sorry, Chanyeol. I was just another person in love too.”

He remembers what she’s talking about. They were fighting about Hyeran that time too. Baekhyun told him the morning he came home that he stayed with Jongdae.

Chanyeol wants to laugh at himself. So that was why Baekhyun looked so restless when he shouldn’t be if he really slept at Jongdae’s because that’s his best friend.

God, why is he never anyone’s only choice?

Why is he so lost again? Chanyeol really thought he’d have more time before losing his home again—no, he had thought that it was here to stay this time. 

How will he get through this? How is he supposed to accept the fact that his husband kissed someone else? Held someone else?

That their mistake gave them a child—something that Baekhyun badly wanted to have?

How will he fix everything with his husband now?

Hyeran not only has his husband’s heart, but she now has something that can fulfill Baekhyun’s dream too.

While the only thing Chanyeol has is his surname that he shares with his husband.

It was indeed a losing battle because the only sword he has is Baekhyun’s empty promises.

“Chanyeol… please…”

He has yet to fully accept the existence of the child, and yet he has to make a decision now.

Chanyeol doesn’t know what to do. 

You do know what to do.

.

He couldn’t believe that he almost cried in relief that the voice is now back inside his head.

It knows what to do. He only has to listen. He still has the chance to win Baekhyun back.

“What do you want me to do?” Chanyeol asks the voice in his head, again forgetting that the woman in front of him will think the question was for her.

Hyeran sighs in relief just as the voice inside Chanyeol’s head speaks again.

Baekhyun wouldn’t want her anymore if she doesn’t have what he wants, right?

“Let me know when he comes home.” Hyeran pleads, even going as far as holding Chanyeol’s hand. “He’s been avoiding my calls all week, he didn’t even go to work. I don’t think he remembers what happened that night because he was calling out your name as we…”

Hope blooms within Chanyeol’s chest despite the blatant admission of what has happened between her and Baekhyun.

Then was it truly a mistake? Did Baekhyun keep it a secret from him because it was just a mistake?

But Baekhyun ended up falling for Hyeran. Maybe his husband wouldn’t see this as a mistake now when he finds out—

Shut up. It doesn’t matter, Chanyeol. We will get back what’s ours.

“He has to know, Chanyeol, please help me.”

Get rid of the baby.

Chanyeol speaks after what felt like a minute.

Yes, he tells himself, it doesn’t matter.

“Okay.” Baekhyun is his. And he will get him back no matter what it takes. “I will.”

Hyeran cries again as she stutters out a thank you while Chanyeol stands up to go to her side and rubs her back in a comforting manner. He can feel his palm burning with every ; the idea that his husband’s hands might have also touched the part he’s touching now ignites something within Chanyeol.

And it’s not only the sting of betrayal from his husband’s adultery.

It was the desire to make sure it won’t happen again.

Minutes later, Hyeran seems to be calming down and Chanyeol takes that opportunity to walk towards the kitchen sink and retrieve something from the cupboard. When Hyeran starts to talk again, he quickly hides the thing on his hand behind his back and smiles at her.

“I’ll go now, Chanyeol. I’ve caused you so much trouble.” 

Hyeran laughs, tone laced with guilt instead of humor and he pities her for a moment because that might be her last laugh and it didn’t even sound happy.

“Sure.” He nods. “I think you can see yourself out on your own, yes?”

The woman takes Chanyeol’s attitude as bitterness, and she smiles as she completely understands his hostility towards her although he had offered to help her. The man shouldn’t even have been so polite to let her in and hear her out to begin with.

Hyeran thinks Baekhyun married a great man, and she tells him that.

“You’re a great man, Chanyeol.” She smiles again, and Chanyeol can hear the sincerity in her voice. “I’m sorry you had to go through this.”

Bull, Chanyeol thinks, because he should be the one telling her that soon.

Hyeran turns her back on him. As she walks towards the door, Chanyeol slowly pulls his hand from his back and smirks at the thing sitting heavy on his hand.

Today seems like a good time to find out if he knows how to use a gun.

Chanyeol remembers how he freaked out the first time he saw the handgun lying around the kitchen table. Baekhyun quickly explained that time that his father told him a house should have a gun in case of emergencies. 

He remembers joking about it, telling his husband that a first aid kit is what should be prepared in times of emergencies and not a gun, and Baekhyun didn’t even listen to his joke and teaches him what it’s called, how to handle it properly and such, but those are what he couldn’t quite recall as he didn’t really bother to know how to use it; he had never thought that he’ll someday have a use for it.

Chanyeol pulls back the slide, doing what he remembers Baekhyun teaching him that day, and aims for Hyeran’s head. He isn’t even sure if his measurements are going to be accurate, but it doesn’t matter. 

A pregnant woman is always at a higher risk.

Baekhyun told him he wants Chanyeol to be a constant part of his life last night—the exact same sentence he once found on Baekhyun’s phone that was sent to Hyeran.

He will make his husband understand today that what he wants is impossible. He can only want—have—one thing; the other one will have to be removed.

And it’s not going to be Chanyeol.

As Hyeran nears the exit, he hears Baekhyun’s voice from outside the house.

“Yeollie, I’m home!”

The door opens, and Baekhyun’s eyes met Hyeran’s.

“Baek—”

Chanyeol pulls the trigger.

 

✨✨✨

 

“No! I killed her! You should be taking me—I killed Ji Hyeran!”

Chanyeol knows he is causing a scene in the station. Two policemen are holding him on both of his arms, telling him to calm down, yet he continues to thrash with his feet as he screams at the woman on the front desk.

“Sir, you need to be in the hospital now—”

“My husband has nothing to do with this!” Chanyeol shouts at the man holding his left arm. “I killed her! Do you hear me? I ing killed her with that gun!”

He stops kicking on the desk and kneels on the floor instead.

“Please…” Chanyeol begs as tears stream down his cheeks. He doesn’t know where they took Baekhyun. His poor husband must be so scared right now. “P-please let him go…”

“Sir, let me break things down for you.” the woman on the desk sighs. “The investigation is still ongoing, but the evidence found at the scene is pointing right at your husband. The gun has his fingerprints and not yours. His last message to her says he’ll get rid of her if she won’t disappear from his life. Do you understand, sir?”

Chanyeol shakes his head. They’re wrong. He knows because he’s the one who pulled the trigger.

Despite the shock from seeing the woman of his interest getting shot from the back, Baekhyun quickly went to his side first that time. Chanyeol remembers being frozen in place, desperately seeking for the voice inside his head to ask for reassurance but it never appeared again until now.

Baekhyun was doing all the work that time. He dragged Chanyeol to the sink and scrubbed his hands until they turned red, wiped the gun clean with something he couldn’t quite remember as he was also consumed by the shock of potentially killing a person himself, and gripped on it tightly with his right hand as he reached for his phone to call the cops on his other one and turn himself in.

Chanyeol feels nauseous at the memory. 

So was that why his husband never let go of the gun?

To save him?

“You aren’t even acquainted with Ms. Ji.” The woman continues. “We can’t have you as a suspect. Please go to the hospital now, they have asked for you.”

“You are all so stupid!”

Chanyeol is once again being dragged out of the office by the policemen and he didn’t resist this time. He doesn’t have the energy to do so. He has a lot to take in.

His husband is cheating on him. His husband is a father to someone else’s child. He just killed a person.

He just wants to see Baekhyun and know if he’s okay.

When Chanyeol was forcefully pushed out of the station, he caught sight of his husband in one of the police cars parked haphazardly on the side. He runs towards the car, almost tripping on his feet on the way there, and pounds violently on the window with his fists.

“Baekhyun! Baekhyun! Get out of there, please…” He was half-crying and half-screaming, his fists were also hurting but he couldn’t care less. His heart was hurting more. “You shouldn’t be there, Baek—”

The window rolls down and he sees his husband sitting between two policemen with his hand cuffed. The man on Baekhyun’s right side calls for men to probably drag Chanyeol away again and he panicked even more.

“Park Baekhyun, tell them the truth right now—tell them you’re innocent! , Baek—” Chanyeol was speaking so fast he isn’t sure if he’s still making sense. “You’re not supposed to be in there!”

Baekhyun only smiles at him.

“I’m sorry I have to leave you alone for now, love.” A tear escaped his husband’s left eye. “It might take me years, but I promise I’ll be back, Chanyeollie. Wait for me, okay?”

Chanyeol could only shake his head.

“No! You’re not going anywhere—”

The two policemen from earlier are back on his sides again, both of them pulling him away from the car by his arms. Chanyeol’s voice gets louder as the car starts to move away.

“No! Bring me my husband back! Take me instead!”

“Sir, you need to be with Ms. Ji at the hospital now—”

“I don’t ing care about that !” Chanyeol spits out at the man gripping on his right arm. “Bring me my husband back!”

“Mr. Park—”

It all happened too fast.

One moment he was pulling a gun from the policeman’s back pocket after managing to kick his calf and aiming the gun on the car’s tire to stop them from leaving.

But then the next thing he sees is the car turned upside down as a truck from the other side collided with it.

Chanyeol realizes then that he missed his target as the two men push him down to kneel on the ground and cuffs both of his hands.

“B-baekhyunnie…? N-no…”

He blinks at the scene in front of him, his mind declining to register the fact that he is seeing his husband being put in a stretcher with blood on his head and that it’s because of him.

Chanyeol runs towards the ambulance, not even noticing that the two policemen let him leave, and he begs at the man currently closing the door.

“I-I’m his husband.” He says with difficulty as he chokes on a sob. “Please l-let me go with him.”

As Chanyeol settles on the seat beside the makeshift bed, he reaches out for one of Baekhyun’s hands, crying as he whispers a string of apology to his unconscious husband who is stained with blood on every part of him.

“D-don’t leave me, Baek, please—you p-promised me you’ll come back...”

Chanyeol drowns out the sound of the ecg monitor going unstable with his silent prayers.

This is all his fault now.

He’s holding onto yet another empty promise of his husband and he is now the only one to blame.

 

✨✨✨

 

“Ji Hyeran. Time of death: 7:45pm.”

“We managed to save the baby. Ms. Ji’s last words were to make you and your husband the legal guardians of the baby if she wouldn’t survive. She told us it was both her gift and apology to the both of you.”

“Park Baekhyun. Dead on arrival. Time of death: 9:32pm.”

“We did everything we could. We are sorry for your loss.”

“Mr. Park, you have to calm down—”

Chanyeol wakes up to the sound of the baby crying from the bedroom. He pushes himself up with one hand from the blood-stained floor. Whether he had only accidentally fallen asleep or he passed out, Chanyeol doesn’t know and he doesn’t think about it as he walks towards the bedroom he once shared with his husband.

He was supposed to turn the doorknob open when he realized he was holding something in his hand.

Right, the other gun he found on the bookshelf is in his hand again.

He didn’t bother putting it back before entering the bedroom.

It has been a week since, and Chanyeol still doesn’t know what to do.

His in-laws had been calling him for the past few days, sending him messages regarding Baekhyun’s funeral saying it was not his fault, that he should be the one leading the ceremony, that his presence might be the last thing Baekhyun wants before leaving this world because he is his husband. 

Even Baekbeom contacted him this time after all these years only to tell him that his brother deserves a proper goodbye from his husband.

Chanyeol thinks it’s bull. Baekhyun is gone—he has been for a few days now. His husband has long left this world and he’s an for not taking Chanyeol with him.

Now he has to survive alone with the living proof of his husband’s betrayal.

Chanyeol thinks that the world his husband left him in is so unfair.

On most days, Chanyeol blames himself for his husband’s death. He blames himself for not listening to Baekhyun when he was teaching him how to use a gun right. For killing his husband’s other lover. For listening to the voice inside his head. 

For not choosing to let go of Baekhyun instead of losing him. Literally.

It has been a week since, and so Chanyeol is slowly getting numb by now. Or maybe this is temporary—maybe this is him still being in denial with the fact that Baekhyun is really gone. But for now, the only thing that hurts is not being in his husband’s embrace right now. 

After all, it always hurts when Baekhyun doesn’t touch him and it hurts more than knowing his husband once touched someone else that is not him.

He wanted to forget—to forgive, because it hurts Chanyeol more that he couldn’t love his husband now the way he did before. He should’ve let things slide.

He should’ve continued turning a blind eye, because maybe if he did, maybe he could still see his husband now.

The baby cries again. This time, Chanyeol cries with her.

He kneels beside the bed right where he can see the baby up close. The baby stops crying when he sees him, and Chanyeol’s heart instantly aches as he locks eyes with the baby.

This child might have been Hyeran’s, but Chanyeol couldn’t help but think that she could’ve been his and Baekhyun’s too.

Chanyeol imagines what it would've been like if Baekhyun was alive.

He probably wouldn’t tell Baekhyun that the child is actually his, but Chanyeol would’ve been okay with adopting the child. He would’ve been okay with her taking Chanyeol’s surname too. He would’ve been okay with raising the child as his own as long as Baekhyun is raising her with him.

Baekhyun would’ve made a really great father. Chanyeol realizes he now wants to see him as one, but it’s too late.

Chanyeol is the only one crying this time.

He misses the child’s father so much.

Why? It’s your fault he’s gone. Maybe this is what you really wanted so no one could have him if it’s not yours.

He hears the voice inside his head again, the voice he desperately searched for after he’s done what he was told to do.

Chanyeol feels like being used by everyone around him—by Baekhyun for being his outlet for his affection towards someone else, by Hyeran for making him take care of her child that is not supposed to be existing in the first place, and even by himself for doing what he thinks will make him happy without thinking of the consequences in the long run.

The baby cries again and Chanyeol closes his eyes.

He knows he doesn’t deserve it, but he really just wants a moment of peace and quiet even just for a minute. He only needs a minute to fully register that it’s his responsibility to make the baby stop crying now for the rest of his life.

. He doesn’t know what to do anymore.

It’s your fault he’s gone.

It’s your fault he’s gone.

Chanyeol is so, so tired.

It’s your fault he’s gone.

It’s your fault he’s gone.

The baby’s loud cries are tiring enough. He just wants the voice inside his head to shut up.

It’s your fault he’s gone.

It’s your fault he’s gone.

He just wants it to stop talking.

It’s your fault he’s gone.

It’s your fault he’s— 

Chanyeol holds the gun on his temple as he stares straight at the baby’s eyes and pulls the trigger.

It’s your fault he’s gone...

 

 

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toska - a longing with nothing to long for.
forelsket - the euphoria experienced as you begin to fall in love.
saudade - the feeling of longing for an absent something or someone that you love but might never return.