Sometimes
Sometimes
Hyukjae is fifteen when he comes across Donghae, who is twenty-five.
Donghae is a songwriter. Hyukjae is a high school student.
He doesn't give much credit to the man's appearance at first.
Hyukjae goes throughout the whole discography and finds himself enjoying the majority of it.
He decides that Donghae is worthy of getting featured on his favorite singers' chart.
He feels proud of himself.
Hyukjae has always been thirsty for knowledge, curious. So he'd often find himself lurking on the internet after finishing his homework.
Donghae Monologue [2007]
"Hello, it's me, Donghae Lee. I think this is the very first time I do an interview, I'll do my best to answer as honestly as possible!"
Hyukjae watches this young Donghae staring back at him through the screen, and he feels compelled to put it full screen, although the quality is awful.
The guy has long black hair, dark soft eyes and a kind smile painted on his thin lips. His features are delicate, almost naïve.
"When I was a child, I dreamt about becoming an athlete, but I always liked to dance in front of my father... I don't know if he was serious or not, bur he told me to become a singer. It was only in my 7th grade that I found a way to apply for an audition, and luckily I passed it".
Donghae chuckles, clearly fond of his father's support.
"I'm a little timid, but I know how to act charming, and at the same time I know how to act like a man. I've been seriously lovesick a number of times. If I like someone, I tell directly how I feel. I like to be very straightforward. Many people take my words the wrong way. They say that I look like a cold-hearted person, but those who know me would never say such a thing. Yet, others often misunderstand my words".
Hyukjae giggles this time around, but somehow he relates to Donghae. He had always confessed his feelings first and got rejected. He'd always looked out for love.
Donghae felt closer for a moment, because he could relate to him.
"My ideal type is just someone that would take really good care of me. As I often feel lonely, I'd like someone who pays much attention to me"
Donghae smiles sincerely, avoiding to look at the camera.
Hyukjae's expression shifts in a grimace. He'd never liked clingy people, and he'd never understood those who felt lonely with themselves, but he doesn't get the chance to get deeper in the matter because the scene changes and now Donghae is on stage, croaky voice and tearful eyes.
"I wish he could be here with me now. My father is in heaven, but he's also deep in my heart. Dad, I love you", he cries out, wiping off his own tears.
Hyukjae stares, feeling his heart squeezing with sadness.
"My Everything is a song I always wanted to sing on stage. For my fans, family and colleagues... they're my everything, but my father is the most precious one...", he shyly admits, looking at the camera with a soft smile.
His sweet voice begins to sing. He looks incredibly shy and even stutters on some words, which Hyukjae finds adorable, yet he hears a snivel and in shock he releases that he's been crying too.
Hyukjae pauses the video and stares at this young Donghae with an inquisitive look.
"Who are you? How dare you to make me cry like this?"
He's almost upset, because he never cries easily. That's what he's known for: for being strong. So for a while, he avoids looking up for information about Donghae.
He finds it odd. And he wants to shrug the feelings off.
Hyukjae had maybe chosen to listen to Donghae's music, but it had been Donghae who had chosen him.
Donghae didn't ask for permission, didn't give him time to adjust or prepare, he just installed in Hyukjae's life.
Hyukjae could do nothing, but succumb.
Exactly one year later, as Donghae is making a comeback, the day reporters drops some photos of the new concept, his jaw drops to the floor.
He stares in disbelief, double-checking the name and the face.
"How could I be so blind?"
Donghae had grown up, now far from that skinny boy. Still managing to look genuine, though.
For the first time ever, he realizes how handsome Donghae Lee actually looks.
And maybe that's the exact moment everything started to fall apart or to make sense.
Maybe, that has been his turning point.
As years goes by, he progresses his studies in high school.
He now knows many more things about Donghae.
Hyukjae still follows him and his music. Of course, he does.
For example, Donghae is a Libra since he was born in October.
He wishes he could know the exact time he was born, so that he could calculate his natal chart. He's not an astrologer, but he's fascinated by it.
Donghae likes to work out and pumps his arms, especially before concerts.
He begins to pay more attention to his appearance and starts to work out as well.
Donghae is sweet, a hopeless romantic. His favorite movie is Titanic he has watched it a hundred of times and cried.
Hyukjae had been surprised at that. He had never known a man who enjoyed that movie so much and even cried over it.
Hyukjae's parents had brought him to see that movie when it came out, although he still used his baby bottle and fell asleep halfway through it. He had never cried for it, but he really enjoyed it. He had watched it several times and whenever it passes on TV he watches it, because it reminds him of Donghae.
He doesn’t know what to think.
Donghae enjoyed rainy days.
Hyukjae was puzzled at that. Okay avoiding the sunlight for skin's protection, but actually enjoying the rain? Yet he found himself waiting for those days too, so that he could feel Donghae closer.
He'd recognize the rusty smell, hear the soft ticking and think: "You'd love it", and regardless of the cold he'd feel a warm embrace.
Donghae enjoys reading books. He has even read "Romeo and Juliet".
No man he knows has ever stated something like they. If anything, they're repulsed from it.
Hyukjae is mesmerized, fascinated. He’s at loss of words.
He'd been to Verona, studied Shakespeare, and he truly enjoys literature and reading in general.
Donghae's sensitiviness really resonates in a way that makes his heart squeeze with a bittersweet feeling.
He'd always thought that with such busy schedules he wasn't a bookworm.
Now that he looks at the piles of books he bought or took from the public library, he's happy, because one of his favourite hobbies not only reminds him of Donghae, but is shared.
As he walks throught the public library shelves, Hyukjae wishes he'd known what genres he enjoys the most, though. He'd love to have a debate on something they both read.
He sighs.
“Are you even real?”
Sometimes Hyukjae believes he must have been doing drugs, because it is not possible that such a person actually exists.
It's unfair. Donghae seems to incorporate everything he had ever looked for in a person.
Loyalty, maturity, playfulness, humor, and sensitiveness.
He asks himself how he's supposed to find someone to share his life with, when the man keeps teaching and showing him what he can have.
Hyukjae begins to think that probably he will end up alone due to his high standards.
Donghae can’t drink and can’t smoke.
Hyukjae doesn’t know if Donghae wished he was capable too, sometimes from the way he talks, it seems so, but his eyes are full of admiration because he doesn't do those things either and never will.
He sighs almost in relief.
Donghae starts to become someone to look up to. Donghae is just on the other side of a mirror.
Hyukjae begins to think that coming across Donghae had never been a coincidence. It was meant to be, but he can’t grasp his mind about the reasons.
Sure, Donghae is a healthy life model, but things over the years has developed and Donghae has grown on his skin.
The name escapes from his lips numerous times during the day and lays in his mind as if he's tuned to a specific radio station.
Small things, reminds him of the man and people begin to make him notice that he smiles in a certain way when the artist is mentioned.
Hyukjae begins to notice it too, and he realizes that he loves Donghae.
His heart is full of joy and his mood gets boosted with serotonin.
He loves Donghae. He wants to scream it on top of the highest mountain and let the echo reverberate till it reaches the man's ears.
He understands that he does not love Donghae for the way his body look.
With time, he had begun to notice some flaws too, which only makes the man real to his eyes.
He loves Donghae for being unbearable, childish, noisy, dramatic.
It’s enough for the man to stay still and breathe and Hyukjae would be left in astonishment at the sight.
"What have you done to me?"
Hyukjae falls in love. Or at least, he thinks he can define it love.
It is a distance relationship, and he doesn't feel affected by it, he's used to it.
He can prove how much Donghae has taught him to be loyal, patient, constant, throughout the years.
Donghae.
Donghae has enlisted and yet, whenever he has the chance he pops up on his brother's IG.
Hyukjae finds him funny, but he's so glad, he misses him so much.
Many fans drifted away, but he's determinate to stay. He will stick by his side.
Donghae comes first. That's what he's promised himself.
He's eager to share him with his partner.
He's taken aback when the response is not what he has expected.
They argue.
Hyukjae is incredulous.
The other's insecurities are obviously showing, and he cares enough to reassure.
He loves Donghae, but he loves his partner too. He's committed to this relationship.
Just... not as much, because Donghae is a safe place.
Donghae will always be there when his partner will exit his life.
So sometimes he lies.
White lies, of course.
He reassures the other's insecurities, even if at times he thinks the complete opposite.
He loves his partner, but he loves Donghae more.
But his partner doesn't understand, doesn't want to and never will.
Hyukjae feels pressured, oppressed, and he dislikes it. So he stops pushing this person to appreciate Donghae, regardless of the fact that it's the most important thing in his life.
He finds it weird, but he keeps going and ends up speaking less and less about Donghae, without noticing.
Donghae is still there, but is like a background music fading away.
After four years, Hyukjae had enough.
He doesn't know what clicked inside him, but he can't bear one more day to be given for granted.
His partner kept pushing his limits, always thinking he'd be forgiving for the sake of love.
Hyukjae is tired, exhausted.
He deserves someone better. He deserves a man like Donghae.
Donghae.
Hyukjae has gone astray and almost lost him.
Donghae is his lighthouse guiding him throughout thick fog.
Hyukjae feels fooled, but mostly he feels numb as if in those four years he had been in lethargy.
He wasn't himself and that is probably the worst mistake he had ever made.
"That's what happens when you're not by my side".
Hyukjae is reborn.
He blooms again like a beautiful flower showing off his beauty in a green grass.
He has time for himself again, he can focus only on himself rather than fighting for a relationship that weighed only on his shoulders and made him miserable.
Donghae is there, to catch him, to welcome him back home and Hyukjae is the happiest man alive.
Hyukjae would like to stick his tongue out to his ex and prove that he was right.
Donghae is his safe place.
But with time it doesn't matter anymore.
With time, he doesn't even remember what their last argument was about, and he drifts away from this person he was planning his whole life with.
Today he’s twenty-five, the same age he had got to know Donghae and the man is thirty-five.
Sometimes Hyukjae dreams of Donghae.
He actually hears his warm voice, his cheerful laugh, but the best part is when he actually feels the touch. The grip of Donghae’s arms around his waist. The firm squeeze of Donghae’s hand on his own.
The soft touch of those lips brushing against his.
Or even better, when he perceives his gaze on him.
Hyukjae hates to wake up from such dreams, he would like to shout out his disappointment. He'd like to cry in frustration, tearing apart everything within his reach.
He’s so happy.
They’re so happy.
Other times Hyukjae dreams about Donghae composing music, only to wake up with no memory of the melodies, but to a post where Donghae tells or shows he actually was at the studio.
Hyukjae still feels that thin thread between them, and he still doesn’t know what to think or do about it.
There are days in which he misses Donghae.
It's not about missing his face, wanting to see him, or those sorts of things.
He misses Donghae, his presence, his voice, his being.
One night he has a hard time falling asleep, he's restless.
It's been weeks since the last time Donghae had made an appearance, his mind his restless.
His heart is tightly clenched and it hurts. He feels as if he's longing for a relief he doesn't know when he'll actually get it.
His brain swrils, looking for a distraction or to find a solution, and it does find something.
Hyukjae cheeks flushes red at the idea. He feels that if he'll give in to this, he'll be pathetic, so he tries to fight against it, but fails.
He reassures himself that it will be a one time thing, that there's nothing bad about it.
Hyukjae grabs his headphones, opens YouTube and downloads a live from Donghae's channel. A live where his voice is sweet, sleepy.
Hyukjae listens carefully in the dark of his room as Donghae's deep and smooth voice begins to talk, and he instantly feels reassured, calm. He even smiles at times, it feels like having a phone call, so he even thinks about replies in his mind.
That night he realizes that Donghae can even lull him to sleep.
There are days in which Hyukjae wishes he had never met Donghae.
Days in which he’s afraid of the power Donghae holds on him.
Days in which he wishes he was able to dislike him, hate him even.
Donghae has become his anchor, his inspiration, and he’s afraid one day he’s going to walk away, leaving him behind.
He’s sure he won’t recover easily from such an event.
He can bear losing friends, a lover even or a job, but he can’t afford to lose Donghae.
His mind just wouldn’t be able to cope.
So he tries his best to ignore certain feelings and remain positive, but his mind would think about those obsessive thoughts harder and at times he just gives in to those sad, painful feelings. To those dark scenarios he inflicts himself.
Sometimes, Hyukjae wishes he had never known a man named Donghae Lee. He wishes he hadn’t memorized so many personal things about him, noticing some others on his own along the years.
There are days he wishes he could switch his mind and feelings off.
Days in wish he could plug off from everything and Donghae as well.
Days he wishes he could anticipate the other man and walk away first, no turning back, no second chance or glance.
He finds himself questioning how his life looked like before getting so wrapped up around those seven letters. Around Donghae.
He can never manage to find the answer, though and before getting frustrated he drops the topic.
He sometimes wishes to erase everything.
But especially in those dark moments, his phone would light up and Donghae would post something. Anything.
His heart would flutter with reassurance, as a natural reflex.
It's like Donghae tries to reassure him that everything will be alright, to have faith.
Maybe what’s ahead of him is a mystery, but he had promised once to himself that no matter what, Donghae is always going to come first.
So he stares into those dark, beautiful eyes, and has faith.
One day, he will tell that man how much he loves him.
The End.
Hello~!
I wrote this in a couple of hours on my phone. It's almost 2am and I should be already sleeping because tomorrow I have classes, but I had to get this off of my chest.
I know I'm supposed to work on Donghae's POV of Full House and Cupidity, but I've been thinking certain things and this came out instead. I hope you can still enjoy it even is there's no and the end is quite open to free interpretation.
I just think it can offer a feeling of mutual understanding, especially for those who have Donghae as their bias.
Being a fan is hard. Heechul was right.
Until next time we'll meet each other on here, take care, do please enjoy and if you want, let me know if this small flow of thoughts from Hyukjae touched your hearts!
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