Chapter summary: Eight years ago, Chanyeol was so sure that Baekhyun will be his home.

 

 

✨✨✨

 

 

Chanyeol met Baekhyun on a bus after a particularly long day eight years ago.

The memory is still clear in his mind. He remembers quickly slumping down on his seat with his head hung low as soon as he entered the bus to prevent having eye contact with the students around him because he knew they were all staring at him. 

It wasn’t new to him; It wasn’t the first time it happened that day, but that didn’t mean Chanyeol could get used to the disgusted stares being thrown his way just because it will be a part of his life now.

If it was a more tolerable day, Chanyeol would have handled it well. He would've entered the bus with his chin up and eyes bored as he pretends that every single person around him doesn’t exist like he always does. But then, that day wasn’t exactly a good day for Chanyeol—it wasn’t even near okay.

Chanyeol almost lost everything that day. His scholarship, his part-time job, his dignity…

“My legs hurt.”

“There’s an empty seat beside Park.”

“I’d rather cut my legs off.”

He snickers at the supposedly whispered conversation behind him, mentally laughing at how the girl chooses to stand until her stop than to sit beside him just because he is Park Chanyeol. 

Oh well, he doesn’t really care anyway. That also meant more space for him to place his bag on.

Just as he was about to put his backpack down, someone walked towards his seat, snatching Chanyeol’s bag from his hands and placing it on his lap instead. The stranger smiles at him as if what he did was normal.

“I believe you didn’t pay for this seat.”

Furrowing his brows, Chanyeol yanks his bag away from the stranger, stuttering as he answers because it was the first time someone from the same university as him (he assumed as they wear the same lanyard) is actually talking to him since yesterday.

“So—so what? The seat is empty.” 

Chanyeol averts his gaze when the man only stares at him. Only a day has passed and he isn’t used to being looked at anymore—at least not with contempt. 

“Go sit somewhere else, unless you want to be the center of attention too.”

The stranger tilts his head in confusion, then he looks around and sees people staring at them while whispering to each other.

Chanyeol’s pretty sure the man also heard the comment about him being Chanyeol’s “new target”.

The man looks at him again and asks, “Do they know you?”

Chanyeol nods. Of course they know him, he’s convinced that everyone in the university knows him by now (except maybe this man he’s talking to), because why else would they be talking about him if they don’t?

The stranger shakes his head and asks again, “No, I mean, do they know you? Do you know them personally? Are you friends with all of them?”

He blinks at the man for a second, then finds himself slowly shaking his head. “Of course not. Do I look like I have friends to you?”

“Then why give a about what they think and do?”

What…?

The man smiles at him, surprisingly not laughing at his face as Chanyeol knows full well that he now looks like a gaping fish because of the unexpected question. 

“Weren’t you ever told not to listen to strangers when you were young?” 

The man looks around again and smiles at everyone who meets his eyes, then Chanyeol sees some of them getting red from the embarrassment of being caught, and some for an entirely different reason as they suddenly smile like lovestruck high school girls.

Chanyeol sneers in disbelief at those who just had a hundred and eighty degree turn of personality. 

Really? They have the audacity to blush after making assumptions at the man just because he sat beside him?

Also, who is this man?

“Excuse me, but you’re a stranger to me too.” Chanyeol says after realizing he hasn't answered yet. “And what just happened?”

“Then don’t listen to what I say either.” The stranger shrugs at him with a coy smile on his face. “Also, that was just my charm doing its job.”

“Y-your what—”

Chanyeol doesn’t get to finish his sentence as he laughs. The conceitedness of this man is unbelievably not annoying. He hated those who are always so full of themselves because they are usually the ones who are just their appearance and nothing more, and they aren’t even perfect in that department (the louder they boast about their face, the uglier they are). 

But with the man beside him, Chanyeol finds himself laughing loudly, and the stranger’s kicked-puppy expression only makes it harder for Chanyeol to stop.

The man pouts at him as Chanyeol calms down. “Why? My charms don’t work on you?”

Chanyeol lets himself stare at the stranger’s face for a minute, slowly realizing that he is indeed charming—managing to look both cute and handsome at the same time. Maybe he now understands the unnecessary blushing and giggling from earlier. “It’s—”

“Can’t believe he has the face to laugh after his scandal.”

His mouth closes shut quickly after hearing the whispered comment, eyes automatically looking down on his lap as humiliation swallows him whole. They were right, how can he even laugh at his situation?

Suddenly, there’s an earphone being placed on his right ear and he looks at the man beside him putting the other pair in his left.

“You’re not supposed to drown in their words,” the stranger says with his eyes closed, head leaning back against the seat. “You’re supposed to drown their words out.”

Chanyeol almost cried at that.

It was an unfamiliar feeling; the calm, the comfort, the untold promise of protection from the man. It has been so long since he’s felt safe around someone other than him that he doesn’t even think he deserves to feel it anymore.

He closes his eyes and lets the calming melody envelop his senses. Finally, he could take a break without having to listen to the voices in his head just because he thinks he deserves the torture.

Finally, he could let his heart break without questioning if he even deserves to grieve.

 

✨✨✨

 

“, dude, don’t do that!”

Chanyeol had just been steps away from the bus when he suddenly feels a hand on his back, then he turns around to see Earphone Ahjussi (it was a nickname he mentally gave the man beside him earlier because he lent him his other pair of earphone and he talks like an old man) with a rather annoyed look on his face. The man steps back, realizing that he was too close to Chanyeol and hands him something with his closed fist.

“Sorry, I had to remove that.” The man answers with his tone flat as if he didn’t make Chanyeol laugh with his antics hours ago.

Chanyeol reaches his hand and feels a sticky note in his palm.

.

Even with the fact that he had been walking around with this note on his back, Chanyeol couldn’t help the tiny smile playing on his lips as he looked at the stranger’s expression.

He was clearly bothered by the note. He doesn’t even know Chanyeol personally to be this concerned.

Ah, it has been so, so long since he’s felt someone sincerely cared for him. And to feel it from a stranger, Chanyeol doesn’t know how he'd react to that.

“You—you didn’t have to.” 

He had a lot to ask. He wanted to ask if he doesn’t really know him, or why he chose to sit beside him in the bus despite the side comments and the judging stares, or why he was so kind enough to calm Chanyeol down throughout the whole ride and even follow him to remove the note on his back, or just…

Why is he so kind to him?

“Thank you so much…?” Chanyeol stalls and raises a brow at him, hoping the other would get the gesture because he was too shy to ask basic questions like this.

“Baekhyun.” The man smiles this time. “My name is Baekhyun. And you?”

Baekhyun. A name he’s familiar with yet not entirely. Maybe he’s from a department far from his, which should explain why he doesn’t seem to know Chanyeol.

“Park Chanyeol.” He answers, mirroring the other’s smile. “I’m glad you don’t know me. I feel like I could finally breathe.”

Baekhyun chuckles. “Am I supposed to know you? Are you a celebrity of some sort?”

Chanyeol looks down on the crumpled paper in his hand. 

“No…”

No, he isn’t anything near that, and Chanyeol unconsciously releases a shaky breath he didn’t know he was holding because really, he could sincerely feel like he could finally breathe, even just for a moment.

It was as if he was given a second chance to start anew; to introduce himself to another person who wouldn’t judge him based solely on the stories surrounding him.

Baekhyun lightly taps him on his shoulder. “Why are you crying?”

“Huh?”

Chanyeol reaches up to feel his right cheek slightly wet. He didn’t even notice he was crying—he didn’t know he still has tears left to cry.

“I don’t know.” Chanyeol breaks down and sobs like a five-year old. “I-I’m sorry. I must look ridiculous to you. A person crying in front of someone he just met.”

Baekhyun laughs, and he’s thankful that it didn’t sound like he was mocking him.

“It’s alright. You know what they say,” Baekhyun lowers his head to playfully peek at Chanyeol who has his head hung low. “A stranger wouldn’t judge you because he literally doesn’t know you or something, so if you want to let it all out, I’m free to grab some drinks tonight.”

It was Chanyeol’s turn to laugh this time. “I’m a broke college student, are you fine with just soju?”

Baekhyun smiles brightly that for a second, Chanyeol finds himself getting lost in the sparkle within those eyes.

Ah, maybe this is why he cried all of a sudden. His darkness seems to be wanting to see some light and there it is, standing right in front of him in the form of a soft voice and a gentle smile and Chanyeol wonders if he even deserves to feel this comfort.

Then Chanyeol ponders, again, for a split second, if he’s supposed to feel all of this for someone he literally just met.

The guy is charming indeed.

“Add Yakult and Sprite to that then it’s the best drink you’ve ever had.”

Chanyeol blinks in horror. “What?”

“Don’t tell me you haven’t tried that yet?”

“No, ew.”

Baekhyun hooks a hand on his arm. “Okay, it’s time to add another color to your rainbow!”

 

✨✨✨

 

The walk to the convenience store was unexpectedly… lively. Considering that Chanyeol doesn’t really talk that much (today is the only day he’s talked this much for the whole week, thanks to his new friend), he is genuinely surprised how Baekhyun managed to make buying snacks and alcohol fun. Chanyeol wishes he was also gifted with the wit the other has.

“Welcome to my humble abode.”

Baekhyun snorts at the statement after removing his shoes and quickly making himself welcome in the apartment. “You speak like an old man, do you also add melodies in your words sometimes like a grandpa waking up in the morning?”

Chanyeol finds himself staring at Baekhyun with his mouth open as the latter goes to his kitchen like he owns the place.

“Wow, a good talker and a rude .” Chanyeol slowly claps his hands in pure amazement because this is the first time he’s heard a supposedly insulting comment that is actually not offensive. “How multitalented.”

“Thanks, got it from my mom.”

“Huh?”

The other man looks at him and laughs, spinning a bottle of alcohol in one hand. “Except for the latter part, of course. Do you have a pitcher?”

“Yeah, it’s inside the microwave.”

Baekhyun blinks at him. “...why?”

“Can’t think of anywhere else to keep it in.”

“You have a microwave oven but can’t afford to buy a cupboard.”

Chanyeol shrugs at that and walks towards the oven. “It was my ex-flatmate’s. He left it with me because it doesn’t work anymore. Here.”

Baekhyun takes the container from his hand, nodding as he prepares the drink. “Hm. Why did they move out?”

Chanyeol unconsciously looks away from Baekhyun at the question. Should he tell him? Should he tell him that his flatmate moved out because he didn’t want to be associated with Chanyeol after the issue broke out? 

Can he tell him that? Wouldn’t Baekhyun walk out on him too if he knew?

“Ah… He lives with his girlfriend now.” A straight-up lie. It wouldn’t affect Baekhyun anyway.

“Ooh,” Baekhyun seems to buy it, more focused on mixing everything they bought than his flatmate’s story as he absentmindedly replies. “Must be nice.”

Yeah, he thinks it must be nice too. Having someone you can call your home.

At the back of his mind, Chanyeol briefly wonders if the arms of the man that had held him for years was truly his home—if he truly ever had someone he can call his home—because Chanyeol feels so, so lost now. 

He doesn’t know where to go from here.

He didn’t speak after that, deciding to just watch Baekhyun mix everything they’ve bought inside the container instead. He winces as Baekhyun stirs the mixture with a spoon. 

What in the world would that taste like?

“You look like you want to ask something.” Baekhyun laughs at him before heading straight to the living room with the drink in his hand as if he owns the place. 

Baekhyun was right. He has a lot of questions running in his mind, each of them clawing out of his chest begging to be answered, yet they weren’t for the man standing in front of him who’s currently pouring him a drink in a plastic cup.

But Chanyeol was desperate, and Baekhyun is the only person he has right now. 

He downs the drink in one go, swatting Baekhyun’s hand away when the latter attempts to slow him down.

“Hey, calm down dude, we have the whole night—”

“More.” He pushes the cup against Baekhyun’s chest. “I don’t want to be sober the whole night.”

Baekhyun’s eyes held a certain feeling of warmth and security as he looked at Chanyeol; he seemed to have understood. And with that, he couldn’t keep himself from asking.

“Why are you so nice to me?” Chanyeol angrily wipes the tears threatening to fall from his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’m just this sad loser who’s about to ruin the night.”

The alcohol hasn’t kicked in his system yet but Chanyeol doesn’t know why he’s already on the verge of breaking down in front of a person he literally just met.

He suddenly finds the answer when Baekhyun responds.

“You’re not. You are more than the sadness in your eyes.” 

Baekhyun smiles. 

It’s a wonderful sight.

“Your pain might be heavy. I can’t take it away, but let me carry it for you tonight, hm?”

And so he lets him. 

Chanyeol tells him everything about the sadness in his eyes.

He tells Baekhyun about the mess he’s gotten himself into; the reason why he was treated like he had a contagious disease in the bus, the story behind the word written on the sticky note which was the reason why Baekhyun is currently sitting on his apartment floor, he tells Baekhyun everything he’s keeping himself from acknowledging because Chanyeol doesn’t think he deserves to feel like this when he knows the possible consequences in the first place.

Baekhyun, in return, tells him that it’s alright to feel—that Chanyeol has the right to regret and be angry at his decisions despite being aware that they weren’t probably going to be the best choice while making it. 

Baekhyun tells him that it is sometimes okay to think with his heart.

“But maybe you should’ve thought this situation through with your brain instead.”

Chanyeol was in awe at how Baekhyun can quickly make his heart feel light despite making him talk about the things he couldn’t even admit to himself.

He smacks his palm against Baekhyun’s forehead. “I know that now, genius.”

“So let me get this straight.” Baekhyun clears his throat as he blinks in an attempt to keep his vision straight. For someone who offered to get wasted tonight, Chanyeol deems that this guy couldn’t handle alcohol that well.

“You’re in a two-year relationship with one of your professors who broke up with you via text because he apparently is getting married in a week and—” Baekhyun pauses, stifling a laugh which earned him a glare from Chanyeol. “—then you caused a scene in the faculty because you looked for him with tears and snot on your pretty face.”

Chanyeol’s frown deepens at the last comment. Did he really have to put it like that?

“And you’re a scholar—I mean, at least until yesterday since the admins found out. You were willing to risk it all for an old hag, huh.”

He playfully throws an empty cup at Baekhyun’s face. “What a sharp tongue you have there.”

“I can tone it down for you, but I won’t.”

“.”

The other laughs at that and Chanyeol thinks that the red at the tip of his ears is adorable.

“That actually sounds like a compliment coming from you, seeing that s seem to be your type.” Seeing Chanyeol get flustered at the comment, Baekhyun adds. “Who is he, by the way? Maybe I’m enrolled under his subjects too.”

“Doubt it.” Chanyeol shakes his head. “You’re not a familiar face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around uni.”

“Which department are you from?”

“SBA. Finance.”

Baekhyun clicks his tongue, nodding in agreement. “Yeah. I never went near your building because my brother teaches there. I’m already sick of seeing his face at home—and we don’t really get along well.”

“That must feel suffocating.” Chanyeol says after a hiccup, starting to feel lightheaded from the drink. “What’s his name?”

“Byun Baekbeom.”

Chanyeol accidentally drops the plastic cup in his hand at the mention of his name.

“Hey! You’re spilling all o—” Baekhyun was cut off at the sight of Chanyeol’s trembling hands. It takes a few seconds before he realizes what was happening.

“Chanyeol— Is he— “

“I-I’m sorry, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol stutters out as he weakly stands on his feet, pulling Baekhyun up with him and unconsciously pushes him forcefully towards the exit. “You have to go.”

“Wait—Yeol—”

“Goodbye, Baekhyun.”

He shuts the door at Baekhyun’s face a little too hard than intended, but Chanyeol is not in the mood to care about other people’s feelings right now as it all comes back to him with just the mere mention of his name. The universe really is playing games with him, isn’t it? Those above were probably laughing at how pathetic he looks right now, crying his heart out over a love he thought was true—at the man’s brother himself at that.

Chanyeol leans his back against the door and slowly lets himself fall down the floor as Baekhyun’s fist pounds on the other side. He was probably too harsh; Baekhyun has been nothing but kind to him ever since they met, but Chanyeol couldn’t find it in himself to care.

It felt like being betrayed all over again. He probably shouldn’t be feeling like this because it was obvious that Baekhyun knew nothing about Chanyeol’s affair with his brother. Hell, Baekhyun is probably as shocked as he is after accidentally finding out that his brother is cheating on his fiancee, but Chanyeol can’t force himself to think straight and be rational—at least not now.

Baekhyun taught him that it is sometimes okay to think with his heart. Maybe he’s allowed to just feel for now, right? 

Maybe he’s allowed to think only of himself for now because he now realizes that he hasn’t done that for years, always putting Baekbeom’s needs first before his own because seeing the other man happy makes him happy too that he forgets that he shouldn’t depend his happiness on other people because now he’s gone, and Chanyeol doesn’t know what to do anymore.

He knows he’ll get through this—of course he will. Maybe in seven months, more or less, none of these would even matter anymore. But he doesn’t want to invalidate the pain he’s feeling now just because it will get better soon.

That night, Chanyeol lets himself grieve. For the love lost, for the friends lost, for the scholarship he worked so hard to maintain that went down the drain, for his part-time job, for everything he has lost as he closes this chapter in his life.

He still doesn’t know how he’ll pick himself up tomorrow, but strangely enough, he doesn’t feel alone.

“I’ll go now, okay?” 

Baekhyun speaks from the other side of the door, and Chanyeol looks at his wall clock and sees that it has been two hours since he kicked the other man out of his apartment yet Baekhyun is still there. 

Chanyeol realizes that he doesn’t feel alone because Baekhyun never left.

“Talk to me tomorrow. You’ll find me, don’t worry.”

And maybe, Baekhyun is here to stay with him from now on.

 

✨✨✨

 

True to Baekhyun’s words, he finds Baekhyun the next day in the most unexpected way.

Chanyeol hears him before he sees him. He was on his way to his first subject when he saw the classroom door blocked with students that were seemingly trying to look inside through the small glass window. Normally, Chanyeol wouldn’t bother to check the commotion because they’re usually fist fights between students who either fight over grades or a person.

But then, he hears the voice that brought comfort to his restless soul not too long ago. 

“And you call yourself a teacher? You don’t even deserve half the respect your students give you.”

As he hears the sound of a fist hitting a jaw after the remark, Chanyeol squeezes himself in past the students, not bothering to even look back at those who started throwing insults at him again. He was used to that. He’s lived through having insults for breakfast ever since he was young.

What he’s not used to, however, is to have someone standing up for him with closed fists and disgust in their eyes that are not directed to him.

“Baek—”

Both men turn their heads towards Chanyeol, one wearing a shocked expression on his face as if he’s not expecting Chanyeol to be there and the other one seemingly looking like he’s hoping it was his name Chanyeol is supposed to utter.

“Baekhyun…” 

And so Chanyeol calls him then, because he is done calling out for someone who only wants to keep him a secret. 

“Are you okay?”

Baekhyun looks relieved; Chanyeol’s heart skips at the fact that he actually wants his attention.

“Of course.” Baekhyun smiles as if he is saying that Chanyeol will be okay. “How could I not be after punching a cheater in the face?”

Gasps were heard outside the room, probably thinking that a student dares to accuse one of the nicest professors of cheating and not the truth that was just revealed, but Chanyeol couldn’t care less. 

He doesn’t care about what others think anymore. He doesn’t care about what Baekbeom will think of him anymore. He doesn’t care about what will happen after all of this.

All Chanyeol could ever think about now is the man who wanted him to call his name.

“Let’s go?”

He nods and lets Baekhyun pull him out of the room despite his class under his ex that should’ve started minutes ago.

“Okay.”

For a second, Chanyeol thinks that maybe, the hand he’s holding in his right now will someday hold his heart in his palm.

 

✨✨✨

 

The fleeting thought of Baekhyun managing to steal his heart became a reality a year and a half later.

After the mess they’ve gotten into, they became inseparable and Chanyeol couldn’t be more thankful for that. 

Chanyeol isn’t actually an insecure person. He may have questioned his worth a few times during the time he knew he was being cheated on— and being the second lover, at that— yet at the end of the day, he still knows his worth. He knows that it wasn’t his fault and that he was just a victim as much as the fiancee was. 

He knows it in his heart that he didn’t deserve even half the bull he was put through. But if he were to be honest with himself, he can’t help but question if he deserves Baekhyun.

To have Baekhyun in his life is one thing, but to have him by his side throughout the whole time he was trying to pull himself back up again? Chanyeol occasionally thinks that maybe he was blessed a little too much.

It was Baekhyun who helped him stand on his feet again; the man helped him with everything. From transferring to another university to finding a new job, Baekhyun was there to guide him despite being only a few months older than him and probably not having more experiences in adulting than Chanyeol. 

He was grateful nonetheless, because Chanyeol didn’t need someone to follow. He needed someone to be with. A companion. A friend.

Until he started seeing Baekhyun as more than just that.

Chanyeol snorts at that. It was predictable, really. How could he not fall for Baekhyun? The whole time he was healing, Chanyeol was just trying to mend his broken pieces back together to become whole again, but Baekhyun made him grow .

It was Baekhyun who taught him that healing isn’t linear. Chanyeol was so confident that he would get over it easily because he’s not the type to lose himself over anything, and so when the pain lingers longer than it should at some days, he doesn't know what to do, scared that he might still be stuck in the past.

But it is Baekhyun who tells him that it’s okay. That it’s okay to be angry while healing. That it’s okay to still feel hurt at the things you didn’t deserve to go through. That he is making progress even when he backslides and that even the strongest people have their bad days too.

It is Baekhyun who reminds him that all of his feelings are valid and Chanyeol starts catching feelings for him because of that.

He wanted to be like that to Baekhyun too; he probably doesn’t need it, but he wanted to be someone Baekhyun could lean on while pulling himself back on his feet.

Chanyeol should have seen it coming, but the impact still feels heavy to him every time he admits it to himself. 

(Maybe because he is only falling harder every single time.)

“What are you thinking of?”

They’re in Chanyeol's apartment again, on the floor with a glass of alcohol in their hands just like the day they met except they are now the closest of friends and Chanyeol is not crying his heart out anymore. Baekhyun sits beside him after asking, coming back from the kitchen with a new bag of chips.

Chanyeol turns his head to look at his now best friend without answering his question.

Maybe it’s the alcohol talking, or maybe it’s the way the glow of the moonlight from the apartment window hits Baekhyun’s face from this angle, but he looked so handsome tonight in Chanyeol’s eyes. Beautiful, even.

You , is what Chanyeol wants to say, but he doesn’t want to make Baekhyun uncomfortable around him. He’s not sure of what the other’s reaction would be when he finds out, and Chanyeol doesn’t want to know.

He’s not willing to take the risk, and Chanyeol doesn’t know if he’ll ever be because he doesn’t want to lose someone in his life anymore.

“You know, when I was in high school, one of the sisters at the orphanage who I considered my mother wanted me to settle down at twenty-five.” Chanyeol speaks a minute after thinking of a possible topic. “They told me that everyone should have found their path in life at that age. And that I should too.”

Chanyeol takes a sip from his cup before continuing. “But one of them says it’s just because the eldest among them wanted to have a “grandchild” from me before she goes.”

Baekhyun laughs. “That’s rude. What did you say then?”

He wouldn’t deny that he felt a little disappointed that the possibility of him settling down with someone in two years didn’t seem to bother Baekhyun, but then, it’s not like his feelings are reciprocated.

Baekhyun isn’t even aware of it yet. Hopefully.

“That I’m gay.” Chanyeol chuckles when Baekhyun chokes on his drink. “Easy there. Fortunately, no one in there is homophobic, they really just wanted me to have a family of my own.” He sighs. “And a kid. Especially a kid. They really pushed the idea of adoption as if I didn't know it existed.”

This time, he finally caught Baekhyun’s full attention. “You don’t seem to like that, huh? Don’t want a kid someday?”

Chanyeol doesn’t even know the answer to that.

“It’s... complicated.”

It isn’t like he hates the idea of having a child someday. Back then, Chanyeol even thought it would be wonderful, loving someone unconditionally from the day they were born until the day you die. 

But that was before he discovered that he is not into women.

Baekhyun started munching on his chips again, still all ears. “How?”

Chanyeol isn’t exactly the kindest person in the world, for the lack of a better term. The idea of spending money and effort on a child that is not his own blood doesn’t sit well with him. 

He believes this is because of the stories he has heard back in the orphanage, but how can they blame him? Just imagining the child rebelling after knowing they were adopted… 

He knows that it isn’t the case for everyone, but Chanyeol just doesn’t think he has the energy to deal with that.

Ah, this is probably why he was never chosen. He is a hypocrite.

“I don’t want to take care of a child that’s not mine.” He answers, preparing himself for whatever Baekhyun’s reaction will be because that’s not something a person with conscience would say. “And I’ll never have a biological child because I can’t even ing kiss a girl without being disgusted.”

Surprisingly, Baekhyun nods at him. “Kind of selfish coming from someone who should be more understanding regarding that matter, but truly understandable.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Sounds like something that an would say, but you have your reasons. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first.”

He stares at Baekhyun as the latter fills his mouth with chips by placing the opening of the bag directly on his mouth, head tilted upwards to pour the content down. Chanyeol doesn’t know what to think of the scene in front of him, but somehow, it feels… intimate. 

They weren’t doing anything special; they were just eating chips and drinking alcohol like they always do at the end of every month like some kind of tradition. Nothing is near romantic at all, and so Chanyeol wonders what it is that makes his heart beat a little more faster tonight.

Perhaps it’s because they are talking about settling down and he wants to know Baekhyun’s plans for his future too.

“How about you?” He asks, heart drumming against his chest. “Want your own family someday?”

Or maybe, it’s because Chanyeol wants to be a part of Baekhyun’s future just like he is a part of his—he wants to be Baekhyun’s future.

Baekhyun grins at his question, staring at nothing in particular with a far-fetched expression on his face. He notices that Baekhyun looks so happy as he thinks of it; he looks like he has solid plans for his future already. Chanyeol feels his heart drop for a second. 

Because they are not talking about future careers and goals—they are specifically talking about having a family. 

The realization makes him feel even more agitated.

“Hmm.” Baekhyun jokingly taps a finger on his chin and he almost wants to punch him in the face for not taking this seriously while Chanyeol’s heartbeat is almost ringing in his own ears. “A family… yes, of course, that would be nice...”

He looks dreamy; it was the first time Chanyeol didn’t like the smile on his face. 

“But I’m only having kids when we’re financially stable, and we will be because I’ll make sure we’ll have a roof above our heads. Doesn’t matter if the kids are adopted or we’ll hire a surrogate ‘cause you know, I’m gay too.” 

Baekhyun laughs and there was almost hope blooming in Chanyeol’s chest but then the former adds. “I would really, really love to have children.”

He raises a brow despite the slight sting in his eyes. “Why does that sound like wishful thinking?”

“Because the future father of my children doesn’t seem to want them.”

Chanyeol can almost hear his heart breaking as it soars.

“Is… is that me?”

Looking as composed as he always is, Baekhyun takes Chanyeol’s shaking hands in his own, squeezing too tightly for it to be considered romantic but Chanyeol doesn’t mind—he doesn’t even care about the grease and powder from the chips on the thumb that is drawing circles at the back of his hand because the gleam on Baekhyun’s eyes says otherwise.

Baekhyun looks like he is a little bit in love with him.

“Yes.” Baekhyun responds in a shaky breath, not matching the confident look on his face. “Unless you want to have kids now—that would still be you.”

Chanyeol doesn’t know what got into him but he’s suddenly leaning in, pulling his hands from Baekhyun’s hold to place them on either side of the other’s cheeks instead as he closes the gap between them because he’s not good with words like Baekhyun. He can’t give him a confession as cool as that that will make his ears red and tummy feeling funny like what his words did with Chanyeol but he hopes that this conveys the things he wants to say.

He hopes that Baekhyun could read everything Chanyeol feels right now on his salted chips and alcohol flavored lips because his mind is a mess that he didn’t even have the chance to feel each and every one of them as they immediately consumed him whole; the fear of Baekhyun being in love with someone else, the relief that came quickly after knowing that he feels the same way as Chanyeol, the disappointment towards himself as Baekhyun only wanted one thing and it’s something he couldn’t give, the want to make this—them—happen…

Chanyeol pulls away after realizing that Baekhyun still needed his words, but seeing Baekhyun looking dazed with his mouth slightly open makes his mind blank again and all he could think of is the beautiful man in front of him who claims to be his future husband.

“What—”

Baekhyun blinks at him, eyes still unfocused and Chanyeol is slowly feeling the embarrassment creeping up his cheeks, courage completely gone as he comes down from the high of adrenaline.

“—what was t-that?”

The sight is something he could get used to seeing; Chanyeol finds his answer again.

“A promise.” 

It’s Chanyeol who takes Baekhyun’s hand this time, making a circle with his thumb and index finger, then he takes the latter’s ring finger and pushes it in through the hole. 

“To be your husband, because I can’t afford a ring yet. It’d have to follow a little late though, deal with it.”

Baekhyun laughs loudly at his face that it was almost offensive.

“That’s a ring? I—” He chokes on a laugh and Chanyeol knows he’s about to get teased. “I now have a finger inside your hole, only seconds after our first kiss.”

“Keep on being a little and you won’t be getting anywhere near it in the future.”

Baekhyun does a zipping motion on his lips. “Noted.” He wiggles his eyebrows at Chanyeol. “Or it could be the other way ‘round. I don’t mind.”

Chanyeol covers his face with his palms because Baekhyun never like this. He sighs internally in relief. They are really past the friend-zone now, aren’t they?

“Oh my god Baekhyun, it’s only been seconds after our first kiss.”

“You started it.”

“You .”

“Only when you want me to. With verbal consent.”

No one spoke after that. Chanyeol was too busy calming his fast-beating heart down while the other man coos at the red tinting his ears down to his neck. This is a side of Baekhyun he’s seeing for the first time, and Chanyeol doesn’t mind one bit.

He can get used to this—he wants to.

After a few minutes of silence, Baekhyun calls his name.

“Chanyeol…” 

Ah, he likes the way his name rolls off the other’s tongue now. It’s… gentle; almost sounding like that of a baby talk.

Baekhyun really is his boyfriend now, right?

“I want you to know that I’m not pressuring you into anything, okay? We don’t know what’s gonna happen to us in the future—if we’ll even end up together.” Baekhyun seems careful over choosing his words, but Chanyeol thinks he doesn’t have to worry about it being offensive just yet. It was only natural since they were talking about marriage while back. “So I just want you to think of us now, hm?”

This is one thing Chanyeol doesn’t want to see again. He wants Baekhyun to be comfortable with him from now on. Whether it’s a reminder like this or an open expression of his feelings, he doesn’t want to hear Baekhyun again like he’s walking on eggshells.

Chanyeol takes his hand. They’ve been doing this a lot tonight, holding hands. His heart leaps at the thought that they’ll be doing more of this in the days to come too.

“I know, I know.”

Yet something within Baekhyun’s eyes tells him that his words were a call for assurance— that he wants this to work just as much as Chanyeol does but he’s not sure where the lines lie.

“But I know we’re going to end up marrying each other too.”

And so Chanyeol tells him he is sure that someday, he will be his home.